Le Sigh

Life is busy. I mean CRAZY busy. Here's why:

1. DH has been slowly moving his office from work to home (and thereby consuming every last bit of free space in my home with LARGE boxes of office equipment... not that there's a lot of free space with all this baby stuff floating around, but still...). It's putting me out of my comfort level at an alarming rate, and I'm going nuts will all of this clutter. I don't do well with change, and this is making me nuts!

2. LJ is wrapping up her softball season with a slew of double headers. Her last games are Wednesday and I'm totally expecting some tears that day (mine!). I have absolutely LOVED watching her games. I will be really sad to see the season end.

3. LJ's last day of school was today. The last 3 weeks have been more than chaotic with all the activities planned. Between the regular school celebrations, and the Spectrum Program's little (and by little I mean all day ginormous) activities, we've been swamped. Zoo, planetarium, Science Center, Spectrum Olympics, chimes concert, decade day, field day, water party, awards ceremony, and economics fair. It's been a bit more than crazy.

4. Yard sale. We are planning a yard sale for next Saturday and it's been a lot of work. We live in a townhouse that is approx. 1200-1300 sq. ft. and we're trying to de-clutter and make room for not only DH's home office, but also the baby. We're also hoping to down-size our 10x10 storage unit by selling a bunch of stuff in there. I cannot express how cluttered my house is right now. I currently have a swing and pack-n-play set up in the middle of my living room - which just happens to be one of the smallest rooms in my home, along with all of DH's office stuff. We're a little squished.

5. Family commitments. Between the in-laws needing lots of help re-landscaping their backyard and my SIL moving and preparing her old house for renters, we've spent a lot of time away from home.

6. Preparations for LJ's next play. Apparently, she's caught the acting bug. She's been begging to audition for a play in a community theater for a long time, but I haven't let her because most of the production dates are during the school year. Plays that last until 10 pm or later on school nights just don't jive with a 3rd grader's sleep requirements, ya know? So, when we heard that our city is doing a production of The Wi.zard of O.z that will run from June 30th-July 5th with all rehearsals on Saturday mornings... well, I couldn't exactly say "no." She auditioned back in April, and was beyond THRILLED to get a role as a munchkin (fitting, no?). We didn't find out until later that it would be my responsibility to make her costume.

Actually, I rather like sewing... especially Halloween costumes. But it's much harder to get into it when it's someone else's idea. And I'm not really loving the idea. Oh, well. LJ's happy so that's all that matters. I am super excited to see the play. Her enthusiasm is contagious! (Oh, and they are having a contest between cast members to see who can sell the most tickets and my girl wants to WIN! She's nothing if not determined!)

So, this is my lame-ass apology for being MIA. I hope to get through the next few weeks alive, and then hopefully we'll get back to our regularly scheduled programming. =)

Shock and Awe

I was laying in bed this morning, cherishing those last few moments before my "snooze" time expired, when my phone chattered next to me to alert me to the new email I had received. I got out of bed, helped get LJ ready for school, and sent DH and the Munchkin out the door, largely forgetting about my email.

As I was loading the dishwasher, my phone chattered again. "Oh, yeah", I thought. Email. So, I logged in.

Subject: "Welcome to your third trimester!"

I didn't believe it. I fired up my laptop and started googling, "when does the third trimester of pregnancy begin?" Guess what. It really is today.

I am still in a bit of shock. Wow! That's really all I got - wow.

HA! (Updated)

Have you ever just craved telling your doctor "I told ya so!"?

I have. It's totally childish, I admit. But hey - I can't help it.

I went for my follow up on Friday and my doctor did some blood work. If you remember, I went in last Wednesday and had my iron checked (just a finger prick) and I was literally STUNNED that it came back normal. I have had an issue with anemia for a couple of years, so I fully expected it to be the issue. I was told that it wasn't. When I went in on Friday for my GD screening I asked the phlebotomist to run an iron panel as well. Call me skeptic, I don't care. My doc skeptically okay'd the test and told me that the labs would all be back on Monday (today). He canned the bed rest and told me just to "move slower" and "pound down the water." Well, I can't really say that I moved any slower (LJ's birthday party left me chasing after 6 9-year-olds) but I definitely gave my bladder a work out.

