Tears Are For Babies

Crazy? Um, yes.

2011-12-29T21:53:00.004-07:00

EJ is 4 months old already. Holy Crap.

She had her 4 month well-check yesterday, so here are her stats:

Height: 24", 40th percentile

Weight: 11 lbs. 3 oz., 7th percentile

Head circumference: 16.5 ", 75th percentile. (still got that big 'ole noggin!)

And no, she doesn't look like a giant egg head. She's completely proportionate, see?

So cute, right??

Anyway, because she's so small I've decided to make all of her baby food. I want to make sure that she is getting the maximum amount of nutrients from the food she will eat. And although we aren't starting her on any solid food until 6 months, I am already busy trying out my new Ni.n.ja and making trial batches of baby food. OMG, you guys... it is A-MAZING!!! I am having so much fun with it. It even pureed spinach into a texture similar to butter. I freakin' LOVE this thing!

(Okay, so not my best blog post... but at least I posted a pic. That counts for something, right?)

Next...

2011-12-13T02:36:00.002-07:00

I don't have a lot of time to post, but didn't want to leave things with the "poor me" crap.

Life it getting better. My back is on the mend and my tummy is nearly back to normal. I got through yesterday and today's photo sessions a lot easier than expected, and have just one more to go before I take a Christmas break.

EJ's toe looks like nothing ever happened. We ended up taking her to another pediatrician on Saturday because she woke up with what looked like pink eye (yeah, last week ROCKED! At least the pink eye was a false alarm.) and I was able to get another opinion about her weight. Again, this Dr. wasn't really concerned and said that she looks healthy and that she is probably just going to blaze her own trail. We'll check again on the 28th, but my mommy-sense tells me that EJ is going into a growth spurt. All she does lately is eat and sleep with no more than an hour of awake time in between eat/sleep sessions. And she's eating A LOT. I feel like my mammaries are going to explode if she goes longer than an hour and a half without eating. Oh yeah, and she is giggling now. OH. MY. GOSH!!! Best sound EVER!! I can't wait until it gets more consistent. If I could figure out how to post a video from my phone I totally would. It's so CUTE!

Last night, my family Christmas party got dumped in my lap (love the notice) so I'm scrambling to put things together. I doubt I'll have much time this week to update again, but I just wanted to let you know that I survived last week, and things are looking up.

Whine, Gripe, and "Poor Me."

2011-12-10T01:56:00.001-07:00

This has been an awful week. Here's why:

1. Food poisoning. I promise I will NEVER eat another stuffed mushroom. EVER!!

2. Because I was sick, EJ and I were in our pajamas (the same ones) for 2 1/2 days.

3. I am losing my hair. A lot.

4. EJ was super fussy the whole time I was sick.

5. Yesterday morning as I was bathing EJ, I noticed that her toe was bright red and SUPER swollen. It was at least twice the size it should have been. When I looked closer I saw one of my hairs (see #3) wrapped around her toe so tight that it had cut off the circulation, (now #4 makes sense!) but it was so swollen I couldn't actually get to the hair. I FREAKED OUT and screamed for DH, who, luckily was able to get the hair off. I took her to the Dr. to get it checked out and it was fine. However, I did find out that...

6. Miss E has dropped between the 10th and 25th percentile for weight. (Which explains why almost everyone comments that she is "so tiiiny") She will be 4 months old on Christmas Eve and she is only 10lbs. 13 oz. And that was with a wet diaper. :( The doc wasn't concerned because she acts perfectly happy and looks healthy (just small), and is freakishly strong... but it didn't make me feel any better.

7. After the Dr. appt. I threw out my back trying to lift some laundry. I can't stand, walk, or lay on my back, and can only sit for super short periods of time. It takes an act of Congress to roll from one side to the other because I can barely move my legs or hips. Basically - I'm screwed. Oh yeah, and I have a 3 1/2 month old baby that I can't lift without excruciating pain and my legs giving out on me, who doesn't allow anyone to soothe her but me. (Did I mention she has a sore toe?)

Throw in my first PP period, finals week, and a family feud and that rounds out the top 10 reasons my week sucks.

Stay tuned for the next few days when I must find a way to miraculously heal in time for the photo sessions I have booked Sunday, Monday, and Friday. Monday's session includes 27 mini sessions. All kids.

Sigh.

Lucky

2011-12-02T00:50:00.001-07:00

So ya know what sucks? Wind. Wind freakin' SUCKS!!!!

86mph winds, people. The highest wind recorded today (about 10 min. away from my house) was 102mph. That's the same as a category 2 hurricane, folks.

Currently we are without power, and when I left my home at around 5pm the temp inside was only 52*. When I called the power company, they told me that they don't expect the power to be back on until Saturday at the earliest. My neighborhood is a disaster area. I have never seen such destruction. I couldn't help but cry when I drove down the street and within 3 blocks counted 9 very large toppled trees. One of my neighbors lost their roof. Not shingles - their actual roof. My dad, who lives only 4 blocks away, has to replace his roof. More than half of his shingles were torn off. I am so nervous that he wont be able to make the repairs. He's been out of work for months.

There is so much debris! Trees were blocking many roads in my area, making it hard to drive anywhere.

We were lucky. We lost part of the roof on our shed, some shingles off the roof, a few strips of siding, and our new barbeque was ripped apart, but we are lucky. We will be spending the next couple of days with my inlaws until the power comes back on so we don't freeze to death, and so we have food to eat (our stove/oven is electric, and we don't dare let the cold out of the fridge/freezer by opening it). There are many people that will spend the same time in emergency shelters set up in the area.

Tonight I am counting my lucky stars. Please send positive thoughts and prayers to those around us who were not so fortunate.

With Thanks

2011-11-24T13:09:00.002-07:00

Just about now, a year ago today I was waking up from egg retrieval. I remember the nurse being there with a smile on her face and telling me "congratulations!" Then I remember glancing at my hand and seeing a "16" drawn on the back. I had so much hope that day.

I have so much to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed!

Why am I not sleeping?

2011-11-23T03:23:00.005-07:00

Because I'm a moron, that's why.

Oh, AND because I have been trying to fix my photo printer and editing photos for the last 8 hours. HOLY COW! 8 freakin' hours! Oy! (Sadly, most of that was just trying to get the print head to function, but whatev.)

I don't think I've mentioned it here, but photography has been a hobby of mine for a really long time. I have been told frequently that I have an "eye" for good shots. So, about a year and a half ago I put all of my required courses on hold and did a whole year of photography at my university. (One day I will post pics from my final project in my digital photography course. It was all about infertility and I shot pics all through my second IVF cycle. I made 1/2 of my class cry AND I got an A. BONUS!)

Anyway... tonight I was getting some photos processed for a friend (I've been doing a lot of pics for other people lately) and I remembered that I had another memory card in my bag that I needed to upload the pictures from. It turned out to be pictures from the Halloween pics took of my girls. I had forgotten that I filled 2 memory cards! Of course I think all the pictures are cute, but there was one that made me get especially weepy. It was from after the costumes came off. I had been meaning to take this particular photo since EJ was born. I know I have said it before, but my favorite quote of all time - and the one that ran through my head through so many down-times in the last few years - is "Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you aren't willing to move your feet."

That's probably why I adore the photo so much. I had to add the quote.

I am going to make a 16x20 print and hang it in my house. I can't get enough of these perfect little feet, and the little girl they belong to.

I really love my life. =)

...and then there's that.

2011-11-21T23:12:00.003-07:00

See, I'm not even dead! Hooray!

I feel really bad because I feel like a terrible bloggy friend as of late. I have missed SO MANY posts and simply haven't had a chance to catch up. Honestly, I doubt I ever will. Hopefully it will be like missing one or two episodes of a good show. Eventually, you watch enough of the new episodes that you get the gist of what you missed. I still love you though. Really.

I think I have finally found my stride with this whole "incorporate-new-baby-into-every-day-life" thing. You would totally be impressed if you could see all the things I can accomplish with one hand. Miss E is a serious mama's girl, and has made it clear that her favorite place to be is in my arms (Hey! Mine too!) Although my house may not be as put-together as I'd like, I'm finding it hard to be annoyed. I remember all to well what it is like to have time for all those household chores (read: without baby), and I much prefer my life now. It seems that I get enough done that I don't feel totally embarrassed if I have unexpected company, but not enough that I'd actually invite anyone over (if you are reading this, you have an open invitation. I don't give this link to judgemental douchebags. LOL)

The one thing that I am still struggling with is survivor's guilt. Every time I log on here all I want to do is tell you all about my baby, and how LJ is as a big sister, and all the cute little things that make the last 8 years so very, very worth it. But every time I do, I feel like I'm rubbing it in. This is probably why there haven't been many posts lately. So, here's what I've decided. I am going to tell you all about EJ and all her cute little quirks. I want you to know how LJ is adjusting, and how my marriage is handling the new eustress. I want you to see how completely happy I am. But I also "get it". I don't want to stress you out if you are still struggling. I don't want to pressure you. So, here ya go. You have my permission (not that you need it) to ignore my blog. If you aren't feeling up to it... no biggie. I will still be here when you are ready, and I will still love you when you get back. And in between.

There. I told you. Hopefully that will be enough to kill the guilt. We'll see.

Stay tuned...

Happy-Freakin'-Halloween!

2011-10-31T13:49:00.003-06:00

Fall

2011-10-10T03:43:00.005-06:00

I sincerely and genuinely hope that none of you recognize this photo. For those of you that do, I am so very, very sorry.

This time of year is hard for me. It has been 2 years. On October 5th 2009 , I mourned yet another missed due date, and a week later, on October 12 learned I was pregnant. What should have been an amazing time of my life ended up being a nightmare. In the middle of November, when I left the hospital after my second surgery due to a persistent ectopic pregnancy I noticed this photo taped to my door. It was how the staff marked the rooms of women whose babies were lost. I removed it from the door and placed it with the other items I was given as momentos - a crocheted blanket, infant cap, and a tiny gold ring.

Fast forward to August of this year. My dream became a reality, and Miss E was born healthy and strong. The day after her birth, as I walked the halls with LJ by my side she pointed to another patient's door and said, "That's pretty, huh?" I looked up and instantly felt my stomach drop and a giant knot form in my throat. It was the picture from above. The air felt heavy, and I before I could explain to LJ why, I felt tears begin to stream down my face. We walked back to my room and I told LJ the photos meaning.

Later that night, as I sat alone in my room holding my precious newborn, I couldn't help but think about the woman in the next hall. I knew that she must be experiencing unimaginable grief. The kind that leaves your heart in a million little pieces and your soul shattered beyond repair. And there I was - holding my miracle. It didn't seem fair. I felt guilty.

And grateful.

It was like God was reminding me of just how lucky I am and that I shouldn't ever take anything for granted. I remember the hurt I felt 2 years ago. I still feel waves of it, even with this brand new baby in my life. I ache for the ones we've lost and I wonder if I will ever completely heal.

I hope this year is different. I know that I will still feel some anxiety as the air gets colder but I'm hoping it won't be as crippling as it was last year.

Superhero in Scrubs

2011-09-22T15:24:00.005-06:00

I will probably win an award for the longest blog post ever, but I don't care.

Let's talk about my nurse, Andrea.

She came on shift at 5:00 Tuesday evening- 9 1/2 hours into my labor- and stayed with me until 5:00 am. The hospital that I delivered at has a policy that each woman attempting a VBAC has a dedicated nurse. This was AWESOME, because it allowed us to do a lot of talking.

At about 8:30, I sent DH home to be with LJ, knowing that I was in for a long night, and it was unlikely that EJ would be born before morning. I saw no need to keep the poor man up all night, just to watch me labor. Especially with LJ needing to be at school in the morning.

After he left, Andrea and I sat and watched Phineus and Ferb (don't judge me!) and shot the breeze between contractions, while she kept me in good spirits even though she made my them hurt worse by making me laugh through them. We spent a good part of the night walking the halls together, trying to get things to progress a little bit faster. At one point, a particularly heinous contractions grabbed me, and left me clutching the nurses station just trying to catch my breath. I managed not to cry, and actually remembered to breath through the whole thing. When it was over, I looked up to see my Dr. sitting at the desk. "Are you impressed?" I jokingly asked, proud that I had managed not to collapse during the contraction, "Not really." he said, completely serious. Andrea, just grabbed my hand, and helped me keep walking. We talked about how I knew I was losing support. At this point, I was about 18 hours in, and the staff was starting to talk. I was only dilated to about a 5, and even though my contractions where strong, and only spaced about 2 minutes apart, not much was happening (if only we had known...). With the attitude of my Dr., and the other nurses, I felt like I needed to defend my choice to keep going. I completely vented to Andrea, and told her why it was so important to me to try for the VBAC. I told her how I was scared to death that I was going to miss out on really experiencing Miss E's birth. I wanted to feel present, and like I was actually a part of it. I know that sounds crazy - but it is exactly what I missed with LJ. I didn't want that to happen again. I explained that a c-section felt like failure to me. Another sign that I wasn't meant to have children. I mean, here I am... unable to get pregnant on my own, and obviously unable to give birth on my own. How much more defective** can I be? I needed this experience to be a good one.

As we walked, she listened to me with her full attention. She was patient and kind, and did her best to be understanding. She never offered her own opinion, but was completely respectful of my choice. She never made me feel crazy, or like this task would be impossible. She was just what I needed. The more time passed, the crazier things got. Soon, the contractions where getting more and more painful. I still wasn't ready for an epidural, so Andrea suggested another medication that could be given through my IV. It didn't take the pain away, but it made it so I didn't really care about it. LOL Its effects didn't last long, but it was just enough relief to allow me to recharge for a bit. Luckily, I got the dose just before the whole breech scare, so it didn't panic me as much as it normally would have. Perfect timing.

At 5:00 am, I said goodbye to Andrea, and thanked her for being so wonderful to me. I asked if she would be there then next night, but she told me that she was off for the rest of the week. She told me that she hoped everything went smoothly, and hugged me before she left.

My new nurse was Peggy, a completely competent nurse I'm sure, but not what I'd call a "people person." Throughout the morning, she made little comments that put me back in a defensive state. She told me repeatedly that she was "ready for this labor to be over and this baby to get here." She said this in a completely irritated manner. As if I was inconveniencing her by laboring for so long. She didn't have any other patients, and obviously I was not exciting enough for her. When my Dr. came in to check on me and break my water, he was obviously frustrated. When I had talked to him during my pregnancy and asked him how long he would let me labor, he always told me "as long as you want." I just don't think he fully appreciated how committed I was.

Soon after my water was broken, my Dr. ordered the pitocin drip to be started. That's when things really took off. I had already been contracting, and thought that pain was pretty bad, but I had NO IDEA!!! I could not believe the intensity of those contractions. I asked for an epidural. I didn't expect two. When they didn't work, my nurse was annoyed. So was the anesthesiologist. Peggy was getting frustrated that it was so hard for me to breathe through the contractions. "No! Don't hold your breath! Breathe!", she kept saying. As if I was doing it on purpose. I honestly could not make my lungs inflate. The pain truly was crippling.

Around 1:30, in the middle of a horrific contraction, I opened my eyes to find Andrea standing in my doorway. "I just stopped in to see how you were doing." she said. Seeing that I was struggling, and becoming more distressed by the second, she calmly made her way to my bedside, where she took my hand and leaned over me just enough so that I could make eye contact easily. "You can do this." she told me. She modeled her breathing into a slow steady pace, gently talking me through the peak of the contraction. "Almost done" she said, glancing over to the monitor. When it was over, she explained that she had been there for a meeting and had decided to see how I was doing, but that she was on her way out. I thanked her for coming just as another contraction set in. I was already in tears and unable to speak when I heard her say goodbye and exit my room.

About 1/2 hour later someone knocked on my door. I was more than surprised to see Andrea walk back into my room... in scrubs; her street clothes peaking out from under the sterile green fabric with "central laundry" printed near the collar. "As I was leaving, I noticed they were a little understaffed, so I offered to stay and be your nurse." she told me with a soft smile. I never saw Peggy again.

For the remainder of the afternoon, Andrea sat in the chair next to my bed watching the monitors. She dropped the bottom of my bed down, and pulled out some foot rests that I was able to brace myself on, as well as handles that I could squeeze. It was the most comfortable position I could find. During each contraction, DH and Andrea took turns leaning on my knees, applying counter pressure to my pelvis to help alleviate some of the pain. I was exhausted. I hadn't slept since Sunday night, and the lack of sleep was working against me. Each contraction left me shaking uncontrollably, and sometimes sobbing. I tried meditation, and I tried talking myself through them. "It will go away... it will go away... it will go away..." Nothing was working. By 6:30 pm, I had reached my breaking point. I begged Andrea to turn off the pitocin. "I can't do it." I told her. "I'm just so tired." I sobbed. DH tried his best to calm and reassure me but it didn't work. The monitor showed that my contractions were right on top of each other, and it was impossible to find relief. I felt hopeless. Andrea checked me again. 7 cm, 0 station. EJ was "sunny-side up". Posterior. Basically, she was facing the wrong way, and it was slowing things down. All I could do was cry. I had never been in more physical pain in my life. Every contraction felt like a red hot poker stabbing my pelvic bone and each one got more and more painful. I felt like my insides were being ripped apart, and I knew there was nothing that could make it stop. I was desperate. I told Andrea to tell the Dr. I was done. I was ready for a c-section. It was just too hard. I wasn't strong enough.

I could barely get the words out. I couldn't believe what I was saying. It felt wrong down to my core, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I was in so much pain. DH and Andrea both just sat there for a few moments. Probably unsure of what to say. It was at this point that Andrea solidified herself as so much more than my nurse. "You can do this." she told me. "I know it's hard. But I know how much this means to you, and I don't want to leave here knowing that I let you quit." "No regrets." She said. "We're going to do this one contraction at a time. Can you give me just one more hour?" She pleaded. "You're in transition. This is the hardest part, but it goes quickly. 7-10 goes really fast. I'm not going to lie. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt. But you CAN do this." "Just one. more. hour." "I'd hate for you to give up now when you are so close. Just 3 more cm. Will you give me just one. more. hour."

"Okay. One more hour." I told her through sobs.

She was right. It sucked. It hurt... a lot, but I was so lost in what was happening, that I lost all track of time (tricky, tricky!). 2 1/2 hours later she checked me again. 8 1/2 cm. Just then my Dr. came in to check me also. "She starting to get a little puffy" he said. Andrea agreed and told him that she was going to have me try some other positions to see if it would help. She explained that it was my cervix that was "puffy" and she had me turn around and lean on the back of the bed (which was set up more like a chair). I think the hope was that it would help Miss E to turn so that maybe I'd progress faster than my cervix was swelling.

Now is where I should mention that my room was the room closest to both the elevators and the waiting room. Why do I tell you this? Well, because this position was the most horrifying, agonizing, and nightmare inducing part of the whole experience. I spent most of the next 45 min. screaming into the mattress at the top of my lungs, frightening every visitor that dared step onto that floor of the hospital, I'm sure. The pressure I felt was alarmingly intense, and coupled with the pain I was already in... well, I'm honestly surprised I didn't pass out. Between contractions, Andrea wheeled in everything we would need for delivery. The bassinet, the scale, and a tray of surgical tools were all brought in. I was getting excited. We were close, I just knew it.

After she set everything up she checked me again, and her face changed. She threw her gloves in the trash, and told me that it was over. "The baby is right there!" she said. But my cervix was swelling too quickly, and there was nothing that we could do about it. I had gone from an 8 1/2 to a 7, and went from being "paper thin" in effacement back to about 70%. Exactly where I had started. She looked so sad as she left to page my Dr.. It was so strange. I was equally devastated and relieved at the same time. There was finally an end in sight, just not the ending I had hoped and worked so hard for. When Andrea returned, she told me that my Dr. as well as the anesthesiologist were called into an emergency case, and I would have to wait an hour and a half. I thought I was going to die. "I know you need a Dr.'s order, but I don't care! Pleeeeaaaase turn off the pitocin!" I begged. "It's my body, and I override whatever the Dr. says anyway!" Andrea didn't hesitate at all and shut off my IV. She told me that it would only take about 10 minutes for the drug to be out of my system. Too bad my body didn't get the memo. All it did was slow down the contractions. They were still just as terrible, and just as intense. Only now, they were 3-4 minutes apart.

Everything was taken from my room. 2 other nurses came in and wheeled out the bassinet, and all the tools needed for a vaginal delivery. I watched them take my dream away.

