With Thanks

Just about now, a year ago today I was waking up from egg retrieval. I remember the nurse being there with a smile on her face and telling me "congratulations!" Then I remember glancing at my hand and seeing a "16" drawn on the back. I had so much hope that day.

I have so much to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed!

Why am I not sleeping?

Because I'm a moron, that's why.

Oh, AND because I have been trying to fix my photo printer and editing photos for the last 8 hours. HOLY COW! 8 freakin' hours! Oy! (Sadly, most of that was just trying to get the print head to function, but whatev.)

I don't think I've mentioned it here, but photography has been a hobby of mine for a really long time. I have been told frequently that I have an "eye" for good shots. So, about a year and a half ago I put all of my required courses on hold and did a whole year of photography at my university. (One day I will post pics from my final project in my digital photography course. It was all about infertility and I shot pics all through my second IVF cycle. I made 1/2 of my class cry AND I got an A. BONUS!)

Anyway... tonight I was getting some photos processed for a friend (I've been doing a lot of pics for other people lately) and I remembered that I had another memory card in my bag that I needed to upload the pictures from. It turned out to be pictures from the Halloween pics took of my girls. I had forgotten that I filled 2 memory cards! Of course I think all the pictures are cute, but there was one that made me get especially weepy. It was from after the costumes came off. I had been meaning to take this particular photo since EJ was born. I know I have said it before, but my favorite quote of all time - and the one that ran through my head through so many down-times in the last few years - is "Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you aren't willing to move your feet."

That's probably why I adore the photo so much. I had to add the quote.

I am going to make a 16x20 print and hang it in my house. I can't get enough of these perfect little feet, and the little girl they belong to.

I really love my life. =)

...and then there's that.

See, I'm not even dead! Hooray!

I feel really bad because I feel like a terrible bloggy friend as of late. I have missed SO MANY posts and simply haven't had a chance to catch up. Honestly, I doubt I ever will. Hopefully it will be like missing one or two episodes of a good show. Eventually, you watch enough of the new episodes that you get the gist of what you missed. I still love you though. Really.

I think I have finally found my stride with this whole "incorporate-new-baby-into-every-day-life" thing. You would totally be impressed if you could see all the things I can accomplish with one hand. Miss E is a serious mama's girl, and has made it clear that her favorite place to be is in my arms (Hey! Mine too!) Although my house may not be as put-together as I'd like, I'm finding it hard to be annoyed. I remember all to well what it is like to have time for all those household chores (read: without baby), and I much prefer my life now. It seems that I get enough done that I don't feel totally embarrassed if I have unexpected company, but not enough that I'd actually invite anyone over (if you are reading this, you have an open invitation. I don't give this link to judgemental douchebags. LOL)

The one thing that I am still struggling with is survivor's guilt. Every time I log on here all I want to do is tell you all about my baby, and how LJ is as a big sister, and all the cute little things that make the last 8 years so very, very worth it. But every time I do, I feel like I'm rubbing it in. This is probably why there haven't been many posts lately. So, here's what I've decided. I am going to tell you all about EJ and all her cute little quirks. I want you to know how LJ is adjusting, and how my marriage is handling the new eustress. I want you to see how completely happy I am. But I also "get it". I don't want to stress you out if you are still struggling. I don't want to pressure you. So, here ya go. You have my permission (not that you need it) to ignore my blog. If you aren't feeling up to it... no biggie. I will still be here when you are ready, and I will still love you when you get back. And in between.

There. I told you. Hopefully that will be enough to kill the guilt. We'll see.

Stay tuned...