I called this morning for my lab results. My doctor hasn't signed off on them or given any recommendations yet, but in a nutshell - my iron is completely out of whack. Low saturation, high binding capacity. I can't wait to talk to my Dr. He looked at me as if I were an alien when I requested the test. He told me that if the finger prick test was normal, the labs should be "just fine" as well, and that if they were off that it would be "strange" and that he was going to send me to a hematologist. So, we'll see what he says, but I can't help but gloat in my head. I FREAKIN' TOLD YOU SO!!!

Oh, and the nurse said that my blood sugar came back "a little high" but nothing worrisome. It was 131. I'm not at all concerned. Most of the doctors in that practice don't even blink until it gets to 135... so we'll see what the doc says. I doubt it will be an issue.

Anyway. I just had to put it out there (even if it makes me sound like a total brat!) I'm so glad that the dizziness is an easy fix. Iron supplementation, here I come!

ETA: I passed the glucose tolerance test, but have to see a hematologist on Thursday. I'm predicting a diagnosis: Iron deficiency anemia, with a treatment plan of iron supplementation. Any bets?

Monday, Monday...

Just a quick post to tell you I'm alive... just super busy.

My Dr. put me on bed rest today (lame!) but I will likely get the green-light to go back to normal on Friday when I go in for my glucose tolerance test and a follow up. Just a bunch of unexplained dizzy spells that prompted him to give the order, along with instructions to drink lots and lots of fluids (my poor bladder!) My iron is fine, and I have no signs of infections or anything scary like preterm labor, so this is largely precautionary and nothing serious. Just REALLY inconvenient.

I'm a little freaked out because this couldn't have come at a worse time. LJ's birthday is Saturday, and I have about a million and one things to get done before then. It will take a miracle to pull this off. Oh, and did I mention that DH can't help? He tore a few ligaments in his right ankle over the weekend, and his foot is so swollen and black and blue, that he's supposed to stay off of it and keep it elevated and iced.

Yeah, this was GREAT timing! I just have to get through this week and weekend. Then life will be back to lovely, right? Right?

Coming Out

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I followed the lead of a friend and outed myself on fac.eb.ook.

Like, totally outed myself. And I even changed my security for that ONE POST so that EVERYONE could see it. It was a brief post, but included length of time, cycle count, miscarriages, surgeries, and how many/what treatments we have done.

I feel very exposed. My family and close friends have known all along. But fac.eb.ook? That's a totally different thing.

But... I'm glad I did it. Please read this article and see if you feel inspired to share publicly. Maybe just a neighbor, or a co-worker. The point is: We NEED to talk about this.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dina-roth-port/infertility-the-disease-w_b_819978.html

It's a Duel! (A ramble of sorts...)

You know those days that knock you off your feet for no apparent reason? When you wake up feeling sad, alone, and completely hopeless? I know you do. Infertility is such a soul-sucking thing to experience. There have been many, many days that I didn't want to get out of bed. For the most part, I'm getting over that, but it's not easy.

And now, I feel kind of trapped. I am an infertile woman living in a pregnant body. How weird is that?!? I feel lost. I'm stuck between two "me's" - the pregnant me, that annoys the crap out of the infertile me, and the infertile me that the pregnant me wants to punch in the face and tell to "snap out of it!"

I guess I figured that pregnancy would be all sunshine and rainbows. And it SHOULD BE!! I have absolutely nothing to complain about. My body is functioning as it should, my baby is growing perfectly, and everything is going exactly as it "should". But part of me is so miserable. I didn't think it was possible to be jealous of yourself, but I guarantee that it is.

I am beginning to hate blogging. I constantly fight with myself about what I should share in this space. The truth: I am majorly uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy. It makes me cringe to even think about. And yet, I feel that if I don't it's the same thing as me giving the finger to this whole miraculous event. It's like not saying "thank you", ya know? I don't want to come off as this ungrateful bitch. And yet, if I do post about it I feel like I'm telling everyone still struggling to eff-off (the infertile me included). And the kicker is, I know that this dilemma is completely self-inflicted. I know that I don't have to share anything I don't want to, and I know that this is my space and that if someone doesn't want to read they have the choice to click away. But still... I can't find a happy medium.

