I don't know how to do this part. The pregnant part.
I have spent so much time focusing on just getting pregnant, and I never really thought about what it would actually be like if it happened. It's been a long, long time since I was able to picture myself with a baby in my arms, and honestly.... I still can't.
I feel like I'm lying every time I tell someone that I'm pregnant. I recorded an ultrasound and I keep it on my phone just so that when I need a reality-check, I can pull it up and watch it. It's so weird to see my name at the top of the ultrasound screen.
All of this pisses me off so much! I am terrified that I am not going to bond with this child, all because I simply can't wrap my mind around the fact that there IS a child.
I don't feel movement yet, I'm used to the "symptoms"* and they now just seem normal to me, and I don't really think I look any different than before. How do I convince myself that it's real.
The nightmares have begun. I had such a horrible dream that I ended up calling my family doctor that is really close to my house so that I could go in just to check for a heartbeat.
I thought that it was over. He placed the wand over my uterus and scanned and scanned. Nothing. He told me that it wasn't the best doppler, so then he started to look for my heartbeat just to make sure the tool was working. Sure enough, my heartbeat was coming through nicely. Still no baby. I looked at DH and I could see the panic on his face. "Maybe I just need more gel" The doc said. He put more goo on my tummy and began to scan again. My c-section scar was burning horribly due to the force in which he was stretching the skin. After an eternity (probably close to 10 min. total) we heard a heart beat. He compared the rate to the pulse on my wrist and calmly said, "that's not you."
I left in such a state of shock, that it took until the next morning to notice the gash in my skin just above my c-section scar. He had pulled so hard, that my skin actually tore. (Trust me, I'm feeling it now!)
What do I do? How do I shake this? When I say "this doesn't feel real" it's not the blissful, "I can't believe this is happening" with a grin on my face, kind of thing. It's the scary, "I can't tell what is reality" kind of thing. Have you seen Inception? Yeah, it's kind of like that. There is this huge fear that is smothering me. What if it isn't real? What if I finally went 'round the bend and I've completely lost it?
After fighting infertility for so long, it hard to feel like I'm winning.
It's a weird video, but it's the words that count.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
And That's Why I Love Him
Have you seen this? (watch before reading on)
I love it. I laugh every time I watch it. I know it's ironic now, but hey...
So, I decided to show the hubs. I thought he'd appreciate it too.
He blankly stared at the screen while the video played, and just looked at me when it was over.
"It's funny!" I said.
His reply?
"Whatever you say, Bitch."
...and then I almost peed my pants laughing.
The End.
I love it. I laugh every time I watch it. I know it's ironic now, but hey...
So, I decided to show the hubs. I thought he'd appreciate it too.
He blankly stared at the screen while the video played, and just looked at me when it was over.
"It's funny!" I said.
His reply?
"Whatever you say, Bitch."
...and then I almost peed my pants laughing.
The End.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Guilty
I broke the rule. Okay, I don't know if it's actually a rule, but still.
I bought baby stuff. A car seat, stroller, pack 'n play, a portable swing, and a regular swing.
Seriously?!?
Of course I feel like a lunatic, but I know that I shouldn't. Think positive, right?
Why did I buy all of this stuff now, you ask? Well, a certain massive baby retailer who shall remain nameless ran a huge promotion: Turn in your old baby stuff and we'll give you 25% off new stuff.
I caved, and it saved me $100.00. That's worth it, right?
Still, I can't believe I bought all this stuff. I'm not even 15 weeks yet! With LJ we didn't buy anything until I was closer to 30-35 weeks. I can't believe how silly I feel. I know that so far, everything looks fine, and like this baby will actually make a healthy appearance in August. But I still can't believe we did it! My house looks like this certain massive baby retailer threw up in my living room!
Sigh. Maybe seeing all this baby gear will help it sink in that I'm currently growing the tiny human that will use it all. Hopefully.
I bought baby stuff. A car seat, stroller, pack 'n play, a portable swing, and a regular swing.
Seriously?!?
Of course I feel like a lunatic, but I know that I shouldn't. Think positive, right?
Why did I buy all of this stuff now, you ask? Well, a certain massive baby retailer who shall remain nameless ran a huge promotion: Turn in your old baby stuff and we'll give you 25% off new stuff.
I caved, and it saved me $100.00. That's worth it, right?
