Wednesday, April 14, 2010


So, here's my week:

Monday, SIL #4 finds out she's having a boy. I'm slightly deflated, but happy for her.

Tuesday, find out that of course, I'm still not pregnant. Cycle #84 soon to begin.

Wednesday, Start the day with a series of flashbacks and fear of leaving the house. It feels like fall outside, and we all know how well my Fall season went. SIL #1 announces that she'll be induced Saturday. (let the unforeseen meltdown commence)

Thursday, Meltdown bound to continue with the anniversary of my first loss. Two years since we said goodbye to Baby Topaz.

Friday, figure out how to pull myself together enough to finish the 4.2 million baby blankets and hooded towels owed to beloved friends and family and their precious Wee Ones. If I can block out the fact that they are for babies, I can probably get through it. I love giving them, so I'll just have to suck it up.

Saturday, Meet my new nephew. Try not to resent the hell out of my SIL (whom I am truly soooo happy for and excited for this next step of her life) and plaster a smile on my face. Try not to throw up when they ask if I want to hold him. Remember what a blessing he is, and how amazing he will be.

Sunday, stay in bed ALL. DAMN. DAY. (Except of course when I have to start the NEXT diaper cake.)

Today I am not feeling okay. I am not feeling like there is something better around the corner. I am not feeling like I can survive this. I am feeling like a shell of a human being, and that this will never end.

Today, I feel lost. I don't want to be home, but I don't want to be anywhere else either. I don't want to be around anyone, but I can't stand the thought of being alone. I feel nauseated, exhausted, and completely defeated. And yet I feel fiercely confrontational; like I can snap at any second.

Please let me get through this week. I'm not sure how much of this I can actually handle, but I am sure that I'll have to "handle" all of it. What other choice do I have?

Not sure I'll be posting much for a while. I need to collect my thoughts and try to keep my world from completely collapsing. Or, at least figure out how to fake it some more.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

I totally understand that feeling of complete hopelessness. I know I haven't been at this as long as you, but damn it gets hard to fake it sometimes.
I will be a bit sad if you stop posting as a lot of my favourite bloggers are doing so at the moment. But if that is what you need, then just do whatever you can to feel better.
You will be in my thoughts and I know where to reach you if I have something to say. I wish I could be there to sit with you and lift your spirits some how, I guess a virtual hug will have to suffice, though.

Ashley said...

I feel really heavy for you right now. I am in tears over your most recent two posts, and I cannot imagine the feelings you are trying to process. Take time to feel your losses and recuperate. Nothing you have been through is easy, but you are so brave and such a trooper. Thinking of you fondly, dear!

Elizabeth said...

how gutting to have to deal with all these pregnancies and babies all around you in the midst of yet another bfn... hoping some virtual hugs will help a little...

Kate said...

You're being strong. So many of us can understand the kinds of feelings you're having.

Suzy said...

Oh sweetheart I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. I cannot imagine being so surrounded by babies while struggling so hard.

Thinking of you, sending love and peace and the strength to get through.

JuliaS said...

Thinking of you Meim. I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately. I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell you about a wonderful future ahead for you, and also wish for a magic wand to make all your dreams come true.

Be kind to yourself - you are human, having a really difficult experience.

Wishing you better . . .