Rebel Commenting

I am soooo irritated right now! I have been trying for the last 20 minutes to comment on AnxiousMummy's blog and I can't! When I click "post comment" it refreshes the screen and doesn't save my comment. AGH!

Since I'm having a frustrating evening anyway (close cousin announced today, too!) I am just going to post my "comment" here. I hope you see it, AM! I am excited and nervous for you all at the same time. I hope everything goes magnificently Monday!

My original comment:

If you are worried about timing and triggers, perhaps you could try LH kits? We don't even do the trigger anymore because the LJ kits work so well for us. My RE has me test in the morning with SMU, and again in the evening between 5-9. We do the IUI 24 hours after the surge. My RE is picky though and only accepts results from Clear Blue Easy OPKs. So far they have never failed to accurately predict my ovulation. It's always confirmed by a temp. shift, too.

Best of luck on Monday. I will definitely be thinking of you!

Take that, Blogger! I will comment when I want to thankyouverymuch, with or without your permission!

Again? Now? Really?

SIL #4 just announced.

No kidding. Too bad I don't drink.

ETA: The next day a close cousin of mine announced, and this morning another cousin (we're not so close, thank heaven!) announced they are having TWINS! Who's turn is it today?

Oh, and you all realize it's different when it's one of "them" right? It's totally fine when it's one of US. LOL

Just Breathe

Positive OPK tonight. IUI #8 tomorrow afternoon.

Not sure I'm ready, but here we go.

The Secret Life of Meim

So, in case you hadn't figured it out yet... "Meim" is not my real name. Not even close, really.

It's all part of my "other" life. THIS life. The one that finds me near the middle of my 81st cycle since TTC #2. Here I am, counting needles and OPKs making sure I can make it to and through the upcoming 2WW. And no one in my real life, other than the Hubs knows a thing.

It's just too hard, ya know? I can barely pull it together to push through this cycle. I am terrified of a repeat. Like, nightmare scared about it. It will be so similar in the beginning. PIO shots every morning, morning sickness from hell (the kind that doesn't really mean anything) and the urge to hide in my bedroom until it is all over - the waiting part. Not just the waiting, but the betas. OH, the betas. Can I really handle that again? Living my life in 48 hr. increments? I am beyond petrified. What if it goes bad? What if I manage to get pregnant again, but my betas are crap again? My RE has given me a limit. 3 betas. If they aren't doing what they "should" be doing, it's another round of methotrexate for me (oh, joy!) He told me that from here on out, any pregnancy is "ectopic until proven otherwise." and that I "can't afford to mess around with this." Okay, okay... I get it. Last time was bad - trust me, I know - but I don't know if I can live with that pressure.

Ladies, it's sink or swim time. If I don't move forward with this cycle, I drown. If we go through with it, I choke on a lot of water while thrashing around just trying to keep my head above water, all for the CHANCE that I could make it to shore. I am determined but oh, so tired. I wonder if I have it in me. I'm not that strong a swimmer!

This is what I have to lock away each morning. I can't let the real world know how bad my insides are churning. How every glance at a calendar makes me cringe, and how the thought of starting over makes me cry from the deepest parts of my existence. Every time someone asks me, "how are you?" I struggle to find words. Do they really want to know? Probably not, so my reply is usually "I'm alright, how are you?" I'm becoming an expert at deflection. I had no idea that would come with the IF territory.

Anyone have any pointers on how to get through this next "first cycle?" It is definitely the beginning of something.

**ETA: Sorry I wasn't very clear. Pretty much EVERYONE in my "real" life knows what we have been through, and what we have tried. Usually we are very open about it. I was referring to this this cycle. We have chosen to keep this cycle a secret. This time it's all just too much to share. There would be WAY too many questions, and frankly... I can't stand to answer them.

Warm Fuzzies

Know what else makes me happy? Getting cards in the mail from blogging rock-stars.

Thanks, Niobe. I heart you.

New Beginnings

Today was my HSG. Can I just tell you how worked up I got about this stupid 15 min. test? I was pretty sure I was going to collapse before my RE even got there. Of course, the main concern was my tubes. I was so scared that my right one would be blocked with scar tissue. It didn't help that after he began filling my uterus (without being able to see my tubes) he actually said, "I'm a little worried." He told me that my uterus was "pretty distended" with dye, so we were just going to calmly sit there and wait for a few minutes. I thought I'd vomit right then. The whole thing had been rather painless, but then right in the middle of a question I thought I felt a slight cramp so the tech took another picture. PHEW! The dye had finally spilled into both, that's right... BOTH tubes. Both of them looked beautiful. No blockages, and no sign of scar tissue. My RE gave me the green light to stop the birth control (YESSSS!!!!) even though I'm only about mid way through my second pack, and told me that if I wanted to, we could proceed with another IUI in as soon as 2 weeks. Yes, you read that right, TWO WEEKS! I am soooo freaking excited! Limbo has officially ended! (Can I get a hallelujah??)

Directly following my HSG, I met with my new counselor, Dr. C. She specializes in infertility, and was a wonderful breath of fresh air. Because my HSG ran long (I had NO IDEA I am allergic to iodine, but I'm keenly aware now!) I was only able to spend 1/2 hour with her. She pegged me pretty quick. Insomniac? Why, yes! Complulsive worrier? How did you know? Very goal oriented? I prefer the term "control freak." And these were just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I think we will get along famously.

Today was a good day.