Option B

When reading over that last post, I realize it is crazy-long. So, I present option B: A recap of the recap:

This year sucked.

The end.

12

With New Year's quickly approaching, I have been reflecting on the past year and wondering, "what did this year mean to me and what did I learn?" Because, y'know... that's why everything happens, right? To learn? Although it turns out that there are actually 12 months in the year, my year seems to have consisted squarely of 2. When I think of 2009, I am thrown into a deep saddness. I feel incredibly guilty that although many wonderful things happened too, I am so focused on the negative that I feel that that is all that occured. I am positive that 2009 was the worst year I have ever experienced. Let's recap:

January:
We went to Disneyland on a family vacation. We were having the time of our lives until I succumbed to my addiction and peed on a stick. Uber faint line. Happy? or Sad? Hmmm, guess we'll find out.
When we got back, I entered beta hell within hours of getting off the plane. Depressing numbers all around.
February:
Miscarriage #2 within only 10 months of my first. It was a great way to start the year.
March:
Celebrate my 9th anniversary with DH.
April:
Perfect ovulation. Day 14. Too bad I was still in my 2 month "probation." My RE won't let us try until 2 complete cycles have passed after a miscarriage.
May:
LJ turns 7. We celebrate by getting her the cuttest birthday present ever. A rex rabbit. Actually, I celebrated a bit much and got one for myself too. I couldn't resist. They are just too adorable!
June:
No ovulation for me. My car is "out of commission" until we can save what seems like a million dollars to repair it. So glad I'll be couped up all summer for lack of transportation.
July:
Still not ovulating. I have now slipped into the seventh circle of hell and begin fighting a depression to put all others to shame. I am no longer sleeping, I have no energy, and I am feeling like a worthless individual, in addition to the world's worst mother and wife.
August:
Still super depressed. 3 pregnancy announcements in 1 week. 2 of which were my SILs. LJ goes back to school (I miss her.)
September:
I have a miraculous ovulation... FINALLY! We go forward with IUI #7. This makes me much happier than I have been for months. Happy enough to not really be too bothered with another pregnancy announcement by a SIL.
OCTOBER:
May very well be the worst month of my life. Beta hell ensues. A total of 9 draws (beginning at 13, ending at 790) and 3 ultrasounds. Progesterone injections everyday, 3 discussions with REs/OBs all ending with "you are going to miscarry." Morning sickness from hell, all knowing that it probably was all for not. The ending of the month was spectacular. A ruptured fallopian tube with severe hemorrhaging, and me being forced to allow a doctor that I had never met before to end my baby's life. I know... he wouldn't have survived anyway, but now I feel like I LET it happen. I am just now starting to remember things from that night that I am sure my subconcience was trying to hide forever. My pleading with God to let it all be a dream, to please let me have my baby, and apologizing profusely to the child I would never meet. Good times.
NOVEMBER:
Recovery is not easy for me. I am in a lot of pain although the Dr. insists that I "shouldn't be." More ultrasounds with the stranger Dr. and his reassurance that everything is fine. My beta dropped to 55 after surgery, so I should be back to normal in "no time." Then normal shatters. My beta begins to rise again, and that night I am back in the ER with a severely distended abdomen, and a small amount of pain. 6 hours later, I am in an ambulance being taken to a better hospital for another laparoscopy to repair my right tube, AGAIN. Diagnosis: Persistent Ectopic Pregnancy. I leave the hospital after a double dose of Methotrexate. Lucky me.
December:
Medical bills eat Santa's budget, and family parties steal my Christmas joy. I am astonished at how insensitive family can be. I really thought "I don't want to talk about it" was a pretty clear declaration. Apparently inquiring minds want to know, and will not settle for a teary plea to leave me alone. 3 SILs all happily sporting a pregnancy glow, while I feel like the black hole of the family. My RE put me on birth control that steals what sanity I have left and leaves me going through maxi pads like crazy. All the begging in the world will not convince my RE that I can do another IUI my next cycle, or that I can do without the birth control. The medical cloud is lifting and I am starting to remember more and more that not only was this horribly traumatic for my body, but that I LOST ANOTHER BABY. One that I am told again and again "would probably have been a healthy pregnancy if it had implanted in the right place." I know that those words are meant to be encouraging and give me hope that the "next time" I can do it. But instead, it leaves me incredibly sad. Another failure. This time my body murdered my baby. This was not my baby being "genetically abnormal", or that "something just went wrong with the embryo's development." This was caused by MY body.

Last week I met with my RE again. We discussed our plan for the new year which consists of an HSG sometime around the 10th, followed (hopefully) by an IUI in late January or early February. I will again be on the progesterone injections, and if God be willing and I manage to get pregnant, heparin injections twice a day.

I am so ready to move on. I can't bear the thought of another year like 2009. I don't think I would survive it. There was just too much heartache, so much of which I will keep to myself. I have so much more bottled up inside that I want to let out, but know that it will just come out as more rambling that makes no sense to anyone but me and make me sound even more unappreciative of the things that I DO have. I can't handle anymore. I feel so guilty for being so focused on the negative things in my life, when I have so much to be grateful for. My daughter and husband are the only things I have to live for. They are the only light I have left.

I guess some good did come out of December. I was finally able to get a referral to a counselor that specializes in infertility. Let's hope she can handle me. I am really looking forward to meeting with her.

On to 2010. May it be a year full of all the wondeful things that I thought I'd never get a chance to experience again, and to all of you who deserve your Happily Ever After's even more than me. I owe so much to all of you that have been here for me through everything. You know who you are. I am eternally grateful for your comments and emails. They mean soooo much to me.

Best wishes to you all.

Booooring

I just wanted to let you all know that yes, I am alive. I just don't have anything to write about. My RE put me on birth control pills (because it's SO likely I'll get pregnant on my own *rolls eyes*) for this cycle and at least 1 more. I then have to go in for another HSG before we can get back on the TTC bandwagon. So, in short... I'm in limbo. Sleepless, frustrating, hormone induced limbo.

I can't wait for 2009 to be over. So long, worst year EVER!

Oh yeah, and if you were wanting to see the surgical pics from my ectopic, here is a link:
http://picasaweb.google.com/ItsJustMeim/Ectopic?feat=directlink
They are not for those with sensitive tummies. You've been warned.

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! I hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend and that the turkey isn't the only thing that will be stuffed by the end of the day.

In light of the occasion, I thought it appropriate to list a few things that I am grateful for. I know that I am blessed beyond measure, but it never hurts to try to recognize those things in our lives that make us happy day in and day out.

My short list, including the things that I am MOST grateful for:

DH - He has given me my 2 most precious titles; Wife and Mother. Eternity truly isn't long enough to spend with this man. He holds my heart and nurtures it everyday. I love him with every ounce of my existence.

LJ - No one can make me smile like she does. She is brilliant in every way, and makes me proud beyond measure. There are no words to express the love I have for her, and no greater blessing.

My inlaws (brothers, sisters, and parents.) - Even though I sometimes get frustrated, I must give them credit where credit is due. They have taken me in as a part of their family so completely that it is hard to believe that I am "just an inlaw" to them. I know that when it boils down, any one of them would walk through fire for me. Not many people can say that. I am so thankful for the love that they show me. I love each of them so much.

My friends - Both IRL, and here. I have felt so much support in all that has happened. Since my second surgery, I still haven't had to make a meal for my family. My friends and neighbors happily volunteered to bring us dinner for the last week, with plenty of leftovers to tide us over through lunch the next day. We have been served with the most dignity and grace imaginable. We have felt so loved. Although most don't really "get it", they do what they can to lighten our burden. We have been so deeply touched with kindness from all directions. To all of YOU -- thank you for always being here. It helps me more than I can ever tell you to know that you all understand, even if it is on a different level. Everyone has different experiences, and yet we are bound together with a single thread. I feel so blessed to have been welcomed into this community, although we all agree that it sucks to be here in the first place.

I hope you all have such a wonderful day today, and that the celebration happily lasts all weekend. We all have something to be thankful for, no matter how big or how small. I am grateful that I am able to recognize my blessings, and thank God for them everyday. Thank you for being one of my blessings. I am sincerely grateful for each of you, and for the friendship you so readily supply. Please let me know if I can ever help any of you, in any way. I am glad to do it. Whether it be a late night stressfest or just a virtual hug, I'd be happy to be your "person."

