So, here's my week:
Monday, SIL #4 finds out she's having a boy. I'm slightly deflated, but happy for her.
Tuesday, find out that of course, I'm still not pregnant. Cycle #84 soon to begin.
Wednesday, Start the day with a series of flashbacks and fear of leaving the house. It feels like fall outside, and we all know how well my Fall season went. SIL #1 announces that she'll be induced Saturday. (let the unforeseen meltdown commence)
Thursday, Meltdown bound to continue with the anniversary of my first loss. Two years since we said goodbye to Baby Topaz.
Friday, figure out how to pull myself together enough to finish the 4.2 million baby blankets and hooded towels owed to beloved friends and family and their precious Wee Ones. If I can block out the fact that they are for babies, I can probably get through it. I love giving them, so I'll just have to suck it up.
Saturday, Meet my new nephew. Try not to resent the hell out of my SIL (whom I am truly soooo happy for and excited for this next step of her life) and plaster a smile on my face. Try not to throw up when they ask if I want to hold him. Remember what a blessing he is, and how amazing he will be.
Sunday, stay in bed ALL. DAMN. DAY. (Except of course when I have to start the NEXT diaper cake.)
Today I am not feeling okay. I am not feeling like there is something better around the corner. I am not feeling like I can survive this. I am feeling like a shell of a human being, and that this will never end.
Today, I feel lost. I don't want to be home, but I don't want to be anywhere else either. I don't want to be around anyone, but I can't stand the thought of being alone. I feel nauseated, exhausted, and completely defeated. And yet I feel fiercely confrontational; like I can snap at any second.
Please let me get through this week. I'm not sure how much of this I can actually handle, but I am sure that I'll have to "handle" all of it. What other choice do I have?
Not sure I'll be posting much for a while. I need to collect my thoughts and try to keep my world from completely collapsing. Or, at least figure out how to fake it some more.