Thursday, March 12, 2009


WARNING: Ranting and rambling (probably incoherant)post to follow:

I think that for the most part I'm doing okay, but I'm not really sure. I'm kind of in this numb state. I don't really feel all that down, but I know that I'm not back to normal. I know that this miscarriage is affecting me, I'm just not sure how. I'm kind of lost at the moment. I don't really feel sad, but there is definately something different.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm depressed (in a very secretive way). I know that that sounds wierd, like, "wouldn't you know if you were depressed?", but I'm really not sure. For the past 3 days, I've barely gotten out of bed. Actually, the only times I've gotten out of bed are to get the Munchkin ready for school and then later to pick her up. My grades in school are awful, and I'm curious if I will even pass all of my classes. I quit a job that I loved so that I could focus on my family and all the IF stuff that is in my near future, and yet here I am... still in bed. I have zero motivation to do anything. I feel really guilty about it. It's not that I sit and think about the miscarriage all day, and actually, it seems to be a very fleeting thought when I DO think about it. Yet, it's the only excuse I can think of for my current behavior.

I'm so confused. I'm not sure what is next for me. I have yet another appointment with my RE on Monday for a sonohistogram, but I'm not sure what I am going to follow that up with. He is going to make me wait for 2 complete cycles before we can try again. Somehow that isn't all that disheartening to me. I think I have come to a point where I really need to have a serious discussion with my hubby and RE about how far we are willing to go. We are quickly coming up on our 6 year anniversary since TTC #2. When is it long enough? When does "just one more cycle" become too much? And yet, I'm not sure that I can stop. TTC has become so much more than a quest for a baby. I'm not sure, but it may have just become a battle. Something for me to conquer. It has been so long, that I honestly can't imagine myself with a real baby.

Maybe that is part of my guilt. This last pregnancy wasn't real to me. I had absolutely zero hope that it would last. For the first week I pretended I hadn't seen 2 lines. I could not imagine a growing belly, or a hearbeat on an ultrasound screen. There wasn't a bit of excitement in me. And then, when my beta's went up, and I thought there might be a possibility of making it... I tried to make it real, yet it still felt like a lie. Was this God protecting me? A woman's intuition maybe? Who knows, but I feel like crap about it. And... I'm pissed. Why can't I get excited? When will I see the miracle of a positive hpt as a blessing and not as "here we go again."? I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, pregnancy can't really happen for me. Apparently that ship has sailed, and for whatever reason, I fell off the boat.

I swear, I'm bi-polar. (if you don't believe me, read my other posts. Pollyanna, Doomsday Debbie, Pollyanna, Doomsday Debbie. I guess I'm the latter today.)

Another thing that completely sucks about this IF crap... if you haven't guessed, I'm LDS (better known as Mormon). I have nothing but love for my religion and (most of) the people in it. (And since I know you're wondering, no, I don't have horns, no we're not polygamists, there isn't anything freaky going on in the temples, and we absolutely do not believe our underwear are magic! Oh yeah, and we are 100% allowed to think with our own brains, even when it comes to... ahem... voting issues. Believe it or not, we are actually individuals. Astonishing, I know.) However, being LDS - especially in Utah is hard sometimes. It's true for the most part, that we have large families. I would guess that the average LDS family has 3-4 kids usually around 2 years apart. Sometimes more, but overall I guess I'm probably close. My husband's family had 6 children, and his mom came from a family with 10 kids, my mom from 8. And then there's us. One child. Yeah... we're pretty much the square peg shoved in a round hole. Don't get me wrong... I absolutely know how lucky we are to have our daughter. I in no way want to minimize how grateful we are to have her. It's just that, this is not what I expected. This does not happen in "our world". It makes us feel like so much more of an outcast. We have been married 9 years, and have 1 child. That is so not normal here. My heart absolutely pours out for LDS women who have no children. What kind of hell must their lives be like? Even though it is almost always pointed out in marriage ceremonies that our very marriage is a creation of a family... most of the members haven't caught on yet. It causes some serious issues for me.

Something very strange happened to me the night I found out my beta's were falling. I was laying in bed crying, almost in hysterics, and I could not bare to think of October. It was the most horrifying thought to me. I cannot fully express how overwhelming it was. It was like my mind would approach the date, and my whole body would revolt. I don't think it was the actual date, but a culmination of everything represented by October 5th. I have NEVER experienced something so powerful. It was the most horrible, crushing thing I have ever felt. I couldn't imagine overcoming it. I was going to be like this forever. Even now, reading back over these words... I can't make it come out right. It was torturous. I truly cannot find the words...

At some point, I fell asleep (or blacked out, I'm not really sure). I don't remember dreaming, and I woke up just fine. So "fine" that I was scared. There is no way that I got over that experience in a few meger hours. I am still terrified of it. When is it going to come back? Is it going to hit me when I least expect it and be 10x worse? I really feel like there is something wrong. Seriously, what the hell just happened? Have you ever been petrified of yourself? I am... right now. Absolutely terrified all the time.

Actually, this post is starting to freak me out. I didn't really realize that I had so much to say. Sorry.

I want a baby more than anything... I think. I don't know if it's heart or habit saying that. I feel like a ghost.

I guess what this all boils down to is, now what? What am I supposed to be doing? What is the "right" thing to be doing? Sometimes I really wonder if I'm losing it. I don't think I could ever deal with "giving up". Yet, in the same breath I don't really know how I feel.

My RE gave me a worse-case senario of having an 85% chance of a successful pregnancy. Shouldn't that be reassuring to me? I have gotten pregnant twice in the last year, without fertility drugs. He says that I "don't know what a big deal that is". It sure doesn't feel like a "big deal". After all, all I have to show for it is a lot of soggy tissues and a depleted bank account.

I really don't think it is ever going to get better than this. How is this my life? Will I ever be me again?