Happy Thanksgiving!

Moving on...

I think this might be over. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm feeling pretty good. I was scared to death for the methotrexate, but so far I haven't really had any major side effects other than mild headaches and nausea.

I didn't really post a lot of details because, well, I don't really know them all. So here's what I do know: (It looks like a lot, but it really isn't. I am full of questions)

*On Tues. morning at about 2 AM, I called nurseline to see if the pain I was having could potentially be caused by me ovulating in my recently operated-on tube. The nurse went through a "check-list" of symptoms if you will, and threatened to send an ambulance if I didn't go to the emergency room ASAP, or call 911. By 2:30, I was at the local ER

*By 3 AM, Dr. Dumbass (sorry, there's really no other way to put it) had ordered a CT with contrast, and insisted I chug what seemed like a gallon sized mug of lemon flavored fingernail polish remover. It was delish!

* 5 AM, still no sign of the Dr. or the nurse to update me on what was going on. I was FREEZING, because I was in the room closest to the exit, and it was quite drafty. Now would be a good time to mention that there was NO CALL LIGHT!

*5:30 AM, I am taken in for my CT. I am done about 10 minutes later and wheeled back to my igloo.

*5:50 AM, Dr. Dumbass comes in with my results. He tells me that there is a "significant amount of blood and free fluid in my abdomen" but that he isn't trained enough to know if it is old blood, or if I have re-ruptured. He recommends that I follow up with MY doctor later that day, or tomorrow at the latest. He then seems to second guess himself and asks for my Dr.'s contact information. I gave him the info for my RE, and he exits to call him.

*6:00 AM, Dr. Dumbass comes back and says that Dr. Peterson would like to see me today for 2 reasons: 1. My beta is continuing to rise, and 2. There shouldn't be this much blood in my abdomen so long after my first surgery. My body should have absorbed anything left over from my first go around. I ask him if I need to go out to the clinic, or if I should meet him in the hospital. Dr. Dumbass explains that I cannot be released on my own accord because I am at significant risk of "bleeding out", so the ambulance will be there to transport me within 30 minutes.

* I stop noticing what time it is, and call DH. He is at home with the Munchkin, and doesn't think anything too serious is going on. He was pretty upset when I told him I was waiting for an ambulance to transport me out to the U, I think he realized a lot sooner that I did the seriousness of the situation. By the time he got there, the ambulance was waiting. They let LJ ride out to the hospital with me because we knew that once I arrived there, she would not be allowed to stay. No one is allowed in the hospital that is under the age of 14. (we SO broke that rule...)

*Once we arrived at the U, I was brought to my room and prepped for surgery. Blood was drawn, my IV was replaced (more on that later...) My RE came in and went over the plan with us. He said that he was 90% sure that he would have to take my tube. I had a mild breakdown and begged him to leave it in. He wouldn't budge, but told me that he would call DH after they opened me up and could get a better look at the damage. He said that they would wait and let DH make the decision once they were in there. This is about the time that I lost my freaking mind.

*Things get pretty blurry, but I remember my brother in law being there, and he and my husband giving me a religious blessing. I then threw a fit and insisted that they let LJ rid on my gurney with me down to surgery, where I would say goodbye and let my brother in law take her home with him. Once we got down to surgery, they had to change my IV (AGAIN; this was my 3rd) and the anesthesiologist explained what they would be doing. I vaguely remember kissing a tearful DH and them wheeling me away. I don't think I even remember getting to the OR.

*We're going to skip the waking up part, because it was probably one of the worst memories that I have the privilege to carry with me for the rest of my life.

* I was taken back to my room where I was told that I almost bled to death... again. My body had gotten wise to this fact at some point in the previous 2 1/2 weeks and had taken measures to prevent it from happening. The omentum (I still don't know how to spell that) had moved forward and surrounded my fallopian tube tourniquet style and had slowed the bleeding. Once my Dr. and his minion of medical students had seen the damage in my abdomen, and the omentum around my tube, they called for extra blood and another IV was started in my NECK!! They were sure that I was going to bleed out, so they started the extra line to be able to get fluids and a blood transfusion in me quickly if they had to. Luckily, the bleeding was controlled and they were able to use suction to clean up my insides. They cut my tube length-wise and flushed it in both directions with saline. The Dr. had kept his word, and called DH and told him what they had found. At that point, he was positive that he would have to take the tube. DH told him that we trusted his judgement, and to do whatever he thought was best. We were stunned when he informed us later that he had saved the tube. He said "for good or for bad, we saved the tube." (At first I was really relieved, but now I'm not so sure how I feel about it. I'm nervous that it will scar up, and I'll have this issue again.)

*Later that night, an oncology nurse came in and gave me my methotrexate shots. I had one in each hip. They made sure to give me some Zofran for nausea before the shots, and I think that did the trick. It wasn't horrible at all. I am still not experiencing anything horrible. Just minor headaches and a bit of nausea from time to time, although I've read online that it can take a few days for the full affects of the drug to kick in.

*On Wednesday, my Dr. came in to release me at 8:30 in the morning. We didn't actually get to leave the hospital until close to 6 pm. The resident and my Dr. were arguing over which medications I could have when I came home. The final outcome was that I could come home with ibuprofen, zofran, and iron. No narcotics. (I'm still kind of pissed about this. I have 5 holes in my abdomen, and they expect me to be just fine with ibuprofen. Sadists!) My Dr.'s reasoning was that I am still at risk to have this happen again (at least until my betas drop to zero) so he doesn't want any medication to "mask" the pain that could be caused by another rupture. I understand his point, but man it would be nice to be able to move without cringing!

*My blood counts are still low, so I will be on iron for the next 30 days, minimum. I have to go back in every Tuesday for repeat betas to make sure my levels drop. I am not to take any vitamins or folic acid for a month, and because methotrexate (MTX) is a chemo drug, I have to avoid large groups of people, or places that I may be more likely to be exposed to illnesses. Apparently MTX is an immunosuppresant.

Okay, I think I have you all caught up. I have a follow up appointment with my RE on Dec. 1st. He has promised to give me pictures of the laparoscopy. I have them from the first surgery, so it's only fitting that I have pics to complete the series. I have debated on whether or not to post them on here, but I think some people might be a little queasy about it. You'll have to tell me your opinion. Is that something that you would be curious to see, or am I better just leaving it to your imagination? I still have a ton of questions about this whole thing. It all happened so fast that I don't think it all sunk in. It's hard for be to believe that my life was THAT jeopardized when I didn't feel that bad. I think I just need a play by play. I will be glad when I get the operative reports and pathology findings. My RE did mention that between both surgeries, he estimates that I lost about 2.5 pints of blood into my abdomen. I'm not sure how bad that really is... guess I'll have to go ask Dr. Google.

I'm pretty sure I'll post again about my experience at the hospital. They nurses (other than the first demon-woman that I had kicked out of my room) were amazing. They gave me a bereavement package that included a little crocheted blanket, booties, and hat, as well as a baby-sized brass ring. They were very kind, and I will never be able to thank them enough for their compassion. I am so glad that I was transferred to their hospital. I think they helped me begin to move on. They recognized my baby, and made me feel like it was okay to do so, regardless of how far along I was. I truly am grateful to them.

Please let me know if you have any questions, or can think of anything that would be good to ask my Dr. about. It all still feels very surreal. If I wasn't bruised from hell to breakfast, I might doubt it ever happened! (maybe I'll post THOSE pics! You've never seen bruises like these before! I look like a junkie!)

Again, thanks for all of your comments. IRL, I feel very alone in all of this. It is so nice to feel your support day after day. You are all very amazing to me.

Back in the hospital

So, here I sit, an inpatient at the University of Utah Hospital.

I ended up in the emergency room last night because I started bleeding again, and had some pretty decent pain going on. They did a CT scan with contrast. That's all it took

The next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance being transported to the U, and into the care of my RE (who btw is the Head of Obstetrics and Gynecology here.) I was hemorrhaging again, and my hematocrit was falling.

Again, they were able to save the tube, but this time not without cutting. I don't have the details of most of what they did, other than that the omentum (sp?) had saved my life. It is a fatty layer, that sits in your abdominal cavity. It had moved to wrap around my fallopian tube to "save my life", according to my RE. I haven't seen the pictures yet, but DH said they were really awful. My insides looked like they blew up.