"What do you need me to do?" Andrea asked. "What do you want me to tell the nurses that will take the baby when she is delivered?" I explained that I wanted to be there when she was weighed and measured. I wanted to hold her as soon as possible, and I didn't want them to bathe her until I could be there. She listened to everything I said and then disappeared. I didn't see her again until I was in the operating room.

As soon as Miss E was delivered, she was handed off to the NICU nurses in an adjoining room. DH went with her. As soon as he was able, he brought her back in and held her next to me. I couldn't stop smiling. As soon as I was sewn up, and they dropped the curtain, DH placed EJ in my arms and I held her as we exited the operating room. When we returned to my room, Andrea had set up the scale and a bassinet. She banned the other nurses, and she did all the measurements herself. I was so glad she was there. She was honestly so thrilled for us. She grinned the whole time she held Miss E. She happily made impressions of EJ's perfect little feet and then left us to have some time alone with our new daughter.

About an hour later, the spinal block had worn off enough that I could walk. I decided that it would be best for me to take a little jaunt through the hallways to help stave off the pain that I knew would soon set in from my incision. (Seriously, Girls... if you have to have a c-section, get up and walk ASAP. It will save your ASS!!!!) When I walked out into the hall, Andrea saw me and offered to walk with me. The whole time she praised me for getting up, and told me how amazing I was. "You're even standing up straight! That is sooo good!" She gushed. When I started to feel my legs weaken, I walked back to my room and Andrea stayed at the nurses station to finish up some paperwork.

At about 3:30 am, 14 hours after she had stepped into my room "just to check" on me, she knocked on my door to say "goodbye". She came in and held EJ for a bit longer, posed for a few pictures, and even wrote down her address so that I could send her a birth announcement. I told her how grateful I was for her, and how I would never be able to thank her enough for all she had done for me. I barely held in the tears.

When she left, I lost it.

The next day I made sure to talk to the Nurse Manager, Joyce, and tell her everything that Andrea had done. I cried through the whole meeting. I was so frustrated because no matter how hard I tried, I could not adequately portray just how important a role Andrea had played, and how grateful I was for her. I told Joyce how I was sure that I would not have gotten through the night without Andrea, and how amazed I was that she had even offered to stay with me when it was her day off to begin with. She seemed genuinely impressed, and assured me that Andrea would be recognized for such amazing care. She then asked if she could send the hospital's marketing director in to talk to me as well. I agreed instantly. He came in the next day, and I retold the story to him. He told me that they were having a special recognition dinner soon, and that Andrea would be invited and honored along with a handful of other hospital employees. I told him to give her a raise. Really? It was the very least I could do.

It has been 4 weeks. I have thought about Andrea frequently, and have started many letters to tell her "thank you", but haven't managed to get the words quite right. I'm not sure I ever will. There is so much I wish I could say to her, but it would probably just come out creepy and make me sound obsessed (which I'm sure I do in this post... sigh). But really? How do you tell someone who has affected your life so deeply just how much it has meant to you? I'm not sure the words exist. A letter is somewhere on its way to her home right now, and I can only pray that it makes her feel loved and appreciated.

I really hope she gets that raise.

Normal?

2011-09-14T17:40:00.002-06:00

I am at a loss. Everything is so different. SO different. And in such a delightfully wonderful way, that I'm not sure it's real.

Miss E is 3 weeks old today. She had her 2 week check up on Monday, and everything is A-Okay. She is 1 ounce over her birth weight, and her Dr. seems very pleased with her growth. I am still sort of in shock that she is as big as she is. For all the estimates being no bigger than 7 lbs. 7 oz., it still has be reeling.

As far my recovery goes, well... it's going. I am to start an antibiotic today "just in case." The left side of my incision has been getting increasingly more red (both in width and length) so my Dr. called in a prescription to wipe out any possible infection. I'm not in a lot of pain most of the time, and haven't been since a day or so after the hospital. I get a little achy by the end of the day, and I am worn out by 6, but this is life. And it's fantastic.

The down-side? (*giggle) ME! I stepped on the scale on Monday, and I am currently 30lbs. below my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm not gonna lie. I'm thrilled about the weight loss. What I'm NOT thrilled about? Not having a single item of my wardrobe that fits me. Nada. Guess when EJ gets a little older we'll have to head to the outlets. YESSSSS!!!!

The only thing we are struggling with currently is nursing. Not in a terrible way, and nothing that we won't get through, but struggling nonetheless. Miss E is a slurper and it HURTS! She will not open her mouth wide! The first 2 weeks left me bruised, cracked, and bleeding and usually in tears whenever it was time to nurse on my left side. Luckily, we are passed that part, but she still slurps. It makes me crazy. I am currently waiting to hear back from the lactation consultant at the hospital where I delivered. Luckily they offer free services for a year after your baby is born. With LJ, we never had an issue. She was a pro-nurser. Miss E is just a little bit TOO in charge. LOL

Our house is just full of excitement these days. LJ is being baptized on Saturday (similar to a First Holy Communion), and Miss E will be blessed (like a Christening) next Saturday. Lots going on.

So, there's an update. I will try to check in soon, but honestly... I make no promises. =)

How I'm Doing

2011-09-03T22:14:00.001-06:00

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Details Details - EJ's LONG birth story.

2011-08-27T00:27:00.003-06:00

Wow. What a week it's been. I was going to wait to post Miss E's birth story, but decided that I might as well do it now before life gets going again. Right now, I'm in a lovely state of bliss and still trying to let me new life sink in.

It all happened in such an unexpected way. After I got to the hospital on Tuesday, I asked my nurse to check with my OB about placing a Foley catheter into my cervix. I had read about it, but my OB didn't seem to think that it would do me much good since I was already dilated to a 2. Luckily, he agreed to do it anyway. I knew it would be a while since I couldn't be on the pitocin while the catheter was in place. Imagine how surprised I was to still be experiencing STRONG contractions even after my IV was turned off.

Yep, I was in labor. ON MY OWN! My contractions were steady at 2 min. apart and making it very difficult to do anything other than whimper. By 1:30 I was offered an epidural. I decided to pass, since it was still very early (I was only at a 3) and I wanted to make sure that I could still get up and move around and I knew that once the epi was in place, I was pretty much grounded to the bed. I continued to labor all night. At about midnight my nurse checked me to see how far I'd got. I was at about a 5, but that wasn't the issue. She couldn't feel EJ's head. After 2 more nurses all tried but were unsuccessful, the Dr. was paged and an ultrasound machine was brought into my room. They were all positive the baby was breech. Luckily, it was a false alarm.

By Wednesday morning, my Dr. insisted on breaking my water so that it would make it harder for EJ to move around, and possibly turn the wrong way. I agreed, and let him do it. I was so surprised how quickly the contractions turned from "hard" to "impossible." I was so sick I pretty much thought I was going to die. The contractions were so strong! I have never felt anything like that. EVER. At about noon, I decided it was time fore the epidural. Luckily, the anesthesiologist was available right then. It took a bit of patience since my contractions were so close and so strong. I was too scared to let him stick the needle in my back while I was in the middle of a contraction. Every time I'd have one, my body would shake uncontrollably. Perfect time to try ramming sharp objects into your spine, huh? Anyway, he got the epi in place and gave me the medicine. Just a "starter dose". He set up a pump and told me that if I needed more relief all I had to do was push the button. Well, after about 20 minutes I had to push the button. Twice.

Nothing. I didn't work. He came back in and placed more medicine directly in my line. I didn't help. Then he tried more... still no change. I was almost hysterical from the pain. After a last ditch effort that failed, the anesthesiologist decided that we'd have to redo the epidural. Too bad that one didn't work either. By this point I was at a 7. My only options? A c-section right then so I could have a spinal block, or I had to do it without meds. All natural. So, natural it was.

I couldn't believe how hard it was. Every contraction was stronger, and by this point I was dilating very fast. My amazing nurse (more on that another time) was great. Because I was going for a VBAC, I was her only patient. She was able to stay with me the whole time, pretty much working as a doula. She was able to help me focus even when I thought I couldn't take anymore. Still, by 6:30 I had had it. I begged to have the pitocin turned off, and to just schedule a c/s. My nurse was able to talk me off the ledge so to speak, and I promised that I'd continue with the labor for one. more. hour. I was so glad that I had taken the time to explain to her BEFORE why the VBAC was so important to me.

Then, all bets were off. 2 1/2 hours later I was deep into transition. My contractions were only 1 1/2 minutes apart and were stronger than anything I'd ever felt. The pain started in my pelvic bone, and then would spread up into my uterus. By the time I got to an 8 1/2 I was beyond exhausted. I couldn't focus my vision, and I was shaking so bad that I couldn't control my body position. My nurse checked me again. Bad news. My cervix was swelling, and fast. I had gone from 95% effaced back down to 70%, and was now only dilated to a 7.

There was nothing I could do. 38 hours into it, and I had to submit to the c-section.

As we were getting ready to go to the OR (Me, still dying... contractions still kicking my ass) my nurse took over. "Tell me what you need. What can I tell the nurses that will be taking care of the baby?" I told her my wishlist, and she disappeared. I didn't see her again until I was being prepped in the OR.

The surgery went perfectly. Miss E was trying to cry before she had even been delivered, prompting my OB to request that she please at least "wait to be born" before she started screaming. Once she was out, the overall mood lifted. DH went off with the baby while I was put back together. I could hear her crying in the next room, and I couldn't stop smiling. She was LOUD! As soon as they had given her her Apgar scores, wiped her down, given her her vit k shot, they measured her head. The pediatrician looked up at DH and told him, "your wife didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of delivering this baby vaginally." He then explained that normally a baby's head circumference is 32-33 cm. EJ's was 37.5. THIS is why it took so long for her to engage, and why it hurt so much when she finally did. It is also the probable cause for the cervical swelling.

Once she was all wrapped up and swaddled, DH was allowed to bring her back into the OR and sit with me while I was sewn up. As soon as I was done, they lowered the curtain that was over me, and DH handed me EJ. It was amazing.

When we returned to my room, we found that my amazing nurse had set everything up so that I could be there when EJ was weighed and measured, and could even participate in giving her her first bath. It was everything I missed when LJ was born.

8 lbs. 1 oz. and 20 inches long. Sheer perfection.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. And as always, thank you all for being such a great support system for me. There are a lot of things that I know I would not have been able to handle if it weren't for my wonderful friends inside the computer! =)

Happy Tears are for Babies, too.

2011-08-26T12:39:00.003-06:00

Hopefully sometime soon I will have the time to post Miss E's birth story. It did not go like anything I could have imagined.

Feels Like Defeat (Not the 200th post I'd hoped for...)

2011-08-22T20:01:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow at 7:30 am, I will be induced. All I can do is sit and cry. I feel like such a failure today.

My appointment was... I don't even know. Confusing? My Dr. opened by saying that I am at the point where he would "throw in the towel" but that it was up to me. I am 2 cm. dilated, and still about 60-70% effaced. He told me that the recommendation is to not go past 42 weeks, but that his personal comfort level was 41. I am 40w5d today. He still left it to me. He seemed as if he was genuinely trying to leave the final decision in my hands. I was so frustrated because it seems like he was arguing both ways. "You could go in to labor tomorrow...", "I don't think you're going to show much progress, if any, in 2 days..." "There is absolutely no reason to go past 42 weeks..." "Maybe you just have a longer gestation time. It's all just an average anyway..."

He told me that I didn't have to make a decision right that minute, and sent me for a non-stress test. When I was done (Miss E is still content and happy. Completely perfect), I went back to talk to him. I asked him if I could just wait until Wednesday and then come back in to be checked and if I hadn't progressed further, then we'd reluctantly induce (inducing raises my chance of c-section). He told me that was fine, but then added that he would be going out of town on Thursday and would not be back until Sunday evening. My stomach sank. I know that this is not going to be a short labor. I am planning for at least 2 days of labor. I want to give it every chance I can. But if he is leaving, that changes everything. Most Dr.'s aren't as willing to let me go as long as I'd like, and are even more likely to pressure me into a c-section before I'm ready (as if I'd ever be ready) and I don't want that. I know there is no guarantee that I would go into labor while he is gone, but even if I didn't... I'd be 41w4d when he got back. How much risk am I assuming if I wait that long? And I truly feel that my best chance of a VBAC is with my Dr. But at the same time - I'm not ready. I am not ready to give up this pregnancy. I don't want to feel like a quitter. What if I just waited a few more days? Am I giving up? It feels like I am. DH keeps telling me that I am not. He's more comfortable with EJ coming sooner rather than later, and keeps praising me for making it this far. The crappy thing is that from what we've read, the longer I wait my chances of VBAC go down further and further, and EJ's safety will be more and more compromised. Yes, she's fine now. Completely content... but no one wants that to change, and odds are at some point it would. But at what point?

I have been so set on a VBAC, that this feels like defeat. My cervix is not "favorable" and my Dr. thinks that the "trial of labor" will pretty much be pointless, but he's willing to let me try anyway. I freakin' hate this. I don't want to feel like a failure. Is there really any reason to induce now? Am I really risking anything by waiting until 42 weeks, at which point I will actually be "post term".

I feel so out of control with it all. I am hoping for another miracle. I hope that either A) my water breaks tonight, or my contractions send an obvious signal that I am in labor on my own, or B) tomorrow's induction is all that my body needs to be able to do this, and I get my VBAC anyway.

Please, no negativity in the comments. I am struggling so hard with this. This is not the ending that I expected, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I know that it's not really about how she is delivered. I get that. But it's just another part of the dream that could be taken from me. Please try to understand that.

This is certainly not how I expected to spend my 30th birthday.

(If you know me in real life, please, please, please do not mention this to anyone. I think I'm going to keep the induction to myself. I can't handle a single "I told ya so". Just pretend you don't know anything, k?)

Patience and Annoyance

2011-08-19T12:27:00.004-06:00

Seriously, what's the rush? Miss E is alive and well, and I'm not completely miserable. Granted, my mobility is a bit compromised, but I'll survive. I've pretty much decided that there is no reason to preoccupy my thoughts with things like, "when is she coming". I'm just going to stay close to home, and try my best to relax. I only have 2 full days left of my 20's, and only 2 days left to enjoy at home with LJ before she goes back to school.

Have I ever mentioned how bad I HATE back to school? I hate the thought that I am legally required to send my child to school, in the care of a complete stranger, for 7 hours a day. I MISS HER, DAMNIT and I'm not looking forward to it. I know it's good for her, and I know that she loves it, but still. I'm selfish. I love my daughter, and I get sad when I can't talk to her whenever I want. Stoopid school. Oh, and this year instead of back-to-school night they are doing back-to-school morning. YUCK! The first day of school should be a time for the kids to get acquainted with each other and get familiar with their new surroundings (and for mom's like me to be able to sit home and cry in peace!). It should not be "organized chaos" where parents and kids are running from session to session in the midst of all the regular first day craziness. I am highly annoyed. Like the first day isn't crazy enough. And that's just MY feelings. I imagine it is even worse for parents who work during the day. LJ's school has over 700 students. That's a lot of parents that would have to take time off work.

I think it's a bad idea all around.

So, in a nutshell... Miss E is still cooking, and I'm dreading back to school. A lot. It's almost like legalized kidnapping, if you ask me. (a bit of a stretch, sure... but work with me, people!) I have 2 days left until I turn 30, and I'm a little peeved at how I will be spending the day.

Okay, back to sewing. I'm still working on those sleep sacks. =)

Laughing Beats Crying

2011-08-18T01:57:00.004-06:00

How did I pass the time on my due date, since I obviously was not birthing a child?

I went shopping. Yesssssss!

I walked the mall a few thousand times with a friend, and did a bit of school shopping for LJ. (3 pairs of cute shoes for $25! I was so proud!) When I got home, I decided to look online for some sleep sacks for Miss E since I couldn't find any in the stores. If you aren't familiar with what a sleep sack is, it is basically what used to be referred to as a baby bunting: A heavy nightgown that zips down the front, with or without sleeves. They are supposed to be used instead of a blanket at night, and have been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS. Anywho... I couldn't find any for less than $20, and I'm super cheap. I decided I'd just go buy the fabric and make them myself. At 40 weeks pregnant - which is so totally a good idea seeing as I have to crawl around on the floor and leeeaaaaan over to be able to cut out the pattern. I am sooooo smart. Genius, really.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. DH helped and luckily the pattern is only 4 pieces. I was pretty proud of myself. I figured out a MUCH easier way to put the zipper in than the pattern suggested. It took a bit longer than anticipated (about 3 hours), but this was with me breaking 2 needles and my serger protesting the fabric and making me re-thread it multiple times. I'm pretty sure I could sew another one in 1/2 the time, assuming I get to the store tomorrow and buy the right needles.

Here's how it turned out:

It's okay... until you look closely. Notice how all the butterflies are upside down? AWESOME! And it's hard to tell in the picture, but the sleeves are on backward. (Told ya I was a genius!)

Yeah, I pretty much rock. Actually, it made me laugh pretty hard. It make me imagine how goofy it will look on EJ, with the little mittens on backward. I used an invisible zipper that is pretty hard to see (hence the term "invisible"), so I'm pretty sure that when she wears it, it will just look like her head is on backward. I'm sorry, but that's pretty freakin' funny! Go ahead, picture it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This is probably what I get for beginning a never-before-attempted sewing project at 10:30 at night. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. I have 7 more to make. (*giggle, giggle, snort!)

Monday Update

2011-08-15T15:22:00.004-06:00

4 days of contractions and guess what... STILL at only 1 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. While I was there, he was able to feel a couple of my contractions and he told me that I am "very likely" to go into labor at anytime. *sigh. I'm not that hopeful. After he checked my cervix, I asked him if it was possible to strip the membranes if I went too far over my due date. He told me that he had just tried when he checked me, but couldn't reach. Nice. He told me to schedule another appointment for Monday, just in case.

I had a little talk with him about Thursday/Friday, and he pretty much stopped me before I could begin by saying that he had had a "little chat" with the nurse I had spoken to, and had "ripped into her". Apparently, this is not the first problem there has been with this particular nurse, and he told me how grateful he was that she's "just a part-timer." He told me that he was pretty pissed, and apologized for how "unprofessional" she had been, and that he couldn't believe how she jumped so quickly to the c-section thing. She wasn't very apologetic with him, either, and continued to try to defend her reasoning, which he called "total B.S." It was a long weekend for him and I am really grateful that he took care of it for me. He was in a much better mood today, so I'm wondering if he's just not a "phone" person, and that's why he seemed so annoyed when I talked to him on Friday.

I feel MUCH better. =)

Frustration

2011-08-13T23:45:00.002-06:00

Have you ever had an experience that left you a little bit annoyed when it originally happened, but then the more you think about it the more pissed off you got?

That's where I'm at right now. PISSED!

I told you about our fun trip to L&D on Thursday, and left you with the knowledge that I was waiting for my Dr. to follow up with me to give me further instruction. So, let's pick up where we left off shall we? Perhaps with a bit more detail?

When I called and left the message for my Dr. I was told that it was his night to stay late in the office and it was likely that he wouldn't get to returning phone calls until after office hours. I told the nurse that was fine. I had no problem with that. Well, I waited until 11 pm, but he never called. That night was awful. I continued to have mild contractions every few minutes that were making me so sick to my stomach that I could neither sleep or concentrate on anything else. The contractions themselves weren't really painful, just uncomfortable at times - pretty much the exact same as they were during our time in L&D earlier in the day. As soon as the office opened the next morning, I called. The nurse explained that my Dr. was out of the office and that out of 10 providers there was only ONE there that day, and that he was overbooked and in no way could take my call or see me. When the nurse asked what sort of issue I was having I explained; Still having mild contractions every 2-3 minutes apart, and horrible nausea. I told her that pretty much nothing had changed since I left labor and delivery. I told her that I didn't need to go back to the hospital, but I was wanting to talk to one of the doctors so that I knew the warning signs for when I DID need to go back. Since I was already having contractions closer together than the 5 minutes apart that you would "normally" go to the hospital, I was at a loss. I have no idea what I'm doing! And since this same nurse had sent me to the hospital originally, and told me that because I was wanting to attempt a VBAC my Dr. wanted me to go get checked if "there (was) any tightening or contraction-like feeling at all", it made it even harder now that I was sent home while having regular contractions. I was just looking for instructions since I wasn't given any when I left the hospital. Period.

