Monday, May 25, 2009


Have you ever felt like you were run over by a figurative bus, either emotionally or physically? Well, that's me right there, sprawled out on the pavement looking up at the sky and wondering what happened.

Today is a low point for me. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm struggling. I'm sure that the fact that my baby just turned 7 is no help, as well as the completely unexpected, and shocking news that my cousin adopted a baby girl this morning. I've very happy for them, but a little hurt that I was never privvy to the information that they were even looking in to adoption...I feel completely blind-sided. I didn't realize that I actually need time to prepare for these kind of things. Trust me, this realization isn't one I'm proud of.

When is it enough? I know that no one can really answer this question for me, but it doesn't stop me from asking. SIX years now. SIX! I don't know how to come to terms with my life as it is. I am extremely happy in my marriage, and I have a wonderful daughter, but somehow it's not enough. I am not yet complete, and I can feel it every second of every day. The tears are always close to the surface and I can't shake them.

I know it's completely unusual, but I'm actually grateful for the unknowing comments. For example, last week I had to take LJ to the urgent care pediatrician because she woke up screaming (the night before her birthday) with a massive ear infection. As we were waiting for the doctor, the nurse who was checking us in asked if LJ was the oldest or youngest in the family. I simply answered "the only", and the nurse laughed and said "it's been 7 years now, Mom. It's about time you have another one." All I could do was smile. She didn't know. She assumed that I was "normal" and having only one child was my choice. I am glad that I don't wear my infertility issues like a badge. I feel like it surrounds me, so I'm glad for the occasional reality check that assures me that it is not as visible as it feels.

I think that part of what has hit me so hard recently, is that it just now occured to me that I may be one of those women who people refer to as the one who "can't have kids" (or in my case more kids). When people find out that we are trying, and how long this road has been, I am almost always met with the response of "wow, I would have given up a long time ago!" I have never seen myself like that. Ever. It's not that we "can't" have kids, just that we are having a hard time... right? It's not impossible, is it? Is that really me? Am I the one who deserves your pity, and the sad glances at the very mention of a baby? How did I NOT notice this? I look back on the last few years, and I'm completely mortified. I never realized that people felt this way about me, and now I feel like I'm being crushed under all that has escaped me for so long. I don't want this identity.

I have been run-over, girls. By a small caravan of really heavy buses. I'm afraid to stand up, because I'm sure I'll just get slammed back down.

Today sucks! I hate being roadkill.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Well that's just GREAT!!

This is a purely non-infertility related rant. I'm pissed, and need to vent. Feel free to skip this post, if you so choose.

Next week is my daughter's 7th birthday and accordingly, we have planned our traditional birthday BBQ to celebrate. We always hold this BBQ on the Saturday closest to her b-day, on which ever weekend is NOT Mother's Day.

This year, way back in January, my MIL called to confirm which weekend we would have the party. She was trying to plan all of her summer camping trips and wanted to make sure to avoid LJ's special day.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I noticed on her calendar that she had marked everyday between the 13th and the 17th as "camping". When I asked her about it, she said that it was the only weekend that my FIL's schedule allowed for them to go camping during May. I was really irritated, but decided that there wasn't anything I could do, and to let it go. The main reason that it was frustrating to me (besides the fact that I had told her about the party months ago) is because we are much closer to my DH's side of the family than we are to mine, and that is the family that our daughter has grown up with. They are the ones that are most important to her and I knew how disappointed she was going to be.

In spite of my inlaw's being out of town, we decided to keep our original date of May 16th (LJ's softball games nix anyother weekend), and I mailed out invitations at the beginning of this week. We sent them to all of my brothers and sister-in-laws and their kids (14 people total), my parents, and 2 cousins. We figured that even with my MIL and FIL being gone, we'd still have a decent turnout.

This afternoon, my MIL called me to ask if it would be okay if she got a b-day cake for the Munchkin so that we could celebrate her birthday on Saturday during our Mother's Day BBQ that was planned for DH's grandma. She said that she knew that some of them couldn't make it to her party so she wanted to do the cake instead. When I asked who couldn't come, she named 10 of the 14 people we had invited! They had invited them all to go camping with them! (She hadn't heard back whether the other 4 were going also.)

