Clever

So, what do you do if you are a Quail jonesin' for strawberries, but the crazy infertile woman who grows them shoo's you away every time you get close?

Show her your inch-and-a-half long babies of course! ALL SEVENTEEN OF THEM!

Then of course she'll be so overcome with their "cuteness" that she'll have to let you get your fix of those bright beautiful orbs of deliciousness. She'll probably be so distracted that she'll let the hubs have a bite, too! Sounds easy enough, right?
*sigh*, right.

(Mama Quail to Meim: SUCKA!!!)

Remembering

A grain of sand would fair so well, to find its tiny home
Through pain and strife a pearl is born;
Its beauty is well known.

Amazed at how a pearl is made, I think about my own.
Our tiny Babe was nestled deep-
Not where it should have grown.

Yet ours will never be the gem
The sand was meant to be
Instead a precious angel sits above and waits for me.

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Remembering our Pearl baby on his would-be birthday.

Apparently, it's now a collection.

Day 3... again

I had my baseline scan today. 6 antral follies on the left, 5 on the right. I start Femara tonight, and then will up my FSH this cycle ever so slightly from 112 units, to 137. Hopefully that will do the trick.

I saw yet ANOTHER RE in the practice today since Dr. H wasn't in. Dr. HH did my scan today. He is new to the clinic I am going to now, but he came here from my old clinic. Y'know... that clinic that I adore? The one that my beloved Dr. P practices at? Yeah, that one. As he did my scan, we talked about Dr. P and how lovely he is. We chuckled about the antics of my now retired OB, Dr.D, and his hilarious plan to open a "Fredrick's of Provo." (Oh, how I miss him. Come baaack Dr. D!) It was nice to talk to someone who is familiar with all of my previous doctors, and seemingly loves them just as much as I do. (For the record, Dr. HH switched clinics so that he was able spend more time with his patients and not have to worry so much about the teaching aspect that comes with working in a teaching hospital. He did not leave on bad terms.)

The bottom line: I am switching RE's again. Although I miss Dr. P very, very much, and will still probably end up back in his care at some point... I feel a bit of the same warmth from Dr. HH, as I get from Dr. P and I am certainly happy about that.

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I am more than a little bummed to be starting another cycle of IF treatments. This weekend will be incredibly hard for me. Not only is it Father's Day weekend, but Monday is my would-be due date. Sunday we are going to spend time with the in-laws, which means lots and lots of babies. The babies that mine should have grown up with. The oldest and youngest (ours) would have been separated by less than 8 weeks. Now I look at them and see even more of what I lost. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being near them... just not this week. This week I want to remember MY baby and what should have been.

I think the worst part will be knowing that they have all forgotten. It is horrible to feel insignificant to those you love, but even worse when your children are forgotten.

It's just much too much this week. No more, please. I've had my fill.

NIL

So glad I did 2 weeks of particularly painful PIO shots in the ass. It firmly cemented my hatred for the BIG FAT ZERO that was my beta today.

DH and I have decided to to do a few more injectible/IUI cycles. If no success by the end of August - we're moving on to IVF. It sucks when you realize that you are actually at the end of your rope. I never thought we'd have to make a decision like this. It kills me to have to shell out thousands for one cycle, and end up with no guarantees; only "maybe."

I feel sick.

An Unapologetic Baby Fix and Other Rambling Subjects...

I'm sure that most of my readers know, but in case you forgot perhaps I should discuss with you the infant explosion that has happened in my neck of the woods as of late.

On April 19th my nephew L was born. We greeted him at the hospital and offered our most sincere "congratulations" to his parents. They had been hoping an praying for him for just over 6 years when they found out he was on his way. It was a blissful day, and one I will never forget.

May 18th brought the arrival of sweet little H, with her beautiful red hair and super tame disposition. She loves to hold hands and has the strongest neck of any newborn I have ever met.

Just 8 days later, on May 26th, baby A made her debut. She is tiny and petite and has the cutest cry ever. She has this adorable little dramatic whistle-like sound that she makes when she takes a breath as she cries. It is both heartbreaking and adorable all at once.

I have been pleasantly surprised by how much I want to be around these new little ones. I crave feeling their tiny bodies in my arms and listening to their sweet breaths and gentle coos. I am beyond grateful that their mothers are not stingy with the baby-time and allow me all the snuggle time I want. Honestly, I can't say I'd be the same way (hopefully I'll get a chance to work on that!)

The other day, my 4-year-old niece, J, sat on my lap and told my SIL, A, who was sitting right next to me that she was not her favorite aunt. No amount of persuading to make A "one of her favorite aunts" could change her mind. My SIL, W, who was sitting across the way from us asked (while pointing to herself), "J, who IS your favorite aunt?" J, nodded politely and then sat still until W laughed and the conversation seemed to be over. She then leaned in next to my ear and said in a loud whisper: "You are my only favorite aunt" and gave me a super big hug and made me promise not to tell. Although everyone sitting near me obviously heard her, none of them said a word. I guess they all realized how much I needed to hear that. And boy, how I LOVED hearing it. It ranks up there with the feeling I get when I walk into the house and they run to the front door happily yelling "MEEEEEEMMMMM!" and then tackle me in a huge hug.

I have one more SIL who is pregnant, due in Sept. This one I am struggling with. Although I'm not feeling the same way I did, I am still having a hard time with it all. We get a long just fine, but we haven't really talked about it at all. DH and his brother talked (no, really. There wasn't even yelling, or punches being thrown!) about it, and that is where it ended. DH and I have simply realized that there is nothing we can do about it, so we are trying to move on. He and I are currently in talks to negotiate another name. It may take a while. Names are really hard, especially when we were soooo emotionally tied to, and had planned on that name for nearly 5 years. We still may use it, but figured we'd at least try to find another name we like.