She asked me a bit of history, and then proceeded to get all intense and scary. She looked up my chart, and when she saw that I had a previous child by c/s for "failure to progress", she freaked. She told me that I needed to go back to L&D because contractions 2-3 minutes apart are just "too close". She asked me if I was willing to do a c-section today. When I told her "no", she told me "then I'm not even going to page Dr.___, since the only reason I would be calling is to ask him to do the cesarean." She then asked me to hold while she went to consult the Dr. that was in the office. When she came back she repeated that I needed to go back to the hospital. "Now is not the time to be holding out for a VBAC just because you don't want a c-section. You need to think about your baby. "We don't want her to go into distress. She will be stressed enough just going through the birth process." Every time I told her that I didn't feel like anything had changed since I was at the hospital she'd say "yes, but today is a new day, and those contractions are just too close." She told me that she had had 3 c-sections. After the first she just wasn't willing to "risk it." When I asked her why, if they were too close did they send me home in the first place, she changed the subject.

I just about lost it. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! First of all, these contractions are just about worthy of a laugh. Barely strong enough to be felt, and obviously not strong enough to be changing my cervix at all or they would have kept me at the hospital. My only real complaint about them is the nausea that they are causing. Miss E had been fine and was keeping with all of her normal patterns of movement and sleep times, all the way down to when she gets the hiccups.

By the time I hung up the phone, I was in tears. She made it sound like I had to go to the hospital and if nothing had changed, I had to have a c-section. She made me feel selfish for wanting to wait, and stupid for believing that nothing was wrong and like I was risking EJ's life by being hesitant.

As we were about to walk out the door, my phone rang. It was my Dr..

He sounded so annoyed that it made me feel guilty. I hadn't even expected him to call. I'm not sure if the nurse ended up paging him, or if he was just then getting around to returning my call from the day before. I explained to him what had happened at labor and delivery the day before, what was currently happening, and then what the nurse had said. He told me that the longer I stayed home, the better my chance of a VBAC. "The less intervention, the better." He said with the contractions they way there were, he wasn't worried. "It could be Monday" he said. As long as I didn't go passed 41 weeks, I was fine. He told me that the nurse I spoke to was "kind of a dweeb", and that I was fine to stay home as long as I felt the baby was fine, and that I didn't feel any significant changes.

That was all I needed. I was so relieved that I ended up hanging up, and going to bed. I slept until 3:30 pm. I'm not sorry.

But now, here I am getting more and more pissed. He was soooo annoyed on the phone with me. He made me feel better with what he was saying, but so embarrassed to have needed him in the first place. Like I was calling just to bother him. Okay, I get it. I know that he had a busy day the day before, and he told me when he called that he was on-call for the entire practice, but still. I changed providers at 21 weeks so that I could have a Dr. that was more accessible. I have NEVER called or paged him before this. I am not one of those patients that calls everyday with a new issue, and I have pretty much been grateful for every single moment of this pregnancy and tried my very best not to complain about ANYTHING. The only thing that I have even brought up to him is the swelling in my legs and only because a) The swelling is very much uneven and my left leg is twice the size of my right (and that's saying something!) and b) I can barely walk by the end of the day. They get so big that the bottom of my feet round to the point that my toes don't touch the ground. Seriously. It's gross, and it HURTS! There I said it. Not everything has been wonderful, but I have done my best to ignore the bad parts. I am pissed that he treated me like such an inconvenience. My whole conversation with him was less than 5 minutes. Really, is that so much to ask?

And the nurse... oh, the nurse. What a freaking joke. I can understand her concern if there had been more to what was going on. If the contractions were more painful, or if my water had broken. If I had a fever, or if Miss E wasn't active. But nothing like that was happening. I was in the EXACT SAME SITUATION that I had been in when the nurses in L&D (and I'm assuming my Dr. since I'm pretty sure he had to give the okay to release me) had deemed safe enough for me to go home the day before. I just wanted some reassurance, and to know what to watch for for "real" labor. I know that this is something I can't play around with. Even though the risk is minimal, there is a risk of uterine rupture because of my prior c/s. If that happens the result is NEVER good. So why was it so hard to just get some simple information? It was my understanding that that is EXACTLY why we go to Dr.'s in the first place!

UGH! I have an appointment on Monday and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel bitchy enough to walk in there and rip into the Dr., but at the same time, I'm not sure it's the best time to piss him off, ya know? As far as the nurse goes, I will be speaking to the office/nursing supervisor. Her behavior was simply uncalled for. Just because she was so willing to have a c-section 3 times does not mean that it is right for everyone. If it comes down to that for me - then fine, but I at least want to TRY to avoid it.

How would you hand this situation? Would you let it go, or would you feel comfortable approaching the subject with the Dr.?

Chances are, I'll cool off before my appointment, but this is how I'm feeling now and boy, do I feel better getting it all out. If you made it this far - thank you. I know it was a long, jumbled post.

Psych!

2011-08-11T17:12:00.002-06:00

Another trip to L&D. This time it was super annoying. I called my Dr. this morning because I was so nauseous that I was in tears. The waves of "OMG, I'm going to vomit!" were intense, and actually came in waves. The top of my belly would tighten (painlessly) and I would swear I was going to puke. However, it was nothing I would call a contraction.

Well, because I was having some tightening and am trying for a VBAC my Dr. sent me to L&D just to be safe. (I was hoping for some zofran and a list of things to watch for.)

It took forever to get back to a room, but once hooked to the monitors I was pretty surprised to watch the little hills appearing on the screen. Every two minutes. And I could feel these ones! It was what I was calling my "waves of nausea" before. Nope, not tummy issue, just contractions. HOLY CRAP, REAL CONTRACTIONS!! I was still nauseous for sure, so they hooked me up to an IV and gave me a big 'ole dose of zofran along with a bag of saline. I felt SO. MUCH. BETTER! Now the only time I thought I was going to puke was at the peak of a contraction, which somehow got stronger after the meds. Maybe I just could feel them better without the sick feeling?

So, imagine my surprise (*eyeroll) when I was STILL only at a 1, and 70% effaced. =( They had me finish my IV and then sent me home. I am currently waiting for my OB to call me so I can ask him what this all means. Before - he had told me that regular contractions were labor contractions. Braxton Hicks are not regular and often can't even be timed. So what the hell was this? I wish they would have had me stay just a bit longer so that they could have at least checked me one more time before I left. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was a bit exciting. With LJ, I didn't get to contractions like these until day 2 of Pitocin. Hopefully, this is a good sign, right?

For now, here I sit... at home. Contracting every 2-3 minutes with varying intensity (nothing too painful, just uncomfortable and sometimes making me hold my breath), waiting for my OB to call.

Sorry I have nothing more exciting to report... but hey, it's a start, right?

Less Than Perfect (an epic, long post)

2011-08-08T18:49:00.006-06:00

Today's appointment was disappointing. I'm still stuck at 1 cm dilated (that's 3 weeks in a row in case you were wondering), and only progressed to 70% effaced. It's not looking good for my much hoped for VBAC.

My Dr. said that he has seen things change very quickly, yet the pessimist in me has already convinced me that this isn't going to work. At this point, if I don't dilate at least to a 3 on my own, the VBAC is doomed. He told me today that he simply didn't see the point in trying if I can't get that far on my own. If I don't get to a 3 by 41 weeks, c-section it is.

Here's the other part that sucks.

My due date is 9 days away, with my 30th birthday only 5 days behind that. Remember my original goal? I was going to be done having kids by my 30th birthday. (Granted, when I made this plan, I was naive enough to think that plans actually came to fruition and that I'd have my 4 babies by then! The nerve!!) Now, I know that the original plan went out the window, oh say... 8 years ago... but this was just one thing that I was looking forward to. "At least I'll have 2" I thought. Well, it's not looking so promising. I know it's silly, but it bugs me.

Another part that sucks? LJ goes back to school on my birthday, too. If I go to 41 weeks, it will be the middle of the first week of school. I had this vision of us being able to just spend some time at home - just the 4 of us - getting to know each other, and bonding as a family before LJ got thrown into her school routine. I know it will be difficult enough to adjust to having a baby in the house, but that and school at the exact same time? It may be a bit rough on her.

I know I'm totally missing the big picture. Either way, when this is over I will (hopefully) have a real-live baby coming home. That's the whole point, right? The method of delivery really doesn't matter. And yet, it does to me. A lot.

I need this. I need my body to prove to me that I was meant to have children, that I can at least give birth ON MY OWN and that my body isn't completely faulty. I know to some that sounds so crazy, but it is truly how I feel. Personally, it is a huge deal to me. I need to do this. I actually need it. I think it's the final piece of the puzzle that I lost, something to help me feel whole again.

Besides, with LJ, I missed out on SO MUCH! Granted it only takes a few minutes to get the baby out during a c-section, but what they don't tell you is that it takes around 40 minutes to sew you back up, and the operating room is kept cooler than a normal delivery room to prevent the growth of bacteria. This isn't the optimal place for a newborn, so frequently (as in my case with LJ's birth) the baby is quickly whisked away to be checked out and given their apgar scores. The hard part is that you don't go with them. I heard my daughter's first cries coming from another room. I found out what she weighed by her crib card. I missed her first bath. I had no idea what her apgar scores were until I got my medical records when I found out I was pregnant this time. My mom and my MIL saw her sweet face before I did. (The topic of a whole other post.) When I finally was moved back to my room after surgery and they brought her to me, I was so numb that I didn't feel strong enough to even hold her. They placed her in my arms, but I was so weak that I felt like I was going to drop her. I passed her to DH just to be safe, assuming I'd get to hold her when the epidural wore off. Well, by that time I was being moved to my post-partum room. Once we got settled, I sent DH to get LJ. He returned without her, explaining that they wouldn't let him have her and that a nurse would be in to talk to us soon. When she came in, she told us that LJ had "transient tachypnea." Basically, due to the c-section, the fluid wasn't properly squeezed out of her lungs, and she couldn't breathe.

This was followed by 4 days in the NICU (I know it could be worse), without being able to hold my baby. She was allowed to grip my finger, but I couldn't even stroke her fingers because her respiration rate would increase too much. Oh, and did I mention that the nurse was a troll? She was. Bad teeth and all. It was a truly horrible experience. (At one point she yelled at me until I was in tears because I changed LJ's diaper.)

Do you see why this VBAC is such a big deal to me? It's not the pain. It's not the recovery time. It's not even the increased cost. IT'S THE EXPERIENCE! For me, my c-section was like being absent for my child's birth. Can you tell I have issues?

I want this more than I can ever express. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help my body along. I am stuck in limbo. I don't know how to process this. I mean, I knew a c-section has always been a possibility, but I thought my chances were much higher of a vaginal birth so I didn't really let myself worry too much about the surgery. If it came down to a c-section after laboring for an amount of time I was comfortable with - then so be it. But now, it feels much further out of reach.

Hopefully I will be one of those women whose cervix change quickly, and we'll all be pleasantly and unusually happy to know that I will get to endure (what I'm told is) the horrifying pain that is natural child birth. (meaning vaginally, still haven't decided on meds)

Please, let that be me!

Updates (not a good post if you are feeling sensitive today...)

2011-08-04T22:53:00.007-06:00

I have so much to be thankful for.

First, my awesome cousins E, H, and C threw me a baby shower. I am still in awe at how cool it was. And I'm even more amazed that I was able to keep it together for pretty much all of it. I only got a little misty once or twice, but I never let a tear fall. I never, ever, EVER thought I'd get this chance again. I was so surreal to see all these adorable little things and to know that they are for my baby. MY. BABY!!!! OH MY GOSH!!! THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!!! I was humbled beyond belief that so many people came and were so supportive. The gifts were totally just the icing on the cake. It meant even more that they just showed up, ya know? This is such a huge deal to me, and it meant so much to be able to celebrate, actually CELEBRATE with people that I love.

The next day, my besties threw a girls night in my honor. It was amazing. We just chilled out and talked, and ate lots and lots of delicious food. It really doesn't get much better than that. They had all gone in on a wonderful bag-o-goodies for Miss E, and it was pretty much just a perfect night. It's amazing how seemingly "little things" can mean so much. Again, it wasn't about the gifts. Just the love. (How sappy does that sound?)

I have spent the last 2 days running around like a mad woman trying to wrap things up. I washed the car seat and covers to the swings as well as anything fabric even remotely related to Miss E. I used the cash I got at the shower and purchased a Bo.p.py, that I am super excited to make a cover for (it came with one, but I want to make some that match the blankets and burp clothes that I made... why not?)

As for progress that doesn't require loads of cleaning, or driving time... I'm not making much. Actually, I'm not making any. =( At my Dr. appointment on Monday, I was still only dilated to a 1, and holding steady at 60% effaced. No change at all from last week. This freaks me out more than I can tell you. With LJ, my c-section (read: experience that has left me scarred for life) was due to "failure to progress." My OB has warned that if I do not have a "favorable cervix" a VBAC is unlikely. So, I have been overdoing it. Intentionally. I have stayed on my feet waaaay too long most days, and done more walking than I thought was physically possible for me to do, all with the hopes that I will get some good news on Monday and that gravity will have pulled the little one a little farther towards my cervix - enough to put some pressure on the stubborn thing, and it will have progressed a bit (anything, really). I'm in no rush to actually go into labor, but I would really like to help my body along so that when it does come time, no scalpel will be required. (oh, a girl can dream.)

Other than my extreme case of elephantitis from the knees down, I'm am feeling pretty dang good. I manage to sleep through the majority of the night, and I have finally got the acid reflux under control with the help of 40 mgs. of Ome.prez.ole. Mother Nature has decided to cut me a break, and even my allergies have seemed to lessen as of late. I have decided to stop the scale watching and just accept the fact that I will NOT be making my recommended weight. I am stressing too much over it, and at this point, I'm pretty sure it's impossible for me to catch up. I have to let it go. EJ is measuring just over 6lbs. and the doctor says she is healthy. That has to be enough. So my baby won't be all roley-poley. Oh, well. I have tried, but there is nothing else I can do.

So, there's my update. At this point, I have no idea what the next post will say... either "still waiting" or "she's here", so in the meantime, I'll just leave you with some eye-candy of EJ/Miss E from Monday. (She does have some super cute chubby cheeks, no?)

** I promise she's not disfigured. Just an awkward angle skewing 1/2 of her face.

We're Going to Have Our Hands Full

2011-07-30T00:48:00.004-06:00

Today was... um, terrifying.

We spent the morning puppy-sitting my Dad's new chocolate lab. He's super adorable, and makes LJ all kinds of happy. When he came to pick him up, we sat and talked for about an hour. Just shooting the breeze and chilling out. While I was talking with him, Miss E was moving around like crazy. It was silly to watch, because it almost seemed as if she was trying to kick things off of my "lap." (yeah, like I have a lap at this point.)

Anyway.

After he left, I decided that I was going to just relax for a bit. Funny, but E wasn't moving any more. I figured she was just asleep. About an hour later, she still hadn't moved. "Probably just squished in there. I'm sure she's fine." I thought. Another hour passed, and I started to freak out. I hopped in the tub, where she normally becomes very active. I can sit and watch her move for a good 30 minutes... usually. This time - nothing. I could feel where her little bum was, so I used the palm of my hand to push her. Hard. She simply moved down, but only from the force of my hand. Then I waited for her to kick me. She usually doesn't appreciate being "told" where to go, so I figured she'd surely protest if I pushed on her. Nothing. I got out of the tub, and had LJ bring me a Coke, that I drank through a straw while lying in bed on my left side. 5 min... 10 min... 15 min... with nothing. Queue the tears. At 20 minutes I called my OB. They sent me to labor and delivery.

So, there I am trying not to completely freak out while lying to LJ, ("oh, I forgot I forgot I have an appointment today up at the hospital for a quick test") while texting my Dad about what going on and making arrangements for him to babysit. We got all loaded into the car (I drove... DH's cast isn't exactly driving-friendly) and headed out. This is about where my heart about exploded because everyone was driving SO DAMN SLOWLY! And it occurred to me that the hospital isn't nearly as close as it has seemed every other time we have been there. Longest 15 minutes EVER! Just before we got to the hospital, I thought I might have felt something, but it was so small I wasn't sure.

Once we arrived it took another 20 minutes to get registered and hooked up to the monitors.

132 bpm. I almost puked.

Then she moved. BIG. The giant "whoosh" that echoed through the room through the monitor made me almost pass out from relief. I watched intently as her heartbeat jumped all over. From 117-184 bpm. She kept moving. At that point, I didn't care that I looked like a giant idiot for coming to the hospital when she was obviously just trying to scare the shit out of me. Well done, EJ. Task accomplished.

After about an hour, we were sent home. Happy, safe, and HEALTHY, with a few more gray hairs to show for the experience. What a stinker! She's already grounded until she's 5. I'm not even kidding. (well, maybe just a little.)

One interesting tidbit of info we learned: I'm contracting. A lot. Not big contractions, (I can't even feel them) but they are steady and regular. What does this mean? NOT A DANG THING! Another thing I learned? My doctor likes to go out of town without warning his patients. Nice. I'm a little irked by that one. I have another appointment on Monday. We'll be discussing.

As for now... I'm heading to bed to put my cankles up and hopefully bask in the delight of feeling my daughter try her best to keep me awake all night long. Go ahead, Missy E. Do your thing. I'll be happy to watch my tummy dance as long as you're willing to make it do so. And please, for the love - NEVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN!!!

An annoying pregnancy-related post, complete with pics.

2011-07-25T22:25:00.005-06:00

I couldn't resist, and must share. (That's a good sign, right?)

Miss E @ 36w5d

Obviously, there is something in front of her face, probably her arm, but I couldn't help it. I love this picture!

My Dr. appointment was pretty uneventful. I forgot all of the questions I was going to ask, so it was a pretty quick trip. I am still only dilated to a 1, but I am now 60% effaced. I REALLY hope that things get a little better in the weeks to come and that my body doesn't crap out on me and force me into a c-section. I know there are worse things, but I really just don't want a repeat of LJ's birth story. I am a bit more prepared for a c-section should one be needed, but it certainly would not be ideal. Not being able to hold my baby for at least 40 minutes after delivery (assuming my epidural allows me to), and finding out most of her stats after the fact is just not what I want. I know it's still early, but hearing my OB tell me that my cervix is "not favorable" at this point threw me for a loop. There is plenty of time for it to change, but it made my anxiety-prone self worry a bit too much. I guess I just thought things were a little better than they are. *Sigh*

And, since I think I might regret it if I don't do one of these at least ONCE during my pregnancy... here goes:

How far along? 36 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: 1 lb. gained.
Maternity clothes? Mostly. My belly hasn't gotten too big, so I have a few items that I can still comfortably wear from my pre-pregnancy wardrobe.
Stretch marks? A whole crop stretched just above my belly button. They don't bother me at all. I'm proud of them. =)
Sleep: Lately it is harder to stay asleep. I have terrible acid-reflux at night that usually wakes me at least twice. Sometimes it even makes me throw up. Luckily, DH lets me sleep in, so it's really not a big deal.
Best moment this week: I am assuming this has to be pregnancy related, so I'll say seeing Miss E during my ultrasound today was pretty freakin' spectacular. (as usual)
Movement: She's mellowed out quite a bit in the last week or so, to the point of scaring me a few times, but as soon as I'm ready to call L&D, she gets the point and starts moving around like crazy.
Food cravings: I haven't really had any cravings lately other than lots and lots of ice water. With LOTS of ice. MMMMMM
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: None really. Braxton Hicks don't count.
Belly Button in or out? Innie. But barely.
Wedding rings on or off? Off. My legs from the knee down, as well as my hands are enormous. It's the only thing that is really bothering me. It makes my joints stiff, and my feet feel bruised all of the time.
What I miss: Not a damn thing!
What I am looking forward to: Of course I'm looking forward to meeting her, but I'm bitterly sad that my pregnancy is almost over. I don't want it to end!
Weekly Wisdom: Caffeine is the devil.
Milestones: I hit 37 weeks (full term) on Wednesday.

Okay, I'm going to go eat a piece of lemonade pie (OMG, delish!) and stare at ultrasound pics for a bit before I hit the hay. I'll try to update again on Monday. =)

Moving Along

2011-07-23T15:07:00.003-06:00

I'm still here. Kind of.

Things are still crazy, and I am running out of time at an astonishing rate, but things are good. DH has had pretty much zero pain from the surgery, so it's really just more of an inconvenience than anything.

My house still looks like a storage unit, with all kind of furniture out of place - either waiting to go to the actual storage unit, or to be picked up by new owners. It's the laundry that will be the death of me. My upstairs hallway is one big fire hazard. The entire corridor is lined with garbage bags full of miscellaneous fabric items waiting to be cleaned and organized. I think they will be there until I die. Pretty sure.