Right now I am feeling pretty good other than some excess CO2 that is molesting my shoulders and chest... but the pain is managable. I am waiting for a methotrexate shot, and then I will be going to sleep. I haven't been asleep (other than surger, which TOTALLY doesn't count) since 7 am on the 16th. I am TIRED!

I will update again later. I'm sure the methotrexate will have a story all it's own. OH, FUN!

The Nightmare continues...

My beta rose today.

CRAP!

Recovery

I went today to the OB that did my surgery to have my stitches removed. Life is a bit more grand today. I had no idea how much those blasted threads hurt until they were GONE!

I also had follow-up labs to see if my hCG levels are dropping appropriately. It is still at 38. I'm kind of pissed, because I thought for sure it would be below 5 this week. Isn't that what a D&C does? Remove all the "pregnancy tissue?" I completely expected this to go faster. On the 30th, the day of the surgery, my beta was 790-ish. The following Monday, it was already down to 55.

For those of you who have gone through this before, how long did it take for your betas to be back to "normal?" My RE won't even discuss TTC again until they are under 5. I need this to happen so that I can officially "move on" and get on with this baby-making game.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a recurrent loss specialist at the University of Utah. Hopefully we'll get some good news with this new round of tests. I'm ready for the negativity to be over.

Granted, my mood changes every 2.4 seconds, so maybe I'll post again in a few minutes and tell you that the sky is falling, because honestly.... it might be.

Oh yeah, and I have to tell you THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH for all the comments and support you have all given me. IRL, I feel like no one "gets it" and I'm stuck in a horrible horrible nightmare that nobody could possibly survive. You are the ones who are getting me through this. Thank you for giving me permission to be unstable. LOL LOL It's nice to know that it's okay to be crazy for a while, and that you'll love me while I lose my mind, then help me find it when I'm ready. I can't tell you how wonderful you are. I wish I could find the words.

Randomitity

* I have the strange urge to move half way across the country. I spent most of the day looking up real estate in Tennessee.

*The thought of food makes me feel incredibly guilty, like, that's NOT what is supposed to be in my tummy right now.

*I think I have broken my husband. He's having a hard time with all of this. He only "visited" me twice in the hospital, and both were for very short periods of time. It's like it makes him sick to see me. He's trying, but it's difficult. I wish I could make it better.

*I haven't cried in days, although I'm confident the tears are just "hiding."

*I dropped out of school this week.

*I think I'd rather burn down my house than dust.

*I feel like my face is falling off, and I'm not even on any drugs anymore. (Ibuprofen doesn't count)

*I am pissed at my doctors. If I had listened to them and stopped the progesterone, I'd be dead right now. I would have assumed the pain I felt was just another miscarriage and I would have never gone to the ER. I would have continued to bleed internally, and most likely would not be typing this right now.

*I want to go outside, but I'm afraid there will be people out there. **shudder**

*I think I'm trapped in a nightmare. All the statistics I've read say that this couldn't have happened. I fit ZERO of the scenarios that cause ectopics. My beta was "too low", the placement was very rare, and the chances of rupture are unheard of.

Someone PLEASE wake me up.

*I have a whole crop of bruises sprouting on my abdomen, nowhere near my incisions. It's kind of scary. Like the demons are trying to get out.

*I have a song stuck in my head today. (This is not the original version that was stuck in my head, but for whatever reason, this one "fits" a bit better. The original is by Dr. Demento)



This one is by Neuroticfish. Hmmm, fitting.

Selfishness

I feel like a piece of crap.

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have 3 sister-in-laws that are all expecting in April or May. (My due date was June 21st) Last week, this was exciting to me. We were all going to have babies at the same time, and they would grow up being as close as close can be. Sleep overs, birthday parties... they'd be inseperable. And then Friday happened.

Now I feel like a low-life scumbag.

Because I lost so much blood with my ectopic, I stayed with my inlaws until I felt strong enough to come home. Most of the week was fine. Then, today I had a sister-in-law come visit. She talked about buying cute maternity clothes for an upcoming trip - I tried to shrug it off. Then later, another pg SIL came to visit. They both sat and talked to my mother in law about pregnancy symptoms. One can't stand the thought of pizza, while the other wonders if headaches are just part of the territory. Then they joked about the afghans that my MIL has been crocheting for the past few weeks. "Isn't it funny that we're all due (!) just before summer and Mom's making us blankets... hahahahaha!" Then one decided to tease the other about how she gets to pick her afghan first because her due date is a week before the other SIL's. The whole time I sat there feeling sorry for myself. Just a few days ago, I'd be in on this conversation, chiming in that they'd "better leave me that blanket" because it was my favorite, and I had to pick last because I was due last.

I sat there fighting back tears as long as I could, feeling like I didn't matter at all. MY baby doesn't count anymore. I am no longer part of this club. I got kicked out, remember? Finally, I stood up, excused myself to the bathroom... cried like an idiot, then gathered the rest of our things and came home.

About an hour later, my other sister in law (the one that wasn't visiting, for those of you who are lost) called to tell us that she is having a boy.

I feel so horrible. Why can't I just be unselfish and celebrate with them? They deserve this. They shouldn't have to stifle their feelings and experiences because of what has happened to us. I feel so guilty because I can't be happy for them right now, even though deep down I really am. And at the same time, I am angry at them. Of all people, I look to my family for a little bit of sensitivity. How would they want me to behave had the situation been reversed?

I feel so selfish. I want so badly to fast forward to July. No baby showers, no birth announcements, no due date to mourn. It's all just too much, and I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way.

**ETA: Yes, they all new about the pregnancy and the ectopic. They were aware of why I was staying at my inlaws, and both of them even came to visit while I was in the hospital. (which I was truly grateful for. I thought it was very kind of them. They brought up my niece and nephew so that I wouldn't miss seeing them in their Halloween costumes. It was very sweet.)

Later that day, my MIL called my husband to tell them that they were aware that they had upset me, but (and in all fairness, I have no idea HOW she said it, or with what inflections, because it was to DH) "Life goes on..." and "they just want to be excited." (for their own babies)

I'm thinking of boycotting Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure I'll be "sick" that day. I have gone from feeling selfish to being just plain pissed. I think they could have at least let me have my stitches removed before "life moved on."

The emotional roller coaster continues...

The end of it...

Well, things didn't go quite as planned. I am actually updating from the hospital.

Yesterday afternoon I ended up in the ER with a pain in my side that I couldn't explain. My doctors had all told me that if I had any new pains that I should go to the ER. When I first got here, things were hurting, but it got better as I waited for lab results, etc. Then, because I was feeling good, they were going to let me go home. They decided to do an ultrasound just to be safe.

About 1/2 later I was wheeled into the operating room for an emergency laparoscopy. The ultrasound showed a 5 cm mass in my right tube. When they got in there during surgery, they were shocked because my tube had actually ruptured. The mass was part blood clot, part baby, and then there was blood pooling in my abdomen and uterus. They were able to save my tube (they didn't even have to cut it) because of the position of the ectopic. He said that the tube just "looked like a snake that had swallowed a mouse" and he was able to just "milk it" until it came out without cutting. The rupture was at the end of the tube. They removed the pregnancy, and also did a D&C.

They have decided to keep me here an extra night because my labs show that I may still be bleeding internally, and we are having a hard time keeping my pain managed. It actually hurts much worse now that it did before the surgery. My incisions don't hurt, just the area of my right ovary/tube. The doctor who did the surgery was pretty stunned that I wasn't in more pain when I got here, and that it had even ruptured given the low hcg levels I had been getting. He said that most ruptures happen after the beta levels have reached 10,000, and mine was only at 769.

Thank you for all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers through this whole roller coaster. We don't really know yet what we are going to do when this all settles down. My emotions are pretty fried. I will try to update again when I know more about the new labs, and whether or not I will be going home in the morning. I'm sorry if this doesn't all make sense. I am on 3 different pain killers, so I'm sure it's probably a spacey post.

