Saturday, October 31, 2009

The end of it...

Well, things didn't go quite as planned. I am actually updating from the hospital.

Yesterday afternoon I ended up in the ER with a pain in my side that I couldn't explain. My doctors had all told me that if I had any new pains that I should go to the ER. When I first got here, things were hurting, but it got better as I waited for lab results, etc. Then, because I was feeling good, they were going to let me go home. They decided to do an ultrasound just to be safe.

About 1/2 later I was wheeled into the operating room for an emergency laparoscopy. The ultrasound showed a 5 cm mass in my right tube. When they got in there during surgery, they were shocked because my tube had actually ruptured. The mass was part blood clot, part baby, and then there was blood pooling in my abdomen and uterus. They were able to save my tube (they didn't even have to cut it) because of the position of the ectopic. He said that the tube just "looked like a snake that had swallowed a mouse" and he was able to just "milk it" until it came out without cutting. The rupture was at the end of the tube. They removed the pregnancy, and also did a D&C.

They have decided to keep me here an extra night because my labs show that I may still be bleeding internally, and we are having a hard time keeping my pain managed. It actually hurts much worse now that it did before the surgery. My incisions don't hurt, just the area of my right ovary/tube. The doctor who did the surgery was pretty stunned that I wasn't in more pain when I got here, and that it had even ruptured given the low hcg levels I had been getting. He said that most ruptures happen after the beta levels have reached 10,000, and mine was only at 769.

Thank you for all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers through this whole roller coaster. We don't really know yet what we are going to do when this all settles down. My emotions are pretty fried. I will try to update again when I know more about the new labs, and whether or not I will be going home in the morning. I'm sorry if this doesn't all make sense. I am on 3 different pain killers, so I'm sure it's probably a spacey post.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Roller Coaster continues... in a GOOD way (today at least)

So, I called my regular OB for a second opinion. He called me back today and told me that the amount my beta dropped on Friday was within the margin of error for the test, so he asked me to go in and repeat the test. Of course, I wasn't expecting anything wonderful, but to our VERY pleasant surprise, my beta went up. It is still not in the typical range for how far along I am, but my doubing time from the first beta, to the one today is 70 hours.

We repeated the ultrasound to check for ectopic (again) and there was no sign that was happening. He did however, note that because my lining is SO thick (which he said is another good sign that this isn't ectopic) it may be harder to see something for a longer period of time.
He saw an area that looked different than the rest of my uterus, but because of the lining, it was impossible to tell for sure what it was. He said it may be "pregnancy tissue", and that I have to go back next Tuesday to re-check. He said that I don't have to go in for anymore betas because it is obvious that they "aren't going to play by the rules" but that he has seen a lot of pregnancies follow this pattern and be perfectly healthy. We decided that I may just be a "crock pot", and that I cook slower than normal.

My hubby actually pointed out that LJ was consistently 2 weeks behind with all of her ultrasounds, but we know when I got pregnant with her, and we were sure of our timing. She was born completely healthy, (only 2 days before my due date), so we're hoping this is just what my body does.

The only thing that worries me is that my progesterone level dropped a lot from Friday. It is still in the "normal" range, but it dropped by over 50 points. My Dr. just said to increase my injections if it would make me feel better. I am still on a relatively low dose, so I have some room to play with. I started to get a pain on my left side today, which is in the exact same place that I had an endometrioma. It always flared up before AF came, so it kind of freaked me out. Dr. said that my lining looks stable though, so not to worry. He thinks it is more likely that the pain is coming from my uterus growing and stretching the scar tissue in that area (from both my c-section, and the lap to remove the endometrioma.)

Okay, so that was a novel! I am SO glad that I followed the promptings that I had on Saturday and didn't quit the progesterone. OB says it can still go either way, but for now, things don't look awful. I'm just going to hold on to that. Things could definitely be worse.

(BTW,before you say, "yeah, but he's only an OB/GYN..."My OB also deals with IF more so than "normal" OBs. I actually did my first 2 IUIs with him. It was him that sent me to my current RE to see if he had more insight than him. The only thing that my RE changed was to have me time the IUIs by LH kit rather than ultrasound, and took me off of clomid, so I'm pretty confident in my OBs opinion.)

Monday, October 26, 2009

Not over yet

I'm sure you'll all sick of the back and forth nature of my recent posts, so I'm sorry.

