Details Details - EJ's LONG birth story.

Wow. What a week it's been. I was going to wait to post Miss E's birth story, but decided that I might as well do it now before life gets going again. Right now, I'm in a lovely state of bliss and still trying to let me new life sink in.

It all happened in such an unexpected way. After I got to the hospital on Tuesday, I asked my nurse to check with my OB about placing a Foley catheter into my cervix. I had read about it, but my OB didn't seem to think that it would do me much good since I was already dilated to a 2. Luckily, he agreed to do it anyway. I knew it would be a while since I couldn't be on the pitocin while the catheter was in place. Imagine how surprised I was to still be experiencing STRONG contractions even after my IV was turned off.

Yep, I was in labor. ON MY OWN! My contractions were steady at 2 min. apart and making it very difficult to do anything other than whimper. By 1:30 I was offered an epidural. I decided to pass, since it was still very early (I was only at a 3) and I wanted to make sure that I could still get up and move around and I knew that once the epi was in place, I was pretty much grounded to the bed. I continued to labor all night. At about midnight my nurse checked me to see how far I'd got. I was at about a 5, but that wasn't the issue. She couldn't feel EJ's head. After 2 more nurses all tried but were unsuccessful, the Dr. was paged and an ultrasound machine was brought into my room. They were all positive the baby was breech. Luckily, it was a false alarm.

By Wednesday morning, my Dr. insisted on breaking my water so that it would make it harder for EJ to move around, and possibly turn the wrong way. I agreed, and let him do it. I was so surprised how quickly the contractions turned from "hard" to "impossible." I was so sick I pretty much thought I was going to die. The contractions were so strong! I have never felt anything like that. EVER. At about noon, I decided it was time fore the epidural. Luckily, the anesthesiologist was available right then. It took a bit of patience since my contractions were so close and so strong. I was too scared to let him stick the needle in my back while I was in the middle of a contraction. Every time I'd have one, my body would shake uncontrollably. Perfect time to try ramming sharp objects into your spine, huh? Anyway, he got the epi in place and gave me the medicine. Just a "starter dose". He set up a pump and told me that if I needed more relief all I had to do was push the button. Well, after about 20 minutes I had to push the button. Twice.

Nothing. I didn't work. He came back in and placed more medicine directly in my line. I didn't help. Then he tried more... still no change. I was almost hysterical from the pain. After a last ditch effort that failed, the anesthesiologist decided that we'd have to redo the epidural. Too bad that one didn't work either. By this point I was at a 7. My only options? A c-section right then so I could have a spinal block, or I had to do it without meds. All natural. So, natural it was.

I couldn't believe how hard it was. Every contraction was stronger, and by this point I was dilating very fast. My amazing nurse (more on that another time) was great. Because I was going for a VBAC, I was her only patient. She was able to stay with me the whole time, pretty much working as a doula. She was able to help me focus even when I thought I couldn't take anymore. Still, by 6:30 I had had it. I begged to have the pitocin turned off, and to just schedule a c/s. My nurse was able to talk me off the ledge so to speak, and I promised that I'd continue with the labor for one. more. hour. I was so glad that I had taken the time to explain to her BEFORE why the VBAC was so important to me.

Then, all bets were off. 2 1/2 hours later I was deep into transition. My contractions were only 1 1/2 minutes apart and were stronger than anything I'd ever felt. The pain started in my pelvic bone, and then would spread up into my uterus. By the time I got to an 8 1/2 I was beyond exhausted. I couldn't focus my vision, and I was shaking so bad that I couldn't control my body position. My nurse checked me again. Bad news. My cervix was swelling, and fast. I had gone from 95% effaced back down to 70%, and was now only dilated to a 7.

There was nothing I could do. 38 hours into it, and I had to submit to the c-section.

As we were getting ready to go to the OR (Me, still dying... contractions still kicking my ass) my nurse took over. "Tell me what you need. What can I tell the nurses that will be taking care of the baby?" I told her my wishlist, and she disappeared. I didn't see her again until I was being prepped in the OR.