The Roller Coaster continues... in a GOOD way (today at least)

So, I called my regular OB for a second opinion. He called me back today and told me that the amount my beta dropped on Friday was within the margin of error for the test, so he asked me to go in and repeat the test. Of course, I wasn't expecting anything wonderful, but to our VERY pleasant surprise, my beta went up. It is still not in the typical range for how far along I am, but my doubing time from the first beta, to the one today is 70 hours.

We repeated the ultrasound to check for ectopic (again) and there was no sign that was happening. He did however, note that because my lining is SO thick (which he said is another good sign that this isn't ectopic) it may be harder to see something for a longer period of time.
He saw an area that looked different than the rest of my uterus, but because of the lining, it was impossible to tell for sure what it was. He said it may be "pregnancy tissue", and that I have to go back next Tuesday to re-check. He said that I don't have to go in for anymore betas because it is obvious that they "aren't going to play by the rules" but that he has seen a lot of pregnancies follow this pattern and be perfectly healthy. We decided that I may just be a "crock pot", and that I cook slower than normal.

My hubby actually pointed out that LJ was consistently 2 weeks behind with all of her ultrasounds, but we know when I got pregnant with her, and we were sure of our timing. She was born completely healthy, (only 2 days before my due date), so we're hoping this is just what my body does.

The only thing that worries me is that my progesterone level dropped a lot from Friday. It is still in the "normal" range, but it dropped by over 50 points. My Dr. just said to increase my injections if it would make me feel better. I am still on a relatively low dose, so I have some room to play with. I started to get a pain on my left side today, which is in the exact same place that I had an endometrioma. It always flared up before AF came, so it kind of freaked me out. Dr. said that my lining looks stable though, so not to worry. He thinks it is more likely that the pain is coming from my uterus growing and stretching the scar tissue in that area (from both my c-section, and the lap to remove the endometrioma.)

Okay, so that was a novel! I am SO glad that I followed the promptings that I had on Saturday and didn't quit the progesterone. OB says it can still go either way, but for now, things don't look awful. I'm just going to hold on to that. Things could definitely be worse.

(BTW,before you say, "yeah, but he's only an OB/GYN..."My OB also deals with IF more so than "normal" OBs. I actually did my first 2 IUIs with him. It was him that sent me to my current RE to see if he had more insight than him. The only thing that my RE changed was to have me time the IUIs by LH kit rather than ultrasound, and took me off of clomid, so I'm pretty confident in my OBs opinion.)

Not over yet

I'm sure you'll all sick of the back and forth nature of my recent posts, so I'm sorry.

However, I have decided not to give up yet. Friday was a HORRIBLE day, but Saturday I woke up with renewed hope. I know that miscarriage is very likely, but so far my body is not showing me any signs that it will be happening soon. I am chosing to celebrate every moment that I get with this wee one. Whether it ends tomorrow, or next week... or hopefully, in June with a healthy birth... I want to know that I have done everything emotionally, mentally and physically to keep this bean happy.

I'm not sure what this week will hold as far as tests go. I am still trying to work out a comprimise with my RE's nurse (I wish I could actually talk to HIM! Heaven forbid!)

Thank you for all your kind words. It means a lot to me. Your encouragement helps me get through all this, and I love you for it.

Black Friday

My beta started falling today. There was nothing on the ultrasound.

RE says my lining is very thick, so I have to follow up with him on Wednesday. He doesn't expect me to actually miscarry for at least a week, because my progesterone is still very high.

So now, I just get to wait, knowing I will never meet the child I am carrying. It is so hard to say "goodbye" before we ever get a chance to say "hello."

Woo-hoo???

My RE's office finally called and they want me to go back on Friday for another beta, followed by an U/S on Monday.

She told me that I don't have to stay in the "no hope" mind set anymore and that my numbers are in the "low normal" range. She said that she was absolutely "stunned" when she saw my beta report this morning, and that they are all excited for me. We all thought it was over after Wednesday's beta that only rose 3 points.

I'm starting to get excited... I hope it lasts!!

Thank you for all the comments through the last few days. It has meant so much to me! More than I will ever be able to tell you all. And JuliaS. (because I'm totally sure it's you that's doing it,) thanks for listing me on LFCA. You rock, and I totally love you for it!

** ETA, so apparently there is another Good Samaritan who is listing me on LFCA. Whoever you are... I LOVE YOU! Thank you so much! It is so nice to feel remembered.

and Julia, yes. I still love you. ;)

Beta 4

So, I don't know what to think about it now.

My number today was 141.76. It more than tripled, almost quadrupled.

What should I be thinking right now? According to the lab print out I am barely within normal range for this gestational age. I think they are calibrated a little differently than most. I know that my numbers are still pretty low and I'm not out of the woods, but it's so hard not to get excited when I see increases that are "normal" (at least doubling.)

The nurses and RE's are out of the office today, so I don't know what the plan is until tomorrow.

On another note, my progesterone dropped 10 points to 36. That is still an okay number right? I'm wondering if I should up my progesterone dose a little tomorrow. What do you think?

I'm so numb today. Earlier when I got the results, I almost passed out. I keep thinking that the next beta will be the one that screams, "MISCARRIAGE!" I am so grateful for all the time I have with this little bean, but it is completely exhausting to think that today could be my last day with him.

I'm just hoping this isn't all some cruel joke.

Now What???

My third beta is in. My doubling time is 38.4 hours.

It went up to 38.50.

I think I'm just going to continue to freak out. I'm really good at that.


FREEEEAAAAAAKKKKKK!!!!!

The Waiting Game

Beta only increased by 3. My RE is going to make me repeat the test on Friday anyway. (Really? What's the point?)

Miscarriage #3 on the way.

I'm beginning to thing infertility is terminal. It's definitely going to kill me!

Crap

Beta 13.14
Progesterone 19.19

Here's what the nurse said:

"The quant is low which this early we would anticipate. We will have you go back in 48 hrs to have it repeated, it should approximately double. We will probably have you have one more after that.

The progesterone is fine."

Anyone else think she's talking through her ass? This is almost exactly where I was for my last 2 miscarriages. And "this early?" I am 14 dpo. Not really early.

I'm still not having a bad feeling about it (weird?), but I'm obviously a bit discouraged. If you are the praying type, I'd really appreciate a few words being sent up on our behalf.

Thanks.

What a Difference a Week Can Make

12 DPO


13 DPO


14 DPO

Now for the real question: To beta, or not to beta?

Ignorance is bliss, right?

***ETA: Apparently I don't have a choice. My RE sent the orders and I have to do the beta today. PLEASE pray for me! This test and I DO NOT get along!

Of course it would be a dreary, wet day today. Why not?

Had I not miscarried in February, today would have been that day. The day that I marked on my calendar with giant letters declaring "Baby Due."

Here's hoping I can get through today, and for that matter... the rest of the week. My beta is one week from today. Let's hope it doesn't rain.

Beautiful

A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly.
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's were I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one.


~Author unknown~

Lucky #7?

We are going in for IUI #7 this afternoon. I start progesterone injections tomorrow.

Any good vibes, thoughts, or prayers you can send my way are especially appreciated today!

Unraveling

3 vials and 60 needles for 30 injections - all for a "maybe." I must be crazy.

Sometimes life's lows are actually underground.

Low

Do you ever just feel defeated? Like the universe is plotting against you in every imaginable way? I swear that hours are disappearing from my day, gremlins are destroying my house, and my daughter's 21st birthday is just around the corner.

Lately I have felt so low. I really don't think I can take one more thing, ya know? Last night, another SIL announced that she is expecting. It was a kick in the stomach for me. I'm pretty sure I can handle one pregnancy in the family, but 2 may be too much. Especially with it being the first for both of them. I don't want to do anything to take the excitement away from them, and I want to let them enjoy every moment, but it is so hard for me to be around them and I know that they know why. I feel like a major joykill. Everyone is so excited for them that it is pretty much the main topic of conversation. It is simply more than I can take.

My last 2 cycles have been annovulatory. I have been back to my doctor and he has told me that my next step is injectables, but I'm not ready for that yet. I think that stress has played a big part in my not ovulating. There is so much going on in my life that I just don't have the energy to blog about, but it is slowly eroding me down to the core.

Please, God. Let this be my month, and please... no more announcements. Let life be boring for a while. I just can't take anymore!

Ouch

Isn't it amazing how deeply we can be hurt by those we love, when they aren't even meaning to?

