Thursday, July 2, 2015

More tears...

Oh, hey... remember me?  Maybe?  Well, I'm back because I have no where else to go.

And what do you do when you have nowhere to go and a heart bursting with feelings that you can't put anywhere else?  Well, you resurrect the blog that you thought had served it's purpose and run it's course.  Oh, Fate... you tricky bastard.

Back in April, we decided to jump back in the TTC arena.  You guys, it was hard.  Like, really, really hard for me.  This place of infertility is where all of my nightmares live.  Flash backs from the scariest times of my life still haunt me, and honestly, I just didn't know if I could do it again.  But, then there was that nagging in my gut telling me that our family is not complete.  This thought was only strengthened when I asked EJ what she wanted for her birthday (coming up in August) and she quickly replied "a baby brother or sister, of course."  Of course.

So, we did it.  FET #1.  Everything went perfectly.  Not a single hitch.  Not only did the timing work out pretty spectacularly, but we actually won our clinic's annual drawing and got a significant discount. Then we won a second contest taking even more off our total.  It was awesome.

We transferred 2 beautiful blasts.  They were so strong.  One of them was fully expanded and looked so great that you would never have guessed it had been in a freezer for the last 4 years.  I joked with our embryologist that my money was on the fully expanded one, and he said without missing a beat, "my money is on both of them!".  Yep, we were FULL of hope and had very little doubt at all that this cycle would be awesome.

Then, at 6 days past transfer, this happened:

Light, yes... but those little embies hadn't even been in for a week!  I was thrilled!  This was on a Tuesday.  My beta wasn't even scheduled until the following Monday.  

Then, 2 days later...

Although nerves started to set in (as they always do so early) we began to get excited.  We hadn't told anyone but my best friend and my SIL that we had even cycled, and we decided to keep our secret until August.  We would wrap up a baby doll (or two) with a cute little shirt or something and give it to EJ with an explanation that she was going to get exactly what she wanted for her birthday. 

Of course I kept POAS, because I'm warped like that... and last Friday, I decided the line was a little bit lighter than the day before.  I called my nurse, and she told me I could come in anytime for a beta, even though my "official" test date wasn't until the next Monday.  So, I went in.  I knew something wasn't right, and I couldn't help but panic a bit when I pulled into the clinic's parking lot.  

A few hours later, I called in to see if my results were in.  "Oh, let me look... (pause, then a sigh)... okay, well... they are back.  Your level is at 28.8.  But, it's still early so come back in on Monday.  By then we'd expect it to be closer to 100.  Don't worry too much now.  We'll just be cautiously optimistic..."  I pretty much zoned out after that.  I'm not even sure I told her "goodbye" before I hung up.  

I freaking knew it!  Nothing is every easy for us in the baby-making category of life.

I spent most of the weekend trying to avoid reality, and yet secretly crying any chance I got.

Monday was even worse.  Beta dropped to 9.8.  I was instructed to stop all my meds and prepare to miscarry.


So, now I wait.  Nothing has happened yet.  No spotting, only mild on and off cramping a couple of times a day.  Limbo. 

I don't know how to be.  I am a bag full of conflicting emotions.  It is 3:15 in the morning and here I am alternating between stoic and hysterical.  

All I can do is wait.  And wait.  And wait some more.  I am completely terrified of going back in on Monday (RE wants to track beta back to 0) and find out the beta has risen.  I CANNOT handle another ectopic.  CAN NOT.

I think I just need someone to grab my shoulders and shake the hell out of me until I am a puddle of tears and can let it all out.  

I can't do life right now.  I feel like I have 6 different personalities, and none of them can decide who the "dominant" one is going to be.  

I'm not NOT pregnant, so what exactly am I?  This is such a total mind fuck.