Right now, my current priority is packing my hospital bag. I think this wee little one will be here within 2 weeks, and I haven't even packed my bag! How did this happen? I printed out a suggestion list of what to pack from th.e bu.mp, and it is pretty awesome. Now just to gather the items. I am slowly realizing that I am not nearly as prepared as I thought I was. I have a lot that I still need to pick up. I have been scouring stores both physically and online to find the perfect outfit to bring Miss E home in, and have come up miserably short. I found ONE outfit that I thought was perfect for the occasion, but it was unavailable in the right size. I almost cried.

Speaking of Miss E, she is begun making arrangements for her arrival. At my last check I was already beginning to dilate (!) and she seems to be in the correct position to attempt a VBAC. She's a bit on the small size (which is really not very surprising seeing as I am STILL 2 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight) weighing in at an estimated 5 lbs. 5 oz. Oh, and she was kind enough to flip-off my Dr. - in 4D - when he tried to get her to turn so that we could get a picture of her face. She gets it from her Dad, I'm sure.

Apparently, I am positive for Group B Strep, which I was surprised about. I didn't have it with LJ, so I expected that it would be the same this time. My Dr. said that it is pretty much a non-issue anyway, as long as I get IV antibiotics during labor.

Okay, I think I've brought you all up to date. I'm off to pack my bag. =)

Oh, and if any of you happen to stumble upon an outfit like this one (the pink) in a local store... PLEASE let me know! This is from Ma.cy's but of course, not the right size. TIA

Hurdle #1 Cleared

2011-07-15T02:07:00.002-06:00

DH's surgery went well today. (Or yesterday, but whatever. Days are separated by sleep, therefore it was today. LOL)

They put him in a super smelly splint that makes me want to gag every time I come near him (seriously, I swear the dipped the damn thing in fish guts before they put it on his foot! Probably enough to last the 2 weeks he has to wear it. GAG!!!), but he is in zero pain for now. He had a nerve block before the operation that should hopefully last until tomorrow afternoon. Then the pain pills should take over from there.

Anyway... the next 2 weeks are going to suck like crazy, but in the end it will all be worth it.

Sorry for the mini-updates, but it's the best I can do for now.

Remember when...

2011-07-07T18:03:00.001-06:00

...I said 7 weeks?

Doc says 3. We'll see if his prediction comes true. Like I said, no induction.

So PLEASE, Miss E.... wait a while, k?

I should be sleeping...

2011-07-01T00:27:00.003-06:00

...but instead I'm letting myself be, um. I don't even know.

I only have 7 weeks left! =) I only have 7 weeks left =(

I can't believe it's almost over. She's going to be here before we know it and although I'm absolutely giddy with excitement to see her precious little face... I'm so sad that it's almost! over! Where did the time go?

I lay here at night and watch my belly dance and all I can think about is how incredibly lucky we are. Even though there is so much going on right now and stress is nearly overwhelming, I am so happy. Right now, I have little EJ all to myself. I've needed this experience for so long and I am so sad to see it come to and end. I know, I know... I still have 7 weeks, but that is really not very long. I will miss her using my bladder as a trampoline, and stretching out sideways so I look like I have a watermelon in my shirt. I will miss her getting all hyperactive about 20 minutes after I eat, and I will miss my little mental conversations with her in the middle of the night after I've gotten up to pee for the 40th time.

This has been such a different experience for me. I am so much more appreciative. With LJ I was so naive, and took so so much for granted. And although by most people's standards I have plenty to complain about, I am LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF THIS! I get really frustrated when people try to get me to complain, or make comments like they pity me for being pregnant in the summer. OMG! NOT SUMMER! (*eye roll) "Aren't you just miserable?" , "I'm dying of heat, I can't even imagine how awful you must feel!"... this kind of thing. Okay, first of all... I am not miserable in the slightest. I'd spend my 40 weeks in Hades if it meant I got to bring this baby home. And really? Hot? The warmest it's been is 92*. WHAAAA! I have an air conditioner, and I'm not idiotic enough to spend my days out in direct sunlight. Why is this so hard for people to understand? Bottom line: I signed up for this. I begged God everyday for 8 years for this miracle. Why, for any reason - would I complain about it? This is EXACTLY what I asked for. This is not to say that pregnancy is always easy, but it IS always wonderful, and should never be treated as anything other than the miracle it is. Oh, and if one more person asks me if I'm going to be induced so that I can "just get her out of there", I'm going to kill someone. SHE'LL COME WHEN SHE'S FREAKIN' READY! She has my permission to use my uterus for as long as we're both healthy. I don't care if she waits until September! I am not going to wish this away for any reason! So, no. If I get my way, I won't be induced AT ALL! Ugh.

Wow. Sorry. Didn't realize all that was bugging me so bad. I do feel a bit better though. LOL

Oh, and I really need to thank you all for your kind comments to my last post. Things are still crazy, and time is just a'ticking away, but I really will survive. I know that I have so much to be grateful for, and that above all is affecting me daily. Although things are chaotic and I don't have any spare time (like I said.. I should be sleeping), I really am happy.

Thank you all for taking such great care of me. I heart you! Hopefully sometime soon I'll have a chance to catch up with all of you. But seriously. Thanks for always being here for me!

I will survive...

2011-06-23T17:24:00.002-06:00

DH is scheduled for surgery in 3 weeks and will need a total of 3 months to recover. He will have his cast removed 2 days before my due date.

I am having gallbladder attacks (thinks the doc) and am going in for more tests tomorrow.

LJ has nightly rehersals for The. Wiz.ard of O.z. and shows running through July 5th.

EJ is breech and only in the 25% for weight, and I can't figure out how to stop losing weight.

And, the only "vacation" I was going to get has been cancelled due to flooding at the location.

I know, it could be much worse... but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm afraid blogging will most likely have to wait.

My Point of View (PICTURE POST)

2011-06-19T23:14:00.011-06:00

8.5 weeks. That's all I have left until my due date. It has gone by ridiculously fast for me and I'm finally to the point that most of the dread has passed.

I have been reading a lot of my favorite blogs lately with a bit of jealousy. I love looking at ultrasound/belly pics and yet, I haven't posted any of my own. So - I figured, what the hell. This was meant to be another volume of my journals, so I'm going to post a couple of pics here and there. And since this whole blog is written from my point of view, that's what you get with the belly shot. =)

I went from this...

Day of transfer (only 2 days into the heparin)

to this -

29 weeks

Granted, that last pic was taken nearly 3 weeks ago, but to tell you the truth... I look the EXACT same! I'm starting to wonder if I will get much bigger than this. With LJ, I never looked much further than about 7 months, so maybe it will be the same this time. (I can still wear my pre-pregnancy clothes if I use a rubber band.)

Everything is going really well. The anemia is under control and I haven't had any side effects from the iron. The only not-so-pleasant thing that I have going on is some adema in my legs/feet. My feet keep getting so puffy that my skin feels like it's on fire, and my legs will actually dent if I push on them. But honestly, it's not horrible. It's only uncomfortable at night, and the rest of the time it gives me a wonderful excuse to stay off my feet. =) I've been drinking more water and trying not to do so much and it really seems to be helping. I only gained 3 pounds at my last appointment (Dr. thinks it's the adema) and I am still 4 lbs. under my pre-pregnancy weight. EJ is estimated at 3 lbs. 7 ounces as of a week and a half ago, and everything looks good. (Except for my feet. LOL)

And finally - the reason I am so very very happy to be doing this:

4D Ultrasound from 4/17/11

She's perfect. She's silly (kicked her Daddy in the head twice today just to say "Happy Father's Day", I'm sure!) and she's exactly what our family has been needing. Her middle name will be "Joy", because there is simply no better way to describe her.

She is worth every. single. tear. that has been shed in the last 8 years. She is worth celebrating. She is worth seeing on this blog, and she is a miracle.

Life is so good right now.

Thoughts for a Friend

2011-06-13T10:47:00.003-06:00

My heart is absolutely broken for a dear friend of mine, L. Saturday evening, after settling in for 5 months of in-hospital bedrest, her sweet son Christopher was born still at only 16 weeks.

This family has been through so much in the last year and a half. Although L has a smile on her face, I know that she is struggling (and very rightfully so.)

She and her family are very strong, and have a tremendous amount of faith. Nonetheless, any prayers, good thoughts, or well wishes are very much appreciated for this sweet family. I can't imagine what they are feeling right now. I can only hope that if we can flood them with love and support, their burden may be lessened to some degree. Please keep them in you thoughts. I know that I can't get them out of mine.

Le Sigh

2011-06-03T22:47:00.002-06:00

Life is busy. I mean CRAZY busy. Here's why:

1. DH has been slowly moving his office from work to home (and thereby consuming every last bit of free space in my home with LARGE boxes of office equipment... not that there's a lot of free space with all this baby stuff floating around, but still...). It's putting me out of my comfort level at an alarming rate, and I'm going nuts will all of this clutter. I don't do well with change, and this is making me nuts!

2. LJ is wrapping up her softball season with a slew of double headers. Her last games are Wednesday and I'm totally expecting some tears that day (mine!). I have absolutely LOVED watching her games. I will be really sad to see the season end.

3. LJ's last day of school was today. The last 3 weeks have been more than chaotic with all the activities planned. Between the regular school celebrations, and the Spectrum Program's little (and by little I mean all day ginormous) activities, we've been swamped. Zoo, planetarium, Science Center, Spectrum Olympics, chimes concert, decade day, field day, water party, awards ceremony, and economics fair. It's been a bit more than crazy.

4. Yard sale. We are planning a yard sale for next Saturday and it's been a lot of work. We live in a townhouse that is approx. 1200-1300 sq. ft. and we're trying to de-clutter and make room for not only DH's home office, but also the baby. We're also hoping to down-size our 10x10 storage unit by selling a bunch of stuff in there. I cannot express how cluttered my house is right now. I currently have a swing and pack-n-play set up in the middle of my living room - which just happens to be one of the smallest rooms in my home, along with all of DH's office stuff. We're a little squished.

5. Family commitments. Between the in-laws needing lots of help re-landscaping their backyard and my SIL moving and preparing her old house for renters, we've spent a lot of time away from home.

6. Preparations for LJ's next play. Apparently, she's caught the acting bug. She's been begging to audition for a play in a community theater for a long time, but I haven't let her because most of the production dates are during the school year. Plays that last until 10 pm or later on school nights just don't jive with a 3rd grader's sleep requirements, ya know? So, when we heard that our city is doing a production of The Wi.zard of O.z that will run from June 30th-July 5th with all rehearsals on Saturday mornings... well, I couldn't exactly say "no." She auditioned back in April, and was beyond THRILLED to get a role as a munchkin (fitting, no?). We didn't find out until later that it would be my responsibility to make her costume.

Actually, I rather like sewing... especially Halloween costumes. But it's much harder to get into it when it's someone else's idea. And I'm not really loving the idea. Oh, well. LJ's happy so that's all that matters. I am super excited to see the play. Her enthusiasm is contagious! (Oh, and they are having a contest between cast members to see who can sell the most tickets and my girl wants to WIN! She's nothing if not determined!)

So, this is my lame-ass apology for being MIA. I hope to get through the next few weeks alive, and then hopefully we'll get back to our regularly scheduled programming. =)

Shock and Awe

2011-05-18T10:25:00.002-06:00

I was laying in bed this morning, cherishing those last few moments before my "snooze" time expired, when my phone chattered next to me to alert me to the new email I had received. I got out of bed, helped get LJ ready for school, and sent DH and the Munchkin out the door, largely forgetting about my email.

As I was loading the dishwasher, my phone chattered again. "Oh, yeah", I thought. Email. So, I logged in.

Subject: "Welcome to your third trimester!"

I didn't believe it. I fired up my laptop and started googling, "when does the third trimester of pregnancy begin?" Guess what. It really is today.

I am still in a bit of shock. Wow! That's really all I got - wow.

HA! (Updated)

2011-05-16T10:29:00.004-06:00

Have you ever just craved telling your doctor "I told ya so!"?

I have. It's totally childish, I admit. But hey - I can't help it.

I went for my follow up on Friday and my doctor did some blood work. If you remember, I went in last Wednesday and had my iron checked (just a finger prick) and I was literally STUNNED that it came back normal. I have had an issue with anemia for a couple of years, so I fully expected it to be the issue. I was told that it wasn't. When I went in on Friday for my GD screening I asked the phlebotomist to run an iron panel as well. Call me skeptic, I don't care. My doc skeptically okay'd the test and told me that the labs would all be back on Monday (today). He canned the bed rest and told me just to "move slower" and "pound down the water." Well, I can't really say that I moved any slower (LJ's birthday party left me chasing after 6 9-year-olds) but I definitely gave my bladder a work out.

I called this morning for my lab results. My doctor hasn't signed off on them or given any recommendations yet, but in a nutshell - my iron is completely out of whack. Low saturation, high binding capacity. I can't wait to talk to my Dr. He looked at me as if I were an alien when I requested the test. He told me that if the finger prick test was normal, the labs should be "just fine" as well, and that if they were off that it would be "strange" and that he was going to send me to a hematologist. So, we'll see what he says, but I can't help but gloat in my head. I FREAKIN' TOLD YOU SO!!!

Oh, and the nurse said that my blood sugar came back "a little high" but nothing worrisome. It was 131. I'm not at all concerned. Most of the doctors in that practice don't even blink until it gets to 135... so we'll see what the doc says. I doubt it will be an issue.

Anyway. I just had to put it out there (even if it makes me sound like a total brat!) I'm so glad that the dizziness is an easy fix. Iron supplementation, here I come!

ETA: I passed the glucose tolerance test, but have to see a hematologist on Thursday. I'm predicting a diagnosis: Iron deficiency anemia, with a treatment plan of iron supplementation. Any bets?

Monday, Monday...

2011-05-11T21:54:00.000-06:00

Just a quick post to tell you I'm alive... just super busy.

My Dr. put me on bed rest today (lame!) but I will likely get the green-light to go back to normal on Friday when I go in for my glucose tolerance test and a follow up. Just a bunch of unexplained dizzy spells that prompted him to give the order, along with instructions to drink lots and lots of fluids (my poor bladder!) My iron is fine, and I have no signs of infections or anything scary like preterm labor, so this is largely precautionary and nothing serious. Just REALLY inconvenient.

I'm a little freaked out because this couldn't have come at a worse time. LJ's birthday is Saturday, and I have about a million and one things to get done before then. It will take a miracle to pull this off. Oh, and did I mention that DH can't help? He tore a few ligaments in his right ankle over the weekend, and his foot is so swollen and black and blue, that he's supposed to stay off of it and keep it elevated and iced.

Yeah, this was GREAT timing! I just have to get through this week and weekend. Then life will be back to lovely, right? Right?

Coming Out

2011-04-27T14:48:00.002-06:00

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I followed the lead of a friend and outed myself on fac.eb.ook.

Like, totally outed myself. And I even changed my security for that ONE POST so that EVERYONE could see it. It was a brief post, but included length of time, cycle count, miscarriages, surgeries, and how many/what treatments we have done.

I feel very exposed. My family and close friends have known all along. But fac.eb.ook? That's a totally different thing.

But... I'm glad I did it. Please read this article and see if you feel inspired to share publicly. Maybe just a neighbor, or a co-worker. The point is: We NEED to talk about this.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dina-roth-port/infertility-the-disease-w_b_819978.html

It's a Duel! (A ramble of sorts...)

2011-04-19T09:13:00.005-06:00

You know those days that knock you off your feet for no apparent reason? When you wake up feeling sad, alone, and completely hopeless? I know you do. Infertility is such a soul-sucking thing to experience. There have been many, many days that I didn't want to get out of bed. For the most part, I'm getting over that, but it's not easy.

And now, I feel kind of trapped. I am an infertile woman living in a pregnant body. How weird is that?!? I feel lost. I'm stuck between two "me's" - the pregnant me, that annoys the crap out of the infertile me, and the infertile me that the pregnant me wants to punch in the face and tell to "snap out of it!"

I guess I figured that pregnancy would be all sunshine and rainbows. And it SHOULD BE!! I have absolutely nothing to complain about. My body is functioning as it should, my baby is growing perfectly, and everything is going exactly as it "should". But part of me is so miserable. I didn't think it was possible to be jealous of yourself, but I guarantee that it is.

I am beginning to hate blogging. I constantly fight with myself about what I should share in this space. The truth: I am majorly uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy. It makes me cringe to even think about. And yet, I feel that if I don't it's the same thing as me giving the finger to this whole miraculous event. It's like not saying "thank you", ya know? I don't want to come off as this ungrateful bitch. And yet, if I do post about it I feel like I'm telling everyone still struggling to eff-off (the infertile me included). And the kicker is, I know that this dilemma is completely self-inflicted. I know that I don't have to share anything I don't want to, and I know that this is my space and that if someone doesn't want to read they have the choice to click away. But still... I can't find a happy medium.

I really don't know how to be. 8 years. I have had the life taken from me for the last eight. years. How did I expect to feel if this ever happened? Instantly healed? As if this whole ordeal wasn't that big of a deal? How very, very naive of me.

And no, I am not walking around depressed and melancholy all the time. I just don't want to be the one to make that woman who is struggling cry. I remember those days so clearly; walking through the grocery store and seeing a very pregnant woman with her toddler in the cart, and school-aged child walking beside her, and wondering "why her?" Or what was even worse, noticing a woman who looked to be about as far along as I "should" have been after any of my losses, just another reminder of what I almost had. It kills me to know that there are probably those out there who are looking at me now, the same way as I did those women. I am not oblivious.

Why is this the way that God chose to teach me that life isn't fair?

I have no desire whatsoever to "flaunt" my belly, or bring attention to myself at all. I hate it when strangers notice that I am pregnant and ask me questions. I just want to enjoy this privately; have my cake and eat it too.

I wonder if I will ever get over this. Is there such a thing?

For those of you reading who want to slap me, please do so (figuratively of course.) I know that I have no right to complain. It's just one of those days. And for those of you who are still struggling, please know that I haven't forgotten about you, and that I think of you so very very often. I heard this today and it instantly made me think of all those really hard days. The ones that drain you so completely that you can barely muster the strength to stand. I will never forget those days. They still hurt.

This song is by an LDS ("mormon") artist, Hilary Weeks.

Just Let Me Cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

We’re not just tossed by the wind,

or left in the hands of fate.

But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.

And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...

I dig my heels in deep,

and I fight to keep my ground.

Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.

And there’s nothing I can do but let out...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.

But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...

And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.

But for now...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

I have felt joy,

the kind that makes my heart want to sing.

And so my tears are not a surrender,

I’ll feel that way again.

But for now...

For this moment...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel.

Isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

"It's so good to see you fat!"!!

2011-04-13T00:14:00.005-06:00

Yes, this was actually said to me. Okay, well not to me but to DH - about me. The word "fat" was substituted for "big" when it was said directly to me.

But don't worry. I still love the person who said it. After all, she's IS my grandma! LOL

So, apparently my belly has finally decided to announce this pregnancy. So far I have gone to maternity pants, back to my normal clothes, and now heading back to maternity. DH told me today that I can no longer hide it now that thing are beginning to round out. (Not that I've been trying to hide anything.)

Tonight was probably the most mortifying experience I have had so far. I went bra shopping. Not because my bras aren't fitting, but because I'm tired of being stabbed with escaping underwires, and I decided to move on to a nursing bra. (No, it's not too early. Trust me. I have overachieving ta-ta's. Nursing pads are already needed.)

I began with my normal size. Too small.

I moved up a band size. Needed a bigger cup (!!)

Moved to a bigger cup. Still too small.

Then I was measured.

OH. MY. HELL.

I am in an "F", girls. A. FREAKING. EFF!!!

I almost cried. Then I laughed. Then I showed DH (who asked if he could brag). Then I almost cried again when I realized that this is not the size I will end up as. (I went up almost 3 cup sizes after my milk came in with LJ.)

You know why this sucks, right? Not only is this an incredibly hard size to find... but I AM GOING TO END UP WITH BOOBS THAT SAG TO MY ANKLES and I'm not even 30 yet! I do not want to be one of those women who have to roll their boobs up just so they can fit them in a bra! I can see it now. My bra will look like 2 tube socks sewn to some straps.

Go ahead. Laugh. I am. (kinda)

Before and After.

Honestly, I don't care that much. I was just super embarrassed. At least I got a great deal! 2 bras for $40 bucks ain't bad! =)

Hooray for Today

2011-03-29T12:41:00.003-06:00

Today I have so much to be thankful for.

I am walking. That's right... this nearly 30-year-old woman has learned to walk again! YES!

