Over Before it Began...

Well, at least that's how I feel.

When we arrived at the clinic this morning for transfer, we were promptly ushered into a conference room where we waited anxiously for Dr. H to come in and give us an updated report on how our embies were doing.

He started by telling us that all 6 of the eggs retrieved were mature, which he said almost never happens, and that that was a good thing. Then his expression changed. He told us that as of right now, we still had 2 embies. 1-3 celled, graded fair, and 1-1 cell, graded poor. I started crying.

He said that they had seen poor embryos make it, and women have successful pregnancies, but ovbiously the odds weren't good. He said the fair embryo is where all our hope lies. I cried some more. He said the embryologist was strongly recommending that we do assisted hatching because the zona was pretty thick. He said that it could be what really helps the little guy take off. We agreed.

When we went back for transfer, they got me in the stirrups and all ready to go. The embryologist came in and told us that they had a new fancy-shmancy camera hooked up to the microscope, and he was actually going to let us watch him do the assisted hatching. They put it on a giant flat screen TV in the room, and we watched as he used a laser to etch a tiny tunnel through the zona to help the embryo hatch. (It was pretty cool, and we actually got video, but I can't figure out how to get it from my cellphone onto blogger.)

Dr. H inserted the cathedar, and told the embryologist (Dr. R) that we were ready. He cheerfully replied, "loading 1 embryo". Wait. What? I quickly said, "no, 2, right?" He looked at me all confused, and Dr. H clarified. "1-3 celled, and 1 poor." Dr. R called back, "oh, the requisition just says one. Why are we doing both? The poor embryo never cleved. It's arrested." I started sobbing. Obviously, both Dr. H, and Dr. R didn't quite know what to say, so Dr. R finally offered to load it as well. "We can tranfer them both, Meim, if you want us to." "What's the point?" I asked. "It would be like tranfering the ones that didn't fertilize!" "That correct" he said. "I'm sorry for the confusion" said Dr. H. "I misunderstood Dr. R and I's prior conversation."

[MB before the assisted hatching]

So, in went one embryo. 3-celled, with a "fair" grading. When it was over, and I had managed to stop crying, Dr. H asked if we had any questions. I asked him if single embryo transfers were ever as successful with "fair" embryos, and he answered that they didn't usually do single embryo transfers unless the embryo was graded "good" or better.

Yeah, I'm screwed. I feel like this was all for nothing. I am angry because instead of getting answers, all we have are more questions. Was it the sperm or the egg? They don't know. Is it possible for us to have better success with ICSI? They don't know. They can't tell if the sperm actually made it into the eggs, but didn't fetilize, or if they didn't get though at all. They can't tell us anything!

And to make things even better, Dr. H told me to be watching for signs of OHSS. With my estrogen levels being as high as they were and only getting 6 eggs, he said that it is still a very real possibility. Nice, huh?

Also, in addition to the PIO which we all know I just LOVE, I am also on heparin twice a day to give this little embie that we've named, M.B. (maybe baby) a better chance of implanting, as well as to help prevent another ectopic.

I feel pretty close to hopeless. I wish we never even did this.