365

Today was perfect.

As I walked around the neighborhood with LJ and my nieces and nephew watching them trick-or-treat, I was so grateful. Beyond grateful. Completely humbled, because 365 days ago, I was laying in a hospital bed unable to be with my beautiful daughter and my family that I love so much.

365 days ago, I almost lost my life. It has taken the entire year to realize that. I. Almost. Lost. My. Life. I downplayed what the doctor told me, and I swept most of my emotions under the rug. I ignored him when he told me how serious my ectopic had been, and how much blood I had lost; how lucky I was that the ER Dr. had ordered the high resolution scan before releasing me. But the fact remains that things could have been SO much different this year, in so many ways.

This year was filled with pumpkin carving, trick-or-treating, family, and even a plethora of glitter and makeup. It was everything I wanted and, even more - everything I needed it to be. Today was bliss.

But today is also the first anniversary of losing - what should have been - our 5th child. Today it has been 365 days since I had to sign my name to the bottom of a form that gave my doctors permission to end our baby's life. I did that. I chose my life over my baby's. And today, for the first time, I realized whole-heartedly that I made the right decision.

I know that sounds crazy. I know that that child would never have survived, I know that I really didn't have a choice... but something about me signing that form will haunt me forever. I wish so much that I would never have been asked to signed it. There is so much guilt.

But ya know what? Today healed a lot of that hurt. And it was hard, and it was wonderful, and it was so many things rolled into one. There were reminders everywhere.

I lived. My baby didn't.

But my daughter, who I am blessed to share everyday on this earth with, has her mother.

And that is what we made today about.

I still have a long way to go, but I guess October really isn't so bad. I will always cringe when I see "October 30" on the calendar, and I will always feel the flood of emotions when I think about what this day means... but I will be here to do it. I will BE HERE!

Yes, today was perfect.

In Which I Admit...

...that I may have a drinking problem.

I was hooked after my first cycle with FSH... now I can't kick the habit. Nice.

Sinking In

I start Lupron today.

I start Lupron today.

I start Lupron today.

Somehow, it doesn't seem real that we are doing this again. And although I'm extremely grateful for the chance, it kinda sucks, ya know? I am just getting to a point where I feel good again. I haven't had a headache for a couple of weeks, my energy level is just starting to pick back up again, I've lost 11 pounds, and I've even been sleeping through the night. But...

I start Lupron today.

Tomorrow's gonna suck.

What the???

My blog is making me crazy!

When I view it, my side bar is below all my posts. Is it the same for you? I have gone into the 'design' tab, but everything looks fine.

How do I fix it??

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is October 15th.

At 7:00 pm, I will light 4 candles in honor of our babies*, and 1 for all of yours. I will remember what should have been. I will pray for a different outcome for this cycle and I will ask for peace for everyone who will forever grieve for their Little Ones.

Please feel free to join me.







*I have never posted about it here, but 5 months after we were married I had my first suspected miscarriage, at somewhere around 10-12 weeks. We didn't even know I was pregnant until it happened. There are many reasons that I don't speak about it here, but mostly it's because this space is reserved for my life during IF. I don't consider my first loss part of that journey.

Must be the weather...

(Warning: I am about to whine about my current struggle as a Mom. Please don't attack, or leave nasty comments. Hopefully, you'll read and just understand.)

October sucks, and lately I can totally feel myself slipping.

The last few days I've felt totally out of control. LJ has become possessed, and DH has been working late the last 2 weeks leaving me flying solo in the parenting department. Seriously, the way this child screams, I fully expect DCFS to knock on my door at any moment! And what's terrible, is that she does it when no one is near her! It sounds like someone is stringing her by her belly-button! The most recent causes? Running out of time to do her homework (she had 3 hours to do a worksheet. She sat and played - in spite of my coaxing and offering to help - and when it got to be bedtime, I sent her to bed.) The next melt down was a few days later because her pencil wasn't sharp enough. No kidding. When DH got home, he went up to see what the problem was, (she was still screaming at 9:30 at night from her bed) and when he couldn't settle her down, he tried to leave her room. She started yelling, "NO, DADDY! NO! PLEASE, NO! DADDY, NO!" in the most horrible way, that it sounded like she was begging him to stop beating her! It was awful! What's worse is that there is nothing we can do to make her stop. Honestly, this began a few months ago, but it's just getting worse. We have tried everything. I thought she just needed more attention, but that didn't help, and neither did a reward chart. Then we tried taking away privileges - she didn't care. We moved her bedtime up a 1/2 hour. No help. I don't know what else to do. I am certainly not going to hit her! In her opinion I am just a "Big, Fat, Meanie!" Her favorite phrases as of late are, "whatever!", and "who cares?"

Granted, this is not an everyday thing. Most days, she's delightful. But this is happening 2-3 times a week. (My poor neighbors.)

I told you October sucks!

A Little "Off"

Something felt weird today. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. This is NOT my favorite month, and I have been dreading October for a very long time. I have felt like I'm on the verge of tears all day.

It didn't hit me until after dinner.

Today I should be singing "Happy Birthday", and watching my child tear into his/her very first birthday cake.

Instead, I'm sitting here working the numbers and praying that I can make things work in time for my next... my last... cycle. (kind of forgot about all the meds involved!)

So, you've got my undivided attention, Little One. I'm all yours for the rest of the night.

We miss you Sweet Baby.

Saint Heather

WE HAVE OUR MIRACLE!!!

Nurse Heather is amazing.

I don't know how she did it, I don't know what she said... but our clinic's office manager (who wouldn't return my calls, and completely ignored every attempt at contact that I made) is going to let us pay our portion in January.

I hope I'm not jumping the gun here, but all indications are that it's a done deal. I even clarified with the billing department today. They have the same impression I do, although none of us have heard it from the horse's mouth, so-to-speak. She's written it all out, and set the terms. Everything short of just saying it outright.

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. H today. He told me that I am "a doctor's worst nightmare" because my cycle was "full of surprises." He would like to up my dose to 300 iu's of Gonal-F, and we will just watch it all very closely. He's still pretty worried that I will overstim, given my high E2 levels. It seemed that they were so closely in check with the FSH dose that we can't push it too much harder without just being stupid about it and putting me at too high a risk. The ICSI should tell us if it's a sperm or egg issue. If we have a higher fert. rate than we know it was most likely a sperm issue but if the rate is about the same, then obviously, it's my eggs. I feel like this is a reasonable way to diagnose it without risking too much, if anything.

Overall, I left with a great feeling about where the cycle is headed. I feel much more confident with Dr. H than I did with the RE I met with last week. I feel like I am ready. I know how much is riding on this, but I feel that I am more prepared. Before, we thought we had a backup plan. This time, we'll be happy with 2 good embies. We'll take what we can get.

Thanks for the prayers. I am so grateful for them. Please keep them coming, but this time for success.

I don't want to sound selfish, God, but I'd really appreciate just one. more. miracle!