Tuesday, August 26, 2008

All alone with my thoughts... (and a laptop. Lucky you!)

(Warning: this is all mismashed and jumpy, but what-the-hell. I'm in a venting mood I guess.)

First up:
My CAT scan results came back last week, and they were normal. I was beyond confused. I thought for sure that there would be some glowing mass on the films that would pinpoint the source of my discomfort. My Dr. called me and told me that I needed to meet with a surgeon. When I questioned him as to why, he told me that he is sure it is scar tissue, and the surgeon can get rid of it. Apparently, adhesions do not show on CT scans at all! GRRRRR!!! Talk about frustration. Sure glad I paid out the nose for ANOTHER test I didn't need!

No, I haven't made an appointment with the surgeon yet. I seemed to have contracted a nasty case of bronchitis that I need to get rid of first.

My munchkin started 1st grade yesterday. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but it is turning out to be much more depressing than I ever would have suspected. This is not where I thought's I'd be at this point in my life. My plan was to get married, wait a year and then get pregnant. Well, that went pretty well. We celebrated our first anniversary in March, and got pregnant in August. We waited another year (almost) and started trying for a second baby. We wanted a total of 4 kids, spaced 2 years apart. I planned on being done having kids before I was 30. Well, you all know how that went... and I turned 27 on Friday.

What does this have to do with Munchkin going back to school? Well, it reminds me of my spoiled plans. If my life had gone according to plan, I'd have 2 other kids at home with me, and be expecting my caboose. Instead, I'm left here alone... and it sucks.

I am planning on going back to work now that she's in school full-time, and hopefully that will help. But for now, I'm wallowing in my own self-pity.

What sucks the most is how much I miss my Munchkin.

I talked to DH about my feelings of being done with all the IF stuff. He was very patient with me, and calmly explained that he's not ready to give up. He's far more determined than I am. Honestly, he gave me just enough of a boost that I'm considering another IUI in September. I'm not completely comfortable with it yet, but I'm getting better everyday. I am going to meet with my RE and see about using clomid again. This would only be the 2nd time doing a clomid/IUI cycle. The other 3 were unmedicated. I'm hoping that with the clomid, and being more closely monitored with my RE, that we'll find success. In a way, it almost feels tangible... something in me says we're so close to a successful pregnancy, and yet my brain just laughs it off as being naive and gullible.

And to top it all off...
Fall semester started yesterday, too. What classes am I taking? Oh, the easy ones... math and chemistry. (Apparently, I'm addicted to stress.)

I feel like I'm losing it.


I Believe in Miracles said...

Vent away!! We're hear for you. Sorry things have been so crappy lately. Nough said.

Hope2morrow said...

Hope your days get better! We're all in this together and are here for you, however you may need us! Venting is encouraged!

Penny said...

I don't have anything witty or helpful to say, just big hugs. The lows suck mightily.

Anonymous said...

My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem