Tuesday, August 31, 2010

...still going,

Yesterday's E2 was 122, after 3 days of stims. My RE told me (through his nurse, of course) that I should stay on my current doses, and that everything looks perfect so far. She kind of shuddered when I asked what my level was "supposed" to be, but said that generally speaking, they like it to be between 100-150. I wonder if she's making it up for my benefit. They said they "like to see" between 8-16 antral follicles, too, (safely tucking my 12 right in the middle of that figure) I'm sure just to make me feel better.

Today I am feeling it, whatever "it" is. My assumption is that my right ovary is sucking up all this FSH and hoarding it without even a slight consideration for the left's feelings. Apparently, my right ovary is a bitch. Go fig.

Tomorrow I have more blood work and an ultrasound. I'll let you know how it goes.

Friday, August 27, 2010

And So it Begins

(Actually, I guess I'm about 1/2 way through, but still.)

I had my suppression check this morning. My E2 is 64, and the NP counted 12 antral follicles in my resting ovaries. (She never counts as many as my RE, even on the same day! Too bad he was with another patient or I'd have had him check, too!)

I will be lowering my Lupron dose tonight, as well as beginning the FSH and low dose HCG.

Here we go!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I have this problem. See, I have really, really vivid dreams. The kind that actually has my subconscious arguing with my consciousness. "You're asleep." "No, you're awake." etc. etc. (This became a problem once when I was around 14 or so. I dreamed I was on the toilet. Can you see where this is going? Brings a whole new meaning to the term "wet dream." ooooh, sorry. That was naughty. LOL)

I am one of those people that can actually hold a grudge because of something you "did" in my dream. Just ask the hubs. One time I woke up and hit him because he had taken a plural wife in my dream. I was pissed the rest of the day.

Normally I have dreams that once the original shock wears off, I laugh about. I know that it isn't reality, and I let my husband tease me relentlessly. (I still get crap about dating that penguin)

But last night's dream was different. I went to bed really early and slept for nearly 11 hours. Unfortunately, my dream lasted the entire night. In it, we were at the hospital for the birth of another niece/nephew. While my SIL was in labor, I started to have flashbacks. I remembered being in the same hospital giving birth to triplets. 2 girls, and 1 boy. The only problem was that I only had LJ, and one more daughter. I was missing 2 children! As I began to remember, I started asking questions to the staff at the hospital. They all looked at me with a horrible sadness in their eyes and told me that I needed to talk to the head nurse. When I finally found her, she told me that she remembered me and asked me to sit down. She handed me a scrapbook and asked me to search the pages for my picture. When I found it, near the middle of the book, the picture made my heart sink. I was laying on the floor of my home with 2 babies in my arms. My little girl was laying slightly across my chest and my son was resting peacefully in the crook of my left arm. I was looking directly at the camera with such a sad, yet peaceful expression. I read it instantly. My babies were sick, but in the moment the picture was taken, they were alive, and I was just so grateful to have that time with them. When I finally looked up from the photo album, tears streaming down my face, the nurse gently asked me, "Would you like to see them?"

Then my dream cut back to my SIL, still in labor. I was outside on a bench, sitting on the deck that was connected to her room through a sliding glass door. I sat there weeping, holding my 2 dead children. Of course, because it was a dream, they were perfect. Beautiful in every way. They didn't look like anything was wrong. My husband stood there with me, softly trying to console me, but crying at the same time. The longer I sat there, the more I realized that the rest of our family was staring at us. They were angry. At one point, someone came out and asked us, "You really think this is an appropriate time to be doing this? while SIL is having her baby?" I didn't know what to say, so I just stood up with our babies and walked away. I wandered through the hospital, never daring to speak to anyone.

That was the rest of my dream. Walking aimlessly, desperately clutching my children into my chest, not knowing how or when they had died. I spoke to them, but I couldn't hear what I was saying. They felt like little dolls. I had them wrapped in a single blanket, their tummies up against my chest.

When I woke up, I felt like I couldn't breath. I must have been crying in my sleep, because my pillow was wet, and my eyes are puffy and red. All morning, I haven't been able to shake this immense feeling of loss. DH was kind enough to get up with LJ and feed her breakfast and get her ready for school. Even though I know it was just a dream, I can't help but miss my children. Although they weren't even alive in my dream, I am craving the feeling of holding them in my arms. I want to see their faces again, but I can't remember what they looked like.

I HATE dreams like this. Even when they aren't sad, I hate them. I hate saying "goodbye", simply because I have to wake up.

It just might be time to go back to therapy. My counselor would have a hay day with this one.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


So I have a tiny secret. Nothing major, really.

Today is my birthday. My 29th birthday. No big deal, right?

Well, according to my "plan", I was going to be done having kids by the time I turned 30. I got married when I was 18, and planned to have 4 kids in 12 years. Totally doable, right? (*sigh)

So, now I have exactly 365 days to pop out 3 more kids.

Should make the decision of how many embryos to transfer easy, huh? (insert eye-roll here.)

Why is it so hard to let go of "what could have/should have been"?

Excuse me while I go gorge myself with cake.

Friday, August 20, 2010


I think I'm in panic mode, but not fully aware of it. (I know how absurd that sounds. Trust me.)

Although for the most part I feel pretty good and functional; I think that I'm absorbing every little bit of sadness and negativity around me. Even though I don't feel particularly negative or worried, I have noticed my body reacting as if I am.

For instance, I have read a few really sad blog posts recently. Failed cycles, miscarriages, etc. I have found that I am completely incapable of expressing my reaction to these posts in words. It makes me feel like a terrible friend. With everything moving so quickly in my own cycle, it is hard for me to process what is happening to others in theirs. When I read these posts, they sort of haunt me. With the way the last year has gone, I am all too accustomed to grief and failure. I find myself reading about a loss, failed cycle, or an ectopic, and it takes me right back to the midst of my own losses, failures, and ectopic. I have absolutely no ability to separate myself from what is happening to them, and what happened to me. It makes me feel like there is no way this cycle will end well. After all, just look at my track history.

I feel so so terrible for the women that are currently dealing with these issues. Honestly, I can't get them out of my mind. Like, when I disagree with the treatment (or lack of) that their doctors are recommending, I get so upset I can't sleep. I kind of feel like I have to fix it, or anything bad that happens to them will be my fault because I "knew better." Of course, there is NO WAY I can fix it, and I know that, but like I said... I can't separate myself. There is one woman in particular, that the very thought of her makes me cry.

Between school starting (for DH, LJ, and myself), IVF and the financial strain it has caused, and issues with my friends both IRL and online, I have found that many days the stress is so much that I can't eat without an extraordinary amount of stomach pain. I am to the point of downing Maalox like it's water.

I know this all sounds terribly dramatic, and I apologize. I wish I were making it up. So, please, please forgive me if my comments come across as robotic, or as if I don't care. The truth is - I care too much, to the point that I just might have to cut back. You girls aren't just "fellow bloggers" to me, you have become my friends and sisters. I want success for you as much as for myself. Please know that even if I am not commenting, I AM thinking of you. Everyday.

Hopefully, it's just the hormones that are making me so crazy. If not, I can totally see myself being committed. I'm a total spaz. What else can I say?

Have any of you experienced this? or am I actually schizo?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sing it, Sara!

*EDIT: The video was too big for my blog, so you can watch it here instead.

LOVE it!!

Excuse me while I push play... again.

Okay, I'm back.

This song is going on my IF playlist. There are a handful of people that I want to send this to, with the hopes that they'd get the point that I don't appreciate the comments like:

"Why do you keep putting yourself through this?"
"Maybe you just need to accept that it's not going to happen and move on with your life."
"You need to just prepare yourself to adopt."
(this one was said to me the day I got out of the hospital after my ectopic. Great timing, huh?)

or my personal fav,

"At least you got LJ. That's more than a lot of people get."

This one pisses me off the most, and of course it's the one I hear the most! Not only does it imply that I am ungrateful for my daughter, but it doesn't actually take her thoughts and feelings into account. Try listening to her plead with God night after night to "pleeeeaase send [her] a little brother or sister" or have to listen to her heart break (again) as she tells you about her latest friend to become a big sister. Wanting another child isn't just about me and my husband. We ALL feel that our family is not complete.

Ugh, sorry. If you haven't guessed this is just me venting. It's been one of those days. I'm sick of all the advice and instructions from people who couldn't possibly understand what this has been like for the last 7 years. The bad thing is this is all coming from people close to us (mainly immediate family). Is it any wonder that we've kept IVF a secret from almost everyone?

If you know me in real life and are reading this, consider yourself lucky... and warned. Don't say stupid stuff like this to me. I've had it with being polite. (Granted, I've only given this blog link to 4 people, and they all know better, but still. A reminder never hurts.)