Sunday, February 27, 2011

Out There

I don't know how to do this part. The pregnant part.

I have spent so much time focusing on just getting pregnant, and I never really thought about what it would actually be like if it happened. It's been a long, long time since I was able to picture myself with a baby in my arms, and honestly.... I still can't.

I feel like I'm lying every time I tell someone that I'm pregnant. I recorded an ultrasound and I keep it on my phone just so that when I need a reality-check, I can pull it up and watch it. It's so weird to see my name at the top of the ultrasound screen.

All of this pisses me off so much! I am terrified that I am not going to bond with this child, all because I simply can't wrap my mind around the fact that there IS a child.

I don't feel movement yet, I'm used to the "symptoms"* and they now just seem normal to me, and I don't really think I look any different than before. How do I convince myself that it's real.

The nightmares have begun. I had such a horrible dream that I ended up calling my family doctor that is really close to my house so that I could go in just to check for a heartbeat.

I thought that it was over. He placed the wand over my uterus and scanned and scanned. Nothing. He told me that it wasn't the best doppler, so then he started to look for my heartbeat just to make sure the tool was working. Sure enough, my heartbeat was coming through nicely. Still no baby. I looked at DH and I could see the panic on his face. "Maybe I just need more gel" The doc said. He put more goo on my tummy and began to scan again. My c-section scar was burning horribly due to the force in which he was stretching the skin. After an eternity (probably close to 10 min. total) we heard a heart beat. He compared the rate to the pulse on my wrist and calmly said, "that's not you."

I left in such a state of shock, that it took until the next morning to notice the gash in my skin just above my c-section scar. He had pulled so hard, that my skin actually tore. (Trust me, I'm feeling it now!)

What do I do? How do I shake this? When I say "this doesn't feel real" it's not the blissful, "I can't believe this is happening" with a grin on my face, kind of thing. It's the scary, "I can't tell what is reality" kind of thing. Have you seen Inception? Yeah, it's kind of like that. There is this huge fear that is smothering me. What if it isn't real? What if I finally went 'round the bend and I've completely lost it?

After fighting infertility for so long, it hard to feel like I'm winning.

It's a weird video, but it's the words that count.


Annie said...

I completely relate to this: "After fighting infertility for so long, it's hard to feel like I'm winning." I'm sorry I can't offer any advice about how to shake it, since I am also a total wreck. Any chance of convincing the dr to let you get a scan before 18 weeks? That just seems soooo far away. Clinics should humor women who've dealt with horrible losses and infertility and us have scans for mental health reasons even if there's no solid medical reason! They'd get paid for it, so everyone wins!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I get it... I really get it. That feeling of being outted as a fake or a liar haunts me. It's why I check Ginny's breathing multiple times a day when she's napping, watching for her little movements just to ease my mind that the other shoe hasn't come crashing down. I attribute my continued nightmares to that same sense of fear. I think it's also the driving force behind my urgent need to start trying for Halfling 2.0. Fear sucks...

(sorry for the rambling comment)

Emily said...

I know the terrified feeling but let me just tell you, its a thing of the past for me. It will be for you too come August. I worried I wouldn't love my baby as much as my nieces and nephews. Ha Ha! Seriously! When you hold your little one in your arms, and you will, the years of fighting vs. winning melts away and then its just "being". The saying, "There are moments that I long for, even while I live them" will mean everything to you. I'm so excited for you to have the terror of losing your pregnancy be over (and then all the other terrors set in.)
You're not crazy. Drink that coke and enjoy those kicks. These are the moments you long for right? :)

Anonymous said...

I can't believe he tore the skin! Good lord, what a terrifying Dr's visit. I'm so glad he found the heartbeat - and (since I read the more recent post first ) so glad you are feeling movement!!! Big hugs!

Penny said...

I sort of remember a lull between 1st trimester symptom onset and second, n which there was nothing to see or feel and it was especially hard to believe I was pregnant. If infertility has taught us anything, I think, it is knowing that sometimes the emotion just has to be managed until the next wave of confirmation comes. Hang on in that ether, it will pass.