Saturday, May 2, 2009

A beautiful "first"

To explain the beauty, I must first explain the reason:

For the last 6 years I have heard way too many pregnancy announcements to count. Each time, I have plastered a smile on my face and congratulated the expecting parents. Each time, I have swallowed the lump in my throat, and willed my heart to stop racing. Although I am truly happy for them, I also feel anger, sadness, and crushing jealousy. Sometimes it consumes my mind for days -- thinking of all the experiences the newly-pregnant woman will have. I flash back to my own experience, and feel a huge rush of sadness when I think of how much I took for granted. I am disgusted with myself over how much I have forgotten.

It makes me sick to think that I may never have that experience again. I think of how unfair it feels to have comments made to me of how I should be grateful for the child I have when "there are so many who will never have even one child" (this is my mother's favorite response to our TTC). To me, that seems so cruel to say. It insinuates that I am ungrateful for my daughter (which could not be further from the truth) and that I am selfish. I am treated as though having another child of my own would be preventing someone else from achieving that same goal. It's not like we are all standing in line for a baby, and by wanting another one I am cutting in front of women who are childless. I honestly believe that we all deserve to have the families we have dreamed of.

I think that those of us struggling with secondary infertility are kind of like the "black sheep" of the IF community. Many people believe that we don't really belong because we have children. Let me assure you, the longing for a child is just as great. Our pregnancies ended up being double-edged swords. Although we wouldn't trade the experience for anything, it makes TTC #2 (or more) even harder. The memories of being pregnant are no longer a joyous thing, but instead cause a great deal of pain. We know what we are missing, and it hurts like hell.

All of these overwhelming thoughts come up every time I hear a new pregnancy announcement... until today.

I read Hope2Morrow's post announcing that she is pregnant with twins. I felt no anger, no resentment, and absolutely no sadness. All I could picture was how excited she must be, and how huge her smile must have been when she found out. I am SO HAPPY for her, and it feels GREAT!

Hope2Morrow is one of the first blogs I started reading when I began my blog, and one of the first people to ever comment. I remember back in September when she wrote a post telling us that her 4th FET had failed. I could barely finish the post through the mountain of tears welling up inside. I'm not sure why it affected me so much more than any other post I had read, but I was so completely crushed for her.

Perhaps that is why her news was so wonderful to me. This truly feels like a 'win' for our team. I honestly can't remember when a pregnancy announcement made me happy all the way through. I have been happy for people, but always with those underlying emotions. I am so grateful for the happiness I feel for her. It makes me feel like perhaps I'm not as horrible as I usually feel. It is an amazing sensation.

Hope, I am elated for you and so glad that you will finally have the family you have wanted for so long. I wish you could see the smile on my face! I am offering you my most sincere and heart-felt "Congratulations". May you remember every wondrous detail, and forget all the pain that lead up to this miracle. And, I just wouldn't feel right unless I also said "thank you."


I Believe in Miracles said...

Beautiful! She was one of the first to reach out to me too.

Hope2morrow --- so so so excited for you.

Hope2morrow said...

OMG! I'm crying tears of joy and sadness right now. Thank you so much for the honest Congratulations. It just hurts so much though to know that others are still struggling, which is why it has taken me so long to post.

I am so thankful for the support this community has provided, and I hope now that I am out of the dark waters, I can provide more support and hope to others. You are so kind.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!