Sunday, October 31, 2010


Today was perfect.

As I walked around the neighborhood with LJ and my nieces and nephew watching them trick-or-treat, I was so grateful. Beyond grateful. Completely humbled, because 365 days ago, I was laying in a hospital bed unable to be with my beautiful daughter and my family that I love so much.

365 days ago, I almost lost my life. It has taken the entire year to realize that. I. Almost. Lost. My. Life. I downplayed what the doctor told me, and I swept most of my emotions under the rug. I ignored him when he told me how serious my ectopic had been, and how much blood I had lost; how lucky I was that the ER Dr. had ordered the high resolution scan before releasing me. But the fact remains that things could have been SO much different this year, in so many ways.

This year was filled with pumpkin carving, trick-or-treating, family, and even a plethora of glitter and makeup. It was everything I wanted and, even more - everything I needed it to be. Today was bliss.

But today is also the first anniversary of losing - what should have been - our 5th child. Today it has been 365 days since I had to sign my name to the bottom of a form that gave my doctors permission to end our baby's life. I did that. I chose my life over my baby's. And today, for the first time, I realized whole-heartedly that I made the right decision.

I know that sounds crazy. I know that that child would never have survived, I know that I really didn't have a choice... but something about me signing that form will haunt me forever. I wish so much that I would never have been asked to signed it. There is so much guilt.

But ya know what? Today healed a lot of that hurt. And it was hard, and it was wonderful, and it was so many things rolled into one. There were reminders everywhere.

I lived. My baby didn't.

But my daughter, who I am blessed to share everyday on this earth with, has her mother.

And that is what we made today about.

I still have a long way to go, but I guess October really isn't so bad. I will always cringe when I see "October 30" on the calendar, and I will always feel the flood of emotions when I think about what this day means... but I will be here to do it. I will BE HERE!

Yes, today was perfect.


Annie said...

Yea! So glad you had a wonderful day!

I can see why it's necessary for hospitals to have a form signed in situations like yours, but it's rough. Kind of makes it seem like there's a choice (hmmm...should my baby die OR should we both die?) when really there just isn't.

Ashley said...

You've come a long way, honey. You deserve to be here, and your daughter deserves you. It sounds lsiek your heart is coming to peace with things from the past. I am so glad.