Why did I tell you all of this? I don't know. I guess I just needed to tell you that I am doing okay with all the babies around me and I'm not hiding in the pit of despair, like I tend to be doing when there are scarce postings to my blog. We didn't cut any family ties despite current events, and although we are hopeful that this current cycle is a success, we are trying not to focus on it too much. (although we all know how impossible that is. Especially when progesterone screws with your mind and turns you into a hormonal mess, full of emotional mood-swings, and crazy-vivid pregnancy dreams! EFF YOU, PROGESTERONE! YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, AND I HATE EVERY LITTLE BIT OF YOU, unless you make a baby stick, in which case I will sing your praises until my dying day. Just so we're clear.)

If you'd like to share, I'd appreciate any input on boy baby names. We like traditional names, and my qualifying rule is: "Can you see his name as a Supreme Court Justice?" For example; Jacob, Andrew, Matthew, Brandon, etc. Of course none of those names work for us for varying reasons, but you get the point. Thank you in advance.

I was going to apologize for the length of this post, but then I figured, "my blog. I'll post as much as I like. So there." I guess you'll stop reading when you're bored... which was probably somewhere like, 10 minutes ago. =)

Yeah, you know I love you!

How to Save a Life

Before all this crap that is infertility began, I had a goal.

One day at a regular 'ol OB appointment while I was pregnant with LJ, a the ripe old age of 20, I noticed a flyer taped to the back of a bathroom door. It was an advertisement seeking egg donors. I took one of the tear-away phone numbers and called later to find out how it all worked. I knew that in my current state; nearly 8 months pregnant, I wouldn't be able to do anything until after LJ was born, but I wanted to know how long I'd have to wait, what the risks were, etc.

When I called I was a little discouraged when I was quickly told, in a way that closely resembled a mother trying to bribe a child to do something unpleasant, that I could "earn" $2,500 for donating eggs. It made me sad to think that there were probably women out there who did egg donation just for the money. I thought of how they were surely missing the bigger picture. When I thought of being able to give a couple the family that they desired, it brought tears to my eyes. What better gift is there? It wasn't a huge risk for me, and it seemed like such an easy thing to do to help someone else in a major way. I was all in.

Unfortunately, when the time came that I could actually be an egg donor, I made the mistake of mentioning my intentions to a few family members. It didn't go as I had expected, and actually caused A LOT of conflict. By the time it had blown over, we had just decided to start trying for #2. I figured I could always do it after we had our next baby. (*insert heavy sigh, here)

A few years later, a friend of mine had a daughter that was in need of a kidney transplant. Fortunately, my friend was a match and the transplant was completed successfully. But it got me thinking about all the other children I saw at the hospital that were not as lucky. I contacted the Living Donor program in my area and asked for an information packet in the mail. After a few more months (before I ever even mentioned it to my DH) I decided that I wanted to be a living donor. Then, of course when I mentioned it to my DH, he had another idea. He was completely against me doing it right then. After a lot of prayer and discussion, I promised to wait until we were done having children. His major hang up was that if we ever had a child that needed a kidney transplant, I wouldn't be able to donate (if I was a match.) We know that I wouldn't not be able to donate to LJ if she ever needed it, but future children... well, who knows. So, I decided I could again "wait."

Then, about a week ago, I was reading the LFCA and noticed that a fellow blogger had organized a bone marrow drive. I read through her blog, then read through all the information on the donor site. I had NO IDEA it was so easy to be a donor! Many times, bone marrow can be harvested through a blood donation, after 5 days of injections (this is one of 2 ways to donate, the other is surgical.) No sweat! I can do that, no problem! And in 6 weeks, your body has replaced what was donated, and everything is back to normal. What does this mean? Well, you can be a donor multiple times. YOU HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO SAVE SOMEONES LIFE EVERY SIX WEEKS!!! (If you are a match, and meet certain health guidelines) I didn't wait to discuss it with DH, and I sure as hell didn't care if any of my other family members had a problem with it. I filled out the donor application online, as well as the health survey. Then, I was promptly DENIED! WTF? Why?!? Well, apparently because I have 3 bulging discs in my back, I cannot be a donor. Again, WTF!! I am not on medication, I have not had surgery, and my "condition" does not usually interfere with my daily life. Most of the time I am pain free. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Even if I were a match to someone and had to donate through the surgical method (bone marrow is harvested from the pelvic bone with a large needle and syringe under general anesthesia,) this would not worsen my "condition." At most, I would be uncomfortable for a few weeks. Does this really out weight a critically ill cancer patient's need for a bone marrow transplant?!? Hmmm, let's see; Meim being a little sore, or Patient dying. Oh, yes, clearly my back is the bigger issue! (sarcasm better be dripping from your monitor!)

I am beyond disgusted. It doesn't seem right to me, not even a little. I am willing to do it. It is such a little thing I can do, but with such a huge benefit for a sick human being, many of which are children. I called the 800 number hoping to convince them that I am indeed a healthy candidate, but I was referred to the regional office in California. I have yet to get in touch with anyone, but have left several voice messages. What else can I do? Well, I guess I could try to persuade YOU into becoming a donor, too. It is definitely not something to take lightly, but c'mon, what better way is there to become a real-life super hero? There are thousands of people waiting for someone to be an answer to their prayer. Maybe you are it!

Here is the information. If you are willing, please give it some thought:

Living Kidney Donation

Bone Marrow Donation

I know that you can also become a living liver donor, but I wasn't able to find much information on it.