Still, I can't believe I bought all this stuff. I'm not even 15 weeks yet! With LJ we didn't buy anything until I was closer to 30-35 weeks. I can't believe how silly I feel. I know that so far, everything looks fine, and like this baby will actually make a healthy appearance in August. But I still can't believe we did it! My house looks like this certain massive baby retailer threw up in my living room!
Sigh. Maybe seeing all this baby gear will help it sink in that I'm currently growing the tiny human that will use it all. Hopefully.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Quick Update
There's really nothing to post.
All is well (at least as far as I know) and things are moving right along. We had our NT scan last week and I bawled all through the ultrasound. It still hasn't quite sunk in.
I had a bit of spotting this week. Nothing major, and it stopped within a few hours. I'm trying not to freak out, and so far doing a pretty good job. I have a check up tomorrow, so I'll be sure to bring it up.
I had to make the move to maternity pants this week. I feel silly for doing it, since I still don't look any different, but WOW, what a difference they make. SO much more comfortable!
Anywho... there's the scoop. I'm sorry I'm so boring. When I find the words I want to say, I promise to put them here first. I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, so that makes posting difficult. But rest assured... I still love you! ;)
All is well (at least as far as I know) and things are moving right along. We had our NT scan last week and I bawled all through the ultrasound. It still hasn't quite sunk in.
I had a bit of spotting this week. Nothing major, and it stopped within a few hours. I'm trying not to freak out, and so far doing a pretty good job. I have a check up tomorrow, so I'll be sure to bring it up.
I had to make the move to maternity pants this week. I feel silly for doing it, since I still don't look any different, but WOW, what a difference they make. SO much more comfortable!
Anywho... there's the scoop. I'm sorry I'm so boring. When I find the words I want to say, I promise to put them here first. I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, so that makes posting difficult. But rest assured... I still love you! ;)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Voluntary Guinea Pig
Let me just tell you how lame I am.
While shopping tonight at Wal.green.'s I ran across this:
Okay, it's not the first time I'd heard of these, and I'll admit to doing a tiny bit of looking into it google-style before I ran into it, so when I saw it my will power shrank. I called K and asked if I could buy it (sometimes you just need the hubs to okay an irrational purchase, right?) He wasn't thrilled, but gave me the go-ahead anyway. I love him.
So I got home and quickly tore into the package.
Step 1: "Collect your first morning's urine in the cup provided. (Use ONLY first morning urine.)"
CRAP! It's 8:30 at night and there's no way I want to wait until morning. So, I pulled up the website and read that as long as it's been 2 1/2 hours since your last "void" it's fine. YAY!
I finished the test, and placed it on the counter to season for the required 5 minutes.
The results?
GIRL!!
Of course, I'm not putting too much stock into this one test, but still it's fun to think that it could be right! According to the internet and all it's infinite wisdom, this particular test is between 78%-90% accurate.
So, allow me to be the guinea pig, and I'll let you know if it turns out to be correct. Unfortunately, we'll just have to wait until March to know for sure. ;)
While shopping tonight at Wal.green.'s I ran across this:
Okay, it's not the first time I'd heard of these, and I'll admit to doing a tiny bit of looking into it google-style before I ran into it, so when I saw it my will power shrank. I called K and asked if I could buy it (sometimes you just need the hubs to okay an irrational purchase, right?) He wasn't thrilled, but gave me the go-ahead anyway. I love him.
So I got home and quickly tore into the package.
Step 1: "Collect your first morning's urine in the cup provided. (Use ONLY first morning urine.)"
CRAP! It's 8:30 at night and there's no way I want to wait until morning. So, I pulled up the website and read that as long as it's been 2 1/2 hours since your last "void" it's fine. YAY!
I finished the test, and placed it on the counter to season for the required 5 minutes.
The results?
GIRL!!
Of course, I'm not putting too much stock into this one test, but still it's fun to think that it could be right! According to the internet and all it's infinite wisdom, this particular test is between 78%-90% accurate.
So, allow me to be the guinea pig, and I'll let you know if it turns out to be correct. Unfortunately, we'll just have to wait until March to know for sure. ;)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Finding Words
So, here it is. The confession:
I am at a loss for words.
My biggest pet peeve as I have struggled through infertility has been people making decisions for me. Family members telling me AFTER a baby is born that so-and-so was pregnant so that they "wouldn't hurt (my) feelings", that kind of thing. I told everyone so many times that often it hurts much worse to be left out than it does to hear the news (this is just about being TOLD information... spare me the details every 30 seconds, please!). I tried to explain that I never felt like someone was jumping in line in front of me, and they had stolen my chance by getting pregnant before me. Granted, we all have our bad days, but for the most part I have gotten to the point that my good days outweigh my bad.