You'd think that my family would understand certain things about me. Especially when it comes to pregnancies, right? Apparently, not so. My SIL recently announced that she is expecting her first child (she is approx. 8 wks.) This is a HUGE deal, because they have been trying for almost as long as we have. This is her first pregnancy and of course, I'm nervous out of my mind for her. Granted, I'm a bit jaded, but that's understandable, right? I haven't shown anything but excitement for her. Honestly. I want this for her almost as much as I want it for myself.

Well, today was her first OB appointment and viability ultrasound. It was at 4:45. I talked to her yesterday and made her promise to call me as soon as her appointment was over and let me know what happened. She agreed. Well, by 6 I still hadn't gotten a call, so I called her. No answer. Well, maybe they went to dinner. I'll try back later. 8:00, I try again. Still no answer. Okay, now I'm getting nervous. I hope she didn't get bad news. PLEASE, let it be that she left her phone at home. 9:30, I call again. NO ANSWER... what the hell? Now I'm freaking out. I left her another voicemail and decided to try another approach. I called her husband. Here is how our conversation went:

Me: Hi, (BIL). How are you?
BIL: I'm fine, but my phone's battery is going to die because you've called so much (absolutely no hint of sarcasm.)
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't I only call you once?
BIL: Well, okay, mine and (SIL)'s phone.
Me: Sorry.
BIL: (sounding irritated)How about we just tell you what we found out and what happens when we see you tomorrow, okay?
Me (stunned): kaaay?
BIL: Have a good night. (Hangs up.)

So, now I sit here in a ball of nerves, fighting tears. All I needed to hear was "everything is okay, we'll give you details tomorrow." I just need to know everything is alright.

I have had 2 miscarriages in the last 17 months. I just need to know that her baby is okay. That everything will be fine, and she won't have to go through the same nightmare that I have been going through.

I have been so worried about her since she announced. Their family has a history of factor V (a clotting disorder) and yet, (SIL) hasn't been tested. There are some other issues that make me worry as well because I know that they increase her odds of a m/c.

Oh, and did I mention that I suffer from a panic disorder? Seriously. 2 pills a day just to keep me sane.

I just need to know it's okay. That she's okay, that her baby's okay. I really love my SIL. I want the best for her and her baby, and it kills me that he was so cold to me about it.

Am I being too pushy? How should I handle this? I don't want to see them tomorrow and instantly burst into tears, but I can totally see that happening. I don't want to look like a drama queen, but I can so see that happening. What should I do?

Confusion

3 pregnancy announcements in 1 day followed by a "come to Jesus" meeting about IF with the Hubs.

I can't decide if yesterday was a good or bad day.

Update on Dad

Thanks for all the well wishes. My Dad came through the surgery with flying colors. He was only in the hospital overnight, and came home without ever needing any pain medication.

His leg is still numb, but the surgeon said that nerves take a while to heal, so to just be patient.

Sorry it took so long to update. I spent most of last week with my dad, (he has dial-up... GASP!) and then went straight to DH's family reunion for the weekend. Other than that, there's not much to update on. Life is boring, sorry.

** I wasn't going to add, but couldn't resist. My Mom had back surgery almost 8 years ago, and 3 weeks later I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant with DD. I'm not usually the superstitious type, but lets hope I can get lucky this go around too, huh?**

For my Dad

Tomorrow, my Dad is going in for surgery on his spine. He is a high-risk candidate for complications, but has no other choice than to go through with the operation if he if he wants to regain function in his right leg.

If you are the praying type, please pray for his peace of mind and a complication-free surgery.

Thanks.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade: Navagating the Land of IF

I have never been part of a book club, so this was a completely new experience for me. I loved this book, and have purchased some extra copies to give to friends and family (you can too! Just follow the link on my sidebar!) that are struggling with infertility.

I hope I did this right, and I apologize if my answers aren't clear. For some reason, I felt like I was writing a term paper or something. I always stumbled through those.... sorry.

Here are my answers:

Chapters four and five cover the issues of telling others about your IF struggles and handling the comments if you do. What approach (proactive, reactive, evasive, or lying) have you used with your close friends and family? If you have told, have you gotten any surprising reactions, and how have you handled those? If you haven't told, has this omission created any friction as people make assumptions or comments about your lack of pregnancy?

Most of the time, I tend to be pretty open about my infertility if the subject of babies every comes up. However, there are those in my family that I just plain don't want to talk to about it. To those people I tend to be pretty evasive. I'm sure it just comes off as me being a bitch, but I'm okay with that. ;)

For those that I have told, most are pretty stunned. The first question I get is usually, "Did you have a hard time getting pregnant with LJ?" Of course, they have no idea what secondary infertility is, so that's usually starts the conversation. I'm happy to talk about it (to most people) as long as I can make it as impersonal as possible. Even though I am telling people of our experiences with infertility, I tend to detach myself from what I am saying. I spout off statistics, and talk about options, but they are very generalized. I guess it still hasn't sunk in even after 6 years that it is US that I am talking about. Instead of saying "when we have done (fill in the blank procedure)", I say " When people are going through (fill in the blank procedures)". It makes it easier for me to discuss.

What part of the Land of IF are you currently residing in, & do you think Melissa paints an accurate picture of the situation there?

I am currently residing in the "Secondary Unexplained Infertility with Recurrent Pregnancy Loss" neighborhood. We're a diverse bunch.

When Melissa was describing the differences between Primary and Secondary Infertility, she wrote that those going through secondary infertility "know what they're missing...". I was so grateful that she spun it in a way that it was clear that this is not always a good thing. I had to put the book down because I was tearing up so badly that I couldn't see through my tears. It was wonderfully gratifying to have someone else say what I feel. It was only a few words, without further explanation, but it was wonderful to see.

Chapter 7's opening page also left me an emotional wreck. Because both of my loses were early on, I have very much felt like I was expected to just move on; no big deal... get over it. But I haven't felt that way. Each loss was horrible, but in different ways. In reading the chapter, I really felt Melissa's understanding, and it made me feel better about my own thoughts on miscarriage. I felt more accepted, if that makes sense.

I think that Melissa did an excellent job of explaining what each type of fertility is, and the options that are available.

Did you read the whole book, or skip the parts that you feel don’t apply to your situation? For example, if you are not entertaining adoption or living child-free as options right now, did you skip those parts? If you read them, did you discover anything about those options that you hadn’t understood prior to reading the book?

Actually, I feel kind of guilty. I skipped most of the parts discussing the different procedures, or options that I am not yet looking into. I find that I get overwhelmed with all the "possibilities" surrounding infertility. It still hurts to think that these are options that I may have to consider. It took me 4 years before I had the courage to try IUI. I'm still stuck on the thought that this was not supposed to happen to me. So I guess I figured those parts of the book were not applicable. Yet.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Moose by Stephanie Klein.

(ETA: I'm sorry I haven't got to anyone's blogs yet to comment. I been taking care of my Dad all week, and by the time I get home I am too exhausted to even think of blogging. He has all but lost the use of his right leg, and we are just waiting for his surgery to repair a back injury. He is very down, and scared to death so I've been trying to keep his spirits up. I am not avoiding anyone, and I really am going to comment, it's just that family comes first. I'm sure you understand. Please be patient with me. I promise to get to them all soon. Thanks!)

Show and Tell

Last week, my mom found a bunch of pictures and emailed some of them to me. Most were of nothing in particular, just my brother and I playing at different stages in our lives.

As I scanned through the massive file she sent, this one stood out to me. Why, you ask? Well, for no obvious reason, other than the 10 minute flashback that made my stomach turn, and face turn fuchsia.

Instantly, I was 6 years old again trick-or-treating with my cousins down the street that they lived on. Their street was on a hill and we were walking down the hill to get to the houses that gave out the BIG candy bars. Now, what may not be completely obvious at first glimpse of this photo, is that my pants were stuffed with QUEEN SIZED SHEETS, and other miscellaneous items of clothing; anything my mom could fit in there (it was a VERY last minute costume). As I tried to keep up with my cousins and their friends going down the hill, my 2ton pants crashed down around my ankles, not only making me waddle even worse, but also forcing me to lose my balance. The worst part of the whole experience was the fact that once my pants dropped, I couldn't reach to pull them back up! So there I was, in the middle of the sidewalk amongst 50,000 kids with Rainbow Bright grinning at the passerby's... from my underwear.

