Thursday, December 30, 2010


I cried today. It was weird because I didn't feel it coming.

I laid on the table, greeted my Dr., and watched the screen intently. For a brief second, I was a bit nervous because the little sac didn't pop up on the screen immediately like it did last week, but as soon as he found it, we could see the most beautiful little flicker...

...and the water works began.

It was amazing! It was everything I had hoped it would be. And, AND! Our baby actually MOVED! My RE giggled more than once because every time he tried to let us actually listen to the heartbeat, the baby would move and he'd have to start all over again, it took a few tries before that perfect sound echoed through the room. It was delightful.

136 perfect beats per minute. Everything measured right on track and I'm am officially in the care of my OB. (Well, he'll be my OB after the 14th, when I meet him for the first time.)

Today was a wonderful day. Perfect, even. The best way imaginable to kiss goodbye to 2010. 2011 is going to be SO. MUCH. BETTER!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Happy Faces

I am stuck. I feel like I have nowhere to go.

The handful of people that know about this pregnancy are beyond optimistic. Everyone is full of sunshine and rainbows, and practically spewing positive energy. Everyone is so dang happy. Like they don't have any doubts at all.

And I feel like a big, fat LIAR for playing along!

I know that this could all be ripped away at any moment. I know that although we've made it farther than we ever have (save LJ), we aren't THAT far, ya know?

DH's parents know. We couldn't get around telling them, and my MIL is so optimistic that she's already bought a "little gift". DH wants to tell his siblings on Christmas - or sooner.

I think I'm going to barf.

I WISH I had that much confidence. I can't imagine telling everyone, only to go to our appointment on Thursday and see that there is NO heartbeat. What then? How would I face them all... AGAIN?

I am getting so irritated. Every time DH and I talk about anything pregnancy related and I preface my words with "If", he always corrects me and says, "no, WHEN." I feel like all my VERY VALID fears are being ignored, by everyone. I know that if this pregnancy continues that I will always feel some anxiety, and I will never get over what has happened. I'm not completely naive. IF scars. The wounds may close, but they will always leave their mark.

I am trying to focus on little goals. The first 2 I've checked off: rising betas and an intrauterine gestational sac. Excellent. The next one is the biggest for me. I NEED TO SEE A HEARTBEAT! From there I will survive on the odds. They would definitely be in my favor at that point. I know that no pregnancy is ever guaranteed, but a heartbeat just might be enough to let me sleep at night.

I want this more than anything. I am doing everything in my power to keep this little bean tucked in and growing. But I've done that before. 5 other times, in fact. And yet... it's only worked once. How do you get around that? How do I sweep that under the rug and just pretend that this pregnancy is a sure thing? There is a huge difference between positive thinking, and lying to yourself... and I don't know where that line is. I am just trying to be realistic. Not negative, not ungrateful, and I'm certainly not expecting the worst. I'm just trying to be Smart Suzy, not Debbie Downer. It's just that it's soooo early, ya know? Even my RE has surprised me. He didn't mention one "if" at my appointment. He talked like it was all guaranteed. He even told me to make an appointment with an OB for the first part of January.

I don't want to be told that everything will be fine, and to just let it be. It just makes me feel like I'm creating drama. My feelings are real and they are NOT unfounded. I'm not saying that I don't want people to be positive, just not overly so. Acceptable: "Congrats! I'm crossing my fingers for you!" Unacceptable: "When do you want your baby shower?" Acceptable: "How far along are you?" Unacceptable: "Where are you delivering?" Can you see the trend? Please, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I am feeling so very, very overwhelmed.

Damn you, Infertility. You have screwed me out of another BFP. Is it too much to ask for a little joy? I fought hard for this. So hard, I've lost part of myself. A part I will likely never get back. And yet, most days I'm okay with that. I voluntarily gave it up, with my sights on a higher goal. One that is now very much within my reach. But I still feel like I'm at war. I want to rest. I want to be happy. But most of all, I just wish the people around me would "get it".

Bottom line: I'm pregnant. I hope with every bit of my being that I stay that way - but it is not a sure thing. I just need someone, preferably IRL, to tell me that they understand, that I'm not jinxing myself because I'm not 100% sure (I'm at least 75% sure, that's something, right?), and that it's smart not to get my hopes up too far.

I don't think that's too much to ask given our history, right?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Learning to Breathe

Today was our first ultrasound. I was in tears before I even got out of the car, and nearly hyperventilated before we ever got to the exam room.

It took about 10 seconds. But, there it was, right were it was supposed to be. One nice, round gestational sac measuring right on target with a perfect yolk sac inside. My RE was very pleased with everything. I just stared at the screen in disbelief. I didn't think I'd ever get to this point. It seems so surreal. Is this really happening? Is this MY life??

As expected, we didn't see a heartbeat yet but we are scheduled for another ultrasound next Thursday. My RE said that they don't usually expect to see the heartbeat until the middle of the 6th week at least. Today I am 5w6d, so all is well. If everything next time goes as my doctor predicts and a heartbeat is found, he said that my risk of m/c is only 10% until the 13th week, then it will drop even lower.

When we left my nurse gave us a little bottle of Martinelli's, a stack of pregnancy related reading material, and a bunch of ultrasound pictures.

Still, this feels so weird. We were told to pick an OB by Thursday. WE ARE BEING RELEASED!!! They need to know where to send our records.

This is such a strange place to be...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Funny Story...

A few weeks ago I was on my way to yet another monitoring appointment. It was at the tail end of stims, and I was dreading my encounter with the "wand", if you will. If you recall, I have an ovary that prides itself on being able to disappear whenever it so chooses - this makes those scans a bit more... um, challenging.

As I was driving to the clinic I was pleading with my ovary (don't judge) to please cooperate. "I really don't want to cry today" I told it. Then, my mind wandered and I began to talk to all of my reproductive organs. Really, there was no point in pissing one of them off by not including them in my heart-felt pleas! In the middle of my rant, Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want From Me" came on the radio. Have you heard that song? No? Sad.** Let me enlighten you:

I found it so amusing. I laughed so hard I cried. (So much for that goal!)

So, forevermore this will by my IVF-song. Because, really? Who can't imagine our poor, overworked, under-appreciated ovaries screaming this very thing every time we stab yet another needle into ourselves with the hope that we can prod those little suckers along? Poor things.

"Whataya want from me!"

I hear ya, Little Ladies. "I won't let you down" you say.

Well, thanks for keeping your promise. Because after a rocky start, I'm happy to tell you that as of today... I'm pregnant. 5w1d. I have officially been released from beta-hell, (with a standing order waiting at the lab in case I need reassurance) and our first ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday to verify placement. With a history of ectopic, they wanted to have a look a little earlier than usual.

Forgive my earlier freak out. Betas weren't doing exactly what we were hoping for (they were close), but with yesterday's rise of 125% in 48 hours... all is well - we hope. Progesterone is now at a "makemegagconstantlyanddon'teventhinkaboutsleepingonyourstomach" level of 132.34.

We are hopeful, but cautious. RPL can spoil any BFP. But, hey. It's Christmas right? Why not celebrate (just a little)? We are hoping to tell our families by New Year's Eve, after we've heard a nice, strong heartbeat. Oh, please. PLEASE let us make it that far!

**You really should come out from under your rock once in a while. =)

Monday, December 13, 2010

I love you, but...

No, really. I love you.


I'm dealing with so much right now. I can't do it here, too. I know you are all waiting, and I'm sorry. But honestly - I'm not sure what to tell you. All I can say is: It could go either way.

Please just be with me in heart, and send all the positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, ANYTHING my way.

Sorry for the distance, but I just can't...

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Wall

You know how when you run (yeah, like I run...) and you get super tired and feel like your legs are going to melt into the ground before you could possibly take another step, but you don't dare quit just yet because you told yourself you were going to run for a WHOLE mile (snicker, snicker) without stopping to walk, and you only have a few feet left and if you just pick your feet up a... few... more... times....

Yeah, that's what this 2ww (cry, sob, scream!) has been like so far. I still have what seems like forever until the dreaded beta. I might be going a little crazy, but I've managed to stay away from the pee sticks. I will make it, damnit!

Until then...