The surgery went perfectly. Miss E was trying to cry before she had even been delivered, prompting my OB to request that she please at least "wait to be born" before she started screaming. Once she was out, the overall mood lifted. DH went off with the baby while I was put back together. I could hear her crying in the next room, and I couldn't stop smiling. She was LOUD! As soon as they had given her her Apgar scores, wiped her down, given her her vit k shot, they measured her head. The pediatrician looked up at DH and told him, "your wife didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of delivering this baby vaginally." He then explained that normally a baby's head circumference is 32-33 cm. EJ's was 37.5. THIS is why it took so long for her to engage, and why it hurt so much when she finally did. It is also the probable cause for the cervical swelling.

Once she was all wrapped up and swaddled, DH was allowed to bring her back into the OR and sit with me while I was sewn up. As soon as I was done, they lowered the curtain that was over me, and DH handed me EJ. It was amazing.

When we returned to my room, we found that my amazing nurse had set everything up so that I could be there when EJ was weighed and measured, and could even participate in giving her her first bath. It was everything I missed when LJ was born.

8 lbs. 1 oz. and 20 inches long. Sheer perfection.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. And as always, thank you all for being such a great support system for me. There are a lot of things that I know I would not have been able to handle if it weren't for my wonderful friends inside the computer! =)

Happy Tears are for Babies, too.

Hopefully sometime soon I will have the time to post Miss E's birth story. It did not go like anything I could have imagined.

Feels Like Defeat (Not the 200th post I'd hoped for...)

Tomorrow at 7:30 am, I will be induced. All I can do is sit and cry. I feel like such a failure today.

My appointment was... I don't even know. Confusing? My Dr. opened by saying that I am at the point where he would "throw in the towel" but that it was up to me. I am 2 cm. dilated, and still about 60-70% effaced. He told me that the recommendation is to not go past 42 weeks, but that his personal comfort level was 41. I am 40w5d today. He still left it to me. He seemed as if he was genuinely trying to leave the final decision in my hands. I was so frustrated because it seems like he was arguing both ways. "You could go in to labor tomorrow...", "I don't think you're going to show much progress, if any, in 2 days..." "There is absolutely no reason to go past 42 weeks..." "Maybe you just have a longer gestation time. It's all just an average anyway..."

He told me that I didn't have to make a decision right that minute, and sent me for a non-stress test. When I was done (Miss E is still content and happy. Completely perfect), I went back to talk to him. I asked him if I could just wait until Wednesday and then come back in to be checked and if I hadn't progressed further, then we'd reluctantly induce (inducing raises my chance of c-section). He told me that was fine, but then added that he would be going out of town on Thursday and would not be back until Sunday evening. My stomach sank. I know that this is not going to be a short labor. I am planning for at least 2 days of labor. I want to give it every chance I can. But if he is leaving, that changes everything. Most Dr.'s aren't as willing to let me go as long as I'd like, and are even more likely to pressure me into a c-section before I'm ready (as if I'd ever be ready) and I don't want that. I know there is no guarantee that I would go into labor while he is gone, but even if I didn't... I'd be 41w4d when he got back. How much risk am I assuming if I wait that long? And I truly feel that my best chance of a VBAC is with my Dr. But at the same time - I'm not ready. I am not ready to give up this pregnancy. I don't want to feel like a quitter. What if I just waited a few more days? Am I giving up? It feels like I am. DH keeps telling me that I am not. He's more comfortable with EJ coming sooner rather than later, and keeps praising me for making it this far. The crappy thing is that from what we've read, the longer I wait my chances of VBAC go down further and further, and EJ's safety will be more and more compromised. Yes, she's fine now. Completely content... but no one wants that to change, and odds are at some point it would. But at what point?

I have been so set on a VBAC, that this feels like defeat. My cervix is not "favorable" and my Dr. thinks that the "trial of labor" will pretty much be pointless, but he's willing to let me try anyway. I freakin' hate this. I don't want to feel like a failure. Is there really any reason to induce now? Am I really risking anything by waiting until 42 weeks, at which point I will actually be "post term".

I feel so out of control with it all. I am hoping for another miracle. I hope that either A) my water breaks tonight, or my contractions send an obvious signal that I am in labor on my own, or B) tomorrow's induction is all that my body needs to be able to do this, and I get my VBAC anyway.

Please, no negativity in the comments. I am struggling so hard with this. This is not the ending that I expected, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I know that it's not really about how she is delivered. I get that. But it's just another part of the dream that could be taken from me. Please try to understand that.

