Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sick to my Uterus

Current Ailments: Headache, nausea, exhaustion, dizziness, and general "icky" feeling.

Why, you ask? Well, it may have something to do with AF - who is in full swing and eagerly trying to make my iron-deficient self bleed to death - or it could be that I have spent the last few days dreading this:

I really must be crazy to agree to make it. Being surrounded by items meant for such tiny human beings is nothing shy of torture. This is the diaper cake that I spent nearly 3 hours making for my SILs baby shower today. That's right... I'm going to a baby shower. Not only am I attending, but I'm one of the hosts. Despite the overwhelming sense of dread that I am currently feeling, I am actually quite optimistic that I might survive. Why am I doing this? Because I am so excited for my SIL. This is her first baby, after trying for more than 6 years. She deserves this.

I am hoping that I can replace my own feelings of grief and sadness with overwhelming joy for her. I am in such a strange place; feeling elation for her, and yet crushing sadness for me. It IS possible to feel both concurrently.

My goals for today:

1. Glue a smile on my face and be able to pretend that any tears that may roll down my face are either a) allergies, or b) tears of joy.
2. To be able to kindly skirt questions along the lines of, "and how are you doing with all of these pregnancies?" from well meaning relatives. They seem to be unavoidable at family gatherings. There is no reason to be a downer by telling the truth.
3. To be a convincing liar. (see #2)
4. To try not to allow my mind to wander to the "what if's" that currently plague me anytime I am in the presence of my SIL's. Most of them centered around the fact that we were all just a few weeks apart before we lost our baby.
5. Survive with grace.

If I can make it through today, I will have nearly 5 weeks to prepare for the next SILs shower. I will need every. single. day.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

That is an excellent plan of action sweetie. I have a little trick I use when I don't want to cry-I imagine my tears freezing into ice cubes. Also apparently pretending your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth helps.
I completely understand you feeling happy for your SIL but OMG, it is going to be so hard to hold back the what if's. I know they will just come into your mind without you conjuring them up. Don't feel bad if you need to sneak off to the bathroom for a moment to collect yourself as well.
I hope you get through today without too many dramas or questions. I am doing my best to send along grace, hugs and peaceful feelings to you.
Love you!!

Penny said...

Oh ugh that sounds so very hard. Wish you luck and distracted thoughts throughout. Nice cake!

JuliaS said...

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} Meim, I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately. The diaper cake is amazing - you did an awesome job. Sending you wishes and prayers of peace and comfort. I hope the baby shower wasn't as difficult as you feared it might be.

Always wishing you well and thinking of you.

The Prices said...

Hope it went well...I know how hard that must have been.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hi honey hope you are doing OK!