Monday, August 22, 2011

Feels Like Defeat (Not the 200th post I'd hoped for...)

Tomorrow at 7:30 am, I will be induced. All I can do is sit and cry. I feel like such a failure today.

My appointment was... I don't even know. Confusing? My Dr. opened by saying that I am at the point where he would "throw in the towel" but that it was up to me. I am 2 cm. dilated, and still about 60-70% effaced. He told me that the recommendation is to not go past 42 weeks, but that his personal comfort level was 41. I am 40w5d today. He still left it to me. He seemed as if he was genuinely trying to leave the final decision in my hands. I was so frustrated because it seems like he was arguing both ways. "You could go in to labor tomorrow...", "I don't think you're going to show much progress, if any, in 2 days..." "There is absolutely no reason to go past 42 weeks..." "Maybe you just have a longer gestation time. It's all just an average anyway..."

He told me that I didn't have to make a decision right that minute, and sent me for a non-stress test. When I was done (Miss E is still content and happy. Completely perfect), I went back to talk to him. I asked him if I could just wait until Wednesday and then come back in to be checked and if I hadn't progressed further, then we'd reluctantly induce (inducing raises my chance of c-section). He told me that was fine, but then added that he would be going out of town on Thursday and would not be back until Sunday evening. My stomach sank. I know that this is not going to be a short labor. I am planning for at least 2 days of labor. I want to give it every chance I can. But if he is leaving, that changes everything. Most Dr.'s aren't as willing to let me go as long as I'd like, and are even more likely to pressure me into a c-section before I'm ready (as if I'd ever be ready) and I don't want that. I know there is no guarantee that I would go into labor while he is gone, but even if I didn't... I'd be 41w4d when he got back. How much risk am I assuming if I wait that long? And I truly feel that my best chance of a VBAC is with my Dr. But at the same time - I'm not ready. I am not ready to give up this pregnancy. I don't want to feel like a quitter. What if I just waited a few more days? Am I giving up? It feels like I am. DH keeps telling me that I am not. He's more comfortable with EJ coming sooner rather than later, and keeps praising me for making it this far. The crappy thing is that from what we've read, the longer I wait my chances of VBAC go down further and further, and EJ's safety will be more and more compromised. Yes, she's fine now. Completely content... but no one wants that to change, and odds are at some point it would. But at what point?

I have been so set on a VBAC, that this feels like defeat. My cervix is not "favorable" and my Dr. thinks that the "trial of labor" will pretty much be pointless, but he's willing to let me try anyway. I freakin' hate this. I don't want to feel like a failure. Is there really any reason to induce now? Am I really risking anything by waiting until 42 weeks, at which point I will actually be "post term".

I feel so out of control with it all. I am hoping for another miracle. I hope that either A) my water breaks tonight, or my contractions send an obvious signal that I am in labor on my own, or B) tomorrow's induction is all that my body needs to be able to do this, and I get my VBAC anyway.

Please, no negativity in the comments. I am struggling so hard with this. This is not the ending that I expected, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I know that it's not really about how she is delivered. I get that. But it's just another part of the dream that could be taken from me. Please try to understand that.

This is certainly not how I expected to spend my 30th birthday.

(If you know me in real life, please, please, please do not mention this to anyone. I think I'm going to keep the induction to myself. I can't handle a single "I told ya so". Just pretend you don't know anything, k?)


cwdurbin said...

My fingers are crossed for you...

E. Phantzi said...

Oh sweetie, I understand. You want to push that baby out yourself and then hold her in your arms, and this has been your dream for so long - the birth that would redeem you and bring closure to the trauma of last time. You don't want to jeopardize her health or her life - and you just don't know if holding out for your desire would do that. It is agonizing, it is. And nobody can know ahead of time exactly what WILL happen on each branch of the decision tree. So little is really under our control. Love you- we'll be here for you no matter what you decide, and no matter what happens. Xo

One Day said...

Oh mama- I'm sorry! Please, please, please start movin' Miss E! Thinking of you and hoping for nothing but everything you've dreamed of!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I understand hon, and I am praying for your miracle.

Annie said...

You've been in my prayers all day. I really want you to have a beautiful birth experience to go along with that beautiful baby girl! I'm really hoping for you. After all, our pregnancies have had SO many similarities along the way. I was 2 cm and 70% effaced going in and managed to avoid a C-section - it has to be that way for you, too!

Penny said...

I really wish your situation was different, not because I hope for a positive experience, but only an experience of having your body spontaneously decide for you rather than your mind. That is a hard issue to deal with particularly after infertility.

Choose to not focus on the have-not part of this experience, it will eat you alive and it is meaningless. This experience of labor, in my opinion, is so insignificant.