Wednesday, September 30, 2009


A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly.
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's were I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one.

~Author unknown~

Monday, September 28, 2009

Lucky #7?

We are going in for IUI #7 this afternoon. I start progesterone injections tomorrow.

Any good vibes, thoughts, or prayers you can send my way are especially appreciated today!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


3 vials and 60 needles for 30 injections - all for a "maybe." I must be crazy.

Sometimes life's lows are actually underground.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Do you ever just feel defeated? Like the universe is plotting against you in every imaginable way? I swear that hours are disappearing from my day, gremlins are destroying my house, and my daughter's 21st birthday is just around the corner.

Lately I have felt so low. I really don't think I can take one more thing, ya know? Last night, another SIL announced that she is expecting. It was a kick in the stomach for me. I'm pretty sure I can handle one pregnancy in the family, but 2 may be too much. Especially with it being the first for both of them. I don't want to do anything to take the excitement away from them, and I want to let them enjoy every moment, but it is so hard for me to be around them and I know that they know why. I feel like a major joykill. Everyone is so excited for them that it is pretty much the main topic of conversation. It is simply more than I can take.

My last 2 cycles have been annovulatory. I have been back to my doctor and he has told me that my next step is injectables, but I'm not ready for that yet. I think that stress has played a big part in my not ovulating. There is so much going on in my life that I just don't have the energy to blog about, but it is slowly eroding me down to the core.

Please, God. Let this be my month, and please... no more announcements. Let life be boring for a while. I just can't take anymore!

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Isn't it amazing how deeply we can be hurt by those we love, when they aren't even meaning to?

You'd think that my family would understand certain things about me. Especially when it comes to pregnancies, right? Apparently, not so. My SIL recently announced that she is expecting her first child (she is approx. 8 wks.) This is a HUGE deal, because they have been trying for almost as long as we have. This is her first pregnancy and of course, I'm nervous out of my mind for her. Granted, I'm a bit jaded, but that's understandable, right? I haven't shown anything but excitement for her. Honestly. I want this for her almost as much as I want it for myself.

Well, today was her first OB appointment and viability ultrasound. It was at 4:45. I talked to her yesterday and made her promise to call me as soon as her appointment was over and let me know what happened. She agreed. Well, by 6 I still hadn't gotten a call, so I called her. No answer. Well, maybe they went to dinner. I'll try back later. 8:00, I try again. Still no answer. Okay, now I'm getting nervous. I hope she didn't get bad news. PLEASE, let it be that she left her phone at home. 9:30, I call again. NO ANSWER... what the hell? Now I'm freaking out. I left her another voicemail and decided to try another approach. I called her husband. Here is how our conversation went:

Me: Hi, (BIL). How are you?
BIL: I'm fine, but my phone's battery is going to die because you've called so much (absolutely no hint of sarcasm.)
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't I only call you once?
BIL: Well, okay, mine and (SIL)'s phone.
Me: Sorry.
BIL: (sounding irritated)How about we just tell you what we found out and what happens when we see you tomorrow, okay?
Me (stunned): kaaay?
BIL: Have a good night. (Hangs up.)

So, now I sit here in a ball of nerves, fighting tears. All I needed to hear was "everything is okay, we'll give you details tomorrow." I just need to know everything is alright.

I have had 2 miscarriages in the last 17 months. I just need to know that her baby is okay. That everything will be fine, and she won't have to go through the same nightmare that I have been going through.

I have been so worried about her since she announced. Their family has a history of factor V (a clotting disorder) and yet, (SIL) hasn't been tested. There are some other issues that make me worry as well because I know that they increase her odds of a m/c.

Oh, and did I mention that I suffer from a panic disorder? Seriously. 2 pills a day just to keep me sane.

I just need to know it's okay. That she's okay, that her baby's okay. I really love my SIL. I want the best for her and her baby, and it kills me that he was so cold to me about it.

Am I being too pushy? How should I handle this? I don't want to see them tomorrow and instantly burst into tears, but I can totally see that happening. I don't want to look like a drama queen, but I can so see that happening. What should I do?