Out There

I don't know how to do this part. The pregnant part.

I have spent so much time focusing on just getting pregnant, and I never really thought about what it would actually be like if it happened. It's been a long, long time since I was able to picture myself with a baby in my arms, and honestly.... I still can't.

I feel like I'm lying every time I tell someone that I'm pregnant. I recorded an ultrasound and I keep it on my phone just so that when I need a reality-check, I can pull it up and watch it. It's so weird to see my name at the top of the ultrasound screen.

All of this pisses me off so much! I am terrified that I am not going to bond with this child, all because I simply can't wrap my mind around the fact that there IS a child.

I don't feel movement yet, I'm used to the "symptoms"* and they now just seem normal to me, and I don't really think I look any different than before. How do I convince myself that it's real.

The nightmares have begun. I had such a horrible dream that I ended up calling my family doctor that is really close to my house so that I could go in just to check for a heartbeat.

I thought that it was over. He placed the wand over my uterus and scanned and scanned. Nothing. He told me that it wasn't the best doppler, so then he started to look for my heartbeat just to make sure the tool was working. Sure enough, my heartbeat was coming through nicely. Still no baby. I looked at DH and I could see the panic on his face. "Maybe I just need more gel" The doc said. He put more goo on my tummy and began to scan again. My c-section scar was burning horribly due to the force in which he was stretching the skin. After an eternity (probably close to 10 min. total) we heard a heart beat. He compared the rate to the pulse on my wrist and calmly said, "that's not you."

I left in such a state of shock, that it took until the next morning to notice the gash in my skin just above my c-section scar. He had pulled so hard, that my skin actually tore. (Trust me, I'm feeling it now!)

What do I do? How do I shake this? When I say "this doesn't feel real" it's not the blissful, "I can't believe this is happening" with a grin on my face, kind of thing. It's the scary, "I can't tell what is reality" kind of thing. Have you seen Inception? Yeah, it's kind of like that. There is this huge fear that is smothering me. What if it isn't real? What if I finally went 'round the bend and I've completely lost it?

After fighting infertility for so long, it hard to feel like I'm winning.



It's a weird video, but it's the words that count.

And That's Why I Love Him

Have you seen this? (watch before reading on)


I love it. I laugh every time I watch it. I know it's ironic now, but hey...

So, I decided to show the hubs. I thought he'd appreciate it too.

He blankly stared at the screen while the video played, and just looked at me when it was over.

"It's funny!" I said.

His reply?

"Whatever you say, Bitch."

...and then I almost peed my pants laughing.

The End.

Guilty

I broke the rule. Okay, I don't know if it's actually a rule, but still.

I bought baby stuff. A car seat, stroller, pack 'n play, a portable swing, and a regular swing.

Seriously?!?

Of course I feel like a lunatic, but I know that I shouldn't. Think positive, right?

Why did I buy all of this stuff now, you ask? Well, a certain massive baby retailer who shall remain nameless ran a huge promotion: Turn in your old baby stuff and we'll give you 25% off new stuff.

I caved, and it saved me $100.00. That's worth it, right?

Still, I can't believe I bought all this stuff. I'm not even 15 weeks yet! With LJ we didn't buy anything until I was closer to 30-35 weeks. I can't believe how silly I feel. I know that so far, everything looks fine, and like this baby will actually make a healthy appearance in August. But I still can't believe we did it! My house looks like this certain massive baby retailer threw up in my living room!

Sigh. Maybe seeing all this baby gear will help it sink in that I'm currently growing the tiny human that will use it all. Hopefully.

Quick Update

There's really nothing to post.

All is well (at least as far as I know) and things are moving right along. We had our NT scan last week and I bawled all through the ultrasound. It still hasn't quite sunk in.

I had a bit of spotting this week. Nothing major, and it stopped within a few hours. I'm trying not to freak out, and so far doing a pretty good job. I have a check up tomorrow, so I'll be sure to bring it up.

I had to make the move to maternity pants this week. I feel silly for doing it, since I still don't look any different, but WOW, what a difference they make. SO much more comfortable!

Anywho... there's the scoop. I'm sorry I'm so boring. When I find the words I want to say, I promise to put them here first. I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, so that makes posting difficult. But rest assured... I still love you! ;)

Voluntary Guinea Pig

Let me just tell you how lame I am.

While shopping tonight at Wal.green.'s I ran across this:



Okay, it's not the first time I'd heard of these, and I'll admit to doing a tiny bit of looking into it google-style before I ran into it, so when I saw it my will power shrank. I called K and asked if I could buy it (sometimes you just need the hubs to okay an irrational purchase, right?) He wasn't thrilled, but gave me the go-ahead anyway. I love him.

So I got home and quickly tore into the package.

Step 1: "Collect your first morning's urine in the cup provided. (Use ONLY first morning urine.)"

CRAP! It's 8:30 at night and there's no way I want to wait until morning. So, I pulled up the website and read that as long as it's been 2 1/2 hours since your last "void" it's fine. YAY!

I finished the test, and placed it on the counter to season for the required 5 minutes.

The results?

GIRL!!

Of course, I'm not putting too much stock into this one test, but still it's fun to think that it could be right! According to the internet and all it's infinite wisdom, this particular test is between 78%-90% accurate.

So, allow me to be the guinea pig, and I'll let you know if it turns out to be correct. Unfortunately, we'll just have to wait until March to know for sure. ;)