Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Secret Life of Meim

So, in case you hadn't figured it out yet... "Meim" is not my real name. Not even close, really.
It's all part of my "other" life. THIS life. The one that finds me near the middle of my 81st cycle since TTC #2. Here I am, counting needles and OPKs making sure I can make it to and through the upcoming 2WW. And no one in my real life, other than the Hubs knows a thing.

It's just too hard, ya know? I can barely pull it together to push through this cycle. I am terrified of a repeat. Like, nightmare scared about it. It will be so similar in the beginning. PIO shots every morning, morning sickness from hell (the kind that doesn't really mean anything) and the urge to hide in my bedroom until it is all over - the waiting part. Not just the waiting, but the betas. OH, the betas. Can I really handle that again? Living my life in 48 hr. increments? I am beyond petrified. What if it goes bad? What if I manage to get pregnant again, but my betas are crap again? My RE has given me a limit. 3 betas. If they aren't doing what they "should" be doing, it's another round of methotrexate for me (oh, joy!) He told me that from here on out, any pregnancy is "ectopic until proven otherwise." and that I "can't afford to mess around with this." Okay, okay... I get it. Last time was bad - trust me, I know - but I don't know if I can live with that pressure.

Ladies, it's sink or swim time. If I don't move forward with this cycle, I drown. If we go through with it, I choke on a lot of water while thrashing around just trying to keep my head above water, all for the CHANCE that I could make it to shore. I am determined but oh, so tired. I wonder if I have it in me. I'm not that strong a swimmer!
This is what I have to lock away each morning. I can't let the real world know how bad my insides are churning. How every glance at a calendar makes me cringe, and how the thought of starting over makes me cry from the deepest parts of my existence. Every time someone asks me, "how are you?" I struggle to find words. Do they really want to know? Probably not, so my reply is usually "I'm alright, how are you?" I'm becoming an expert at deflection. I had no idea that would come with the IF territory.

Anyone have any pointers on how to get through this next "first cycle?" It is definitely the beginning of something.
**ETA: Sorry I wasn't very clear. Pretty much EVERYONE in my "real" life knows what we have been through, and what we have tried. Usually we are very open about it. I was referring to this this cycle. We have chosen to keep this cycle a secret. This time it's all just too much to share. There would be WAY too many questions, and frankly... I can't stand to answer them.


Penny said...

No idea. I just gritted teeth and pushed through, figuring that one day I would realize that I'd had enough.

A while ago I read this great analogy about being on this island awaiting a ferry to come pick us all up and take us to the land of parenthood and that every month that ferry would come and go and some of us would be left behind and how sad that was. And then one day one of the women decided to stop looking for the ferry and turn away from the shore and enjoy the island she's on and have a margarita.

And I found myself thinking about that analogy often, knowing that I could, at any time, turn my back on that shoreline watching for that ferry. It was an odd sense of comfort.

JuliaS said...

Only way through is through - I wish I had something more wise than that! Yet personal experience has shown me that it is often a day by day, moment by moment, sometimes second by second matter of survival - whatever it takes to get through to the next second, the next moment, etc. Focusing on the immediate "what is" sometimes helped me.

Other suggestion, take a friend along. Not in a literal sense (unless you think you need that too), but have someone (or even just someTHING - such as a journel, or blog) that you can be completely honest with about how you're feeling. So you have the chance to talk about it, verbalize it and maybe find a way of grappling with it or just have someone who sympathizes and acknowledges that yes, this is hard. Usually a someone who has been there/done that is the best choice. For me, it was not being able to talk about it that seemed to make it so much worse. That's just my personality - I found that if I could talk about it, then it didn't seem as awful as when it was so horrible it could not be spoken of. Does that make sense?

Anyway - at any rate, I wish you much luck (and success!) and anytime you need a listening ear to chew, feel free- I got two. :0)

The Barreness said...

Hey.. here from LFCA. I am on cycle 40 something. lost count around 36 or so..
Just wanted to give you a virtual hug, and say that maybe it's time to tell somebody. I guarantee that it's easier when you have somebody in real life to talk to about all this. I know it sounds weird, and so counter to what we believe, but keeping IF a secret perpetuates the idea that it's a taboo subject and doesn't let us grieve the way we need to grieve. We are made to be social/relational people.

I have a few friends that I talk to about it.. some are going through it too.. some aren't. some have no idea what I'm talking about usually, but they love me, and so when they ask questions about things, and I know that no matter what the answer is or if they even understand it, they will support me, I feel SO much better. Eventually I realized that it was SOOOO much easier to answer the curious questions than to try to hide it. That and adoption (well, fostering for now) is the only thing that's gotten me through the hell that is IF.

I hope you find somebody to talk to or some way to cope. It almost seems like it's not worth it if you have to go through all this pain by yourself just to be a parent. Heck, I'll talk. email me eidsonmegan at gmail dot com and I'll send you my number and you can call and talk about it to me. Call your best friend and if you can't think about an ice breaker, just blurt it out. then have a good cry with your best friend comforting you. Call a therapist and talk to them about it.. your RE may have referrals to specialists in the field who deal with IF and loss all the time.

Talk to somebody, anybody, about it. get it off your chest. It may feel awkward at first, but after a few times you'll realize that now that it's out there, you can feel free to grieve the way you need to grieve.


wifey said...

Penny - GREAT analogy. I love it.

Meim - It sucks that this all has to be so hard. I completely understand about not wanting to let anyone IRL know about this cycle - sometimes I feel that every disappointing cycle I have is a huge heartbreak/disappointment not just for me, but for everyone who loves me, and sometimes I just can't carry that weight.

We're here for you, though, sink or swim.

Ashley said...

I find myself thinking of you and your family quite often and how amazing you are! You are so kind and thoughtful.... you deserve this, and I hope you keep that thought in mind too! Hugs, dear!