I really don't know how to be. 8 years. I have had the life taken from me for the last eight. years. How did I expect to feel if this ever happened? Instantly healed? As if this whole ordeal wasn't that big of a deal? How very, very naive of me.

And no, I am not walking around depressed and melancholy all the time. I just don't want to be the one to make that woman who is struggling cry. I remember those days so clearly; walking through the grocery store and seeing a very pregnant woman with her toddler in the cart, and school-aged child walking beside her, and wondering "why her?" Or what was even worse, noticing a woman who looked to be about as far along as I "should" have been after any of my losses, just another reminder of what I almost had. It kills me to know that there are probably those out there who are looking at me now, the same way as I did those women. I am not oblivious.

Why is this the way that God chose to teach me that life isn't fair?

I have no desire whatsoever to "flaunt" my belly, or bring attention to myself at all. I hate it when strangers notice that I am pregnant and ask me questions. I just want to enjoy this privately; have my cake and eat it too.

I wonder if I will ever get over this. Is there such a thing?

For those of you reading who want to slap me, please do so (figuratively of course.) I know that I have no right to complain. It's just one of those days. And for those of you who are still struggling, please know that I haven't forgotten about you, and that I think of you so very very often. I heard this today and it instantly made me think of all those really hard days. The ones that drain you so completely that you can barely muster the strength to stand. I will never forget those days. They still hurt.

This song is by an LDS ("mormon") artist, Hilary Weeks.

Just Let Me Cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

We’re not just tossed by the wind,

or left in the hands of fate.

But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.

And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...

I dig my heels in deep,

and I fight to keep my ground.

Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.

And there’s nothing I can do but let out...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.

But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...

And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.

But for now...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

I have felt joy,

the kind that makes my heart want to sing.

And so my tears are not a surrender,

I’ll feel that way again.

But for now...

For this moment...

Just let me cry.

I know it’s hard to see.

But the pain I feel.

Isn’t going away today.

Just let me cry.

Till every tear has fallen.

Don’t ask when...

and don’t ask why.

Just let me cry.

"It's so good to see you fat!"!!

Yes, this was actually said to me. Okay, well not to me but to DH - about me. The word "fat" was substituted for "big" when it was said directly to me.

But don't worry. I still love the person who said it. After all, she's IS my grandma! LOL

So, apparently my belly has finally decided to announce this pregnancy. So far I have gone to maternity pants, back to my normal clothes, and now heading back to maternity. DH told me today that I can no longer hide it now that thing are beginning to round out. (Not that I've been trying to hide anything.)

Tonight was probably the most mortifying experience I have had so far. I went bra shopping. Not because my bras aren't fitting, but because I'm tired of being stabbed with escaping underwires, and I decided to move on to a nursing bra. (No, it's not too early. Trust me. I have overachieving ta-ta's. Nursing pads are already needed.)

I began with my normal size. Too small.

I moved up a band size. Needed a bigger cup (!!)

Moved to a bigger cup. Still too small.

Then I was measured.

OH. MY. HELL.

I am in an "F", girls. A. FREAKING. EFF!!!

I almost cried. Then I laughed. Then I showed DH (who asked if he could brag). Then I almost cried again when I realized that this is not the size I will end up as. (I went up almost 3 cup sizes after my milk came in with LJ.)

You know why this sucks, right? Not only is this an incredibly hard size to find... but I AM GOING TO END UP WITH BOOBS THAT SAG TO MY ANKLES and I'm not even 30 yet! I do not want to be one of those women who have to roll their boobs up just so they can fit them in a bra! I can see it now. My bra will look like 2 tube socks sewn to some straps.

Go ahead. Laugh. I am. (kinda)

Before and After.

Honestly, I don't care that much. I was just super embarrassed. At least I got a great deal! 2 bras for $40 bucks ain't bad! =)