Hiatus

So here's the thing... I've been trying to come up with something to blog about for weeks now and all I've figured out is that I don't want to say anything. I have nothing left to say. It seems that my psychosis has evolved, and now instead of obsessing over getting/staying pregnant, I'm obsessing over my girls and this just feels like the wrong place to do that. So, while this place has been my home for a very long time now, it feels forced to STAY here. Does that make sense?

I have struggled with what to do for a while now, and I think I am leaning towards starting a new blog. Kind of a new chapter, if you will. I have no intention whatsoever of closing this space, but I don't plan on adding content anytime soon. I am excited to move on, but I doubt I will ever be ready to completely let go.

I feel that I need a new place to tell you about everything that is going on in my life. I feel like a new person. Before, so much of me was tied up in the hell that is infertility, that it changed me. Slowly, I am finding myself again. It is a whole new journey, completely separate from everything that has happened here.

So, that is what I'm going to do. I'm not really sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but if you do - thank you. Please feel free to join me in this new chapter of my life whenever you are ready. Also, I want to be clear... I have no intention of leaving the IF world completely, my role has simply changed. I want to be YOUR support. I will still be reading ( and commenting whenever blogger lets me) and holding your virtual hand whenever you need me.

Let me know what you think. I will do one more post on Tears are for Babies when I have the new blog set up. Until then...

Crazy? Um, yes.

EJ is 4 months old already. Holy Crap.

She had her 4 month well-check yesterday, so here are her stats:

Height: 24", 40th percentile

Weight: 11 lbs. 3 oz., 7th percentile

Head circumference: 16.5 ", 75th percentile. (still got that big 'ole noggin!)

And no, she doesn't look like a giant egg head. She's completely proportionate, see?

So cute, right??

Anyway, because she's so small I've decided to make all of her baby food. I want to make sure that she is getting the maximum amount of nutrients from the food she will eat. And although we aren't starting her on any solid food until 6 months, I am already busy trying out my new Ni.n.ja and making trial batches of baby food. OMG, you guys... it is A-MAZING!!! I am having so much fun with it. It even pureed spinach into a texture similar to butter. I freakin' LOVE this thing!

(Okay, so not my best blog post... but at least I posted a pic. That counts for something, right?)

Next...

I don't have a lot of time to post, but didn't want to leave things with the "poor me" crap.

Life it getting better. My back is on the mend and my tummy is nearly back to normal. I got through yesterday and today's photo sessions a lot easier than expected, and have just one more to go before I take a Christmas break.

EJ's toe looks like nothing ever happened. We ended up taking her to another pediatrician on Saturday because she woke up with what looked like pink eye (yeah, last week ROCKED! At least the pink eye was a false alarm.) and I was able to get another opinion about her weight. Again, this Dr. wasn't really concerned and said that she looks healthy and that she is probably just going to blaze her own trail. We'll check again on the 28th, but my mommy-sense tells me that EJ is going into a growth spurt. All she does lately is eat and sleep with no more than an hour of awake time in between eat/sleep sessions. And she's eating A LOT. I feel like my mammaries are going to explode if she goes longer than an hour and a half without eating. Oh yeah, and she is giggling now. OH. MY. GOSH!!! Best sound EVER!! I can't wait until it gets more consistent. If I could figure out how to post a video from my phone I totally would. It's so CUTE!

Last night, my family Christmas party got dumped in my lap (love the notice) so I'm scrambling to put things together. I doubt I'll have much time this week to update again, but I just wanted to let you know that I survived last week, and things are looking up.

Whine, Gripe, and "Poor Me."

This has been an awful week.  Here's why:

1. Food poisoning.  I promise I will NEVER eat another stuffed mushroom.  EVER!! 

2. Because I was sick, EJ and I were in  our pajamas (the same ones) for 2 1/2 days. 

3.  I am losing my hair. A lot.

4.  EJ was super fussy the whole time I was sick.

5.  Yesterday morning as I was bathing EJ, I noticed that her toe was bright red and SUPER swollen.  It was at least twice the size it should have been. When I looked closer I saw one of my hairs (see #3) wrapped around her toe so tight that it had cut off the circulation, (now #4 makes sense!) but it was so swollen I couldn't actually get to the hair.   I FREAKED OUT and screamed for DH, who, luckily was able to get the hair off.  I took her to the Dr. to get it checked out and it was fine. However, I did find out that...