Most 6-year-old's would probably have just laughed and got their pants back up while yelling to the rest of the crowd, "Did you see that?!", but NOT ME! I was the type of child that waited by the dryer when my mom did laundry so that I could rescue my skivvy's before they could see the light of day, or worse... my mom could see them!!! THE TERROR!!! Actually, I'm pretty amazed I didn't pass out from the overwhelming panic and humiliation that instantly grasped me when gravity decided to pants me. Hmmm, now that I think of it, perhaps this was a turning point for me...

So there you have it. One of my most embarrassing moments EVER! And I say that as a 27-year-old woman. I know, I'm pathetic.

Wanna see what else is being shown today? Head on over to http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/ to read and then add your own show and tell.

Take that, Webster!

I am an incredibly private person when it comes to a particular part of my life, namely my sex life. That thing that is between myself and my husband, that I do not discuss with anyone else. Information that I completely refuse to divulge, even if it has a pregnancy riding on its coattails. And that, my friends, is all you will hear about it. While this post will be strictly dedicated to the "s" word, I have a new spin on things. Well, at least I think it's new.

Secks. Yep, that's what I really want to define. So here's my best attempt:

secks:
n, (abbr. "ck")

1. An activity in which it is intended for sperm to meet egg in a biological fashion. The sole purpose is procreation without assistance from medically developed sources. (i.e. artificial insemination, in-vitro fertilization)

And there you have it. My contribution to the english language.

It has SO MANY applications! Really! All expectations are laid out there in the open. This is where it is completely acceptable to pair the word "just" with this intimate act; as in "it was just secks". You can't say, "it was just sex"! Sex is, (at least to me) a completely emotional expression of love that one only engages in as an expression of deep respect and adoration. It has absolutely nothing to do with science or reproduction (although some get lucky and actually get pregnant this way...). In fact, I am officially banning science from sex. The two are no longer allowed to be related. Period. Secks and science on the other hand, is completely different.

This way, there is no need to tippy-toe around anything. You can inform your husband that, "Hey, I got a positive on my OPK today. We need to have ck tonight and tomarrow morning to increase our chances." This is a clear message of what is expected; nothing fancy. No candlelights or soft music, no sweet-nothings being whispered to one another. It is something that HAS to be done if you want to get pregnant the old fashioned way. Ck is not something where you can say you're "not in the mood", use the headache excuse, or complain that you have to get up early the next morning. This is CK! It is non-negotiable! Because, really, how many times have you had one of those days, you know the ones... car broke down, dog ran away, your best friend announced she's expecting, and your husband did something that REALLY pissed you off. And to top it all off, you had a major temp. dip this morning, and a glaringly positive OPK. Lovely. You are totally NOT IN THE MOOD, and the last thing you want to do it miss out on your precious sleep. Well, no problem! This is just secks! The very definition of "wham-bam-thankyouma'am!" Crisis averted.

It's okay. I know your stunned silence is only perpetuated by your overwhelming gratitude. Glad I could help.

Roadkill

Have you ever felt like you were run over by a figurative bus, either emotionally or physically? Well, that's me right there, sprawled out on the pavement looking up at the sky and wondering what happened.

Today is a low point for me. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm struggling. I'm sure that the fact that my baby just turned 7 is no help, as well as the completely unexpected, and shocking news that my cousin adopted a baby girl this morning. I've very happy for them, but a little hurt that I was never privvy to the information that they were even looking in to adoption...I feel completely blind-sided. I didn't realize that I actually need time to prepare for these kind of things. Trust me, this realization isn't one I'm proud of.

When is it enough? I know that no one can really answer this question for me, but it doesn't stop me from asking. SIX years now. SIX! I don't know how to come to terms with my life as it is. I am extremely happy in my marriage, and I have a wonderful daughter, but somehow it's not enough. I am not yet complete, and I can feel it every second of every day. The tears are always close to the surface and I can't shake them.

I know it's completely unusual, but I'm actually grateful for the unknowing comments. For example, last week I had to take LJ to the urgent care pediatrician because she woke up screaming (the night before her birthday) with a massive ear infection. As we were waiting for the doctor, the nurse who was checking us in asked if LJ was the oldest or youngest in the family. I simply answered "the only", and the nurse laughed and said "it's been 7 years now, Mom. It's about time you have another one." All I could do was smile. She didn't know. She assumed that I was "normal" and having only one child was my choice. I am glad that I don't wear my infertility issues like a badge. I feel like it surrounds me, so I'm glad for the occasional reality check that assures me that it is not as visible as it feels.

I think that part of what has hit me so hard recently, is that it just now occured to me that I may be one of those women who people refer to as the one who "can't have kids" (or in my case more kids). When people find out that we are trying, and how long this road has been, I am almost always met with the response of "wow, I would have given up a long time ago!" I have never seen myself like that. Ever. It's not that we "can't" have kids, just that we are having a hard time... right? It's not impossible, is it? Is that really me? Am I the one who deserves your pity, and the sad glances at the very mention of a baby? How did I NOT notice this? I look back on the last few years, and I'm completely mortified. I never realized that people felt this way about me, and now I feel like I'm being crushed under all that has escaped me for so long. I don't want this identity.

I have been run-over, girls. By a small caravan of really heavy buses. I'm afraid to stand up, because I'm sure I'll just get slammed back down.

Today sucks! I hate being roadkill.

Well that's just GREAT!!

This is a purely non-infertility related rant. I'm pissed, and need to vent. Feel free to skip this post, if you so choose.

Next week is my daughter's 7th birthday and accordingly, we have planned our traditional birthday BBQ to celebrate. We always hold this BBQ on the Saturday closest to her b-day, on which ever weekend is NOT Mother's Day.

This year, way back in January, my MIL called to confirm which weekend we would have the party. She was trying to plan all of her summer camping trips and wanted to make sure to avoid LJ's special day.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I noticed on her calendar that she had marked everyday between the 13th and the 17th as "camping". When I asked her about it, she said that it was the only weekend that my FIL's schedule allowed for them to go camping during May. I was really irritated, but decided that there wasn't anything I could do, and to let it go. The main reason that it was frustrating to me (besides the fact that I had told her about the party months ago) is because we are much closer to my DH's side of the family than we are to mine, and that is the family that our daughter has grown up with. They are the ones that are most important to her and I knew how disappointed she was going to be.

In spite of my inlaw's being out of town, we decided to keep our original date of May 16th (LJ's softball games nix anyother weekend), and I mailed out invitations at the beginning of this week. We sent them to all of my brothers and sister-in-laws and their kids (14 people total), my parents, and 2 cousins. We figured that even with my MIL and FIL being gone, we'd still have a decent turnout.

This afternoon, my MIL called me to ask if it would be okay if she got a b-day cake for the Munchkin so that we could celebrate her birthday on Saturday during our Mother's Day BBQ that was planned for DH's grandma. She said that she knew that some of them couldn't make it to her party so she wanted to do the cake instead. When I asked who couldn't come, she named 10 of the 14 people we had invited! They had invited them all to go camping with them! (She hadn't heard back whether the other 4 were going also.)

I am so frustrated, and just plain hurt about it. I am grateful that she wants to acknowledge LJ's birthday, but I am so angry that they are even going. We have had this same tradition EVERY year since she was born. I already felt horrible when I had to tell LJ that her Nana and Papa couldn't come, but to tell her that most of her aunts and uncles, along with the only 2 cousins she has aren't coming is going to be awful! LJ has a very close bond with all of them, and I'm dreading her reaction. She is pretty sensitive, and this is not going to be fun. When she found out that the grandparent's couldn't come she asked me if I though they loved camping more than her. SERIOUSLY! She knows that they go camping for weeks at a time all throughout the summer, with their last trip being the first weekend in October and I'm sure she's wondering why they couldn't just skip this ONE weekend (hell, I'm wondering that myself!).

I just feel like they've kind of stolen her party, and it pisses me off royally. I'm wondering what DH will say. He didn't really want to go clear down there Saturday, and then have to do it again on Sunday for Mother's Day. I'm sure he's not going to be happy.