Then, I logged on to check on some of my bloggy friends, and the first thing I read is STELLAR news! (Luckies! I still can't quit smiling for you!!!)

And then... my BIL called to ask if I would mind watching my nephew once a week until our baby comes. Um, YES! Seriously, it's not even a competition. I have the CUTEST nieces and nephews on the planet. I am so excited! I can't wait for Thursday!

To make this week even more exciting, LJ's Spectrum play is this Friday. She has had so many amazing opportunities this year in the Gifted and Talented program. She has excelled even more than we expected and I think she's found her place. She has a part as a Sneetch (from the Dr. Seuss book) and is beyond excited. I may even post a picture of her in costume. I doubt anyone IRL would recognize her. I can't wait!

Oh, and there's the little place that DH found. It's a small restaurant that serves baked potatoes. JUST baked potatoes. They offer so many delicious toppings that I'm practically drooling just thinking about it. We've been there twice in the last week. Yes, I gimped my way there TWICE! It is SOOO GOOD! (Really, people. It's the little things!)

And to top things off, this Wee One who, sadly, still does not have a name, is becoming more predictable in her movements. I'm sure people think I'm a lunatic because I often find myself giggling for what I'm sure appears to be no particular reason. In all reality it is because she just plain makes me happy and I am beyond grateful for the little reminders that she's still there. Alive and (literally) kicking.

I am feeling so very, very blessed today. =)

A Taste of Things to Come

2011-03-23T15:17:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure if I've mentioned before, but my back is a piece of crap. (Thanks, Mom)

I have been through physical therapy and generally speaking, as long as I'm careful I don't usually have many issues other than an occasional flare. Granted, the flares are AWFUL and leave me basically paralyzed for a number of days followed by shooting pains and leg numbness. It's awesome! I know that you're totally jealous!

Normally, my doctor would give me a shot (or two, or three) of Tor.e.dol, a healthy dose of muscle relaxers, and a course of steroids (sometimes 2). Usually this works.

Sunday morning, I was sitting at the edge of my bed just getting ready to leave. I bent down to pick up my shoes, and when I sat up (no twisting motion, no awkward position... nothing) I felt the oh too familiar feeling of a nerve getting pissed off. Fire shot down both of my legs, across my hips, and up and over my shoulders. It passed quickly but left me frozen in my sitting position, scared to move. After a few moments I tried to stand. HAHAHAHAHA! I was basically stuck in the sitting position, only standing, and I could barely lift my legs. Oh, and I was home alone.

Although painful, I could still walk. I gingerly made my way downstairs and out to my car. I drove a few blocks to my Dad's house and sat with him for a couple of hours while I tried to decide what to do. By this point, I couldn't raise my feet, and was mostly in tears. Finally, I called the OB on call and told her what had happened. She called in a prescription of the steroid that I usually take, but told me that because of the pregnancy the only other thing I could do was take Ty.le.nol, cuddle up with heat/ice packs and pray.

My step-mom helped me back out to my car and I went to pick up the prescription (thank heaven for drive-thru pharmacies). By the time I made it home, DH and LJ were home. Imagine the look on his face when he met me at the car and saw my crippled self sitting in the driver's seat. Poor guy. He didn't know what to do. It took me close to an hour to get in the house and situated in my bed.

Although this flare has been awful in a lot of ways, I think the physical therapy that I did after the last bad flare has taught my muscles how to support the structures in my spine well enough to heal faster. Monday, I stood in front of DH, thinking he'd be so proud that I was actually able to stand up straight. That was, until he pointed out that I wasn't straight. I was tipped to the right. My hips were so uneven that even though from a side view I was upright, looking straight on I was leaning. Apparently, this is what the muscle relaxers prevent. My Dr. told us that it is caused by a severe muscle spasm that essentially pulls the leg up, making it shorter. Funny thing is, I couldn't tell at all unless I looked in the mirror.

Luckily, I am improving. The steroids seem to be working, and I am getting a bit more mobile everyday. I really am lucky. The last flare that felt as bad as this did on Sunday, left me unable to walk for nearly 2 months. This is only my 4th day, and I think I will be back to at least sitting in the next day or so. I can walk short distances relatively normally. It's just that my legs aren't doing so well at supporting me when I stand. All of the sudden they give out, and falling is the LAST thing I want to do.

My orthopedic Dr. warned me that this is likely only the first flare that will happen during this pregnancy. As the baby gets heavier, she will be putting more pressure directly on my injured discs. I'm not going to lie. He warned me years ago that pregnancy was a "bad idea" and that I was "one bad lift" away from blowing the discs completely. But seriously? There was no way I was going to give up. This is not life-threatening. It is merely an inconvenience (albeit a painful one). I can take it. Worst case scenario is that it speeds up the deterioration of the discs and I have to have surgery sooner than I'd like. Big whoop. It's going to happen eventually anyway. And let's be real. This is NOT the worst thing that has happened to me in the last 8 years!

And she's SO worth it!

It's a...

2011-03-19T21:20:00.004-06:00

I can't believe we have made it this far. I could barely sleep Thursday night, and then when I did manage to nod off, I had a schmuck-load of crazy dreams.

We decided to let LJ ditch school so that she could come to the appointment with us. We arrived 20 minutes early, hopeful that we would be able to get back with a tech before our actual appointment time seeing as I had another appointment scheduled exactly 1 hour after the ultrasound (not by choice). Well, no such luck. My appointment was at 10:30, and we weren't called back until 11:10.

The ultrasound tech wasn't the best, and didn't really try to get all the shots that we needed. It only took a minute to determine the gender, and then we quickly moved on to all of the other little things that they measure. When she was finished with the scan, she exited the room to consult with the doctor and make sure that the images were suitable. She came back, told me to go ahead and clean up and we were ready to go. Oh, and we'd have to come back. She wasn't able to get clear enough images of a few of the structures. "Which ones?" I asked. "Just the heart and brain" she said. Like it was no biggie. Sigh. I know that if it was something major that the Dr. wouldn't have let us go, and from what we could tell everything looked good. (The tech agreed. She said that coming back is really just a technicality.)

Honestly, I spent more time watching the look on LJ's face than I did the ultrasound. She was so excited. The experience is one that I will never forget. Every time the baby would move, LJ would either make a tiny squeaking noise or gasp. It was delightful. When she got dressed that morning she made sure to put on her "Girls Rule Everything" shirt, hoping to sway fate in that direction.

Well, apparently it worked. We are thrilled to welcome another little princess into our family in August. We are all very happy. I know that pretty much everyone IRL was hoping that we'd "get our boy", but honestly... this is lovely. I am not even slightly disappointed. I am beyond grateful that this baby is healthy, and just as happy that LJ gets a little sister.

Life is so good right now.

The New Tom Cruise?

2011-03-11T15:34:00.002-07:00

So, I think it's pretty obvious that Charlie Sheen has flipped his lid. Remember when Tom Cruise was jumping on Oprah's couch? I'm pretty sure that's Charlie's next move.

I think it's hilarious that his insults consist of calling people "contaminated maggots", and "trolls", but if you're cool in his book, you're a "warlock" or "goddess". And what the hell is with the obsession with tiger's blood?

According to Charlie, Jon Cryer is one of the "trolls" that so badly irks him. Most of the people that have been verbally attacked by Charlie aren't commenting. But Jon decided to set the record straight.

See for yourself:

I totally needed that laugh today. Thanks, Jon!

Tender Mercies

2011-03-01T23:21:00.005-07:00

My legs are folded in front of me, body slightly hunched over with my abdomen bent to the right so that my arm rests on the headrest of the couch seat next to me.

I have been savoring the last few drops of my 20 oz. Coke, praying that the bottle will miraculously refill itself.

And... I can't stop crying or wipe the smile off my face.

My VERY REAL baby is moving, and...

I can feel it!

Gratitude doesn't begin to cover it.

Out There

2011-02-27T12:48:00.004-07:00

I don't know how to do this part. The pregnant part.

I have spent so much time focusing on just getting pregnant, and I never really thought about what it would actually be like if it happened. It's been a long, long time since I was able to picture myself with a baby in my arms, and honestly.... I still can't.

I feel like I'm lying every time I tell someone that I'm pregnant. I recorded an ultrasound and I keep it on my phone just so that when I need a reality-check, I can pull it up and watch it. It's so weird to see my name at the top of the ultrasound screen.

All of this pisses me off so much! I am terrified that I am not going to bond with this child, all because I simply can't wrap my mind around the fact that there IS a child.

I don't feel movement yet, I'm used to the "symptoms"* and they now just seem normal to me, and I don't really think I look any different than before. How do I convince myself that it's real.

The nightmares have begun. I had such a horrible dream that I ended up calling my family doctor that is really close to my house so that I could go in just to check for a heartbeat.

I thought that it was over. He placed the wand over my uterus and scanned and scanned. Nothing. He told me that it wasn't the best doppler, so then he started to look for my heartbeat just to make sure the tool was working. Sure enough, my heartbeat was coming through nicely. Still no baby. I looked at DH and I could see the panic on his face. "Maybe I just need more gel" The doc said. He put more goo on my tummy and began to scan again. My c-section scar was burning horribly due to the force in which he was stretching the skin. After an eternity (probably close to 10 min. total) we heard a heart beat. He compared the rate to the pulse on my wrist and calmly said, "that's not you."

I left in such a state of shock, that it took until the next morning to notice the gash in my skin just above my c-section scar. He had pulled so hard, that my skin actually tore. (Trust me, I'm feeling it now!)

What do I do? How do I shake this? When I say "this doesn't feel real" it's not the blissful, "I can't believe this is happening" with a grin on my face, kind of thing. It's the scary, "I can't tell what is reality" kind of thing. Have you seen Inception? Yeah, it's kind of like that. There is this huge fear that is smothering me. What if it isn't real? What if I finally went 'round the bend and I've completely lost it?

After fighting infertility for so long, it hard to feel like I'm winning.

It's a weird video, but it's the words that count.

And That's Why I Love Him

2011-02-21T23:03:00.004-07:00

Have you seen this? (watch before reading on)

I love it. I laugh every time I watch it. I know it's ironic now, but hey...

So, I decided to show the hubs. I thought he'd appreciate it too.

He blankly stared at the screen while the video played, and just looked at me when it was over.

"It's funny!" I said.

His reply?

"Whatever you say, Bitch."

...and then I almost peed my pants laughing.

The End.

Guilty

2011-02-20T10:54:00.002-07:00

I broke the rule. Okay, I don't know if it's actually a rule, but still.

I bought baby stuff. A car seat, stroller, pack 'n play, a portable swing, and a regular swing.

Seriously?!?

Of course I feel like a lunatic, but I know that I shouldn't. Think positive, right?

Why did I buy all of this stuff now, you ask? Well, a certain massive baby retailer who shall remain nameless ran a huge promotion: Turn in your old baby stuff and we'll give you 25% off new stuff.

I caved, and it saved me $100.00. That's worth it, right?

Still, I can't believe I bought all this stuff. I'm not even 15 weeks yet! With LJ we didn't buy anything until I was closer to 30-35 weeks. I can't believe how silly I feel. I know that so far, everything looks fine, and like this baby will actually make a healthy appearance in August. But I still can't believe we did it! My house looks like this certain massive baby retailer threw up in my living room!

Sigh. Maybe seeing all this baby gear will help it sink in that I'm currently growing the tiny human that will use it all. Hopefully.

Quick Update

2011-02-17T13:46:00.002-07:00

There's really nothing to post.

All is well (at least as far as I know) and things are moving right along. We had our NT scan last week and I bawled all through the ultrasound. It still hasn't quite sunk in.

I had a bit of spotting this week. Nothing major, and it stopped within a few hours. I'm trying not to freak out, and so far doing a pretty good job. I have a check up tomorrow, so I'll be sure to bring it up.

I had to make the move to maternity pants this week. I feel silly for doing it, since I still don't look any different, but WOW, what a difference they make. SO much more comfortable!

Anywho... there's the scoop. I'm sorry I'm so boring. When I find the words I want to say, I promise to put them here first. I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, so that makes posting difficult. But rest assured... I still love you! ;)

Voluntary Guinea Pig

2011-02-03T21:26:00.002-07:00

Let me just tell you how lame I am.

While shopping tonight at Wal.green.'s I ran across this:

Okay, it's not the first time I'd heard of these, and I'll admit to doing a tiny bit of looking into it google-style before I ran into it, so when I saw it my will power shrank. I called K and asked if I could buy it (sometimes you just need the hubs to okay an irrational purchase, right?) He wasn't thrilled, but gave me the go-ahead anyway. I love him.

So I got home and quickly tore into the package.

Step 1: "Collect your first morning's urine in the cup provided. (Use ONLY first morning urine.)"

CRAP! It's 8:30 at night and there's no way I want to wait until morning. So, I pulled up the website and read that as long as it's been 2 1/2 hours since your last "void" it's fine. YAY!

I finished the test, and placed it on the counter to season for the required 5 minutes.

The results?

GIRL!!

Of course, I'm not putting too much stock into this one test, but still it's fun to think that it could be right! According to the internet and all it's infinite wisdom, this particular test is between 78%-90% accurate.

So, allow me to be the guinea pig, and I'll let you know if it turns out to be correct. Unfortunately, we'll just have to wait until March to know for sure. ;)

Finding Words

2011-01-28T08:45:00.006-07:00

So, here it is. The confession:

I am at a loss for words.

My biggest pet peeve as I have struggled through infertility has been people making decisions for me. Family members telling me AFTER a baby is born that so-and-so was pregnant so that they "wouldn't hurt (my) feelings", that kind of thing. I told everyone so many times that often it hurts much worse to be left out than it does to hear the news (this is just about being TOLD information... spare me the details every 30 seconds, please!). I tried to explain that I never felt like someone was jumping in line in front of me, and they had stolen my chance by getting pregnant before me. Granted, we all have our bad days, but for the most part I have gotten to the point that my good days outweigh my bad.

I had one sister-in-law that "got" it. She never left me out of what was going on during her pregnancy, but she never flaunted it either. I never heard her complain (not that I would have minded an occasional gripe), she always honestly and sincerely answered my questions when I would ask, and she never pushed information on me. In other words, she understood that it was hard for me, but also understood how much it meant to me to be a part of things.

I want to be like her.

But here's the problem. I don't know everyone's limits. I have close friends that are still in the throes of infertility, who can't find a sturdy step to balance on and the last thing I want to do is push them over the edge. We've all had those days. You're feeling fine until you log on fac.e.book and see that giant ultrasound at the top of the feed. Or when you hear some lame-ass family member complain for the 5 billionth time this week that "this sucks" while simultaneously sharing a new belly pic of their 3rd pregnancy in as many years. Give me a break!

So, what do I do? How do I find the balance between too much and too little? All morning I've been fighting the urge to put on FB something mentioning the fact that I have made it to 12 weeks. This is HUGE for me, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to be the one that makes that struggling friend cry today.

My best friend is one that is struggling. She rarely complains, and is an expert at pasting a smile on her face and saying "congratulations" even when she's dying on the inside. She is amazing. She is one of only a few friends that has walked this path with me every step of the way. She is who I called when I found out about the ectopic, and she walked along side my bed as they wheeled me into surgery, and is the first face I saw when I woke up. She has cried with me, laughed with me, and complained with me. I could not have asked for a better friend.

For the last few weeks, we haven't talked much. Both of us have been super busy, and she's been spending time with a sister that just had a baby. (Told you she was amazing! She spent over a week at her sister's home taking care of the new baby and making sure everything was in order while her sister recovered. WOW!) I talked to her a couple of times while she was there, and it was clear that she was struggling, but I guarantee she didn't let her sister know.

When she came back, I know she was on baby burn-out. Finally, the other day I called her. I told her that I was issuing her a never-ending supply of rainy-day coupons. Here's how they work: It doesn't matter if we have been planning things for weeks... if she decides even 5 minutes before that she can't handle pregnancy/baby related stuff that day (which includes even seeing me), she can text me. All she has to say is "rainy day" and we can make arrangements to reschedule for a better time when she is more comfortable. This will work for everything. She doesn't want to take my call ('cuz we all know that sometimes all we have to do is HEAR a pregnant person, and we're over the edge!)? Rainy day. Can't stand to see a baby belly? Rainy day. Because I know how it is! It sucks so bad to see someone, even someone you care tremendously for, get pregnant when you are struggling so hard trying to reach the same goal. It has nothing to do with your feelings for the person, it's your feelings about the situation. It's hard. Sometimes soul-crushing. I get it. Hopefully, this "rainy day" thing will help. I don't want to force anything on her, and I want to protect our friendship as much as possible. If she just doesn't take my calls, but never says anything... I will panic. I will question whether I did something wrong. But if she tells me "rainy day", that's just as good as saying, "Meim, I love you, but I need some space today." I can TOTALLY deal with that with no hard feelings whatsoever.

So that covers part of the issue, but what about the rest? Sharing too little. I don't want to ignore her and make her feel excluded from this MAJOR part of my life, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to mistake me waiting for her to ask me about something, as me not wanting to share with her.

So, that was a huge post that boils down to me asking for your advice. The same thing goes for this space. How much is too much? How much is too little? Help me find the balance. I don't know how to do this part. (which is a totally different post... and "this part" is sooo many different things. *Sigh*)

We Made It!

2011-01-16T00:23:00.003-07:00

Thursday was my first prenatal appointment.

My new OB, Dr. S, let me ask him a million and one questions and was super patient throughout all of it. Unfortunately, the clinic that we saw him at does not have ultrasound machines (WTF, right?), but he was nice enough to meet us up at the hospital and do a quick scan. We were lucky, and 1/2 of his appointments were up there anyway.

The main points of the day are as follows:

-NO more prenatals! This is fan-freaking-tastic seeing as I hardly ever hold them down anyway! I have taken them for the last 9 years, and they are just now making me all pukey. Doc said that since the baby's neural tube is closed already, I don't need the extra folic acid now. I can start taking them later on as I can tolerate them, and if I never get to that point (like I did with LJ) I can just take iron supplements instead.

-My blood pressure was 102/78. I made them double check. I had forgotten to take my BP meds for 2 days, so it was hard to believe that my blood pressure would actually be normal, if not a little on the lower side. I have had high blood pressure since I was 17 and have had to be on medication for the last 3 1/2 years. I have stopped taking my medication (so THAT's what's been making me so dizzy!) and have subsequently gained back the 5 lbs of water weight that the meds usually rid me of. Which brings me to my next point...

-I got in a bit of trouble for losing over 10lbs already. Honestly, I didn't think it was a problem, seeing as I'm a bit on the plus side anyway, but apparently it is. And, no... I'm not trying to lose weight. I tried to explain to my OB that this is apparently normal for me. During my entire pregnancy with LJ, I only gained 13 lbs. Granted, this was after losing quite a bit to start with. Even Zofran just isn't cutting it these days. I'm getting better, but my appetite just isn't what it was. I am lucky if I get to eat 1/2 of my meal. I figure I can either eat 1/2 and barely make it - or force down the whole thing just to have it all come back up a few minutes later. Yeah... I'll take 1/2.

-An ultrasound! It was a really fast little peek, but it was enough to calm my fears (for this week.) The screen was super tiny and at an impossible angle, but it didn't take long for Dr. S so find the heartbeat. DH could see really well, and said that the baby now looks like a little gummy bear. I wish I could have seen, but really... it's okay. All was well and that's all that really matters. Oh, OH! It was an ABDOMINAL scan! HOORAY!!! No more run-ins with the "wand".

I only have 3 days left of the PIO, and then I get to switch to Prometrium for the next 2 weeks. I am still waiting to hear back on how long I will be on the heparin. Honestly, I hope it's just a couple more weeks, but I will go as long as I need to.

It is still so strange to be experiencing this. It is just now beginning to feel real. I now have to use an elastic to fasten my pants, and I can feel a little something in the way when I bend over to tie my shoes. (I can do my pants up, but they get very uncomfortable when I sit.)

I hope I never have to wake up. I really like this dream!

Bliss

2010-12-30T14:49:00.002-07:00

I cried today. It was weird because I didn't feel it coming.

I laid on the table, greeted my Dr., and watched the screen intently. For a brief second, I was a bit nervous because the little sac didn't pop up on the screen immediately like it did last week, but as soon as he found it, we could see the most beautiful little flicker...

...and the water works began.

It was amazing! It was everything I had hoped it would be. And, AND! Our baby actually MOVED! My RE giggled more than once because every time he tried to let us actually listen to the heartbeat, the baby would move and he'd have to start all over again, it took a few tries before that perfect sound echoed through the room. It was delightful.