I had one sister-in-law that "got" it. She never left me out of what was going on during her pregnancy, but she never flaunted it either. I never heard her complain (not that I would have minded an occasional gripe), she always honestly and sincerely answered my questions when I would ask, and she never pushed information on me. In other words, she understood that it was hard for me, but also understood how much it meant to me to be a part of things.
I want to be like her.
But here's the problem. I don't know everyone's limits. I have close friends that are still in the throes of infertility, who can't find a sturdy step to balance on and the last thing I want to do is push them over the edge. We've all had those days. You're feeling fine until you log on fac.e.book and see that giant ultrasound at the top of the feed. Or when you hear some lame-ass family member complain for the 5 billionth time this week that "this sucks" while simultaneously sharing a new belly pic of their 3rd pregnancy in as many years. Give me a break!
So, what do I do? How do I find the balance between too much and too little? All morning I've been fighting the urge to put on FB something mentioning the fact that I have made it to 12 weeks. This is HUGE for me, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to be the one that makes that struggling friend cry today.
My best friend is one that is struggling. She rarely complains, and is an expert at pasting a smile on her face and saying "congratulations" even when she's dying on the inside. She is amazing. She is one of only a few friends that has walked this path with me every step of the way. She is who I called when I found out about the ectopic, and she walked along side my bed as they wheeled me into surgery, and is the first face I saw when I woke up. She has cried with me, laughed with me, and complained with me. I could not have asked for a better friend.
For the last few weeks, we haven't talked much. Both of us have been super busy, and she's been spending time with a sister that just had a baby. (Told you she was amazing! She spent over a week at her sister's home taking care of the new baby and making sure everything was in order while her sister recovered. WOW!) I talked to her a couple of times while she was there, and it was clear that she was struggling, but I guarantee she didn't let her sister know.
When she came back, I know she was on baby burn-out. Finally, the other day I called her. I told her that I was issuing her a never-ending supply of rainy-day coupons. Here's how they work: It doesn't matter if we have been planning things for weeks... if she decides even 5 minutes before that she can't handle pregnancy/baby related stuff that day (which includes even seeing me), she can text me. All she has to say is "rainy day" and we can make arrangements to reschedule for a better time when she is more comfortable. This will work for everything. She doesn't want to take my call ('cuz we all know that sometimes all we have to do is HEAR a pregnant person, and we're over the edge!)? Rainy day. Can't stand to see a baby belly? Rainy day. Because I know how it is! It sucks so bad to see someone, even someone you care tremendously for, get pregnant when you are struggling so hard trying to reach the same goal. It has nothing to do with your feelings for the person, it's your feelings about the situation. It's hard. Sometimes soul-crushing. I get it. Hopefully, this "rainy day" thing will help. I don't want to force anything on her, and I want to protect our friendship as much as possible. If she just doesn't take my calls, but never says anything... I will panic. I will question whether I did something wrong. But if she tells me "rainy day", that's just as good as saying, "Meim, I love you, but I need some space today." I can TOTALLY deal with that with no hard feelings whatsoever.
So that covers part of the issue, but what about the rest? Sharing too little. I don't want to ignore her and make her feel excluded from this MAJOR part of my life, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to mistake me waiting for her to ask me about something, as me not wanting to share with her.
So, that was a huge post that boils down to me asking for your advice. The same thing goes for this space. How much is too much? How much is too little? Help me find the balance. I don't know how to do this part. (which is a totally different post... and "this part" is sooo many different things. *Sigh*)
I am at a loss for words.
My biggest pet peeve as I have struggled through infertility has been people making decisions for me. Family members telling me AFTER a baby is born that so-and-so was pregnant so that they "wouldn't hurt (my) feelings", that kind of thing. I told everyone so many times that often it hurts much worse to be left out than it does to hear the news (this is just about being TOLD information... spare me the details every 30 seconds, please!). I tried to explain that I never felt like someone was jumping in line in front of me, and they had stolen my chance by getting pregnant before me. Granted, we all have our bad days, but for the most part I have gotten to the point that my good days outweigh my bad.