This is certainly not how I expected to spend my 30th birthday.

(If you know me in real life, please, please, please do not mention this to anyone. I think I'm going to keep the induction to myself. I can't handle a single "I told ya so". Just pretend you don't know anything, k?)

Patience and Annoyance

Seriously, what's the rush? Miss E is alive and well, and I'm not completely miserable. Granted, my mobility is a bit compromised, but I'll survive. I've pretty much decided that there is no reason to preoccupy my thoughts with things like, "when is she coming". I'm just going to stay close to home, and try my best to relax. I only have 2 full days left of my 20's, and only 2 days left to enjoy at home with LJ before she goes back to school.

Have I ever mentioned how bad I HATE back to school? I hate the thought that I am legally required to send my child to school, in the care of a complete stranger, for 7 hours a day. I MISS HER, DAMNIT and I'm not looking forward to it. I know it's good for her, and I know that she loves it, but still. I'm selfish. I love my daughter, and I get sad when I can't talk to her whenever I want. Stoopid school. Oh, and this year instead of back-to-school night they are doing back-to-school morning. YUCK! The first day of school should be a time for the kids to get acquainted with each other and get familiar with their new surroundings (and for mom's like me to be able to sit home and cry in peace!). It should not be "organized chaos" where parents and kids are running from session to session in the midst of all the regular first day craziness. I am highly annoyed. Like the first day isn't crazy enough. And that's just MY feelings. I imagine it is even worse for parents who work during the day. LJ's school has over 700 students. That's a lot of parents that would have to take time off work.

I think it's a bad idea all around.

So, in a nutshell... Miss E is still cooking, and I'm dreading back to school. A lot. It's almost like legalized kidnapping, if you ask me. (a bit of a stretch, sure... but work with me, people!) I have 2 days left until I turn 30, and I'm a little peeved at how I will be spending the day.

Okay, back to sewing. I'm still working on those sleep sacks. =)

Laughing Beats Crying

How did I pass the time on my due date, since I obviously was not birthing a child?

I went shopping. Yesssssss!

I walked the mall a few thousand times with a friend, and did a bit of school shopping for LJ. (3 pairs of cute shoes for $25! I was so proud!) When I got home, I decided to look online for some sleep sacks for Miss E since I couldn't find any in the stores. If you aren't familiar with what a sleep sack is, it is basically what used to be referred to as a baby bunting: A heavy nightgown that zips down the front, with or without sleeves. They are supposed to be used instead of a blanket at night, and have been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS. Anywho... I couldn't find any for less than $20, and I'm super cheap. I decided I'd just go buy the fabric and make them myself. At 40 weeks pregnant - which is so totally a good idea seeing as I have to crawl around on the floor and leeeaaaaan over to be able to cut out the pattern. I am sooooo smart. Genius, really.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. DH helped and luckily the pattern is only 4 pieces. I was pretty proud of myself. I figured out a MUCH easier way to put the zipper in than the pattern suggested. It took a bit longer than anticipated (about 3 hours), but this was with me breaking 2 needles and my serger protesting the fabric and making me re-thread it multiple times. I'm pretty sure I could sew another one in 1/2 the time, assuming I get to the store tomorrow and buy the right needles.

Here's how it turned out:

It's okay... until you look closely. Notice how all the butterflies are upside down? AWESOME! And it's hard to tell in the picture, but the sleeves are on backward. (Told ya I was a genius!)

Yeah, I pretty much rock. Actually, it made me laugh pretty hard. It make me imagine how goofy it will look on EJ, with the little mittens on backward. I used an invisible zipper that is pretty hard to see (hence the term "invisible"), so I'm pretty sure that when she wears it, it will just look like her head is on backward. I'm sorry, but that's pretty freakin' funny! Go ahead, picture it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This is probably what I get for beginning a never-before-attempted sewing project at 10:30 at night. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. I have 7 more to make. (*giggle, giggle, snort!)

Monday Update

4 days of contractions and guess what... STILL at only 1 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. While I was there, he was able to feel a couple of my contractions and he told me that I am "very likely" to go into labor at anytime. *sigh. I'm not that hopeful. After he checked my cervix, I asked him if it was possible to strip the membranes if I went too far over my due date. He told me that he had just tried when he checked me, but couldn't reach. Nice. He told me to schedule another appointment for Monday, just in case.

