Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Blur

Well, now you know. Cycle 84- Epic FAIL as well as a total mind suck.

I have been thinking a lot lately. Have you ever had an experience that you know is real, but somehow it seems detached from your consciousness? Like you are going through the motions but for the most part you feel emotionless about what is happening? Or, if you are like me, you have one emotion: anxiety. That is what TTC is like for me.

We have officially passed the 7 year mark of TTC #2. 21 rounds of clomid, 2 years of glucophage/avandia, countless PIO shots, 9 IUI's, and now a Femara/ Gonal-F cycle to boot. What have we gained? 3 angel babies, a lot of tears, and many strained relationships. But here's the thing: I can't stop. Even when I think there is no way I will ever end up with a take-home baby, or that I can possibly go through ONE. MORE. CYCLE. I know that I can't stop. TTC has become an addiction. It has become part of the definition of Meim. It's probably more than that. I can't fathom giving up after all we've done. It's like dropping out of school when you are only a few credits shy of a diploma. I can't let it all be for nothing.

A few of you have asked if we can or will move on to IVF. The only answer I have right now is "maybe." Right now, as silly as it sounds, I don't feel there is a good reason to do it. Currently, our IUI success rate is at just over 40%. (I am not counting the first 2 IUI's done with my OB, He later admitted to a lot of "guessing") I am not really convinced that IVF will give us any greater odds. Our most recent TTC obstacle is staying pregnant, something I'm not sure IVF has any power to fix. I know that we will not continue IUI forever. Right now, we are trying to live in the moment of what is happening and not think too far into the future. I am lucky to say that I have a bit of time on my side. I am only 28, and my FSH is good. We are taking it 1 cycle at a time for now. This upcoming Saturday, our new clinic is having a picnic for it's patients. They will be doing 2 drawings for discounted IVF cycles. One will be half off, the other will be $1,000 off. Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky.

Today I was reading another TTC blog and read down her list of things they have done so far- a detailed recap of their journey. I thought of perhaps adding something like that to my blog, but when I started to type, I couldn't remember. I know the stats, the meds I've taken, and the IUI count, but I can't remember the details. I don't remember what month we did our first IUI. I can't decide when I started the glucophage, or had my first hsg. Infertility has become a giant blur to me. The cycles have all rolled together. I guess it doesnt' really matter anyway. At the end of it all, we still don't have the addition that we have tried so desperately for.

Today is CD 1. Another chance for a miracle. Speaking of which, I have a new niece today and I haven't even cried. How's that for a miracle?

3 comments:

Annie said...

"I can't stop. TTC has become an addiction. I can't fathom giving up after all we've done."

Oh my goodness, we are so in the same place on this! And what really sucks is that this addiction is more expensive than cocaine or meth. But what wouldn't we do for the high we'd get if it actually works?

Penny said...

IVF may be able to help you in the carrying part of it if it is a genetic issue that is the root of the trouble. It is worth pursuing I think.

Sorry about the cycle bust. It IS a miracle you are not crying. I always marked CD1 with profound depression, and then CD2 with profound anger, and then by CD4 or so I was ready for more punishment.

Bummed Uterus said...

I'm thinking we must be at the same clinic. ;) I couldn't talk DH into going to the picnic and I couldn't bear to go alone. I can't believe it was that giant. I don't feel so bad about not paying my bill this month. :)