I had one sister-in-law that "got" it. She never left me out of what was going on during her pregnancy, but she never flaunted it either. I never heard her complain (not that I would have minded an occasional gripe), she always honestly and sincerely answered my questions when I would ask, and she never pushed information on me. In other words, she understood that it was hard for me, but also understood how much it meant to me to be a part of things.
I want to be like her.
But here's the problem. I don't know everyone's limits. I have close friends that are still in the throes of infertility, who can't find a sturdy step to balance on and the last thing I want to do is push them over the edge. We've all had those days. You're feeling fine until you log on fac.e.book and see that giant ultrasound at the top of the feed. Or when you hear some lame-ass family member complain for the 5 billionth time this week that "this sucks" while simultaneously sharing a new belly pic of their 3rd pregnancy in as many years. Give me a break!
So, what do I do? How do I find the balance between too much and too little? All morning I've been fighting the urge to put on FB something mentioning the fact that I have made it to 12 weeks. This is HUGE for me, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to be the one that makes that struggling friend cry today.
My best friend is one that is struggling. She rarely complains, and is an expert at pasting a smile on her face and saying "congratulations" even when she's dying on the inside. She is amazing. She is one of only a few friends that has walked this path with me every step of the way. She is who I called when I found out about the ectopic, and she walked along side my bed as they wheeled me into surgery, and is the first face I saw when I woke up. She has cried with me, laughed with me, and complained with me. I could not have asked for a better friend.
For the last few weeks, we haven't talked much. Both of us have been super busy, and she's been spending time with a sister that just had a baby. (Told you she was amazing! She spent over a week at her sister's home taking care of the new baby and making sure everything was in order while her sister recovered. WOW!) I talked to her a couple of times while she was there, and it was clear that she was struggling, but I guarantee she didn't let her sister know.
When she came back, I know she was on baby burn-out. Finally, the other day I called her. I told her that I was issuing her a never-ending supply of rainy-day coupons. Here's how they work: It doesn't matter if we have been planning things for weeks... if she decides even 5 minutes before that she can't handle pregnancy/baby related stuff that day (which includes even seeing me), she can text me. All she has to say is "rainy day" and we can make arrangements to reschedule for a better time when she is more comfortable. This will work for everything. She doesn't want to take my call ('cuz we all know that sometimes all we have to do is HEAR a pregnant person, and we're over the edge!)? Rainy day. Can't stand to see a baby belly? Rainy day. Because I know how it is! It sucks so bad to see someone, even someone you care tremendously for, get pregnant when you are struggling so hard trying to reach the same goal. It has nothing to do with your feelings for the person, it's your feelings about the situation. It's hard. Sometimes soul-crushing. I get it. Hopefully, this "rainy day" thing will help. I don't want to force anything on her, and I want to protect our friendship as much as possible. If she just doesn't take my calls, but never says anything... I will panic. I will question whether I did something wrong. But if she tells me "rainy day", that's just as good as saying, "Meim, I love you, but I need some space today." I can TOTALLY deal with that with no hard feelings whatsoever.
So that covers part of the issue, but what about the rest? Sharing too little. I don't want to ignore her and make her feel excluded from this MAJOR part of my life, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to mistake me waiting for her to ask me about something, as me not wanting to share with her.
So, that was a huge post that boils down to me asking for your advice. The same thing goes for this space. How much is too much? How much is too little? Help me find the balance. I don't know how to do this part. (which is a totally different post... and "this part" is sooo many different things. *Sigh*)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
We Made It!
Thursday was my first prenatal appointment.
My new OB, Dr. S, let me ask him a million and one questions and was super patient throughout all of it. Unfortunately, the clinic that we saw him at does not have ultrasound machines (WTF, right?), but he was nice enough to meet us up at the hospital and do a quick scan. We were lucky, and 1/2 of his appointments were up there anyway.
The main points of the day are as follows:
-NO more prenatals! This is fan-freaking-tastic seeing as I hardly ever hold them down anyway! I have taken them for the last 9 years, and they are just now making me all pukey. Doc said that since the baby's neural tube is closed already, I don't need the extra folic acid now. I can start taking them later on as I can tolerate them, and if I never get to that point (like I did with LJ) I can just take iron supplements instead.
-My blood pressure was 102/78. I made them double check. I had forgotten to take my BP meds for 2 days, so it was hard to believe that my blood pressure would actually be normal, if not a little on the lower side. I have had high blood pressure since I was 17 and have had to be on medication for the last 3 1/2 years. I have stopped taking my medication (so THAT's what's been making me so dizzy!) and have subsequently gained back the 5 lbs of water weight that the meds usually rid me of. Which brings me to my next point...