However, I have decided not to give up yet. Friday was a HORRIBLE day, but Saturday I woke up with renewed hope. I know that miscarriage is very likely, but so far my body is not showing me any signs that it will be happening soon. I am chosing to celebrate every moment that I get with this wee one. Whether it ends tomorrow, or next week... or hopefully, in June with a healthy birth... I want to know that I have done everything emotionally, mentally and physically to keep this bean happy.

I'm not sure what this week will hold as far as tests go. I am still trying to work out a comprimise with my RE's nurse (I wish I could actually talk to HIM! Heaven forbid!)

Thank you for all your kind words. It means a lot to me. Your encouragement helps me get through all this, and I love you for it.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Black Friday

My beta started falling today. There was nothing on the ultrasound.

RE says my lining is very thick, so I have to follow up with him on Wednesday. He doesn't expect me to actually miscarry for at least a week, because my progesterone is still very high.

So now, I just get to wait, knowing I will never meet the child I am carrying. It is so hard to say "goodbye" before we ever get a chance to say "hello."

Monday, October 19, 2009


My RE's office finally called and they want me to go back on Friday for another beta, followed by an U/S on Monday.

She told me that I don't have to stay in the "no hope" mind set anymore and that my numbers are in the "low normal" range. She said that she was absolutely "stunned" when she saw my beta report this morning, and that they are all excited for me. We all thought it was over after Wednesday's beta that only rose 3 points.

I'm starting to get excited... I hope it lasts!!

Thank you for all the comments through the last few days. It has meant so much to me! More than I will ever be able to tell you all. And JuliaS. (because I'm totally sure it's you that's doing it,) thanks for listing me on LFCA. You rock, and I totally love you for it!

** ETA, so apparently there is another Good Samaritan who is listing me on LFCA. Whoever you are... I LOVE YOU! Thank you so much! It is so nice to feel remembered.

and Julia, yes. I still love you. ;)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Beta 4

So, I don't know what to think about it now.

My number today was 141.76. It more than tripled, almost quadrupled.

What should I be thinking right now? According to the lab print out I am barely within normal range for this gestational age. I think they are calibrated a little differently than most. I know that my numbers are still pretty low and I'm not out of the woods, but it's so hard not to get excited when I see increases that are "normal" (at least doubling.)

The nurses and RE's are out of the office today, so I don't know what the plan is until tomorrow.

On another note, my progesterone dropped 10 points to 36. That is still an okay number right? I'm wondering if I should up my progesterone dose a little tomorrow. What do you think?

I'm so numb today. Earlier when I got the results, I almost passed out. I keep thinking that the next beta will be the one that screams, "MISCARRIAGE!" I am so grateful for all the time I have with this little bean, but it is completely exhausting to think that today could be my last day with him.

I'm just hoping this isn't all some cruel joke.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Now What???

My third beta is in. My doubling time is 38.4 hours.

It went up to 38.50.

I think I'm just going to continue to freak out. I'm really good at that.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Waiting Game

Beta only increased by 3. My RE is going to make me repeat the test on Friday anyway. (Really? What's the point?)

Miscarriage #3 on the way.

I'm beginning to thing infertility is terminal. It's definitely going to kill me!

Monday, October 12, 2009


Beta 13.14
Progesterone 19.19

Here's what the nurse said:

"The quant is low which this early we would anticipate. We will have you go back in 48 hrs to have it repeated, it should approximately double. We will probably have you have one more after that.

The progesterone is fine."

Anyone else think she's talking through her ass? This is almost exactly where I was for my last 2 miscarriages. And "this early?" I am 14 dpo. Not really early.

I'm still not having a bad feeling about it (weird?), but I'm obviously a bit discouraged. If you are the praying type, I'd really appreciate a few words being sent up on our behalf.


What a Difference a Week Can Make

12 DPO

13 DPO 3MU
13 DPO

14 DPO

Now for the real question: To beta, or not to beta?

Ignorance is bliss, right?

***ETA: Apparently I don't have a choice. My RE sent the orders and I have to do the beta today. PLEASE pray for me! This test and I DO NOT get along!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Of course it would be a dreary, wet day today. Why not?

Had I not miscarried in February, today would have been that day. The day that I marked on my calendar with giant letters declaring "Baby Due."

Here's hoping I can get through today, and for that matter... the rest of the week. My beta is one week from today. Let's hope it doesn't rain.