I had a little talk with him about Thursday/Friday, and he pretty much stopped me before I could begin by saying that he had had a "little chat" with the nurse I had spoken to, and had "ripped into her". Apparently, this is not the first problem there has been with this particular nurse, and he told me how grateful he was that she's "just a part-timer." He told me that he was pretty pissed, and apologized for how "unprofessional" she had been, and that he couldn't believe how she jumped so quickly to the c-section thing. She wasn't very apologetic with him, either, and continued to try to defend her reasoning, which he called "total B.S." It was a long weekend for him and I am really grateful that he took care of it for me. He was in a much better mood today, so I'm wondering if he's just not a "phone" person, and that's why he seemed so annoyed when I talked to him on Friday.

I feel MUCH better. =)

Frustration

Have you ever had an experience that left you a little bit annoyed when it originally happened, but then the more you think about it the more pissed off you got?

That's where I'm at right now. PISSED!

I told you about our fun trip to L&D on Thursday, and left you with the knowledge that I was waiting for my Dr. to follow up with me to give me further instruction. So, let's pick up where we left off shall we? Perhaps with a bit more detail?

When I called and left the message for my Dr. I was told that it was his night to stay late in the office and it was likely that he wouldn't get to returning phone calls until after office hours. I told the nurse that was fine. I had no problem with that. Well, I waited until 11 pm, but he never called. That night was awful. I continued to have mild contractions every few minutes that were making me so sick to my stomach that I could neither sleep or concentrate on anything else. The contractions themselves weren't really painful, just uncomfortable at times - pretty much the exact same as they were during our time in L&D earlier in the day. As soon as the office opened the next morning, I called. The nurse explained that my Dr. was out of the office and that out of 10 providers there was only ONE there that day, and that he was overbooked and in no way could take my call or see me. When the nurse asked what sort of issue I was having I explained; Still having mild contractions every 2-3 minutes apart, and horrible nausea. I told her that pretty much nothing had changed since I left labor and delivery. I told her that I didn't need to go back to the hospital, but I was wanting to talk to one of the doctors so that I knew the warning signs for when I DID need to go back. Since I was already having contractions closer together than the 5 minutes apart that you would "normally" go to the hospital, I was at a loss. I have no idea what I'm doing! And since this same nurse had sent me to the hospital originally, and told me that because I was wanting to attempt a VBAC my Dr. wanted me to go get checked if "there (was) any tightening or contraction-like feeling at all", it made it even harder now that I was sent home while having regular contractions. I was just looking for instructions since I wasn't given any when I left the hospital. Period.

She asked me a bit of history, and then proceeded to get all intense and scary. She looked up my chart, and when she saw that I had a previous child by c/s for "failure to progress", she freaked. She told me that I needed to go back to L&D because contractions 2-3 minutes apart are just "too close". She asked me if I was willing to do a c-section today. When I told her "no", she told me "then I'm not even going to page Dr.___, since the only reason I would be calling is to ask him to do the cesarean." She then asked me to hold while she went to consult the Dr. that was in the office. When she came back she repeated that I needed to go back to the hospital. "Now is not the time to be holding out for a VBAC just because you don't want a c-section. You need to think about your baby. "We don't want her to go into distress. She will be stressed enough just going through the birth process." Every time I told her that I didn't feel like anything had changed since I was at the hospital she'd say "yes, but today is a new day, and those contractions are just too close." She told me that she had had 3 c-sections. After the first she just wasn't willing to "risk it." When I asked her why, if they were too close did they send me home in the first place, she changed the subject.

I just about lost it. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! First of all, these contractions are just about worthy of a laugh. Barely strong enough to be felt, and obviously not strong enough to be changing my cervix at all or they would have kept me at the hospital. My only real complaint about them is the nausea that they are causing. Miss E had been fine and was keeping with all of her normal patterns of movement and sleep times, all the way down to when she gets the hiccups.

By the time I hung up the phone, I was in tears. She made it sound like I had to go to the hospital and if nothing had changed, I had to have a c-section. She made me feel selfish for wanting to wait, and stupid for believing that nothing was wrong and like I was risking EJ's life by being hesitant.

As we were about to walk out the door, my phone rang. It was my Dr..

