Tuesday, September 16, 2008

It's time to Stand.

Alright girls. This is where it gets good.

I'm back. In every sense of the word. I'm (almost) fully recovered from my surgery, I'm back on the TTC bandwagon, and I'm feeling more determined than ever. I think there may be an end to what will now be know as my "dark" period. That's not to say that my emotions aren't sometimes a little tender, but I'm feeling much more like the pre-m/c Meim.

I called my RE last week and informed him (really... I didn't ask, I TOLD him) that I was going to be taking clomid days 3-7 and I would like to discuss a trigger shot with him before my next IUI that should fall somewhere between the 29th and the 1st. He's not a big fan of me using clomid, seeing as this will be my 21st attempt, but I really feel like I need to do this. Most of the 20 rounds before now were with the help of a different (and dare I say, less competent) Dr., who although I love him dearly and will be going to him to monitor my pregnancy (yes... I meant to say that as if it's inevitable), he's not so great in the IF department. I am going to a much more successful clinic, who managed to help me get pregnant WITHOUT drugs or ultrasounds. After almost 5 years, they did it on the first try. Regretfully, that pregnancy is what ended in m/c, but still... they get points for the accomplishment.

Ladies, I can't even express how close I feel. I have never felt this way.. and it is scaring the holy crap out of me. Yes, I feel invigorated, but at the same time so incredibly nervous.

Now, I know that I've had a bit of a spiritual crisis as of late, but I feel like I may not have a choice anymore. I can't help but feel like someone is watching over me right now. There are things I KNOW, and I can't rationalize them. I have no reason for being hopeful. None. But I KNOW that it is close. Very close. Maybe not this cycle, but I feel as though it will be within 3. And I KNOW it will stick. I'm not sure why I feel this way and man, will it suck if I have to eat my words come December; but I WILL try again.

I can only foresee one bump in the road. December 18th. The day that is still highlighted on my calendar with the words "Baby Due". I will cry that day, regardless of my current state. It will be my day of remembering "the one who got away".

So, here we go. Blindly following an invisible guide that tells me what I "know".

This should be good.

Oh yeah, and I've picked a theme song ('cuz that's how I roll.. lol):


I Believe in Miracles said...

Glad you back and feeling better!!
Crossing fingers, wishing you lots of baby dust!!

CG said...

Happy to hear from you. Wishing you luck for your clomid cycle.

Penny said...

Well that's great that you're back! Good luck with the upcoming IUI. 21 rounds of clomid requires a purple heart of some kind, I think.