So, in case you hadn't figured it out yet... "Meim" is not my real name. Not even close, really.
It's all part of my "other" life. THIS life. The one that finds me near the middle of my 81st cycle since TTC #2. Here I am, counting needles and OPKs making sure I can make it to and through the upcoming 2WW. And no one in my real life, other than the Hubs knows a thing.
It's just too hard, ya know? I can barely pull it together to push through this cycle. I am terrified of a repeat. Like, nightmare scared about it. It will be so similar in the beginning. PIO shots every morning, morning sickness from hell (the kind that doesn't really mean anything) and the urge to hide in my bedroom until it is all over - the waiting part. Not just the waiting, but the betas. OH, the betas. Can I really handle that again? Living my life in 48 hr. increments? I am beyond petrified. What if it goes bad? What if I manage to get pregnant again, but my betas are crap again? My RE has given me a limit. 3 betas. If they aren't doing what they "should" be doing, it's another round of methotrexate for me (oh, joy!) He told me that from here on out, any pregnancy is "ectopic until proven otherwise." and that I "can't afford to mess around with this." Okay, okay... I get it. Last time was bad - trust me, I know - but I don't know if I can live with that pressure.
Ladies, it's sink or swim time. If I don't move forward with this cycle, I drown. If we go through with it, I choke on a lot of water while thrashing around just trying to keep my head above water, all for the CHANCE that I could make it to shore. I am determined but oh, so tired. I wonder if I have it in me. I'm not that strong a swimmer!
This is what I have to lock away each morning. I can't let the real world know how bad my insides are churning. How every glance at a calendar makes me cringe, and how the thought of starting over makes me cry from the deepest parts of my existence. Every time someone asks me, "how are you?" I struggle to find words. Do they really want to know? Probably not, so my reply is usually "I'm alright, how are you?" I'm becoming an expert at deflection. I had no idea that would come with the IF territory.
Anyone have any pointers on how to get through this next "first cycle?" It is definitely the beginning of something.
**ETA: Sorry I wasn't very clear. Pretty much EVERYONE in my "real" life knows what we have been through, and what we have tried. Usually we are very open about it. I was referring to this this cycle. We have chosen to keep this cycle a secret. This time it's all just too much to share. There would be WAY too many questions, and frankly... I can't stand to answer them.