He sounded so annoyed that it made me feel guilty. I hadn't even expected him to call. I'm not sure if the nurse ended up paging him, or if he was just then getting around to returning my call from the day before. I explained to him what had happened at labor and delivery the day before, what was currently happening, and then what the nurse had said. He told me that the longer I stayed home, the better my chance of a VBAC. "The less intervention, the better." He said with the contractions they way there were, he wasn't worried. "It could be Monday" he said. As long as I didn't go passed 41 weeks, I was fine. He told me that the nurse I spoke to was "kind of a dweeb", and that I was fine to stay home as long as I felt the baby was fine, and that I didn't feel any significant changes.

That was all I needed. I was so relieved that I ended up hanging up, and going to bed. I slept until 3:30 pm. I'm not sorry.

But now, here I am getting more and more pissed. He was soooo annoyed on the phone with me. He made me feel better with what he was saying, but so embarrassed to have needed him in the first place. Like I was calling just to bother him. Okay, I get it. I know that he had a busy day the day before, and he told me when he called that he was on-call for the entire practice, but still. I changed providers at 21 weeks so that I could have a Dr. that was more accessible. I have NEVER called or paged him before this. I am not one of those patients that calls everyday with a new issue, and I have pretty much been grateful for every single moment of this pregnancy and tried my very best not to complain about ANYTHING. The only thing that I have even brought up to him is the swelling in my legs and only because a) The swelling is very much uneven and my left leg is twice the size of my right (and that's saying something!) and b) I can barely walk by the end of the day. They get so big that the bottom of my feet round to the point that my toes don't touch the ground. Seriously. It's gross, and it HURTS! There I said it. Not everything has been wonderful, but I have done my best to ignore the bad parts. I am pissed that he treated me like such an inconvenience. My whole conversation with him was less than 5 minutes. Really, is that so much to ask?

And the nurse... oh, the nurse. What a freaking joke. I can understand her concern if there had been more to what was going on. If the contractions were more painful, or if my water had broken. If I had a fever, or if Miss E wasn't active. But nothing like that was happening. I was in the EXACT SAME SITUATION that I had been in when the nurses in L&D (and I'm assuming my Dr. since I'm pretty sure he had to give the okay to release me) had deemed safe enough for me to go home the day before. I just wanted some reassurance, and to know what to watch for for "real" labor. I know that this is something I can't play around with. Even though the risk is minimal, there is a risk of uterine rupture because of my prior c/s. If that happens the result is NEVER good. So why was it so hard to just get some simple information? It was my understanding that that is EXACTLY why we go to Dr.'s in the first place!

UGH! I have an appointment on Monday and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel bitchy enough to walk in there and rip into the Dr., but at the same time, I'm not sure it's the best time to piss him off, ya know? As far as the nurse goes, I will be speaking to the office/nursing supervisor. Her behavior was simply uncalled for. Just because she was so willing to have a c-section 3 times does not mean that it is right for everyone. If it comes down to that for me - then fine, but I at least want to TRY to avoid it.

How would you hand this situation? Would you let it go, or would you feel comfortable approaching the subject with the Dr.?

Chances are, I'll cool off before my appointment, but this is how I'm feeling now and boy, do I feel better getting it all out. If you made it this far - thank you. I know it was a long, jumbled post.

Psych!

Another trip to L&D. This time it was super annoying. I called my Dr. this morning because I was so nauseous that I was in tears. The waves of "OMG, I'm going to vomit!" were intense, and actually came in waves. The top of my belly would tighten (painlessly) and I would swear I was going to puke. However, it was nothing I would call a contraction.

Well, because I was having some tightening and am trying for a VBAC my Dr. sent me to L&D just to be safe. (I was hoping for some zofran and a list of things to watch for.)

It took forever to get back to a room, but once hooked to the monitors I was pretty surprised to watch the little hills appearing on the screen. Every two minutes. And I could feel these ones! It was what I was calling my "waves of nausea" before. Nope, not tummy issue, just contractions. HOLY CRAP, REAL CONTRACTIONS!! I was still nauseous for sure, so they hooked me up to an IV and gave me a big 'ole dose of zofran along with a bag of saline. I felt SO. MUCH. BETTER! Now the only time I thought I was going to puke was at the peak of a contraction, which somehow got stronger after the meds. Maybe I just could feel them better without the sick feeling?

