The Things I Couldn't Say

Beta was negative.

There is nothing left to heal me. This time, defeat brought so much more than usual. It brought the end.

We are being forced to be done. We are out of miracles. We just found out that our infertility coverage ends January 1st; 2 weeks exactly before DH gets his bonus that would allow us a second chance. Our clinic won't wait. Our portion is due by November 13th. We don't have it now, and won't by then. Our credit cards are maxed, we have already borrowed against our retirement. We don't qualify for bank loans, and our family can't help us. There is nothing else. I never thought a mere $3,000 would cement our fate. (and how pathetic are we, that it does?)

I met with another RE, Dr. W, this week. We were offered a free consultation, and even though it is over 1 1/2 drive one-way, I figured I'd give it a try. After the consult, I left even more defeated.

He is convinced I have bad eggs. He says we need PGD, and even then doesn't think we have a great chance. Most of this is centered on my AMH (antimullerian hormone) level. Mine came back at 1.1, which my clinic said was fine - anything over 0.7 is "normal" in their opinion. Dr. W disagreed completely. He told me that if we cycled with him, he would double my FSH to 450 iu, and add menopur instead of the low dose hcg. He seemed very willing to risk a cycle just to find the "why's". It was as if the puzzle was more appealing than actually ending with a healthy pregnancy. When I expressed concern with my embryos not making it for the extended culture he wants to do, his reply was "then they wouldn't have made it in your uterus, either."

I left in a haze. If I cycle with them, they will allow me to pay my financial portion in January. But honestly, my gut told me to run! They don't have any statistics listed with SART, and their sister clinics had much lower rates than my current clinic. When I asked Dr. W about the clinic's current success rates, he arrogantly said, "oh, 55, 65%. Very respectable. Very high!" I didn't believe a word. The secretary had told me that their rates were comparable with their other clinics (roughly 40%) but the Dr. made an excuse that the reason the other clinic's rates were low was because they couldn't include data from clinical trials they had done (the trial patients rates, he claimed, were over 70%). But that just raised more questions for me. What about all the prior years reported? The rates were all about the same, some much lower.

It felt like a trap. One that I can't bring myself to step into, no matter how desperate I am. I can't risk my dreams, and my health.

I don't know what else to do. I can't fathom trying to cope with the fact that the last 7 1/2 years were for nothing. That having LJ was a fluke, and that we will never have the family we have so desperately tried for.

I don't know how I will ever accept that it is all actually over. When I hoped for things to "end", this is not exactly what I had in mind.