Sunday, November 8, 2009


* I have the strange urge to move half way across the country. I spent most of the day looking up real estate in Tennessee.

*The thought of food makes me feel incredibly guilty, like, that's NOT what is supposed to be in my tummy right now.

*I think I have broken my husband. He's having a hard time with all of this. He only "visited" me twice in the hospital, and both were for very short periods of time. It's like it makes him sick to see me. He's trying, but it's difficult. I wish I could make it better.

*I haven't cried in days, although I'm confident the tears are just "hiding."

*I dropped out of school this week.

*I think I'd rather burn down my house than dust.

*I feel like my face is falling off, and I'm not even on any drugs anymore. (Ibuprofen doesn't count)

*I am pissed at my doctors. If I had listened to them and stopped the progesterone, I'd be dead right now. I would have assumed the pain I felt was just another miscarriage and I would have never gone to the ER. I would have continued to bleed internally, and most likely would not be typing this right now.

*I want to go outside, but I'm afraid there will be people out there. **shudder**

*I think I'm trapped in a nightmare. All the statistics I've read say that this couldn't have happened. I fit ZERO of the scenarios that cause ectopics. My beta was "too low", the placement was very rare, and the chances of rupture are unheard of.

Someone PLEASE wake me up.

*I have a whole crop of bruises sprouting on my abdomen, nowhere near my incisions. It's kind of scary. Like the demons are trying to get out.

*I have a song stuck in my head today. (This is not the original version that was stuck in my head, but for whatever reason, this one "fits" a bit better. The original is by Dr. Demento)

This one is by Neuroticfish. Hmmm, fitting.


JuliaS said...

Oh honey - I wish I knew how to make this easier for you. :0( I've been there too many times myself to know there is nothing but time that eases this. I think your dh probably just doesn't know what to say or do and is afraid of hurting you more. He's hurting too I'm sure and hurting because he knows you're hurting and he can't fix it. My tubal pg was very rough on my dh also - he'd been through 5 miscarriages with me before that - none anywhere as traumatic as that one was - that was the only time I saw him cry - even months afterward, he would cry when talking about it. Losing a baby is hard - losing you would have been really hard too and I'm sure it was very scary for him. I know this is really hard for you. Holding you in my best hopes and prayers - sending you all my wishes for peace and comfort. I wish I could do more.

Elizabeth said...

I am so very sorry - this is so hard. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.

Justina said...

I am so sorry. Sending you huge hugs right now. You've had so much to deal with and specially after what you've just gone through everything will seem overwhelming and too much. Take time for yourself, take time to heal and don't feel guilty for what you think you should or shouldn't be doing. Just do what you can, the rest will come.
Again, big hugs to you!