-I got in a bit of trouble for losing over 10lbs already. Honestly, I didn't think it was a problem, seeing as I'm a bit on the plus side anyway, but apparently it is. And, no... I'm not trying to lose weight. I tried to explain to my OB that this is apparently normal for me. During my entire pregnancy with LJ, I only gained 13 lbs. Granted, this was after losing quite a bit to start with. Even Zofran just isn't cutting it these days. I'm getting better, but my appetite just isn't what it was. I am lucky if I get to eat 1/2 of my meal. I figure I can either eat 1/2 and barely make it - or force down the whole thing just to have it all come back up a few minutes later. Yeah... I'll take 1/2.
-An ultrasound! It was a really fast little peek, but it was enough to calm my fears (for this week.) The screen was super tiny and at an impossible angle, but it didn't take long for Dr. S so find the heartbeat. DH could see really well, and said that the baby now looks like a little gummy bear. I wish I could have seen, but really... it's okay. All was well and that's all that really matters. Oh, OH! It was an ABDOMINAL scan! HOORAY!!! No more run-ins with the "wand".
I only have 3 days left of the PIO, and then I get to switch to Prometrium for the next 2 weeks. I am still waiting to hear back on how long I will be on the heparin. Honestly, I hope it's just a couple more weeks, but I will go as long as I need to.
It is still so strange to be experiencing this. It is just now beginning to feel real. I now have to use an elastic to fasten my pants, and I can feel a little something in the way when I bend over to tie my shoes. (I can do my pants up, but they get very uncomfortable when I sit.)
I hope I never have to wake up. I really like this dream!
My new OB, Dr. S, let me ask him a million and one questions and was super patient throughout all of it. Unfortunately, the clinic that we saw him at does not have ultrasound machines (WTF, right?), but he was nice enough to meet us up at the hospital and do a quick scan. We were lucky, and 1/2 of his appointments were up there anyway.
The main points of the day are as follows:
-NO more prenatals! This is fan-freaking-tastic seeing as I hardly ever hold them down anyway! I have taken them for the last 9 years, and they are just now making me all pukey. Doc said that since the baby's neural tube is closed already, I don't need the extra folic acid now. I can start taking them later on as I can tolerate them, and if I never get to that point (like I did with LJ) I can just take iron supplements instead.
-My blood pressure was 102/78. I made them double check. I had forgotten to take my BP meds for 2 days, so it was hard to believe that my blood pressure would actually be normal, if not a little on the lower side. I have had high blood pressure since I was 17 and have had to be on medication for the last 3 1/2 years. I have stopped taking my medication (so THAT's what's been making me so dizzy!) and have subsequently gained back the 5 lbs of water weight that the meds usually rid me of. Which brings me to my next point...
-I got in a bit of trouble for losing over 10lbs already. Honestly, I didn't think it was a problem, seeing as I'm a bit on the plus side anyway, but apparently it is. And, no... I'm not trying to lose weight. I tried to explain to my OB that this is apparently normal for me. During my entire pregnancy with LJ, I only gained 13 lbs. Granted, this was after losing quite a bit to start with. Even Zofran just isn't cutting it these days. I'm getting better, but my appetite just isn't what it was. I am lucky if I get to eat 1/2 of my meal. I figure I can either eat 1/2 and barely make it - or force down the whole thing just to have it all come back up a few minutes later. Yeah... I'll take 1/2.
-An ultrasound! It was a really fast little peek, but it was enough to calm my fears (for this week.) The screen was super tiny and at an impossible angle, but it didn't take long for Dr. S so find the heartbeat. DH could see really well, and said that the baby now looks like a little gummy bear. I wish I could have seen, but really... it's okay. All was well and that's all that really matters. Oh, OH! It was an ABDOMINAL scan! HOORAY!!! No more run-ins with the "wand".
I only have 3 days left of the PIO, and then I get to switch to Prometrium for the next 2 weeks. I am still waiting to hear back on how long I will be on the heparin. Honestly, I hope it's just a couple more weeks, but I will go as long as I need to.
It is still so strange to be experiencing this. It is just now beginning to feel real. I now have to use an elastic to fasten my pants, and I can feel a little something in the way when I bend over to tie my shoes. (I can do my pants up, but they get very uncomfortable when I sit.)
I hope I never have to wake up. I really like this dream!
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