Selfishness

I feel like a piece of crap.

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have 3 sister-in-laws that are all expecting in April or May. (My due date was June 21st) Last week, this was exciting to me. We were all going to have babies at the same time, and they would grow up being as close as close can be. Sleep overs, birthday parties... they'd be inseperable. And then Friday happened.

Now I feel like a low-life scumbag.

Because I lost so much blood with my ectopic, I stayed with my inlaws until I felt strong enough to come home. Most of the week was fine. Then, today I had a sister-in-law come visit. She talked about buying cute maternity clothes for an upcoming trip - I tried to shrug it off. Then later, another pg SIL came to visit. They both sat and talked to my mother in law about pregnancy symptoms. One can't stand the thought of pizza, while the other wonders if headaches are just part of the territory. Then they joked about the afghans that my MIL has been crocheting for the past few weeks. "Isn't it funny that we're all due (!) just before summer and Mom's making us blankets... hahahahaha!" Then one decided to tease the other about how she gets to pick her afghan first because her due date is a week before the other SIL's. The whole time I sat there feeling sorry for myself. Just a few days ago, I'd be in on this conversation, chiming in that they'd "better leave me that blanket" because it was my favorite, and I had to pick last because I was due last.

I sat there fighting back tears as long as I could, feeling like I didn't matter at all. MY baby doesn't count anymore. I am no longer part of this club. I got kicked out, remember? Finally, I stood up, excused myself to the bathroom... cried like an idiot, then gathered the rest of our things and came home.

About an hour later, my other sister in law (the one that wasn't visiting, for those of you who are lost) called to tell us that she is having a boy.

I feel so horrible. Why can't I just be unselfish and celebrate with them? They deserve this. They shouldn't have to stifle their feelings and experiences because of what has happened to us. I feel so guilty because I can't be happy for them right now, even though deep down I really am. And at the same time, I am angry at them. Of all people, I look to my family for a little bit of sensitivity. How would they want me to behave had the situation been reversed?

I feel so selfish. I want so badly to fast forward to July. No baby showers, no birth announcements, no due date to mourn. It's all just too much, and I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way.

**ETA: Yes, they all new about the pregnancy and the ectopic. They were aware of why I was staying at my inlaws, and both of them even came to visit while I was in the hospital. (which I was truly grateful for. I thought it was very kind of them. They brought up my niece and nephew so that I wouldn't miss seeing them in their Halloween costumes. It was very sweet.)

Later that day, my MIL called my husband to tell them that they were aware that they had upset me, but (and in all fairness, I have no idea HOW she said it, or with what inflections, because it was to DH) "Life goes on..." and "they just want to be excited." (for their own babies)

I'm thinking of boycotting Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure I'll be "sick" that day. I have gone from feeling selfish to being just plain pissed. I think they could have at least let me have my stitches removed before "life moved on."

The emotional roller coaster continues...