Thursday, November 5, 2009

Selfishness

I feel like a piece of crap.

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have 3 sister-in-laws that are all expecting in April or May. (My due date was June 21st) Last week, this was exciting to me. We were all going to have babies at the same time, and they would grow up being as close as close can be. Sleep overs, birthday parties... they'd be inseperable. And then Friday happened.

Now I feel like a low-life scumbag.

Because I lost so much blood with my ectopic, I stayed with my inlaws until I felt strong enough to come home. Most of the week was fine. Then, today I had a sister-in-law come visit. She talked about buying cute maternity clothes for an upcoming trip - I tried to shrug it off. Then later, another pg SIL came to visit. They both sat and talked to my mother in law about pregnancy symptoms. One can't stand the thought of pizza, while the other wonders if headaches are just part of the territory. Then they joked about the afghans that my MIL has been crocheting for the past few weeks. "Isn't it funny that we're all due (!) just before summer and Mom's making us blankets... hahahahaha!" Then one decided to tease the other about how she gets to pick her afghan first because her due date is a week before the other SIL's. The whole time I sat there feeling sorry for myself. Just a few days ago, I'd be in on this conversation, chiming in that they'd "better leave me that blanket" because it was my favorite, and I had to pick last because I was due last.

I sat there fighting back tears as long as I could, feeling like I didn't matter at all. MY baby doesn't count anymore. I am no longer part of this club. I got kicked out, remember? Finally, I stood up, excused myself to the bathroom... cried like an idiot, then gathered the rest of our things and came home.

About an hour later, my other sister in law (the one that wasn't visiting, for those of you who are lost) called to tell us that she is having a boy.

I feel so horrible. Why can't I just be unselfish and celebrate with them? They deserve this. They shouldn't have to stifle their feelings and experiences because of what has happened to us. I feel so guilty because I can't be happy for them right now, even though deep down I really am. And at the same time, I am angry at them. Of all people, I look to my family for a little bit of sensitivity. How would they want me to behave had the situation been reversed?

I feel so selfish. I want so badly to fast forward to July. No baby showers, no birth announcements, no due date to mourn. It's all just too much, and I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way.

**ETA: Yes, they all new about the pregnancy and the ectopic. They were aware of why I was staying at my inlaws, and both of them even came to visit while I was in the hospital. (which I was truly grateful for. I thought it was very kind of them. They brought up my niece and nephew so that I wouldn't miss seeing them in their Halloween costumes. It was very sweet.)

Later that day, my MIL called my husband to tell them that they were aware that they had upset me, but (and in all fairness, I have no idea HOW she said it, or with what inflections, because it was to DH) "Life goes on..." and "they just want to be excited." (for their own babies)

I'm thinking of boycotting Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure I'll be "sick" that day. I have gone from feeling selfish to being just plain pissed. I think they could have at least let me have my stitches removed before "life moved on."

The emotional roller coaster continues...

5 comments:

JuliaS said...

Ouch.

I was going to ask if they knew you were pregnant - because honestly I can't imagine why they would go on so if they knew, I'm so sorry and you are NOT a low life scumbug. Your happiness for your family doesn't make the hurt you feel for you go away. You are hurting and frustrated - those are normal feelings to have. They don't make you less of a good person, they make you human, and it's okay to be human. It wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't care so much -that means you are a caring and loving person; not an idiot, not a loser, not selfish. This baby was important to you! I'm sorry they weren't more sensitive to your feelings. I wish I could make this better for you - or tell you what to do that would help. Just know that there are those who do understand and will be here, abiding, with you.

Elizabeth said...

You're not a terrible person. It just hurts so much. It was really insensitive of them to talk so much about this in front of you.

Michelle said...

You're not being selfish, you're protecting yourself. Take your time. The emotions and the hormones don't just go away overnight.

I had an ectopic this cycle, and I'm having a hard time too. I really think that the hormone crash doesn't help anything either.

Best of luck, I hope you heal up quickly and can find some peace.

Anonymous said...

I think I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. My SIL was pregnant the same time as me when I lost our baby at 11 weeks. Everything she talked about had to do with her and being pregnant. Even to the degree of, "I LOVE being pregnant because people do everything for you, they open doors for you, they wait on you, etc." I was no longer "special" or a part of the new grand-baby club. No one asked me how I was feeling after a few days. (unless they hadn't heard that I'd lost the baby) It got to be to much. So I told her. I explained how everytime I was around her I hurt. Everytime I was anywhere I hurt. Anytime I saw her swelling belly I wanted to cry (or punch it to be honest). She felt so awful. She explained that when she was around me, she didn't know how to act. So she just pretended there wasn't a problem. It ended up helping our relationship. The rest of her pregnancy she was super sensitive to my feelings. It didn't make my feelings of sorrow go away, but it helped me deal with it a little better. Try telling them how it makes you feel. If it's too awkward to say it to their faces, write them a letter.
Your feelings are so normal. You are not worthless. You have another little angel waiting to come to you. Remember?
Live for them.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Oh my goodness, hun, do not feel bad in any way about being hurt by their talk about babies and pregnancies. How insensitive of them to discuss all of that in front of you!

I guess I should also ask if they were aware of your pregnancy and the ectopic and the surgery, because if they didn't, then maybe it's a little more understandable, but my goodness, if they did, then they are heartless bitches! To have you recovering from surgery and the loss of your baby and to be talking of maternity clothes and blankets in front of you? Talk about stabbing you in the heart!

It is not selfish at all of you not to be able to be happy for them right now. You have just gone through a terrible loss and trauma, and you are in self protection mode, as you should be.

If you need to, distance yourself from them for a while, or maybe try to explain in a simple, tactful way that while you are so, so happy for them, it is a huge reminder of your pain and loss, and it's hard for you to hear about baby things right now. Or, I have found that just bursting out crying and leaving the room (perhaps with a quick "I'm sorry, I just can't handle this right now") when that sort of thing happens can quickly teach people what is and is not appropriate.

The bottom line is that you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this, and it is NOT selfish of you at all.