6.  Miss E has dropped between the 10th and 25th percentile for weight.  (Which explains why almost everyone comments that she is "so tiiiny")  She will be 4 months old on Christmas Eve and she is only 10lbs. 13 oz.  And that was with a wet diaper. :(  The doc wasn't concerned because she acts perfectly happy and looks healthy (just small), and is freakishly strong... but it didn't make me feel any better.

7.  After the Dr. appt. I threw out my back trying to lift some laundry.  I can't stand, walk, or lay on my back, and can only sit for super short periods of time.  It takes an act of Congress to roll from one side to the other because I can barely move my legs or hips.  Basically - I'm screwed.  Oh yeah, and I have a 3 1/2 month old baby that I can't lift without excruciating pain and my legs giving out on me, who doesn't allow anyone to soothe her but me.  (Did I mention she has a sore toe?)

Throw in my first PP period, finals week, and a family feud and that rounds out the top 10 reasons my week sucks. 

Stay tuned for the next few days when I must find a way to miraculously heal in time for the photo sessions I have booked Sunday, Monday, and Friday.  Monday's session includes 27 mini sessions.   All kids.

Sigh.

Lucky

So ya know what sucks?  Wind. Wind freakin' SUCKS!!!!

86mph winds, people.  The highest wind recorded today (about 10 min. away from my house) was 102mph. That's the same as a category 2 hurricane, folks. 

Currently we are without power, and when I left my home at around 5pm the temp inside was only 52*.  When I called the power company, they told me that they don't expect the power to be back on until Saturday at the earliest.  My neighborhood is a disaster area.  I have never seen such destruction.  I couldn't help but cry when I drove down the street and within 3 blocks counted 9 very large toppled trees.  One of my neighbors lost their roof. Not shingles - their actual roof.  My dad, who lives only 4 blocks away, has to replace his roof.  More than half of his shingles were torn off.   I am so nervous that he wont be able to make the repairs.  He's been out of work for months. 

There is so much debris!  Trees were blocking many roads in my area, making it hard to drive anywhere. 

We were lucky.  We lost part of the roof on our shed, some shingles off the roof, a few strips of siding,  and our new barbeque was ripped apart, but we are lucky.  We will be spending the next couple of days with my inlaws until the power comes back on so we don't freeze to death, and so we have food to eat (our stove/oven is electric, and we don't dare let the cold out of the fridge/freezer by opening it). There are many people that will spend the same time in emergency shelters set up in the area.

Tonight I am counting my lucky stars.  Please send positive thoughts and prayers to those around us who were not so fortunate.

With Thanks

Just about now, a year ago today I was waking up from egg retrieval. I remember the nurse being there with a smile on her face and telling me "congratulations!" Then I remember glancing at my hand and seeing a "16" drawn on the back. I had so much hope that day.

I have so much to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed!

Why am I not sleeping?

Because I'm a moron, that's why.

Oh, AND because I have been trying to fix my photo printer and editing photos for the last 8 hours. HOLY COW! 8 freakin' hours! Oy! (Sadly, most of that was just trying to get the print head to function, but whatev.)

I don't think I've mentioned it here, but photography has been a hobby of mine for a really long time. I have been told frequently that I have an "eye" for good shots. So, about a year and a half ago I put all of my required courses on hold and did a whole year of photography at my university. (One day I will post pics from my final project in my digital photography course. It was all about infertility and I shot pics all through my second IVF cycle. I made 1/2 of my class cry AND I got an A. BONUS!)

Anyway... tonight I was getting some photos processed for a friend (I've been doing a lot of pics for other people lately) and I remembered that I had another memory card in my bag that I needed to upload the pictures from. It turned out to be pictures from the Halloween pics took of my girls. I had forgotten that I filled 2 memory cards! Of course I think all the pictures are cute, but there was one that made me get especially weepy. It was from after the costumes came off. I had been meaning to take this particular photo since EJ was born. I know I have said it before, but my favorite quote of all time - and the one that ran through my head through so many down-times in the last few years - is "Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you aren't willing to move your feet."

That's probably why I adore the photo so much. I had to add the quote.

I am going to make a 16x20 print and hang it in my house. I can't get enough of these perfect little feet, and the little girl they belong to.

I really love my life. =)