A beautiful "first"

To explain the beauty, I must first explain the reason:

For the last 6 years I have heard way too many pregnancy announcements to count. Each time, I have plastered a smile on my face and congratulated the expecting parents. Each time, I have swallowed the lump in my throat, and willed my heart to stop racing. Although I am truly happy for them, I also feel anger, sadness, and crushing jealousy. Sometimes it consumes my mind for days -- thinking of all the experiences the newly-pregnant woman will have. I flash back to my own experience, and feel a huge rush of sadness when I think of how much I took for granted. I am disgusted with myself over how much I have forgotten.

It makes me sick to think that I may never have that experience again. I think of how unfair it feels to have comments made to me of how I should be grateful for the child I have when "there are so many who will never have even one child" (this is my mother's favorite response to our TTC). To me, that seems so cruel to say. It insinuates that I am ungrateful for my daughter (which could not be further from the truth) and that I am selfish. I am treated as though having another child of my own would be preventing someone else from achieving that same goal. It's not like we are all standing in line for a baby, and by wanting another one I am cutting in front of women who are childless. I honestly believe that we all deserve to have the families we have dreamed of.

I think that those of us struggling with secondary infertility are kind of like the "black sheep" of the IF community. Many people believe that we don't really belong because we have children. Let me assure you, the longing for a child is just as great. Our pregnancies ended up being double-edged swords. Although we wouldn't trade the experience for anything, it makes TTC #2 (or more) even harder. The memories of being pregnant are no longer a joyous thing, but instead cause a great deal of pain. We know what we are missing, and it hurts like hell.

All of these overwhelming thoughts come up every time I hear a new pregnancy announcement... until today.

I read Hope2Morrow's post announcing that she is pregnant with twins. I felt no anger, no resentment, and absolutely no sadness. All I could picture was how excited she must be, and how huge her smile must have been when she found out. I am SO HAPPY for her, and it feels GREAT!

Hope2Morrow is one of the first blogs I started reading when I began my blog, and one of the first people to ever comment. I remember back in September when she wrote a post telling us that her 4th FET had failed. I could barely finish the post through the mountain of tears welling up inside. I'm not sure why it affected me so much more than any other post I had read, but I was so completely crushed for her.

Perhaps that is why her news was so wonderful to me. This truly feels like a 'win' for our team. I honestly can't remember when a pregnancy announcement made me happy all the way through. I have been happy for people, but always with those underlying emotions. I am so grateful for the happiness I feel for her. It makes me feel like perhaps I'm not as horrible as I usually feel. It is an amazing sensation.

Hope, I am elated for you and so glad that you will finally have the family you have wanted for so long. I wish you could see the smile on my face! I am offering you my most sincere and heart-felt "Congratulations". May you remember every wondrous detail, and forget all the pain that lead up to this miracle. And, I just wouldn't feel right unless I also said "thank you."

I've been thinking it, so I guess I should just say it.

I love Mel. Really. And although I'm sure you know who I'm speaking of, just in case you don't, here's a link to her wonderful blog:

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/

She is like the big sister of the IF community; the one that has all the right advice, and knows exactly what to say and exactly when to say it. She has brought women together from every walk of life, and has given us all a place to gather and find acceptance in our common struggle.

And now, she reaching out to EVERYONE! Not just us bloggers. She has written a book, which I am quite positive will be exquisite. Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring your Options. I am so excited to read its pages. Melissa is a wonderful woman, and if you are struggling with infertility- quite possibly your best friend, even though you may not know it yet.

Please do me a favor, actually, do yourself a favor, and head over here to purchase a copy of her book:

http://www.amazon.com/Navigating-Land-Understanding-Infertility-Exploring/dp/1580052622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227550249&sr=8-1

Melissa has done so much for the IF community, that this is the very least we can do for her. If you haven't already, head over to her blog and catch up. You won't be disappointed.

Seriously, I love Mel, although it's entirely possible that she doesn't even know who I am. And that's okay. I'm content with reading her blog and buying her book. She's just that fabulous!

Nevermind

IUI #7 is a no-go (at least for this cycle). Lucky for me, I've developed a nasty case of pneumonia that has apparently decided to prevent ovulation. And I have a nice fever to boot.

I'm a little disappointed, but not devastated. I just put the money back in savings and we'll give it another try next month. Hopefully I'll have beat this cough and won't shoot the speculum back out at the nurse doing the IUI, because seriously... I was worried about that.

A great big "Thanks"

I just wanted to say thank you for the comments on my last post. It felt good to get it all "out" and I have felt much better. (JuliaS, I cannot follow your comment back to your blog, will you please leave a link? I'd love to stay in touch!)

There are only 2 more weeks left of the semester and even though I will barely pass 2 of my classes, at least I will be done. I am taking the summer semester off. I think I need some time to just "be".

We are heading into IUI #7 which will probably take place sometime next week. My progesterone levels came back last cycle at 9.9 8dpo. My RE said he would have liked them to be over 10, but the nurse told me that he doesn't want me to be on supplements. I think this is where I put my foot down. I am going to insist on supplementation after ovulation. I'd rather deal with the (unlikely) effects of too much progesterone, than have to deal with another loss because we weren't cautious enough. I think my RE will be okay with it, and if he's not... I'll find one who is. I'm just not willing to risk it.

On a happier note: I took some pictures of my DD last week for Easter, and subsequently discovered Adobe Lightroom. Let's just say, I may have to find a 12-step program! I really LOVE what it can do. The only bad part is that I find myself often doing things by "accident". I wish I could actually figure out how to work the program like it is designed.

I was leary of putting up a pic of DD, but I just have to. It's probably the only one you'll see, so enjoy:

I wish I could duplicate the effect of the light on her face on one where she is smiling, but so far, I can't quite figure it out. LOL

I'll try to keep you posted on what is going on with the IUI, but with finals coming up, I'm not sure how much I'll be online. Thanks again for your comments. It helps me more than you know!

Aftershocks

WARNING: Ranting and rambling (probably incoherant)post to follow:

I think that for the most part I'm doing okay, but I'm not really sure. I'm kind of in this numb state. I don't really feel all that down, but I know that I'm not back to normal. I know that this miscarriage is affecting me, I'm just not sure how. I'm kind of lost at the moment. I don't really feel sad, but there is definately something different.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm depressed (in a very secretive way). I know that that sounds wierd, like, "wouldn't you know if you were depressed?", but I'm really not sure. For the past 3 days, I've barely gotten out of bed. Actually, the only times I've gotten out of bed are to get the Munchkin ready for school and then later to pick her up. My grades in school are awful, and I'm curious if I will even pass all of my classes. I quit a job that I loved so that I could focus on my family and all the IF stuff that is in my near future, and yet here I am... still in bed. I have zero motivation to do anything. I feel really guilty about it. It's not that I sit and think about the miscarriage all day, and actually, it seems to be a very fleeting thought when I DO think about it. Yet, it's the only excuse I can think of for my current behavior.

I'm so confused. I'm not sure what is next for me. I have yet another appointment with my RE on Monday for a sonohistogram, but I'm not sure what I am going to follow that up with. He is going to make me wait for 2 complete cycles before we can try again. Somehow that isn't all that disheartening to me. I think I have come to a point where I really need to have a serious discussion with my hubby and RE about how far we are willing to go. We are quickly coming up on our 6 year anniversary since TTC #2. When is it long enough? When does "just one more cycle" become too much? And yet, I'm not sure that I can stop. TTC has become so much more than a quest for a baby. I'm not sure, but it may have just become a battle. Something for me to conquer. It has been so long, that I honestly can't imagine myself with a real baby.

Maybe that is part of my guilt. This last pregnancy wasn't real to me. I had absolutely zero hope that it would last. For the first week I pretended I hadn't seen 2 lines. I could not imagine a growing belly, or a hearbeat on an ultrasound screen. There wasn't a bit of excitement in me. And then, when my beta's went up, and I thought there might be a possibility of making it... I tried to make it real, yet it still felt like a lie. Was this God protecting me? A woman's intuition maybe? Who knows, but I feel like crap about it. And... I'm pissed. Why can't I get excited? When will I see the miracle of a positive hpt as a blessing and not as "here we go again."? I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, pregnancy can't really happen for me. Apparently that ship has sailed, and for whatever reason, I fell off the boat.