136 perfect beats per minute. Everything measured right on track and I'm am officially in the care of my OB. (Well, he'll be my OB after the 14th, when I meet him for the first time.)

Today was a wonderful day. Perfect, even. The best way imaginable to kiss goodbye to 2010. 2011 is going to be SO. MUCH. BETTER!

Happy Faces

2010-12-22T23:02:00.003-07:00

I am stuck. I feel like I have nowhere to go.

The handful of people that know about this pregnancy are beyond optimistic. Everyone is full of sunshine and rainbows, and practically spewing positive energy. Everyone is so dang happy. Like they don't have any doubts at all.

And I feel like a big, fat LIAR for playing along!

I know that this could all be ripped away at any moment. I know that although we've made it farther than we ever have (save LJ), we aren't THAT far, ya know?

DH's parents know. We couldn't get around telling them, and my MIL is so optimistic that she's already bought a "little gift". DH wants to tell his siblings on Christmas - or sooner.

I think I'm going to barf.

I WISH I had that much confidence. I can't imagine telling everyone, only to go to our appointment on Thursday and see that there is NO heartbeat. What then? How would I face them all... AGAIN?

I am getting so irritated. Every time DH and I talk about anything pregnancy related and I preface my words with "If", he always corrects me and says, "no, WHEN." I feel like all my VERY VALID fears are being ignored, by everyone. I know that if this pregnancy continues that I will always feel some anxiety, and I will never get over what has happened. I'm not completely naive. IF scars. The wounds may close, but they will always leave their mark.

I am trying to focus on little goals. The first 2 I've checked off: rising betas and an intrauterine gestational sac. Excellent. The next one is the biggest for me. I NEED TO SEE A HEARTBEAT! From there I will survive on the odds. They would definitely be in my favor at that point. I know that no pregnancy is ever guaranteed, but a heartbeat just might be enough to let me sleep at night.

I want this more than anything. I am doing everything in my power to keep this little bean tucked in and growing. But I've done that before. 5 other times, in fact. And yet... it's only worked once. How do you get around that? How do I sweep that under the rug and just pretend that this pregnancy is a sure thing? There is a huge difference between positive thinking, and lying to yourself... and I don't know where that line is. I am just trying to be realistic. Not negative, not ungrateful, and I'm certainly not expecting the worst. I'm just trying to be Smart Suzy, not Debbie Downer. It's just that it's soooo early, ya know? Even my RE has surprised me. He didn't mention one "if" at my appointment. He talked like it was all guaranteed. He even told me to make an appointment with an OB for the first part of January.

I don't want to be told that everything will be fine, and to just let it be. It just makes me feel like I'm creating drama. My feelings are real and they are NOT unfounded. I'm not saying that I don't want people to be positive, just not overly so. Acceptable: "Congrats! I'm crossing my fingers for you!" Unacceptable: "When do you want your baby shower?" Acceptable: "How far along are you?" Unacceptable: "Where are you delivering?" Can you see the trend? Please, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I am feeling so very, very overwhelmed.

Damn you, Infertility. You have screwed me out of another BFP. Is it too much to ask for a little joy? I fought hard for this. So hard, I've lost part of myself. A part I will likely never get back. And yet, most days I'm okay with that. I voluntarily gave it up, with my sights on a higher goal. One that is now very much within my reach. But I still feel like I'm at war. I want to rest. I want to be happy. But most of all, I just wish the people around me would "get it".

Bottom line: I'm pregnant. I hope with every bit of my being that I stay that way - but it is not a sure thing. I just need someone, preferably IRL, to tell me that they understand, that I'm not jinxing myself because I'm not 100% sure (I'm at least 75% sure, that's something, right?), and that it's smart not to get my hopes up too far.

I don't think that's too much to ask given our history, right?

Learning to Breathe

2010-12-21T21:44:00.003-07:00

Today was our first ultrasound. I was in tears before I even got out of the car, and nearly hyperventilated before we ever got to the exam room.

It took about 10 seconds. But, there it was, right were it was supposed to be. One nice, round gestational sac measuring right on target with a perfect yolk sac inside. My RE was very pleased with everything. I just stared at the screen in disbelief. I didn't think I'd ever get to this point. It seems so surreal. Is this really happening? Is this MY life??

As expected, we didn't see a heartbeat yet but we are scheduled for another ultrasound next Thursday. My RE said that they don't usually expect to see the heartbeat until the middle of the 6th week at least. Today I am 5w6d, so all is well. If everything next time goes as my doctor predicts and a heartbeat is found, he said that my risk of m/c is only 10% until the 13th week, then it will drop even lower.

When we left my nurse gave us a little bottle of Martinelli's, a stack of pregnancy related reading material, and a bunch of ultrasound pictures.

Still, this feels so weird. We were told to pick an OB by Thursday. WE ARE BEING RELEASED!!! They need to know where to send our records.

This is such a strange place to be...

Funny Story...

2010-12-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was on my way to yet another monitoring appointment. It was at the tail end of stims, and I was dreading my encounter with the "wand", if you will. If you recall, I have an ovary that prides itself on being able to disappear whenever it so chooses - this makes those scans a bit more... um, challenging.

As I was driving to the clinic I was pleading with my ovary (don't judge) to please cooperate. "I really don't want to cry today" I told it. Then, my mind wandered and I began to talk to all of my reproductive organs. Really, there was no point in pissing one of them off by not including them in my heart-felt pleas! In the middle of my rant, Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want From Me" came on the radio. Have you heard that song? No? Sad.** Let me enlighten you:

I found it so amusing. I laughed so hard I cried. (So much for that goal!)

So, forevermore this will by my IVF-song. Because, really? Who can't imagine our poor, overworked, under-appreciated ovaries screaming this very thing every time we stab yet another needle into ourselves with the hope that we can prod those little suckers along? Poor things.

"Whataya want from me!"

I hear ya, Little Ladies. "I won't let you down" you say.

Well, thanks for keeping your promise. Because after a rocky start, I'm happy to tell you that as of today... I'm pregnant. 5w1d. I have officially been released from beta-hell, (with a standing order waiting at the lab in case I need reassurance) and our first ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday to verify placement. With a history of ectopic, they wanted to have a look a little earlier than usual.

Forgive my earlier freak out. Betas weren't doing exactly what we were hoping for (they were close), but with yesterday's rise of 125% in 48 hours... all is well - we hope. Progesterone is now at a "makemegagconstantlyanddon'teventhinkaboutsleepingonyourstomach" level of 132.34.

We are hopeful, but cautious. RPL can spoil any BFP. But, hey. It's Christmas right? Why not celebrate (just a little)? We are hoping to tell our families by New Year's Eve, after we've heard a nice, strong heartbeat. Oh, please. PLEASE let us make it that far!

**You really should come out from under your rock once in a while. =)

I love you, but...

2010-12-13T20:23:00.002-07:00

No, really. I love you.

But...

I'm dealing with so much right now. I can't do it here, too. I know you are all waiting, and I'm sorry. But honestly - I'm not sure what to tell you. All I can say is: It could go either way.

Please just be with me in heart, and send all the positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, ANYTHING my way.

Sorry for the distance, but I just can't...

The Wall

2010-12-06T15:10:00.002-07:00

You know how when you run (yeah, like I run...) and you get super tired and feel like your legs are going to melt into the ground before you could possibly take another step, but you don't dare quit just yet because you told yourself you were going to run for a WHOLE mile (snicker, snicker) without stopping to walk, and you only have a few feet left and if you just pick your feet up a... few... more... times....

Yeah, that's what this 2ww (cry, sob, scream!) has been like so far. I still have what seems like forever until the dreaded beta. I might be going a little crazy, but I've managed to stay away from the pee sticks. I will make it, damnit!

Until then...

And Now We Wait. (Updated)

2010-11-29T22:14:00.013-07:00

I love our embryologist! A lot. He remembered that last time I asked him to take pictures of the eggs before they were fertilized. This time, he took it even farther and took a series of pictures for us to have that documented the later half of our cycle.

Allow me to share:

This is what eggs look like fresh from the ovary. They are encased in cumulus cells. Cool, huh?

Then we have the counted, mature eggs. One polar body and one pro nuclei.

He even took a picture of them after they were fertilized. Two polar bodies, two pro nuclei.

A sample of what they looked like on day-3 (Sorry, I'm not sure what these particular embryos were graded)

And then finally, our 2 beautiful blasts that we transferred today. L-"Squirt", graded 5AB, and R- "Sprout" graded 4BA (as pictured)

As you can see, Squirt had already begun hatching when this photo was taken. When Dr. R brought in these photos and was telling us the condition of all our other embryos as well, he gave us a 72% chance of success using these little guys.

Just before transfer, he put them on a large screen so that we could see them before they were loaded. We were all pleasantly surprised to see that "Sprout" had begun to hatch as well, earning himself an upgrade to a 5BA!

Everything went perfectly. As we left the clinic we got so many "congratulations" that you'd think the results were in already, and this was a for sure thing! It was so surreal! It was a complete 180* from our last cycle. I have to admit; it was SO much better leaving with a smile on my face rather than stifling sobs.

Later, my nurse called to tell me that my progesterone is a bit high. (I can't believe I just typed that... too HIGH! Who'd have thunk?) They like it to be between 30-135 at this point, and mine is sitting at 232. I don't think it's EVER been that high! For now we aren't changing my dose, but she gave me a list of things to watch for. We'll see if I can handle the super-sensitivity. (I'm so glad I'm not crazy! Smells have been making me gag for a couple of days. Now I have a legitimate reason!)

The freezing situation is still up in the air. We decided to do an extended culture to see how many we can get. As of this morning, we still had 12 embryos of varying quality, with at least one worth freezing. Dr. R thinks we will get a few more by tomorrow (probably around 4.)

So, there's my update. Things are blissful right now. I really hope it lasts!

**ETA: Embryology just called. We have 5, maybe 6, to freeze! The embryologist is going to wait until this afternoon to see if the the 6th develops a little further. There are 3-5BB's, 2-4BB's, and 1-3BC. I am soooo okay with that! =)

Day 3 Report Card

2010-11-27T12:28:00.002-07:00

My Nurse called at 9:30 this morning to tell me about my "fabulous embryos."

Last time, at transfer, my RE told us that we should really ignore the grades because "we don't often get excellent embryos, so the grades can by misleading."

Well, take THIS Dr. H!!!

Currently we have:

4 Excellent (!!!!)
6 Good
2 Fair, and
1 Poor

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! (Yes, Dory is swimming in my head right now...)

We are still set for a day 5 transfer on Monday. Let's hope my luck holds out!

Happy Thanksgiving, Indeed!

2010-11-25T13:12:00.002-07:00

13. That is how many embryos we have waiting for us.

THIRTEEN!!!!

We are scheduled for a 5-day transfer on Monday.

I can't believe this is happening.

This is the best Thanksgiving EVER!!!

Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. Please keep them coming.

And to you and yours... Happy Thanksgiving! I am so very thankful for all of you.

Stunner

2010-11-24T17:01:00.002-07:00

It seems I'm having a bit of a lucky streak. That big 'old blizzard? It never showed. We got snow, don't get me wrong... but this is Utah. We always get snow. It was so over-hyped. The roads were kind of crappy on the way to the clinic, but were just wet by the time we left.

Retrieval went very well. We got 16 eggs! 16!!! And the kicker? They are ALL MATURE!!! My nurse called and told me because she was so excited. (Normally we get the maturation report along with the fert report the day after retrieval) And, AND! The fluid is gone. GONE!!

Ho-ly crap!!

My RE is predicting a day 5 transfer with some left over to freeze.

I think I'm dreaming. I don't have this kind of luck! But God, if you're listening... THANK YOU! Please let it last!

I'll update again when I get the fertilization report in the morning.

I might just have the best Thanksgiving EVER! =) =)

So Where's the Punchline?

2010-11-23T13:22:00.004-07:00

I am scheduled for retrieval at 10:30 tomorrow morning. We have to be at the clinic by 9:30. Which would be totally fine... except that there is a blizzard heading our way.

No kidding. A BLIZZARD!!! Did I mention that it takes me approx. 50 minutes to get there on a GOOD day?!?

It is expected to hit our city in about an hour and last at least until 11 am. The windchill factor alone is supposedly going to drop the temp to -12. We are being warned that it is likely that the power (and heat) will be out at some time tonight, and that we should get ready for it now.

Of course it had to hit now.

This is soooo not funny.

Here's Where I Freak Out

2010-11-22T22:45:00.002-07:00

The fluid in my uterus is back. If it stays there, transfer will be cancelled.

So, here's the plan.

I have a few follicles that look like they could stand a bit more FSH (we have measured at least 14 of good size already, but want to squeak out a few more big ones), so I will do one last shot of 450 iu tonight with my trigger. Also, my RE gave me one dose of an antagonist to see if that will help with my risk of OHSS, and as a side effect help get rid of that fluid. He has never tried this before, but learned about a study done in Korea that showed very promising results. The antagonist was actually used to help prevent OHSS, but the side effects would also include lowering my E2, which will subsequently get rid of the fluid... at least that's his theory. Of course it's much more complicated than that, but I was kind of in la-la land during the discussion.

I had this same fluid issue last time, but luckily it cleared up on its own. But now, my E2 levels are much higher than last time (they rose by over 1000 overnight!), and we didn't do the FSH with the trigger during my last cycle.

UGH! My head is spinning. I need this to by my last cycle, ya know? I need to be done. I don't know if I can handle having to do an FET later. Not only that, but how in the hell would we come up with $4k more?

I know that it's not a done deal and that my body could get rid of this nuisance fluid before transfer, but right now... I have to let this out. I've been super positive all day, but I have to get the "what if's" out.

Thanks for reading my vent. I needed it.

Oh, and if you could stand to send up a prayer or two on our behalf, I'd be eternally grateful!

Oh, the Possibilities...

2010-11-17T23:18:00.001-07:00

I helped throw a baby shower tonight. Voluntarily. Zero pressure.

And... I had a BLAST!

My cousin, E, is going to have her baby very soon and I honestly couldn't be more excited. She has spent her time (5 1/2 years) in the infertility and RPL trenches, and is about to emerge victorious. It gives me butterflies to think about it, and makes me grin from ear-to-ear.

I loved tonight. E was beautiful, happy, and so much fun to be with. She is seriously the cutest pregnant woman I have ever seen. And you know what? Even though I had to sneak out to give myself my injections, I didn't get sad! It was more me going through the motions, and not really thinking about the shots. I was mostly just anxious to get back to the party! I love spending time with my cousins, especially the ones that were there. I always have a good time when I'm around them, and never leave without shedding a few tears that come from laughter.

I came home with nothing but fond memories and hope tucked in my mind. Not an ounce of bitterness. E, has just taken a little bit of power away from the IF monster on my behalf, and she doesn't even know she did it. I can't even express how grateful I am. Her baby will always have a special place in my heart. This Little One is proof that it's possible to win.

E, is totally going to rock this "mom" thing. I can't wait. This baby can not get here soon enough!

I'm going to take this feeling as a sign. This cycle will be better. I'm not sure how... but it will be better.

Speaking of this cycle... my E2 is already at 526 after 5 days of stims (it was 180 on Monday). I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. At this point last time I was only at 368, and by the end my Dr. was getting pretty worried about OHSS. Apparently it doesn't take a lot to stimulate (or overstimulate) my ovaries... too bad they don't have more to give. I did have 5-8 follies measuring at 11 mm, and a few smaller ones as well. As usual, my left ovary was playing hide and seek, and it was hard to get a clear picture. Hopefully Saturday will be better.

So, to recap - Not all baby showers suck, E's pregnancy has given me a ton of hope, and things are moving right along with my cycle.

Oh, and my cousins are better than your cousins.

I'm just sayin'.

Guesses, Anyone?

2010-11-09T20:40:00.002-07:00

I submitted my favorite post of 2010 for the Creme de la Creme list that Mel complies each year.

Any guesses which one I picked? (I won't tell, but I'm curious which one YOU think is my best.)

What's the Creme de la Creme, you ask? Well, here's the link.

So, what are you going to submit?

365

2010-10-31T02:35:00.005-06:00

Today was perfect.

As I walked around the neighborhood with LJ and my nieces and nephew watching them trick-or-treat, I was so grateful. Beyond grateful. Completely humbled, because 365 days ago, I was laying in a hospital bed unable to be with my beautiful daughter and my family that I love so much.

365 days ago, I almost lost my life. It has taken the entire year to realize that. I. Almost. Lost. My. Life. I downplayed what the doctor told me, and I swept most of my emotions under the rug. I ignored him when he told me how serious my ectopic had been, and how much blood I had lost; how lucky I was that the ER Dr. had ordered the high resolution scan before releasing me. But the fact remains that things could have been SO much different this year, in so many ways.

This year was filled with pumpkin carving, trick-or-treating, family, and even a plethora of glitter and makeup. It was everything I wanted and, even more - everything I needed it to be. Today was bliss.

But today is also the first anniversary of losing - what should have been - our 5th child. Today it has been 365 days since I had to sign my name to the bottom of a form that gave my doctors permission to end our baby's life. I did that. I chose my life over my baby's. And today, for the first time, I realized whole-heartedly that I made the right decision.

I know that sounds crazy. I know that that child would never have survived, I know that I really didn't have a choice... but something about me signing that form will haunt me forever. I wish so much that I would never have been asked to signed it. There is so much guilt.

But ya know what? Today healed a lot of that hurt. And it was hard, and it was wonderful, and it was so many things rolled into one. There were reminders everywhere.

I lived. My baby didn't.

But my daughter, who I am blessed to share everyday on this earth with, has her mother.

And that is what we made today about.

I still have a long way to go, but I guess October really isn't so bad. I will always cringe when I see "October 30" on the calendar, and I will always feel the flood of emotions when I think about what this day means... but I will be here to do it. I will BE HERE!

Yes, today was perfect.

In Which I Admit...

2010-10-29T14:45:00.003-06:00

...that I may have a drinking problem.

I was hooked after my first cycle with FSH... now I can't kick the habit. Nice.

Sinking In

2010-10-29T12:37:00.002-06:00

I start Lupron today.

I start Lupron today.

I start Lupron today.

Somehow, it doesn't seem real that we are doing this again. And although I'm extremely grateful for the chance, it kinda sucks, ya know? I am just getting to a point where I feel good again. I haven't had a headache for a couple of weeks, my energy level is just starting to pick back up again, I've lost 11 pounds, and I've even been sleeping through the night. But...

I start Lupron today.

Tomorrow's gonna suck.

What the???

2010-10-19T23:08:00.002-06:00

My blog is making me crazy!

When I view it, my side bar is below all my posts. Is it the same for you? I have gone into the 'design' tab, but everything looks fine.

How do I fix it??

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2010-10-15T10:21:00.003-06:00

Today is October 15th.

At 7:00 pm, I will light 4 candles in honor of our babies*, and 1 for all of yours. I will remember what should have been. I will pray for a different outcome for this cycle and I will ask for peace for everyone who will forever grieve for their Little Ones.

Please feel free to join me.

*I have never posted about it here, but 5 months after we were married I had my first suspected miscarriage, at somewhere around 10-12 weeks. We didn't even know I was pregnant until it happened. There are many reasons that I don't speak about it here, but mostly it's because this space is reserved for my life during IF. I don't consider my first loss part of that journey.

Must be the weather...

2010-10-08T12:33:00.003-06:00

(Warning: I am about to whine about my current struggle as a Mom. Please don't attack, or leave nasty comments. Hopefully, you'll read and just understand.)

October sucks, and lately I can totally feel myself slipping.

The last few days I've felt totally out of control. LJ has become possessed, and DH has been working late the last 2 weeks leaving me flying solo in the parenting department. Seriously, the way this child screams, I fully expect DCFS to knock on my door at any moment! And what's terrible, is that she does it when no one is near her! It sounds like someone is stringing her by her belly-button! The most recent causes? Running out of time to do her homework (she had 3 hours to do a worksheet. She sat and played - in spite of my coaxing and offering to help - and when it got to be bedtime, I sent her to bed.) The next melt down was a few days later because her pencil wasn't sharp enough. No kidding. When DH got home, he went up to see what the problem was, (she was still screaming at 9:30 at night from her bed) and when he couldn't settle her down, he tried to leave her room. She started yelling, "NO, DADDY! NO! PLEASE, NO! DADDY, NO!" in the most horrible way, that it sounded like she was begging him to stop beating her! It was awful! What's worse is that there is nothing we can do to make her stop. Honestly, this began a few months ago, but it's just getting worse. We have tried everything. I thought she just needed more attention, but that didn't help, and neither did a reward chart. Then we tried taking away privileges - she didn't care. We moved her bedtime up a 1/2 hour. No help. I don't know what else to do. I am certainly not going to hit her! In her opinion I am just a "Big, Fat, Meanie!" Her favorite phrases as of late are, "whatever!", and "who cares?"

