Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Happy Faces

I am stuck. I feel like I have nowhere to go.

The handful of people that know about this pregnancy are beyond optimistic. Everyone is full of sunshine and rainbows, and practically spewing positive energy. Everyone is so dang happy. Like they don't have any doubts at all.

And I feel like a big, fat LIAR for playing along!

I know that this could all be ripped away at any moment. I know that although we've made it farther than we ever have (save LJ), we aren't THAT far, ya know?

DH's parents know. We couldn't get around telling them, and my MIL is so optimistic that she's already bought a "little gift". DH wants to tell his siblings on Christmas - or sooner.

I think I'm going to barf.

I WISH I had that much confidence. I can't imagine telling everyone, only to go to our appointment on Thursday and see that there is NO heartbeat. What then? How would I face them all... AGAIN?

I am getting so irritated. Every time DH and I talk about anything pregnancy related and I preface my words with "If", he always corrects me and says, "no, WHEN." I feel like all my VERY VALID fears are being ignored, by everyone. I know that if this pregnancy continues that I will always feel some anxiety, and I will never get over what has happened. I'm not completely naive. IF scars. The wounds may close, but they will always leave their mark.

I am trying to focus on little goals. The first 2 I've checked off: rising betas and an intrauterine gestational sac. Excellent. The next one is the biggest for me. I NEED TO SEE A HEARTBEAT! From there I will survive on the odds. They would definitely be in my favor at that point. I know that no pregnancy is ever guaranteed, but a heartbeat just might be enough to let me sleep at night.

I want this more than anything. I am doing everything in my power to keep this little bean tucked in and growing. But I've done that before. 5 other times, in fact. And yet... it's only worked once. How do you get around that? How do I sweep that under the rug and just pretend that this pregnancy is a sure thing? There is a huge difference between positive thinking, and lying to yourself... and I don't know where that line is. I am just trying to be realistic. Not negative, not ungrateful, and I'm certainly not expecting the worst. I'm just trying to be Smart Suzy, not Debbie Downer. It's just that it's soooo early, ya know? Even my RE has surprised me. He didn't mention one "if" at my appointment. He talked like it was all guaranteed. He even told me to make an appointment with an OB for the first part of January.

I don't want to be told that everything will be fine, and to just let it be. It just makes me feel like I'm creating drama. My feelings are real and they are NOT unfounded. I'm not saying that I don't want people to be positive, just not overly so. Acceptable: "Congrats! I'm crossing my fingers for you!" Unacceptable: "When do you want your baby shower?" Acceptable: "How far along are you?" Unacceptable: "Where are you delivering?" Can you see the trend? Please, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I am feeling so very, very overwhelmed.

Damn you, Infertility. You have screwed me out of another BFP. Is it too much to ask for a little joy? I fought hard for this. So hard, I've lost part of myself. A part I will likely never get back. And yet, most days I'm okay with that. I voluntarily gave it up, with my sights on a higher goal. One that is now very much within my reach. But I still feel like I'm at war. I want to rest. I want to be happy. But most of all, I just wish the people around me would "get it".

Bottom line: I'm pregnant. I hope with every bit of my being that I stay that way - but it is not a sure thing. I just need someone, preferably IRL, to tell me that they understand, that I'm not jinxing myself because I'm not 100% sure (I'm at least 75% sure, that's something, right?), and that it's smart not to get my hopes up too far.

I don't think that's too much to ask given our history, right?


eep6 said...

Right. You're protecting your heart because of how much you've been hurt. People need to understand that and hold off on the champagne for the moment.

One step at a time!

Big hugs.

projectkjetil said...

Here from LFCA to say that I hope you get the IRL support that you so richly deserve. You have worked so hard to get here, and I hope that the scan goes well. Hope hope hope.

J and E said...

I completely understand. I was right there 9 months ago. I would wait to tell people until after next Thursday. Just so you have peace of mind when you tell them. But don't feel dumb or dramatic if you still worry like crazy even after you see that little heartbeat. Infertility is a bitch. I secretly worried everyday until I held my baby in my arms. Your not crazy. Infertility has just screwed with your thinking. One thing that helped me when my thoughts started to get the best of me: picture a river and when you have a scary thought about your pregnancy, place that thought in the river and let it float away. Try not to dwell on those thoughts too much.
I hope that helps. I love you and I do understand. Hang in there.

A. said...

I completely understand how you feel. I don't have any sage advice, but I am thinking of you and praying that this will be a healthy pregnancy with a happy ending for you.

Ashley said...

Ugh. I totally understand. However, what I decided is that any time I had trepidation or fear or anxiety, I would just replace that negative energy with something positive. If nothing else, say things like- I am doing the best I can to make this a beautiful pregnancy. I am taking care of myself so this baby will continue to grow. I am so thankful I am pregnant and will cherish every day. Infertility is a part of my life, but it will not take away the happiness and joy I feel to be pregnant.
Also, when other people said things like you mentioned in your post, I would thank them for their well wishes and tell them that you need some time to process it all. And then in your head, repeat some of those affirmations I listed. Take care, friend. Right now, just think positive thoughts and let the negative try to run out of your head. I know it is hard, but for your baby, you have to try to let go of that fear. Thinking of you and very excited!

Annie said...

Oh my, we are SO on the same page. After seeing a heartbeat I emailed family and some friends with the news to ask them to pray for our little one. It helps that they are all far away, but I FEAR the news getting out here. I cannot deal with the giddy reaction that is sure follow (esp at church). It is hard enough to keep my own expectations in check. I do not want the job of bringing the expectations of others in line with reality.