So, imagine my surprise (*eyeroll) when I was STILL only at a 1, and 70% effaced. =( They had me finish my IV and then sent me home. I am currently waiting for my OB to call me so I can ask him what this all means. Before - he had told me that regular contractions were labor contractions. Braxton Hicks are not regular and often can't even be timed. So what the hell was this? I wish they would have had me stay just a bit longer so that they could have at least checked me one more time before I left. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was a bit exciting. With LJ, I didn't get to contractions like these until day 2 of Pitocin. Hopefully, this is a good sign, right?

For now, here I sit... at home. Contracting every 2-3 minutes with varying intensity (nothing too painful, just uncomfortable and sometimes making me hold my breath), waiting for my OB to call.

Sorry I have nothing more exciting to report... but hey, it's a start, right?

Less Than Perfect (an epic, long post)

Today's appointment was disappointing. I'm still stuck at 1 cm dilated (that's 3 weeks in a row in case you were wondering), and only progressed to 70% effaced. It's not looking good for my much hoped for VBAC.

My Dr. said that he has seen things change very quickly, yet the pessimist in me has already convinced me that this isn't going to work. At this point, if I don't dilate at least to a 3 on my own, the VBAC is doomed. He told me today that he simply didn't see the point in trying if I can't get that far on my own. If I don't get to a 3 by 41 weeks, c-section it is.

Here's the other part that sucks.

My due date is 9 days away, with my 30th birthday only 5 days behind that. Remember my original goal? I was going to be done having kids by my 30th birthday. (Granted, when I made this plan, I was naive enough to think that plans actually came to fruition and that I'd have my 4 babies by then! The nerve!!) Now, I know that the original plan went out the window, oh say... 8 years ago... but this was just one thing that I was looking forward to. "At least I'll have 2" I thought. Well, it's not looking so promising. I know it's silly, but it bugs me.

Another part that sucks? LJ goes back to school on my birthday, too. If I go to 41 weeks, it will be the middle of the first week of school. I had this vision of us being able to just spend some time at home - just the 4 of us - getting to know each other, and bonding as a family before LJ got thrown into her school routine. I know it will be difficult enough to adjust to having a baby in the house, but that and school at the exact same time? It may be a bit rough on her.

I know I'm totally missing the big picture. Either way, when this is over I will (hopefully) have a real-live baby coming home. That's the whole point, right? The method of delivery really doesn't matter. And yet, it does to me. A lot.

I need this. I need my body to prove to me that I was meant to have children, that I can at least give birth ON MY OWN and that my body isn't completely faulty. I know to some that sounds so crazy, but it is truly how I feel. Personally, it is a huge deal to me. I need to do this. I actually need it. I think it's the final piece of the puzzle that I lost, something to help me feel whole again.

Besides, with LJ, I missed out on SO MUCH! Granted it only takes a few minutes to get the baby out during a c-section, but what they don't tell you is that it takes around 40 minutes to sew you back up, and the operating room is kept cooler than a normal delivery room to prevent the growth of bacteria. This isn't the optimal place for a newborn, so frequently (as in my case with LJ's birth) the baby is quickly whisked away to be checked out and given their apgar scores. The hard part is that you don't go with them. I heard my daughter's first cries coming from another room. I found out what she weighed by her crib card. I missed her first bath. I had no idea what her apgar scores were until I got my medical records when I found out I was pregnant this time. My mom and my MIL saw her sweet face before I did. (The topic of a whole other post.) When I finally was moved back to my room after surgery and they brought her to me, I was so numb that I didn't feel strong enough to even hold her. They placed her in my arms, but I was so weak that I felt like I was going to drop her. I passed her to DH just to be safe, assuming I'd get to hold her when the epidural wore off. Well, by that time I was being moved to my post-partum room. Once we got settled, I sent DH to get LJ. He returned without her, explaining that they wouldn't let him have her and that a nurse would be in to talk to us soon. When she came in, she told us that LJ had "transient tachypnea." Basically, due to the c-section, the fluid wasn't properly squeezed out of her lungs, and she couldn't breathe.

This was followed by 4 days in the NICU (I know it could be worse), without being able to hold my baby. She was allowed to grip my finger, but I couldn't even stroke her fingers because her respiration rate would increase too much. Oh, and did I mention that the nurse was a troll? She was. Bad teeth and all. It was a truly horrible experience. (At one point she yelled at me until I was in tears because I changed LJ's diaper.)