I am so frustrated, and just plain hurt about it. I am grateful that she wants to acknowledge LJ's birthday, but I am so angry that they are even going. We have had this same tradition EVERY year since she was born. I already felt horrible when I had to tell LJ that her Nana and Papa couldn't come, but to tell her that most of her aunts and uncles, along with the only 2 cousins she has aren't coming is going to be awful! LJ has a very close bond with all of them, and I'm dreading her reaction. She is pretty sensitive, and this is not going to be fun. When she found out that the grandparent's couldn't come she asked me if I though they loved camping more than her. SERIOUSLY! She knows that they go camping for weeks at a time all throughout the summer, with their last trip being the first weekend in October and I'm sure she's wondering why they couldn't just skip this ONE weekend (hell, I'm wondering that myself!).

I just feel like they've kind of stolen her party, and it pisses me off royally. I'm wondering what DH will say. He didn't really want to go clear down there Saturday, and then have to do it again on Sunday for Mother's Day. I'm sure he's not going to be happy.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

A beautiful "first"

To explain the beauty, I must first explain the reason:

For the last 6 years I have heard way too many pregnancy announcements to count. Each time, I have plastered a smile on my face and congratulated the expecting parents. Each time, I have swallowed the lump in my throat, and willed my heart to stop racing. Although I am truly happy for them, I also feel anger, sadness, and crushing jealousy. Sometimes it consumes my mind for days -- thinking of all the experiences the newly-pregnant woman will have. I flash back to my own experience, and feel a huge rush of sadness when I think of how much I took for granted. I am disgusted with myself over how much I have forgotten.

It makes me sick to think that I may never have that experience again. I think of how unfair it feels to have comments made to me of how I should be grateful for the child I have when "there are so many who will never have even one child" (this is my mother's favorite response to our TTC). To me, that seems so cruel to say. It insinuates that I am ungrateful for my daughter (which could not be further from the truth) and that I am selfish. I am treated as though having another child of my own would be preventing someone else from achieving that same goal. It's not like we are all standing in line for a baby, and by wanting another one I am cutting in front of women who are childless. I honestly believe that we all deserve to have the families we have dreamed of.

I think that those of us struggling with secondary infertility are kind of like the "black sheep" of the IF community. Many people believe that we don't really belong because we have children. Let me assure you, the longing for a child is just as great. Our pregnancies ended up being double-edged swords. Although we wouldn't trade the experience for anything, it makes TTC #2 (or more) even harder. The memories of being pregnant are no longer a joyous thing, but instead cause a great deal of pain. We know what we are missing, and it hurts like hell.

All of these overwhelming thoughts come up every time I hear a new pregnancy announcement... until today.

I read Hope2Morrow's post announcing that she is pregnant with twins. I felt no anger, no resentment, and absolutely no sadness. All I could picture was how excited she must be, and how huge her smile must have been when she found out. I am SO HAPPY for her, and it feels GREAT!

Hope2Morrow is one of the first blogs I started reading when I began my blog, and one of the first people to ever comment. I remember back in September when she wrote a post telling us that her 4th FET had failed. I could barely finish the post through the mountain of tears welling up inside. I'm not sure why it affected me so much more than any other post I had read, but I was so completely crushed for her.

Perhaps that is why her news was so wonderful to me. This truly feels like a 'win' for our team. I honestly can't remember when a pregnancy announcement made me happy all the way through. I have been happy for people, but always with those underlying emotions. I am so grateful for the happiness I feel for her. It makes me feel like perhaps I'm not as horrible as I usually feel. It is an amazing sensation.

Hope, I am elated for you and so glad that you will finally have the family you have wanted for so long. I wish you could see the smile on my face! I am offering you my most sincere and heart-felt "Congratulations". May you remember every wondrous detail, and forget all the pain that lead up to this miracle. And, I just wouldn't feel right unless I also said "thank you."