Granted, this is not an everyday thing. Most days, she's delightful. But this is happening 2-3 times a week. (My poor neighbors.)

I told you October sucks!

A Little "Off"

2010-10-05T20:57:00.002-06:00

Something felt weird today. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. This is NOT my favorite month, and I have been dreading October for a very long time. I have felt like I'm on the verge of tears all day.

It didn't hit me until after dinner.

Today I should be singing "Happy Birthday", and watching my child tear into his/her very first birthday cake.

Instead, I'm sitting here working the numbers and praying that I can make things work in time for my next... my last... cycle. (kind of forgot about all the meds involved!)

So, you've got my undivided attention, Little One. I'm all yours for the rest of the night.

We miss you Sweet Baby.

Saint Heather

2010-10-01T22:27:00.002-06:00

WE HAVE OUR MIRACLE!!!

Nurse Heather is amazing.

I don't know how she did it, I don't know what she said... but our clinic's office manager (who wouldn't return my calls, and completely ignored every attempt at contact that I made) is going to let us pay our portion in January.

I hope I'm not jumping the gun here, but all indications are that it's a done deal. I even clarified with the billing department today. They have the same impression I do, although none of us have heard it from the horse's mouth, so-to-speak. She's written it all out, and set the terms. Everything short of just saying it outright.

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. H today. He told me that I am "a doctor's worst nightmare" because my cycle was "full of surprises." He would like to up my dose to 300 iu's of Gonal-F, and we will just watch it all very closely. He's still pretty worried that I will overstim, given my high E2 levels. It seemed that they were so closely in check with the FSH dose that we can't push it too much harder without just being stupid about it and putting me at too high a risk. The ICSI should tell us if it's a sperm or egg issue. If we have a higher fert. rate than we know it was most likely a sperm issue but if the rate is about the same, then obviously, it's my eggs. I feel like this is a reasonable way to diagnose it without risking too much, if anything.

Overall, I left with a great feeling about where the cycle is headed. I feel much more confident with Dr. H than I did with the RE I met with last week. I feel like I am ready. I know how much is riding on this, but I feel that I am more prepared. Before, we thought we had a backup plan. This time, we'll be happy with 2 good embies. We'll take what we can get.

Thanks for the prayers. I am so grateful for them. Please keep them coming, but this time for success.

I don't want to sound selfish, God, but I'd really appreciate just one. more. miracle!

We may have ourselves a miracle...

2010-09-27T20:32:00.002-06:00

...courtesy of Nurse Heather. We will know by the end of the week.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE pray for us!

The Things I Couldn't Say

2010-09-26T21:40:00.003-06:00

Beta was negative.

There is nothing left to heal me. This time, defeat brought so much more than usual. It brought the end.

We are being forced to be done. We are out of miracles. We just found out that our infertility coverage ends January 1st; 2 weeks exactly before DH gets his bonus that would allow us a second chance. Our clinic won't wait. Our portion is due by November 13th. We don't have it now, and won't by then. Our credit cards are maxed, we have already borrowed against our retirement. We don't qualify for bank loans, and our family can't help us. There is nothing else. I never thought a mere $3,000 would cement our fate. (and how pathetic are we, that it does?)

I met with another RE, Dr. W, this week. We were offered a free consultation, and even though it is over 1 1/2 drive one-way, I figured I'd give it a try. After the consult, I left even more defeated.

He is convinced I have bad eggs. He says we need PGD, and even then doesn't think we have a great chance. Most of this is centered on my AMH (antimullerian hormone) level. Mine came back at 1.1, which my clinic said was fine - anything over 0.7 is "normal" in their opinion. Dr. W disagreed completely. He told me that if we cycled with him, he would double my FSH to 450 iu, and add menopur instead of the low dose hcg. He seemed very willing to risk a cycle just to find the "why's". It was as if the puzzle was more appealing than actually ending with a healthy pregnancy. When I expressed concern with my embryos not making it for the extended culture he wants to do, his reply was "then they wouldn't have made it in your uterus, either."

I left in a haze. If I cycle with them, they will allow me to pay my financial portion in January. But honestly, my gut told me to run! They don't have any statistics listed with SART, and their sister clinics had much lower rates than my current clinic. When I asked Dr. W about the clinic's current success rates, he arrogantly said, "oh, 55, 65%. Very respectable. Very high!" I didn't believe a word. The secretary had told me that their rates were comparable with their other clinics (roughly 40%) but the Dr. made an excuse that the reason the other clinic's rates were low was because they couldn't include data from clinical trials they had done (the trial patients rates, he claimed, were over 70%). But that just raised more questions for me. What about all the prior years reported? The rates were all about the same, some much lower.

It felt like a trap. One that I can't bring myself to step into, no matter how desperate I am. I can't risk my dreams, and my health.

I don't know what else to do. I can't fathom trying to cope with the fact that the last 7 1/2 years were for nothing. That having LJ was a fluke, and that we will never have the family we have so desperately tried for.

I don't know how I will ever accept that it is all actually over. When I hoped for things to "end", this is not exactly what I had in mind.

Nothing much to say...

2010-09-24T18:24:00.002-06:00

Sorry to keep you all in the dark. I really appreciate the emails and texts checking in on me, though! I totally love you guys!

The only problem is that I don't think I can find the words to tell you how this week has been. My beta is tentatively scheduled for Monday, but I think I'd die on the spot if it was a decent number, if positive at all. (Yes, I POAS. BFN at 12dp2dt)

There is so much more to tell, but I just don't have it in me to "say it out loud" so to speak. I think I just need to "be" for a while.

Hopefully, it won't take too long. Thanks for understanding.

You almost made me crazy, Anniversary. ALMOST!

2010-09-19T22:47:00.006-06:00

I almost POAS today.

Not because I have a "feeling", or because I am just so damn eager to know (because strangely - I'm not), but because 9 years ago today, I POAS. And that was a pretty good day.

The night before I had had this crazy dream. (I know, I know... me and my dreams) and I was telling my friend about it on our way to the store to pick up some lunch. When I had finished explaining what had happened in my dream, she stopped in the middle of the aisle and asked, "Well, are you late?" Of course I was late! During that period of time I was always late. I honestly hadn't thought anything of it. When I told her that, she insisted that she wasn't going to let me leave the store until I bought a pregnancy test. So, I did.

The whole way back we were quiet. I felt dumb buying a test, and she felt confident that my dream "meant' something. When we made it back to school, (we were in cosmetology school together) I excused myself to the restroom to take the test. Because this was before I was an absolute basketcase (thank you, IF) I nonchalantly took the test and set it on the back of the toilet while I washed my hands. I glanced back at the stick while the water was still running, and totally did a double-take. It was positive.

I left the restroom in a daze. I was shaking so hard I almost didn't dare walk. My friend already had a client in her chair, but as soon as she saw my face she went white, and mouthed the words, "no way." I didn't know what to do. So, I ran into an empty classroom and cried tears that came out of nowhere. I wasn't sad or anrgy. I was in complete shock. When another friend came in to see if I was okay, she saw the test on the counter next to me, and offered to take me to the Dr. to confirm. I quickly dialed my family physician on my cellphone and asked if I could come up. The nurse told me that it wouldn't be a problem, so we told the instructor's we had an emergency and left.

I walked into the office, was spotted by the nurse I had spoken to and quickly ushered into a room. She gave me a cup and some instructions and pointed me to the bathroom. After she had done the test, she came back in and said, "It's positive, would you like to know your due date?"

About 7 1/2 months later, this little beauty entered our lives.

I almost POAS today.

P.S. I still have the pee stick from that day. I am never going to throw it away. And so far, it hasn't given me a reason to. It still looks the way it did the day I tested. The test strip never turned yellow, and the lines are bright and crisp. Man, they sure don't make 'em like the used to!

Calling All Experienced IVFers

2010-09-17T02:08:00.003-06:00

(Can I just tell you how awkward that feels to call you all something that ends with "effers"?!?)

How long after transfer did your doctor have you do a beta? Is it just me, or is 17dpt a little long?

Honestly, I'm not really sure I want to know, but still... 17 days?? I thought 12-14 was the norm. Am I wrong?

ETA: Actually, I meant 17 days post retrieval. I thought it right, but typed it wrong. Apparently, it's not just a speech thing. LOL

The Flip Side

2010-09-13T21:55:00.007-06:00

Last week was awful. I pretty much just let you all believe that it was all IF related, but there was a lot more happening, too. Here's the rundown:

Sunday: Have Dr. H threaten to cancel my cycle because of my illness.

Monday: Learn that DH's 31 year old cousin died in his sleep. We have no idea how.

Tuesday: Super painful monitoring appointment, followed by a late-night trigger.

Wednesday: I am told that LJ's hero, her kindergarten teacher Ms. M, has passed away. LJ is beyond devastated. (So am I.)

Thursday: Retrieval. Only 6 eggs.

Friday: Fert report. Dr. recommends 2-day transfer. I have a melt down. (We will have to miss Ms. M's funeral, which is heartbreaking to me.)

Saturday: Transfer. (Let's not talk any more about it, k?) That night, after visiting my friend and relaxing, I left for home at about 1:20 AM. But wait, where's my car? What's that, Mr. PoliceDispatcherMan? You say m car's been towed? Oh. Nice. The "perfect" ending to my "perfect" week. (It cost me$225 to get my car back. I am going to go after my friend's HOA to reimburse me. If they are going to implement a rule that you can't park on the streets after 1 AM, you should probably let the residents know, right?)

Sunday: Sit in bed and feel sorry for myself all day long.

AND NOW FOR THE FLIP SIDE:

The embryologist called me today. I love him.

Dr. R told me that I shouldn't pay any attention at all to the "grading" when it comes to my little MB. He said the only reason he didn't grade it "good" was because of some fragmenting. He told me that "many, many, many" times, embryos that are graded "fair", or even "poor" on day 2, become healthy Strong blastocysts by day 5, ("it happens ALL. THE. TIME!") and since we can't know what my embie will do, we might as well assume it will do great. :D :D :D :D When I said, "but fragmented embryos have a lower implantation rate, right?" he replied in a high pitched tone (and I imagined a scrunched up face...) "eeeeeeehhhhhhhhh." as if he wasn't all that convinced, and then redirected the topic. LOL! It made me laugh. He reminded me that women "my age" and with my FSH and AMH levels, have really great success rates with single embryo transfers. (I found one study done in the Netherlands that quoted rates in my age group as 72% vs. 76% for double embryo transfers. Granted, they all transferred blasts, but I am willing to overlook that little fact right now.) He was careful to tell me that it could go either way, as all cycles can, but he gave me a little ray of hope. He seemed very optimistic. He told me that embryo grading is very subjective, and not to worry about it.

Seriously, love him.

That whole conversation lightened my mood considerably. He didn't just sound like he was rooting for us, but he supported his statements with facts. He spent a good 30 minutes discussing it with me. I feel so much better! Especially considering that for most of my cycle I was leaning toward a single embryo transfer anyway! It wasn't until the end when a nurse gave us a few more stats that I started to think transferring 2 was a possibility.

So, there you have it. Monday brought me a not-so-small miracle. I have a bit of hope. That's right. I said it. HOPE. I am still suuuuper nervous, and not at all delusional about this being a for sure thing, but at least now I actually believe it's 50/50.

Thank you, Dr. R. You can soooo come to my birthday!

Over Before it Began...

2010-09-11T17:57:00.005-06:00

Well, at least that's how I feel.

When we arrived at the clinic this morning for transfer, we were promptly ushered into a conference room where we waited anxiously for Dr. H to come in and give us an updated report on how our embies were doing.

He started by telling us that all 6 of the eggs retrieved were mature, which he said almost never happens, and that that was a good thing. Then his expression changed. He told us that as of right now, we still had 2 embies. 1-3 celled, graded fair, and 1-1 cell, graded poor. I started crying.

He said that they had seen poor embryos make it, and women have successful pregnancies, but ovbiously the odds weren't good. He said the fair embryo is where all our hope lies. I cried some more. He said the embryologist was strongly recommending that we do assisted hatching because the zona was pretty thick. He said that it could be what really helps the little guy take off. We agreed.

When we went back for transfer, they got me in the stirrups and all ready to go. The embryologist came in and told us that they had a new fancy-shmancy camera hooked up to the microscope, and he was actually going to let us watch him do the assisted hatching. They put it on a giant flat screen TV in the room, and we watched as he used a laser to etch a tiny tunnel through the zona to help the embryo hatch. (It was pretty cool, and we actually got video, but I can't figure out how to get it from my cellphone onto blogger.)

Dr. H inserted the cathedar, and told the embryologist (Dr. R) that we were ready. He cheerfully replied, "loading 1 embryo". Wait. What? I quickly said, "no, 2, right?" He looked at me all confused, and Dr. H clarified. "1-3 celled, and 1 poor." Dr. R called back, "oh, the requisition just says one. Why are we doing both? The poor embryo never cleved. It's arrested." I started sobbing. Obviously, both Dr. H, and Dr. R didn't quite know what to say, so Dr. R finally offered to load it as well. "We can tranfer them both, Meim, if you want us to." "What's the point?" I asked. "It would be like tranfering the ones that didn't fertilize!" "That correct" he said. "I'm sorry for the confusion" said Dr. H. "I misunderstood Dr. R and I's prior conversation."

[MB before the assisted hatching]

So, in went one embryo. 3-celled, with a "fair" grading. When it was over, and I had managed to stop crying, Dr. H asked if we had any questions. I asked him if single embryo transfers were ever as successful with "fair" embryos, and he answered that they didn't usually do single embryo transfers unless the embryo was graded "good" or better.

Yeah, I'm screwed. I feel like this was all for nothing. I am angry because instead of getting answers, all we have are more questions. Was it the sperm or the egg? They don't know. Is it possible for us to have better success with ICSI? They don't know. They can't tell if the sperm actually made it into the eggs, but didn't fetilize, or if they didn't get though at all. They can't tell us anything!

And to make things even better, Dr. H told me to be watching for signs of OHSS. With my estrogen levels being as high as they were and only getting 6 eggs, he said that it is still a very real possibility. Nice, huh?

Also, in addition to the PIO which we all know I just LOVE, I am also on heparin twice a day to give this little embie that we've named, M.B. (maybe baby) a better chance of implanting, as well as to help prevent another ectopic.

I feel pretty close to hopeless. I wish we never even did this.

Not really sure what to say, here.

2010-09-10T14:13:00.003-06:00

Dr. H just called with the fertilization report. We knew something was up beforehand, because I had checked our patient portal online, and saw that there was an appointment set up for us tomorrow.

He said that only 2 of the 6 fertilized, and that rescue ICSI wouldn't be worth it at this point. Because there really is no point in waiting any longer (why stress the little embies longer if we aren't waiting to "choose" the strongest ones?) we are going to transfer both tomorrow. Yeah. A day 2 transfer. Yikes.

The embryologist has assured us that both embies look really good so far, and that our chances are just as good with the 2 day transfer as we would have on day 5. Dr. H said that he doesn't have any real statistical data on day 2 transfers, but that he would estimate at least (he made sure to emphasise that) a 40-50% chance.

So, excuse me while I freak out a bit, and try to wrap my head around not having anything to freeze (so long, back up plan!). Tomorrow is going to be rough.

Just What I Needed to Hear

2010-09-09T19:48:00.002-06:00

My Munchkin is awesome. Seriously.

After I got home and immediately updated this blog - I crashed. When I woke up, DH was on his way to class, and LJ was assuring him that she would take really good care of me. (They are both treating me as if I'm made of glass.) I've been sore, but I'm trying really hard not to take any pain pills, as not to mess with the chemistry in my body right now. I have been doing pretty good, so I told him earlier that I wouldn't need anyone to stay with me while he was gone, but LJ insisted. "If you need anything, Mom, just tell me. I will bring you anything you need." (Did I mention how awesome she is?)

Anyway, a few minutes after he left as I was laying in my bed watching T.V., LJ came in and started talking to me about her day. She told me about the really cool cup-stacking trick they learned in school and even recited the arrays of 24. She had a lot to say.

After we finished talking, I told her to please go into her room and put away her clean laundry. She agreed, and headed out the door. Then she stopped. She turned around and this is what she said:

"Mom, I'll love you no matter what." She stood for a minute, and then explained.

"Even if this doesn't work. Even if you adopt, and even if you don't. Even if I never get a baby brother or sister, I'll still love you."

I was crying before she finished her sentence. I hadn't realized how much I needed to hear that. All I could do is hug her. Probably for way too long, but she didn't seem to mind.

She is truly amazing. I realllly hope this works. Everyone deserves to have a big sister like LJ.

And honestly, everyone deserves to have an LJ.

Update

2010-09-09T15:09:00.002-06:00

Retrieval went well. We got 6 eggs - which I was pretty bummed about - until my RE came in and told me how happy he was with the results. He said that with my estrogen being as high as it was on Tuesday, (2993) that only retrieving 6 eggs points to better quality.

As expected, my ovaries were assholes. The nurse kept telling me that he really had to "dig around in there". Of course I am feeling it now. I usually have a pretty high pain threshold, but I needed 2 shots of demerol before I left.

So, that's how it went. Fertilization report tomorrow, and then updates every other day after that until transfer.

I'm glad the worst is behind us.

Oh, Boy...

2010-09-07T20:58:00.002-06:00

This is really going to happen.

I trigger tonight at 11:30, and retrieval is scheduled for 10:30 Thursday morning.

I am super nervous because BOTH of my ovaries were little bastards today. It took a considerable amount of *ahem*, coaxing, shall we say? to get even a glimpse of them. He could only count about 7 follies today, but then again... it was a pretty crappy view. My E2 was 2993 so we're figuring about 10 mature eggs, but we shall see.

I am so scared that my considerably pissed-off little oophors are going to throw a tantrum and protest the entire procedure on Thursday. I'm considering sleeping duct-taped to the bedroom wall on Wednesday night to ensure that gravity has a chance to pull the little suckers down. UGH!

So...here we go.

just a side note...

2010-09-05T20:14:00.003-06:00

First and foremost: if you haven't already, please stop by One Day's blog and give her some love. This is not a one-time thing. She is going to need our continued support.

For those of you who had already offered her some encouraging words, THANK YOU! I saw your comments, and it made me cry. Thank you for the incredibly heart-warming act of human decentsy. I really love you for it! (But then again, I already knew you were amazing!)

Now for the side note.

My appointment went well today. My lining is back under control, at a manageable 14mm (RE thinks the fluid in my uterus was skewing the measurement last time). We were able to find my left ovary, and overall I have about 7 large follicles. My E2 is up to 1900. I will probably stim for 2 more days, and my RE is going to monitor me very closely. I will probably stop the frequent updates and just let you know of any real developments.

My biggest fear right now is having to cancel due to illness. I have had a cold for a few days, but today spiked a fever of 101*. My RE said if it gets to 102, we will have to cancel. Let's hope Ty.lenol is really all it's cracked up to be.

Oh, and Mummy,

HELL-FREAKIN'-YEAH!!!

Thoughts for a Friend

2010-09-04T12:41:00.002-06:00

Please, please go stop by One Day's blog. She is suffering through an unimaginable horror and could use ALL OF YOUR kind words and well wishes. I honestly can't imagine what she is going through.

Please go, now.

Thanks!

One Day's blog.

Houston, we (might) have a problem.

2010-09-03T13:46:00.008-06:00

I had another appointment today. Here are the stats:

Right Ovary: 11.17mm, 11.4mm, 12.14mm, 7.03mm, 11.84mm, 15.32mm, 8.03mm

Left Ovary:... hello? Are you there, Left Ovary? (poke) hello? (jam wand at impossible angle) I know you're in there somewhere! (jam harder while smooshing Meim's tummy) Well, this is strange. (ask Meim to roll onto her left side with wand still in place) Hmmmm. (10 minutes and an unmentionable amount of torture later) Nope, can't find it.

YES, THIS REALLY DID HAPPEN, AND NO, WE NEVER DID FIND THE DAMN THING! But, Oh, did I feel it!!! (I can still feel exactly where it is, in all it's enraged glory, but we never could find it on u/s)

Also, Dr. H was a bit concerned that my lining is already at 15mm, with a pocket of fluid in the center. Apparently, embryos don't implant as well once the lining reaches 22-23mm, and they don't like to swim in fluid either. He said that there have been people in that situation that have actually had to do the retrieval and then freeze the embryos in order to have a period and then begin again in "more control circumstances."

