All alone with my thoughts... (and a laptop. Lucky you!)

(Warning: this is all mismashed and jumpy, but what-the-hell. I'm in a venting mood I guess.)

First up:
My CAT scan results came back last week, and they were normal. I was beyond confused. I thought for sure that there would be some glowing mass on the films that would pinpoint the source of my discomfort. My Dr. called me and told me that I needed to meet with a surgeon. When I questioned him as to why, he told me that he is sure it is scar tissue, and the surgeon can get rid of it. Apparently, adhesions do not show on CT scans at all! GRRRRR!!! Talk about frustration. Sure glad I paid out the nose for ANOTHER test I didn't need!

No, I haven't made an appointment with the surgeon yet. I seemed to have contracted a nasty case of bronchitis that I need to get rid of first.

Second:
My munchkin started 1st grade yesterday. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but it is turning out to be much more depressing than I ever would have suspected. This is not where I thought's I'd be at this point in my life. My plan was to get married, wait a year and then get pregnant. Well, that went pretty well. We celebrated our first anniversary in March, and got pregnant in August. We waited another year (almost) and started trying for a second baby. We wanted a total of 4 kids, spaced 2 years apart. I planned on being done having kids before I was 30. Well, you all know how that went... and I turned 27 on Friday.

What does this have to do with Munchkin going back to school? Well, it reminds me of my spoiled plans. If my life had gone according to plan, I'd have 2 other kids at home with me, and be expecting my caboose. Instead, I'm left here alone... and it sucks.

I am planning on going back to work now that she's in school full-time, and hopefully that will help. But for now, I'm wallowing in my own self-pity.

What sucks the most is how much I miss my Munchkin.

Third:
I talked to DH about my feelings of being done with all the IF stuff. He was very patient with me, and calmly explained that he's not ready to give up. He's far more determined than I am. Honestly, he gave me just enough of a boost that I'm considering another IUI in September. I'm not completely comfortable with it yet, but I'm getting better everyday. I am going to meet with my RE and see about using clomid again. This would only be the 2nd time doing a clomid/IUI cycle. The other 3 were unmedicated. I'm hoping that with the clomid, and being more closely monitored with my RE, that we'll find success. In a way, it almost feels tangible... something in me says we're so close to a successful pregnancy, and yet my brain just laughs it off as being naive and gullible.

And to top it all off...
Fall semester started yesterday, too. What classes am I taking? Oh, the easy ones... math and chemistry. (Apparently, I'm addicted to stress.)

I feel like I'm losing it.

Letting the CAT out of the bag

Tomarrow morning at approximately eleven o'clock, I will be smack-dab in the middle of a CAT scan.

Last year I went to my doctor because of a severe burning sensation near my left ovary. I was told that it was probably just adhesions from my c-section and that I would need a laparoscopy to remove the damaged tissue. My OB said that it would more than likely (yeah, right) help me get pregnant. So... off to the OR I went. During the surgery he found that my uterus and bladder had fused together (which is apparently common after a c-section... go figure) and there was a small amount of scar tissue, but it was nowhere near my left ovary. He was able to correct the issues that he saw, and I went home the same day. My recovery was quick and relatively painless and surprisingly, the pain seemed to lessen so I was hopeful that it would go away completely.

Well, I guess that'll teach me to hope! It has gotten much worse over the last couple of months, and after spending a day last week in bed crying all day, I decided it was time to have the friggin' test done. (My OB had ordered the test months ago, and I foolishly laughed it off, deciding it would get better on its own.)

My general Dr. who is ordering this test (I was too embarrassed to go back to my OB. I can see the "I told you so" look now) was pretty right-on when trying to describe this indescribable pain, and he suggested that it was more scar tissue, or possibly a problem with my ovary itself.

SO, I am heading in for the CAT scan, and if it is found that there is either scar tissue OR a problem with my ovary I will be heading back into the OR for a tune-up (hopefully before school starts on the 25th).

Keep your fingers crossed that they will find something minor, and easy to fix. I'll post again when I hear the results.

Inquiring Minds and all...

Is it possible for a "break" cycle to break you?

I'm starting to remember that one of us is "broken" and that taking a break isn't exactly likely to help our cause.

Starting to wonder if this "break" is going to be permanent. I still haven't discussed it with DH, so the finality of it is unconcluded.

Man, I hate feeling like a quitter, and yet I am so very tired. Tired of lonely pink lines, and stupid questions that I can't bring myself to ignore.

If only the hole in my heart would heal, and I could say with certainty that I CAN live my life happily without ever having another baby.

If only...

Back at the Beginning

AF finally showed up Friday evening. She tried to psych me out, but I was prepared! Good thing too, because she decided to invade the Martina McBride concert that I was at. HA! AF:0 Meim:1!

We're still on a "break" this cycle. I figure the point of a planned pregnancy is to have a baby when you want one (stop laughing... I know that is incredibley naive to say) and a May due date is kind of off limits. We want to make sure that our daughter gets her own b-day, and there is no risk of someone intruding on her emerald territory.

I'm feeling much more upbeat today. Actually, for the last couple of days. I'm not really sure what has made a difference, but I guess I should just appreciate it.

Thank you all for the comments. It helps me to know that there are people out there who can relate.