Friday, January 28, 2011

Finding Words

So, here it is. The confession:

I am at a loss for words.

My biggest pet peeve as I have struggled through infertility has been people making decisions for me. Family members telling me AFTER a baby is born that so-and-so was pregnant so that they "wouldn't hurt (my) feelings", that kind of thing. I told everyone so many times that often it hurts much worse to be left out than it does to hear the news (this is just about being TOLD information... spare me the details every 30 seconds, please!). I tried to explain that I never felt like someone was jumping in line in front of me, and they had stolen my chance by getting pregnant before me. Granted, we all have our bad days, but for the most part I have gotten to the point that my good days outweigh my bad.

I had one sister-in-law that "got" it. She never left me out of what was going on during her pregnancy, but she never flaunted it either. I never heard her complain (not that I would have minded an occasional gripe), she always honestly and sincerely answered my questions when I would ask, and she never pushed information on me. In other words, she understood that it was hard for me, but also understood how much it meant to me to be a part of things.

I want to be like her.

But here's the problem. I don't know everyone's limits. I have close friends that are still in the throes of infertility, who can't find a sturdy step to balance on and the last thing I want to do is push them over the edge. We've all had those days. You're feeling fine until you log on and see that giant ultrasound at the top of the feed. Or when you hear some lame-ass family member complain for the 5 billionth time this week that "this sucks" while simultaneously sharing a new belly pic of their 3rd pregnancy in as many years. Give me a break!

So, what do I do? How do I find the balance between too much and too little? All morning I've been fighting the urge to put on FB something mentioning the fact that I have made it to 12 weeks. This is HUGE for me, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to be the one that makes that struggling friend cry today.

My best friend is one that is struggling. She rarely complains, and is an expert at pasting a smile on her face and saying "congratulations" even when she's dying on the inside. She is amazing. She is one of only a few friends that has walked this path with me every step of the way. She is who I called when I found out about the ectopic, and she walked along side my bed as they wheeled me into surgery, and is the first face I saw when I woke up. She has cried with me, laughed with me, and complained with me. I could not have asked for a better friend.

For the last few weeks, we haven't talked much. Both of us have been super busy, and she's been spending time with a sister that just had a baby. (Told you she was amazing! She spent over a week at her sister's home taking care of the new baby and making sure everything was in order while her sister recovered. WOW!) I talked to her a couple of times while she was there, and it was clear that she was struggling, but I guarantee she didn't let her sister know.

When she came back, I know she was on baby burn-out. Finally, the other day I called her. I told her that I was issuing her a never-ending supply of rainy-day coupons. Here's how they work: It doesn't matter if we have been planning things for weeks... if she decides even 5 minutes before that she can't handle pregnancy/baby related stuff that day (which includes even seeing me), she can text me. All she has to say is "rainy day" and we can make arrangements to reschedule for a better time when she is more comfortable. This will work for everything. She doesn't want to take my call ('cuz we all know that sometimes all we have to do is HEAR a pregnant person, and we're over the edge!)? Rainy day. Can't stand to see a baby belly? Rainy day. Because I know how it is! It sucks so bad to see someone, even someone you care tremendously for, get pregnant when you are struggling so hard trying to reach the same goal. It has nothing to do with your feelings for the person, it's your feelings about the situation. It's hard. Sometimes soul-crushing. I get it. Hopefully, this "rainy day" thing will help. I don't want to force anything on her, and I want to protect our friendship as much as possible. If she just doesn't take my calls, but never says anything... I will panic. I will question whether I did something wrong. But if she tells me "rainy day", that's just as good as saying, "Meim, I love you, but I need some space today." I can TOTALLY deal with that with no hard feelings whatsoever.

So that covers part of the issue, but what about the rest? Sharing too little. I don't want to ignore her and make her feel excluded from this MAJOR part of my life, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to mistake me waiting for her to ask me about something, as me not wanting to share with her.

So, that was a huge post that boils down to me asking for your advice. The same thing goes for this space. How much is too much? How much is too little? Help me find the balance. I don't know how to do this part. (which is a totally different post... and "this part" is sooo many different things. *Sigh*)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

We Made It!

Thursday was my first prenatal appointment.

My new OB, Dr. S, let me ask him a million and one questions and was super patient throughout all of it. Unfortunately, the clinic that we saw him at does not have ultrasound machines (WTF, right?), but he was nice enough to meet us up at the hospital and do a quick scan. We were lucky, and 1/2 of his appointments were up there anyway.

The main points of the day are as follows:

-NO more prenatals! This is fan-freaking-tastic seeing as I hardly ever hold them down anyway! I have taken them for the last 9 years, and they are just now making me all pukey. Doc said that since the baby's neural tube is closed already, I don't need the extra folic acid now. I can start taking them later on as I can tolerate them, and if I never get to that point (like I did with LJ) I can just take iron supplements instead.

-My blood pressure was 102/78. I made them double check. I had forgotten to take my BP meds for 2 days, so it was hard to believe that my blood pressure would actually be normal, if not a little on the lower side. I have had high blood pressure since I was 17 and have had to be on medication for the last 3 1/2 years. I have stopped taking my medication (so THAT's what's been making me so dizzy!) and have subsequently gained back the 5 lbs of water weight that the meds usually rid me of. Which brings me to my next point...

-I got in a bit of trouble for losing over 10lbs already. Honestly, I didn't think it was a problem, seeing as I'm a bit on the plus side anyway, but apparently it is. And, no... I'm not trying to lose weight. I tried to explain to my OB that this is apparently normal for me. During my entire pregnancy with LJ, I only gained 13 lbs. Granted, this was after losing quite a bit to start with. Even Zofran just isn't cutting it these days. I'm getting better, but my appetite just isn't what it was. I am lucky if I get to eat 1/2 of my meal. I figure I can either eat 1/2 and barely make it - or force down the whole thing just to have it all come back up a few minutes later. Yeah... I'll take 1/2.

-An ultrasound! It was a really fast little peek, but it was enough to calm my fears (for this week.) The screen was super tiny and at an impossible angle, but it didn't take long for Dr. S so find the heartbeat. DH could see really well, and said that the baby now looks like a little gummy bear. I wish I could have seen, but really... it's okay. All was well and that's all that really matters. Oh, OH! It was an ABDOMINAL scan! HOORAY!!! No more run-ins with the "wand".

I only have 3 days left of the PIO, and then I get to switch to Prometrium for the next 2 weeks. I am still waiting to hear back on how long I will be on the heparin. Honestly, I hope it's just a couple more weeks, but I will go as long as I need to.

It is still so strange to be experiencing this. It is just now beginning to feel real. I now have to use an elastic to fasten my pants, and I can feel a little something in the way when I bend over to tie my shoes. (I can do my pants up, but they get very uncomfortable when I sit.)

I hope I never have to wake up. I really like this dream!