Do you see why this VBAC is such a big deal to me? It's not the pain. It's not the recovery time. It's not even the increased cost. IT'S THE EXPERIENCE! For me, my c-section was like being absent for my child's birth. Can you tell I have issues?

I want this more than I can ever express. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help my body along. I am stuck in limbo. I don't know how to process this. I mean, I knew a c-section has always been a possibility, but I thought my chances were much higher of a vaginal birth so I didn't really let myself worry too much about the surgery. If it came down to a c-section after laboring for an amount of time I was comfortable with - then so be it. But now, it feels much further out of reach.

Hopefully I will be one of those women whose cervix change quickly, and we'll all be pleasantly and unusually happy to know that I will get to endure (what I'm told is) the horrifying pain that is natural child birth. (meaning vaginally, still haven't decided on meds)

Please, let that be me!

Updates (not a good post if you are feeling sensitive today...)

I have so much to be thankful for.

First, my awesome cousins E, H, and C threw me a baby shower. I am still in awe at how cool it was. And I'm even more amazed that I was able to keep it together for pretty much all of it. I only got a little misty once or twice, but I never let a tear fall. I never, ever, EVER thought I'd get this chance again. I was so surreal to see all these adorable little things and to know that they are for my baby. MY. BABY!!!! OH MY GOSH!!! THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!!! I was humbled beyond belief that so many people came and were so supportive. The gifts were totally just the icing on the cake. It meant even more that they just showed up, ya know? This is such a huge deal to me, and it meant so much to be able to celebrate, actually CELEBRATE with people that I love.

The next day, my besties threw a girls night in my honor. It was amazing. We just chilled out and talked, and ate lots and lots of delicious food. It really doesn't get much better than that. They had all gone in on a wonderful bag-o-goodies for Miss E, and it was pretty much just a perfect night. It's amazing how seemingly "little things" can mean so much. Again, it wasn't about the gifts. Just the love. (How sappy does that sound?)

I have spent the last 2 days running around like a mad woman trying to wrap things up. I washed the car seat and covers to the swings as well as anything fabric even remotely related to Miss E. I used the cash I got at the shower and purchased a Bo.p.py, that I am super excited to make a cover for (it came with one, but I want to make some that match the blankets and burp clothes that I made... why not?)

As for progress that doesn't require loads of cleaning, or driving time... I'm not making much. Actually, I'm not making any. =( At my Dr. appointment on Monday, I was still only dilated to a 1, and holding steady at 60% effaced. No change at all from last week. This freaks me out more than I can tell you. With LJ, my c-section (read: experience that has left me scarred for life) was due to "failure to progress." My OB has warned that if I do not have a "favorable cervix" a VBAC is unlikely. So, I have been overdoing it. Intentionally. I have stayed on my feet waaaay too long most days, and done more walking than I thought was physically possible for me to do, all with the hopes that I will get some good news on Monday and that gravity will have pulled the little one a little farther towards my cervix - enough to put some pressure on the stubborn thing, and it will have progressed a bit (anything, really). I'm in no rush to actually go into labor, but I would really like to help my body along so that when it does come time, no scalpel will be required. (oh, a girl can dream.)

Other than my extreme case of elephantitis from the knees down, I'm am feeling pretty dang good. I manage to sleep through the majority of the night, and I have finally got the acid reflux under control with the help of 40 mgs. of Ome.prez.ole. Mother Nature has decided to cut me a break, and even my allergies have seemed to lessen as of late. I have decided to stop the scale watching and just accept the fact that I will NOT be making my recommended weight. I am stressing too much over it, and at this point, I'm pretty sure it's impossible for me to catch up. I have to let it go. EJ is measuring just over 6lbs. and the doctor says she is healthy. That has to be enough. So my baby won't be all roley-poley. Oh, well. I have tried, but there is nothing else I can do.

So, there's my update. At this point, I have no idea what the next post will say... either "still waiting" or "she's here", so in the meantime, I'll just leave you with some eye-candy of EJ/Miss E from Monday. (She does have some super cute chubby cheeks, no?)

** I promise she's not disfigured. Just an awkward angle skewing 1/2 of her face.