See, the problem is that my uterus is "hypersensitive" to the hormones in my body. Namely, estrogen. You know, like the estrogen created as these follicles grow. The estrogen that is going to continue to increase over the next 4 days, as those little follicles grow big and strong... also making my lining thicken. Can you see why this is an issue? I can't stop the meds or my follicles won't be big enough to have mature eggs, but if I stay on them, my lining may be too thick for the embryos to implant.

CRAAAAAPPPPP!!!!!

So, in addition to feeling like I got punched repeatedly in the stomach, and my lady parts all assaulted and junk... I am in FULL PANIC mode that my cycle will be canceled if my lining doesn't chill out, and my uterus doesn't dump that fluid. It really could go either way from here.

EFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

I am to stay on my same dose and go back in on Sunday for another scan/blood draw.

Please pray for me.

ETA: today's E2 is 937 (is that good?)

Also ETA: I found a study that made me feel a bit better. You can read it here

Cycle Update

2010-09-01T17:14:00.002-06:00

E2: 368
Left ovary: 3-4 follicles at about 10mm
Right ovary: 5-7 follicles at about 10 mm

I am staying on the same dose, and going back in on Friday for a repeat. I hope I get a pleasant surprise and there are a few more follies that pop up.

At least they all seem to progressing together. *sigh (oh, and my right ovary is a bitch.)

...still going,

2010-08-31T18:43:00.002-06:00

Yesterday's E2 was 122, after 3 days of stims. My RE told me (through his nurse, of course) that I should stay on my current doses, and that everything looks perfect so far. She kind of shuddered when I asked what my level was "supposed" to be, but said that generally speaking, they like it to be between 100-150. I wonder if she's making it up for my benefit. They said they "like to see" between 8-16 antral follicles, too, (safely tucking my 12 right in the middle of that figure) I'm sure just to make me feel better.

Today I am feeling it, whatever "it" is. My assumption is that my right ovary is sucking up all this FSH and hoarding it without even a slight consideration for the left's feelings. Apparently, my right ovary is a bitch. Go fig.

Tomorrow I have more blood work and an ultrasound. I'll let you know how it goes.

And So it Begins

2010-08-27T15:17:00.002-06:00

(Actually, I guess I'm about 1/2 way through, but still.)

I had my suppression check this morning. My E2 is 64, and the NP counted 12 antral follicles in my resting ovaries. (She never counts as many as my RE, even on the same day! Too bad he was with another patient or I'd have had him check, too!)

I will be lowering my Lupron dose tonight, as well as beginning the FSH and low dose HCG.

Here we go!

Dreamer

2010-08-25T09:30:00.003-06:00

I have this problem. See, I have really, really vivid dreams. The kind that actually has my subconscious arguing with my consciousness. "You're asleep." "No, you're awake." etc. etc. (This became a problem once when I was around 14 or so. I dreamed I was on the toilet. Can you see where this is going? Brings a whole new meaning to the term "wet dream." ooooh, sorry. That was naughty. LOL)

I am one of those people that can actually hold a grudge because of something you "did" in my dream. Just ask the hubs. One time I woke up and hit him because he had taken a plural wife in my dream. I was pissed the rest of the day.

Normally I have dreams that once the original shock wears off, I laugh about. I know that it isn't reality, and I let my husband tease me relentlessly. (I still get crap about dating that penguin)

But last night's dream was different. I went to bed really early and slept for nearly 11 hours. Unfortunately, my dream lasted the entire night. In it, we were at the hospital for the birth of another niece/nephew. While my SIL was in labor, I started to have flashbacks. I remembered being in the same hospital giving birth to triplets. 2 girls, and 1 boy. The only problem was that I only had LJ, and one more daughter. I was missing 2 children! As I began to remember, I started asking questions to the staff at the hospital. They all looked at me with a horrible sadness in their eyes and told me that I needed to talk to the head nurse. When I finally found her, she told me that she remembered me and asked me to sit down. She handed me a scrapbook and asked me to search the pages for my picture. When I found it, near the middle of the book, the picture made my heart sink. I was laying on the floor of my home with 2 babies in my arms. My little girl was laying slightly across my chest and my son was resting peacefully in the crook of my left arm. I was looking directly at the camera with such a sad, yet peaceful expression. I read it instantly. My babies were sick, but in the moment the picture was taken, they were alive, and I was just so grateful to have that time with them. When I finally looked up from the photo album, tears streaming down my face, the nurse gently asked me, "Would you like to see them?"

Then my dream cut back to my SIL, still in labor. I was outside on a bench, sitting on the deck that was connected to her room through a sliding glass door. I sat there weeping, holding my 2 dead children. Of course, because it was a dream, they were perfect. Beautiful in every way. They didn't look like anything was wrong. My husband stood there with me, softly trying to console me, but crying at the same time. The longer I sat there, the more I realized that the rest of our family was staring at us. They were angry. At one point, someone came out and asked us, "You really think this is an appropriate time to be doing this? while SIL is having her baby?" I didn't know what to say, so I just stood up with our babies and walked away. I wandered through the hospital, never daring to speak to anyone.

That was the rest of my dream. Walking aimlessly, desperately clutching my children into my chest, not knowing how or when they had died. I spoke to them, but I couldn't hear what I was saying. They felt like little dolls. I had them wrapped in a single blanket, their tummies up against my chest.

When I woke up, I felt like I couldn't breath. I must have been crying in my sleep, because my pillow was wet, and my eyes are puffy and red. All morning, I haven't been able to shake this immense feeling of loss. DH was kind enough to get up with LJ and feed her breakfast and get her ready for school. Even though I know it was just a dream, I can't help but miss my children. Although they weren't even alive in my dream, I am craving the feeling of holding them in my arms. I want to see their faces again, but I can't remember what they looked like.

I HATE dreams like this. Even when they aren't sad, I hate them. I hate saying "goodbye", simply because I have to wake up.

It just might be time to go back to therapy. My counselor would have a hay day with this one.

365

2010-08-22T22:38:00.002-06:00

So I have a tiny secret. Nothing major, really.

Today is my birthday. My 29th birthday. No big deal, right?

Well, according to my "plan", I was going to be done having kids by the time I turned 30. I got married when I was 18, and planned to have 4 kids in 12 years. Totally doable, right? (*sigh)

So, now I have exactly 365 days to pop out 3 more kids.

Should make the decision of how many embryos to transfer easy, huh? (insert eye-roll here.)

Why is it so hard to let go of "what could have/should have been"?

Excuse me while I go gorge myself with cake.

Hypersensitive

2010-08-20T01:20:00.002-06:00

I think I'm in panic mode, but not fully aware of it. (I know how absurd that sounds. Trust me.)

Although for the most part I feel pretty good and functional; I think that I'm absorbing every little bit of sadness and negativity around me. Even though I don't feel particularly negative or worried, I have noticed my body reacting as if I am.

For instance, I have read a few really sad blog posts recently. Failed cycles, miscarriages, etc. I have found that I am completely incapable of expressing my reaction to these posts in words. It makes me feel like a terrible friend. With everything moving so quickly in my own cycle, it is hard for me to process what is happening to others in theirs. When I read these posts, they sort of haunt me. With the way the last year has gone, I am all too accustomed to grief and failure. I find myself reading about a loss, failed cycle, or an ectopic, and it takes me right back to the midst of my own losses, failures, and ectopic. I have absolutely no ability to separate myself from what is happening to them, and what happened to me. It makes me feel like there is no way this cycle will end well. After all, just look at my track history.

I feel so so terrible for the women that are currently dealing with these issues. Honestly, I can't get them out of my mind. Like, when I disagree with the treatment (or lack of) that their doctors are recommending, I get so upset I can't sleep. I kind of feel like I have to fix it, or anything bad that happens to them will be my fault because I "knew better." Of course, there is NO WAY I can fix it, and I know that, but like I said... I can't separate myself. There is one woman in particular, that the very thought of her makes me cry.

Between school starting (for DH, LJ, and myself), IVF and the financial strain it has caused, and issues with my friends both IRL and online, I have found that many days the stress is so much that I can't eat without an extraordinary amount of stomach pain. I am to the point of downing Maalox like it's water.

I know this all sounds terribly dramatic, and I apologize. I wish I were making it up. So, please, please forgive me if my comments come across as robotic, or as if I don't care. The truth is - I care too much, to the point that I just might have to cut back. You girls aren't just "fellow bloggers" to me, you have become my friends and sisters. I want success for you as much as for myself. Please know that even if I am not commenting, I AM thinking of you. Everyday.

Hopefully, it's just the hormones that are making me so crazy. If not, I can totally see myself being committed. I'm a total spaz. What else can I say?

Have any of you experienced this? or am I actually schizo?

Sing it, Sara!

2010-08-11T00:56:00.005-06:00

*EDIT: The video was too big for my blog, so you can watch it here instead.

LOVE it!!

Excuse me while I push play... again.

Okay, I'm back.

This song is going on my IF playlist. There are a handful of people that I want to send this to, with the hopes that they'd get the point that I don't appreciate the comments like:

"Why do you keep putting yourself through this?"
"Maybe you just need to accept that it's not going to happen and move on with your life."
"You need to just prepare yourself to adopt."
(this one was said to me the day I got out of the hospital after my ectopic. Great timing, huh?)

or my personal fav,

"At least you got LJ. That's more than a lot of people get."

This one pisses me off the most, and of course it's the one I hear the most! Not only does it imply that I am ungrateful for my daughter, but it doesn't actually take her thoughts and feelings into account. Try listening to her plead with God night after night to "pleeeeaase send [her] a little brother or sister" or have to listen to her heart break (again) as she tells you about her latest friend to become a big sister. Wanting another child isn't just about me and my husband. We ALL feel that our family is not complete.

Ugh, sorry. If you haven't guessed this is just me venting. It's been one of those days. I'm sick of all the advice and instructions from people who couldn't possibly understand what this has been like for the last 7 years. The bad thing is this is all coming from people close to us (mainly immediate family). Is it any wonder that we've kept IVF a secret from almost everyone?

If you know me in real life and are reading this, consider yourself lucky... and warned. Don't say stupid stuff like this to me. I've had it with being polite. (Granted, I've only given this blog link to 4 people, and they all know better, but still. A reminder never hurts.)

Healing

2010-07-28T11:45:00.007-06:00

Two weeks ago I told you about our beloved pets, Molly and Roxy.

If it had been up to me, they would have been the last bunnies we ever had. I was not ready to move on. I couldn't even think about cuddling another furball and it not being one of them. It was just too painful. But - it's not just up to me. After we buried our sweet girls in my Dad's backyard, LJ started asking for new bunnies and she wanted them. right. now. So for her sake, I started looking at ads. It didn't take us long before we found 2 sister rabbits that were almost too adorable for words. We spent about an hour with them before we decided to head to the bank so we could come back and buy them. (I had purposely not brought any cash as to avoid an "impulse purchase." So much for that!) We picked out names, discussed how precious they both were, and how lucky we were to actually have found them so close to our house at just the right age. One was pretty mellow, and the other full of spunk. We just knew that they would be perfect for us.

On the way to the ATM, I got a text message from a girl, K, I had left a message for earlier that day about the bunnies she had for sale. I had asked her to send pictures because there were none listed with her ad. She explained that they were purebred Rex rabbits, and that they were 9 weeks old. Then she sent me this picture:

I immediately texted her back and made an appointment to come see them. I called the other seller back and told them that we were going to go look at some other bunnies just to be sure, and that we would let them know what we decided. Thankfully, I knew the woman from PTA and she was really cool about it and wasn't irritated at all.

When we got to K's house she had the bunnies waiting for us. Her little sister had them wrapped in a blanket and snuggled into a basket. They were beautiful. It immediately hit me of how little justice was done to them by the picture she had sent. We sat down on the floor and let the bunnies roam around. They didn't go far.

All 3 of them hopped up onto DH's lap and settled right in. When I took one from him, she snuggled into the crook of my neck and fell asleep, all-the-while chattering her back teeth in contentment. (it's called tooth purring, no kidding.) I was done. I had to have this one. I couldn't believe how mellow they all were! They were definitely snuggle bunnies - exactly what we were looking for. We knew we wanted 2, but DH and LJ couldn't decide on a second bunny. Pretty soon, they were asking if we could take all 3! Um, no. So after about an 1 1/2 hours, they finally chose and we brought them home.

Allow me to introduce our newest family members:

Allie - our Squirrely girl:and Sadie - Often referred to as "Sadie Sweetness":

I can't even begin to tell you how much it has helped me to heal to have them around. They are exactly what I needed. Both of them love to cuddle, and will let me hold them whenever I'd like, for as long as I need.

Sadie loves to be held like a baby, and usually falls asleep in this position:
When she is super relaxed, she lets her ears droop. She ends up looking like a little helicopter. It is so cute.

The first thing we did when we got them home (after a clean bill of health from the vet) is bathe them. This is usually not a fun task, because rabbits hate water just as much as cats. Imagine my surprise when they both let me bathe them, and then blow dry them without protesting at all! We have since bathed them 2 more times with the same result.

Did I mention how much I love them?

So, these are our new babies. We adore them. They are helping us to heal, and we are so very grateful for that. The day after we brought them home, LJ decided that she needed to go tell Molly and Roxy about their new sisters. She made sure to take them a few leaves of Romaine, and spent a good 15 minutes over their grave talking to them. It was a very touching sight. When we got home, she told Allie and Sadie that Molly and Roxy were happy they were here and that they told them to take good care of us. They both gave her kisses, and then begged to be held.

I think this is going to work out splendidly.

A Great Big Sigh of Relief

2010-07-27T17:50:00.002-06:00

I just spoke to the IVF coordinator for my clinic. As it turns out, I won't actually be using all of these needles for injections. A lot of them are just to draw up the medication. Instead of 3 shots a day, I get to mix the meds together in a mixing vial, and then just do 1 shot.

I am SO much happier today! I might be able to do this after all! =D

Whoa!

2010-07-22T14:09:00.002-06:00

My box of meds arrived yesterday and HOLY CRAP there are a lot of needles. 188 to be exact. Granted, 84 of those are for enough progesterone for 12 weeks... but still. That leaves 104 needles that I will be ramming into my own tummy.

Anyone else feel like throwing up? GAAAAHHH!

Dear Penny,

2010-07-21T00:33:00.004-06:00

I miss you. What do I have to do to get you to start blogging again? Cookies? Chocolate? Just say the word.

Obviously, I'm not above public pleas, and I AM willing to beg. Also, this is kind of what you get when I can't follow your comments to a blog, don't have your email address, and know that you check my blog. =)

Did it work?

(Seriously though, love you lots and miss you most!)

Running

2010-07-20T11:49:00.002-06:00

My favorite quote:

"Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you aren't willing to move your feet."

We might not be sprinting yet, but we've definitely picked up the pace. ---------------------->

In Which Meim Falls Apart

2010-07-13T23:39:00.004-06:00

(warning: LONG and DEPRESSING post ahead.)

I am a pet lover. Did I ever mention that? My weakness? Bunnies.

Last year for LJ's birthday we decided to get her a Rex Rabbit. Hubs had a connection at work, and the woman who breeds them, M, made us a deal we couldn't refuse. We ended up with 2 adorable bunnies. Molly and Roxy.

We did a lot of research before we brought them home and decided that it would be best if they were indoor bunnies. We live in a climate that can be quite brutal to these Fluffy Ones, and we decided that we would train them to be like cats; liter box trained, and family oriented.

We succeeded very well. Our sweet girls learned to do tricks by voice command, walk on a leash, and lots of other things that are mind-boggling to most people. (Bunny kisses, endless snuggles, and back massages included)

Last Thursday before we left for our trip, we took our babies down to the woman who we bought them from so that they would be taken care of while we were gone. At first we were going to take them, but simply couldn't fit everything required to do so in our car along with all the other camping necessities. We told her we would be back Tuesday morning.

By Monday morning, I was antsy. My allergies were killing me, and I was ready to come home. We decided to come home a day early, and continue our trip this weekend instead. We got home at about 4 o'clock and DH called M to ask if we could come pick up our bunnies. Her reply was that we couldn't. I wasn't sure what was being said, but M has had some marital issues and by the tone of DH's voice, I could tell something was wrong. He excused himself from the house and finished the call outside. I figured that she had a fight with her husband and that it wasn't going to work for her for us to pick them up that night. Oh, how I was wrong.

A few minutes later he opened the back door and asked me to come outside alone. Once outside, I noticed that he was shaking. He explained that we could not go pick them up. When I asked why, his face said it all. They were gone.

M told DH that she wasn't sure what had happened, and that they had been checking on them every 3 hours. They fed them at 9 that morning, and when they checked at noon, they were both dead. Dead -- I can't believe I just typed that.

This is about the time that I about collapsed in my backyard sobbing like an idiot. When I gained my composure, I had the lovely task of telling LJ. That is when my heart actually broke. She cried so hard she couldn't breathe. Her knees buckled and her whole body shook. It was the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever witnessed. I couldn't help but sob with her.

We dropped LJ off at my Dad's house and went to pick up our bunnies. When we got there, I lost my mind again, and stood weeping on M's front lawn. DH and M's husband went into the backyard to get our girls, and I -between sobs- asked M what happened. She told me (in a very irritated and defensive tone) that she didn't know, and proceeded to tell me how they had been so diligent and had checked their food and water, the cage, and all around the area they were in, and couldn't find a thing wrong. She told me how they took them inside during the heat of the day, and made sure that they had frozen water bottles in their cage to make sure they didn't get too hot. She simply "didn't know" what had happened. DH brought them into the front yard, and I again, cried my eyes out. I must have kneeled over them for a good 30 minutes telling them how sorry I was, and repeating how much I loved them both.

We left and took them to a vet who lives in our neighborhood and had him look at them. He took one look and told us that they died from heat stroke. He explained that rabbits usually do pretty good outside, even here in Utah, as long as they are in a shaded place. He told us how he could tell it was heat stroke, and then told us what their symptoms would have been. THEY WERE AWFUL! My poor bunnies suffered before God finally took pity on them and ushered them to Heaven. AND IT ALL COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED! He gently told us that there is no way that M wouldn't have been able to tell something was wrong if they had actually been watching them as closely as she claimed.

Today I am crushed. I could tell that something wasn't right in her story just by the way she told it. I know it couldn't have been that our bunnies weren't used to being outside because we let them play outside every. single. day. in our shaded backyard without ever having an issue. Our bunnies died from neglect. OUR bunnies. The ones that have toys scattered around my house, had just had their check-up with the vet 2 weeks ago, and that were a part of our family in every single way.

I will never again get to lay on my couch with Molly on my chest and look into her adorable little face and tell her how much I love her or thank her for being there for me through all the atrocities that occurred last year. She will never be there to sooth my tears, and nuzzle into my neck when she can sense I am upset. Roxy will never again re-arrange the rugs in my kitchen, or make me laugh by smoothing the wrinkles on their bed before she'll lay down. And neither one of them will excitedly hop to my feet when I walk in my backdoor.

I am SO angry! I don't know how to process this grief. I know how silly it sounds to be so upset over rabbits but nonetheless, these were exceptional little furballs! They are 100% irreplaceable. And to lose them in such a way... devastating.

To give you an idea of how much this has effected me: AF started today. IUI #11 was a complete and utter failure... AND I DON'T CARE!!! I can't express how much sadness I feel. I have never bonded to a pet the way I did with these two. I already miss them so much it hurts.

We buried them in my Dad's backyard wrapped in one of LJ's baby blankets, along with their favorite ball and LJ's stuffed animal, Ellie the Elephant. Ellie is who always makes LJ feel better when she is sick or sad, and she wanted to make sure that her bunnies would always have her to tell them how much she loves them.

Molly:

Roxy:
Rest well, Sweet Bunnies. We will love you forever and will cherish every moment we had with you. Thank you for being a part of our family. We will miss you so much!

Away

2010-07-08T16:21:00.002-06:00

I'm going off line for a few days. We are heading to the Hub's family reunion and I fully intend to take advantage of the beautiful scenery and calming effects that are offered by the gorgeous canyons here in Utah.

I plan on swinging on rope swings over the river, reading a book near the bank, and to absolutely NOT, under ANY circumstances cave into the overwhelming urge to POAS. ( I really think we should all chip in, and create a 12-step program for this depressing addiction!)

Bye for now!