I swear, I'm bi-polar. (if you don't believe me, read my other posts. Pollyanna, Doomsday Debbie, Pollyanna, Doomsday Debbie. I guess I'm the latter today.)

Another thing that completely sucks about this IF crap... if you haven't guessed, I'm LDS (better known as Mormon). I have nothing but love for my religion and (most of) the people in it. (And since I know you're wondering, no, I don't have horns, no we're not polygamists, there isn't anything freaky going on in the temples, and we absolutely do not believe our underwear are magic! Oh yeah, and we are 100% allowed to think with our own brains, even when it comes to... ahem... voting issues. Believe it or not, we are actually individuals. Astonishing, I know.) However, being LDS - especially in Utah is hard sometimes. It's true for the most part, that we have large families. I would guess that the average LDS family has 3-4 kids usually around 2 years apart. Sometimes more, but overall I guess I'm probably close. My husband's family had 6 children, and his mom came from a family with 10 kids, my mom from 8. And then there's us. One child. Yeah... we're pretty much the square peg shoved in a round hole. Don't get me wrong... I absolutely know how lucky we are to have our daughter. I in no way want to minimize how grateful we are to have her. It's just that, this is not what I expected. This does not happen in "our world". It makes us feel like so much more of an outcast. We have been married 9 years, and have 1 child. That is so not normal here. My heart absolutely pours out for LDS women who have no children. What kind of hell must their lives be like? Even though it is almost always pointed out in marriage ceremonies that our very marriage is a creation of a family... most of the members haven't caught on yet. It causes some serious issues for me.

Something very strange happened to me the night I found out my beta's were falling. I was laying in bed crying, almost in hysterics, and I could not bare to think of October. It was the most horrifying thought to me. I cannot fully express how overwhelming it was. It was like my mind would approach the date, and my whole body would revolt. I don't think it was the actual date, but a culmination of everything represented by October 5th. I have NEVER experienced something so powerful. It was the most horrible, crushing thing I have ever felt. I couldn't imagine overcoming it. I was going to be like this forever. Even now, reading back over these words... I can't make it come out right. It was torturous. I truly cannot find the words...

At some point, I fell asleep (or blacked out, I'm not really sure). I don't remember dreaming, and I woke up just fine. So "fine" that I was scared. There is no way that I got over that experience in a few meger hours. I am still terrified of it. When is it going to come back? Is it going to hit me when I least expect it and be 10x worse? I really feel like there is something wrong. Seriously, what the hell just happened? Have you ever been petrified of yourself? I am... right now. Absolutely terrified all the time.

Actually, this post is starting to freak me out. I didn't really realize that I had so much to say. Sorry.

I want a baby more than anything... I think. I don't know if it's heart or habit saying that. I feel like a ghost.

I guess what this all boils down to is, now what? What am I supposed to be doing? What is the "right" thing to be doing? Sometimes I really wonder if I'm losing it. I don't think I could ever deal with "giving up". Yet, in the same breath I don't really know how I feel.

My RE gave me a worse-case senario of having an 85% chance of a successful pregnancy. Shouldn't that be reassuring to me? I have gotten pregnant twice in the last year, without fertility drugs. He says that I "don't know what a big deal that is". It sure doesn't feel like a "big deal". After all, all I have to show for it is a lot of soggy tissues and a depleted bank account.

I really don't think it is ever going to get better than this. How is this my life? Will I ever be me again?

Something To Hold On To

I bought this lamb in the hotel gift shop the day I found out I was pregnant, just in case. It never occured to me that he was frowning.

The necklace is a blue topaz, so that I would have something to remember our December baby, and the ring is an opal, in honor of our October little one. Both are heart felt gifts from my husband.

I fully plan on framing this picture and putting it with all the other pictures of the Munchkin that are on display in my house. What do you think? Kind of wierd?

Hubby of Mine

I'm not broken. Just so you know. I am not nearly as down as I was with the last miscarriage (still trying to figure out what the difference is) and I am already looking at the future. I know that you were probably expecting another post all about my current tragedy, but you're not going to get it. Instead I want to say this:

I adore my husband. I love every ounce of his existence with every bit of mine.

Here are some of the reasons why:

*I love that he calls me from work in the middle of the day just to talk to me.
* I love the way that he blocks the doorways in our house and won't let me pass until I have hugged him for a lonnnnnnnnng time.
*I love the look on his face when he comes home with "surprises" for "his girls"
*Every Saturday morning, he lets me sleep in as late as I want and takes care of the Munchkin downstairs.
*He lets me control the radio in the car whenever we go somewhere together.
*He holds my hand every night under the covers until I fall asleep.
*He loves our daughter more than anything. He's never missed a parent-teacher conference, school program, or PTA event (He's even taken time off work to come home in the middle of the day to play out in the snow with her.)
*He lets me be me, no matter how much I change, and loves me just the same.
*He has the biggest heart of any man I've known. He will help anyone if they ask (and even if they don't) even if he doesn't particularly like the person in need. LOL
*He adores his parents. (So do I)
*He actually LISTENS to me.

and there's more I'd like to say, but he just walked in (early) from work and I don't want him to see this just yet. (He's been doing that a lot this week. What can I say? He worries about me and comes home to take care of me. Whata guy huh?)

Inevitable

So officially, I'm still pregnant... kinda. That's what my RE told me this morning as he was checking to make sure that this pregnancy isn't ectopic. He called this an "inevitable miscarriage". There is absolutely nothing that can be done to save it.

I have started cramping and spotting, but I'm not sure if this is the miscarriage of just irritation from the ultrasound and pelvic exam this morning. He had to push pretty hard on me. It wasn't pleasant. I'm hoping that it is the miscarriage. I can't stand waiting (after the exam he told me that I would start bleeding within the MONTH).

I have to go in on Monday for a repeat beta, and then every Monday until it returns to zero. I wouldn't think it would take too long, seeing as it never got very high to start with, but he said I may be surprised. At the same time, they will be checking for some immunological abnormalities that may be causing these miscarriages. He told me that "next time" I will be treated with "aggressive" progesterone treatments. I'm not so sure how to take the smile on his face when he spaced his fingers about 3 1/2 inches apart and said "the needles are this long." I've never had to give myself injections. Wonder how that will go.

DH surprised me with an opal ring when we got home from the hospital. My due date is/was October 5th. He's so sweet. Now I have a blue topaz necklace for my December baby, and the opal ring for this angel. Hopefully I'm not starting a collection.

Thank you for all of the comments. It really has helped me these last couple of days. You are all wonderful and I can't thank you enough.

Beta #3

Dropped by half. Now I just have to wait for nature to take its course.

No baby this time.

Beta #2

Slightly more than doubled.

I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up, but I'm having a hard time. DD found an hpt and figured it out, then let it slip at a superbowl party at my inlaws. We didn't want to say anything to them until we had a better idea of what to expect. Oh well, what's done is done.

I go in tomarrow for another beta. Prayers are welcome.

No really, here we go again.

Monday was my test day, but seeing as we were in Disneyland on vacation, I skipped the beta. I took a hpt, and got a super faint line (stupid of me) and spent the rest of my trip scanning the pee stick checking if there really was a line there or not. 3 more hpt's all with faint lines, and I still questioned. Today we got home and I was finally able to go in for my beta.

It was positive (I will spare you the depressing details of the number) but it is right on track to where my numbers were in April when I miscarried. Looks like we may be repeating.

Beta #2 on Saturday. More to come...

Wish I could be excited.

Here we go again...

Looks like IUI #6 will be tomarrow morning. Wish us luck!

Loyal Lurker, Crappy Commenter

So this is my apology to everyone.

I can't even tell you all how much I love to read your blogs. I laugh with you, and cry with and for you. Everyday.

I start my blogging escapades before I leave for work, starting with Niobe, and then I move to Dee, and then I head to work. On my lunch break I make my way down the list of blogs on the left hand column of mine, and usually end up finding at least 3 more fascinating people, who put me to shame with their incredible writing.

Serioulsy, EVERYDAY!

So, I apologize for reading and not commenting. I can never find the way to tell you how much your words mean to me... because honestly, I suck at this. Thank you for letting me into your IF world so that I don't feel so alone. I will try harder to comment, but please know that I am always thinking of you.

Loves!!