Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Music to my ears

In case you couldn't tell, I am a music person. I don't watch T.V. very often, but you can pretty much count on music playing in my house all the time.

Every now and then, a song comes on that I completely relate to my struggle with infertility. Each song signifies a different time during this journey.

I thought that I would share a few of the songs that stand out the most to me. The ones that make me cry, and the ones that make me feel stronger.

After my first miscarriage, I was a mess. I couldn't stand to be around anyone "normal." I didn't know how to deal with what had happened. I felt like even strangers could see how broken I was just by looking at me. After so long, to be handed what we wanted more than anything only to have it ripped away was crippling. On our way to visit another RE to get a second opinion on how to proceed, I heard this song. And I cried.

Stop and Stare - One Republic

After our 20th round of clomid, and no pregnancy to show for it, we decided to move on to IUI's. I cannot begin to tell you my feelings on it. It felt so wrong to me. It was not how it was "supposed to" be. This is the point that I began to accept that I just might actually be infertile. It was a horrible feeling. I felt so crushed that everything had to be so difficult. Then I heard this song, and I felt more determined. I knew that I could do it, and I felt like everything would be okay. I know it's cheesy, but it was like a long overdo pep talk. It did the trick nicely.

Stand - Rascal Flatts

When I started blogging, I had a few wonderful ladies that would often read my posts and leave amazing comments that helped me feel less alone. Ashley was one of them. She has been my cheerleader through so much, and I really can't thank her enough. Usually I mute my speakers before I read blogs so that I am not distracted by any music that they may have set to autoplay when the page loads. Well, one particular September day, I headed over to Ashley's blog and forgot to press "mute." The particular post I was reading was about her latest failed FET cycle. I remember reading her words and feeling the tears stream down my face. Even thinking about it gets me all choked up. I was so devestated for her. It was then that I realized that these ladies had become more than just "blogging buddies" to me. They were my friends, and sisters. I wanted them to have success just as badly as I wanted it for myself. When I got to the end of her post, I noticed the song that was playing. It was so incredibly relevant, and moved me very deeply. I have since put it on every playlist and musical device I own.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

( I couldn't find the URL for this song, so sorry about the HUGE player)

So, there you have it. A small portion of my IF playlist. I'll probably add more when I become better at finding URL's. ;)


Annie said...

Thanks for sharing these songs. I usually turn off the speakers too when reading other people's blogs because it's distracting. Could be missing out on some good songs, though. There are two songs I've really related to since my losses (on my blog, but they don't play automatically)- Fiona Apple "The Child is Gone" and Tori Amos "Spark" [She's convinced she could hold back a glacier, but she couldn't keep baby alive. Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere] and (sacrilege!)this bit [If the Divine Master's Plan is perfection...]

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Wow, Meim!
I loved reading this post and hearing the songs that made a difference to you. My computer won't co-operate but I happened to have Itunes open anyway so I listened to a preview of the "Walk You Home" song, it was lovely. I might download it tomorrow. I'm the same-always have the radio playing or something!! I can relate so much to what you said about your first miscarriage "After so long, to be handed what we wanted more than anything only to have it ripped away was crippling." I could have written that. I still feel that way about my ectopic. I hope that music can uplift you, calm you and give you strength until you get what you're hoping for. I'm glad you have the comfort of music since I can't be there to hug you.