Friday, August 20, 2010


I think I'm in panic mode, but not fully aware of it. (I know how absurd that sounds. Trust me.)

Although for the most part I feel pretty good and functional; I think that I'm absorbing every little bit of sadness and negativity around me. Even though I don't feel particularly negative or worried, I have noticed my body reacting as if I am.

For instance, I have read a few really sad blog posts recently. Failed cycles, miscarriages, etc. I have found that I am completely incapable of expressing my reaction to these posts in words. It makes me feel like a terrible friend. With everything moving so quickly in my own cycle, it is hard for me to process what is happening to others in theirs. When I read these posts, they sort of haunt me. With the way the last year has gone, I am all too accustomed to grief and failure. I find myself reading about a loss, failed cycle, or an ectopic, and it takes me right back to the midst of my own losses, failures, and ectopic. I have absolutely no ability to separate myself from what is happening to them, and what happened to me. It makes me feel like there is no way this cycle will end well. After all, just look at my track history.

I feel so so terrible for the women that are currently dealing with these issues. Honestly, I can't get them out of my mind. Like, when I disagree with the treatment (or lack of) that their doctors are recommending, I get so upset I can't sleep. I kind of feel like I have to fix it, or anything bad that happens to them will be my fault because I "knew better." Of course, there is NO WAY I can fix it, and I know that, but like I said... I can't separate myself. There is one woman in particular, that the very thought of her makes me cry.

Between school starting (for DH, LJ, and myself), IVF and the financial strain it has caused, and issues with my friends both IRL and online, I have found that many days the stress is so much that I can't eat without an extraordinary amount of stomach pain. I am to the point of downing Maalox like it's water.

I know this all sounds terribly dramatic, and I apologize. I wish I were making it up. So, please, please forgive me if my comments come across as robotic, or as if I don't care. The truth is - I care too much, to the point that I just might have to cut back. You girls aren't just "fellow bloggers" to me, you have become my friends and sisters. I want success for you as much as for myself. Please know that even if I am not commenting, I AM thinking of you. Everyday.

Hopefully, it's just the hormones that are making me so crazy. If not, I can totally see myself being committed. I'm a total spaz. What else can I say?

Have any of you experienced this? or am I actually schizo?


Penny said...

Yes, I felt very cocooned during my IVF, especially in the beginning. Thoughts and feelings that should have torn me up inside, and all those big questions that IVF brings up, all of that seemed oddly muted. And when I got pregnant at the end, I was excited, but not *as* excited as I thought I should have been, and I seemed to lack any strong feelings about anything for months. It comes back, slowly.

I think it's just a coping strategy, something your mind must do when your body is going through all this. Take advantage of the padded room in your head I say.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hi honey,
Yeah, it's really hard sometimes to find the words when you are feeling like that. I am in a similar place right now although I haven't read a lot of bad news or anything. So all I can say right now is thinking of you and hoping for a good result out of this cycle!!