Monday, October 10, 2011

Fall

I sincerely and genuinely hope that none of you recognize this photo. For those of you that do, I am so very, very sorry.

This time of year is hard for me. It has been 2 years. On October 5th 2009 , I mourned yet another missed due date, and a week later, on October 12 learned I was pregnant. What should have been an amazing time of my life ended up being a nightmare. In the middle of November, when I left the hospital after my second surgery due to a persistent ectopic pregnancy I noticed this photo taped to my door. It was how the staff marked the rooms of women whose babies were lost. I removed it from the door and placed it with the other items I was given as momentos - a crocheted blanket, infant cap, and a tiny gold ring.

Fast forward to August of this year. My dream became a reality, and Miss E was born healthy and strong. The day after her birth, as I walked the halls with LJ by my side she pointed to another patient's door and said, "That's pretty, huh?" I looked up and instantly felt my stomach drop and a giant knot form in my throat. It was the picture from above. The air felt heavy, and I before I could explain to LJ why, I felt tears begin to stream down my face. We walked back to my room and I told LJ the photos meaning.

Later that night, as I sat alone in my room holding my precious newborn, I couldn't help but think about the woman in the next hall. I knew that she must be experiencing unimaginable grief. The kind that leaves your heart in a million little pieces and your soul shattered beyond repair. And there I was - holding my miracle. It didn't seem fair. I felt guilty.

And grateful.

It was like God was reminding me of just how lucky I am and that I shouldn't ever take anything for granted. I remember the hurt I felt 2 years ago. I still feel waves of it, even with this brand new baby in my life. I ache for the ones we've lost and I wonder if I will ever completely heal.

I hope this year is different. I know that I will still feel some anxiety as the air gets colder but I'm hoping it won't be as crippling as it was last year.